Perfect Denial
by claire-kay
Summary: Forget everything you know. Lets go back to the start. JPC John Paul McQueen had always been the quiet type, enter one Craig Dean.
1. An End Has A Start

John Paul McQueen had always been a quiet person, he rarely allowed himself to be put out there for everyone to see. He liked being in the background, watching as everyone else around him shone, while he sunk to the background. Most people put it down to him being shy, having 5 sisters, 5 much more louder sisters, must have made it impossible to stand out, someone had to be the sensible quiet one, and that was John Paul.

But what really kept John Paul quiet, was because he knew that if he could just keep up that pretense, if he could just keep people believing thats who he was, they would never figure out was hidden deep underneath all of it. If he stayed in the background, speaking when being spoken to, never drawing attention to himself, he felt for sure that he could hide anything. From he's friends, he's family and even from himself, if he just believed the lies he fed everyone and himself everyday, then they would be true.

So he had no idea why he found himself standing outside this particular bar on this cold Friday night, he's jacket hunched around him and feeling absolutely terrified. Perhaps it was that one day ago he and he's family had all packed up and moved away from a life they all knew and were comfortable with. He found himself in a place where no one knew he's name. No one knew the quiet the John Paul, the one that always did what was expected of him, the one that never broke free.

That's why he was standing here – he knew that this night was he's one chance, the one time. Before he had to face he's new life and settle back into the routine of being the safe John Paul. If any of he's friends from back home knew he was standing outside a gay bar, watching as the people hurried by, moving in and out of the bars, nervous to even move from the spot he was standing, they would never have believed it. Never even have expected it. In fact he was pretty sure if they knew he was standing outside any bar they wouldn't believe it.

He hated their perception of him, and yet clung onto it for dear life out of a terrible fear that consumed him. There were quiet moments John Paul had let himself think about the fact that he had always felt different, but he would pass over them so quickly, not letting himself focus on it for too long. But something had happened earlier in the evening that had driven him to be here. As he sat in he's new house he's Mum and sisters bustling about, fighting over bedrooms, annoyed that John Paul had the biggest room and everything seemed to slow down, he felt like he was frozen in time and everything around him had slipped away. He was being suffocated by everything that surrounded him and he had to get out – he could feel it, the same feeling as before, he knew he would be exactly the same as he had always been and for one night, he just wanted to break free from it. And he had slipped away as they had all stood around arguing and somehow ended up here. Face to face with something that he had been avoiding for the longest time.

He felt he's phone vibrate in he's pocket, taking it out he looked down "Chloe" flashed on the screen, he looked away – looking up and down the street and sighed, and for one moment he wanted to walk away, answer the call, go back home and just go to sleep. But something told John Paul that this could be he's only chance, he's one chance and he needed to know. He cancelled the call and put he's phone back into he's pocket and looked over to one of the doors into a bar. Truth was John Paul actually had no idea what he was doing here, or what he had come here for but he knew questioning it would make him back out. He breathed in deeply and walked to the door, he's heart beating quickly in he's chest.

As he walked into the bar, he suddenly became very aware of the fact that he was alone, as he watched groups of people smiling and laughing, groups of people on the dance floor happily dancing away, he immediately headed to the bar, hoping a drink or maybe even two would calm him down. The lady behind the bar smiled at him widely and he ordered he's drink and never looked away from the bar, he sat there for a while just staring straight ahead drinking he's drink.

The lady behind the bar approached him again asking if he wanted another. He almost felt like he was on display as her and the guy behind the bar looked at him and smiled at one another, he had clearly become part of some joke they had and it was making him feel even more uncomfortable than he already did.

_"First time here huh?"_ John Paul looked up suddenly to find the woman behind the bar was now looking directly at him.

_"That obvious huh?"_ She laughed and placed another drink down in front of him.

_"Honey, when you've worked here as long as I have, you get to know these things."_

John Paul smiled, he could feel himself start to relax slightly as the woman whose name was Mary started to explain that she had been running the bar for nearly 10 years and she had seen a lot of John Paul's in her time. It wasn't quite what he had expected. He's first time in a gay bar and he ended up talking to the 30 something woman behind the bar, and it actually being one of the funnest nights he'd had in a really long time. She didn't ask him anything about himself, they just spoke about her and the bar and random talk about TV shows nothing of any consequence. He's awkwardness must have been apparent and she seemed to have really calmed him down. He still felt out of he's comfort zone but at the moment anything that eased that feeling was good.

He excused himself and headed to the toilets and as he walked across the room, he felt eyes staring at him which made him feel very self conscious, he didn't look at anyone, he focused on the door of the bathrooms and made he's way quickly across the room and when he reached the door he pushed it open forcefully and immediately headed to the sink, leaning over it breathing in and out quickly trying to catch he's breathe.

_"Bad night?"_ the voice made him jump out of he's skin and he stepped backwards quickly as some stood closely by he's side.

_"Erm... just weird"_ the stranger smiled and began washing he's hands. He nodded and turned to face John Paul _"I know what thats like"_

John Paul felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt that feeling from earlier, like he was frozen in time, but this time for a completely different reason. Two brown eyes staring right at him, looking at him in a way that he swore he would always remember. It was like he knew, he knew that all of this was alien to John Paul, that he felt completely out of he's depth. Those eyes. He could never forget them. He wasn't sure how long they stood there looking at one another like that, but something compelled John Paul to not look away. It was broken by the door swinging open and a drunken yell snapped them causing them to look away.

_"Craig! Come on. You've been in here... oh... "_ the drunken man looked towards John Paul and smiled at the stranger John Paul now knew as Craig _"Didn't realise you were busy."_ He laughed and left the toilet.

John Paul turned to face the mirror again and he watched as Craig began drying he's hands. _"Mates eh?"_ The silence being broken startled John Paul again, realising how on edge he was. _"I better get back to them. They can't seem to stay in one place for very long. It was nice to meet you..."_

John Paul looked again into those eyes, that seemed to captivate him, and he realised that he was waiting for him to speak. _"Erm John Paul."_

He watched as Craig nodded. _"John Paul. I'll remember that name."_ Craig smiled and turned away and opened the door. He stopped and turned back to look at John Paul. _"Look, I'm not. I mean I don't do this. Mainly cos well I'm crap at it... but erm... could I buy you a drink?"_

He felt scared again really scared. Like he's stomach was rising up into he's throat he's heart beating faster and faster again. He's mind spinning at what felt like a 100 mph. But something about it all felt right. Felt more right than anything else ever had in he's life. And he knew what it meant, he knew it all along. There was no hiding from this. All he did was nod. And then smile back at the face in front of him, and followed him through the room, settling down on the seat next Craig at the bar. He watched as Craig ordered them a drink, and he knew that this was just tonight. One night he could be this person. The person he had been running from for so long, and he knew thats all it was just one night. Tomorrow he'd wake up back to being the safe John Paul everyone knew and who everyone expected him to be.


	2. How Soon Is Now?

**Thank you very much for the reviews they mean alot. As you can tell from the first chapter this story is gonna be very different to whats happened on the show. It was just idea that came into my head and wouldn't go away. So thanks again. And enjoy**

**xoxox**

Craig Dean was many things. For a long time, he put up a front of being over confident and maybe some would even say arrogant, to cover up what was really underneath the surface. He knew by doing this he could get everyone to believe he was one thing, even though he knew deep down inside the truth of who he was. It had taken him years of thinking, years of a slow realisation, that he wasn't like anyone else in he's life. And for the longest time he felt so alone. There had been many times when he had thought about talking to someone. He's sister. He's brother. He's Mum. But the fear would set in. He didn't want to be rejected by them, to have them look at him differently.

It was one year ago that Craig had finally told he's family that he was gay.

It was the same day he met Tom.

He had been waiting for he sister to meet him in the village for an hour. He remembered everything about that day. It had been raining and ground was still wet and the smell lingered in the air. He had waited for so long, and had been so lost in he's thoughts he hadn't even noticed the person approach him and sit next to him on the bench he waited for.

The stranger next to him had handed him a flyer for a club in town and smiled. Craig looked down at the flyer in he's hand. He turned to look at the person sitting by he's side, who had started talking. Craig noticed that there was a pile of the flyers in he's hands. He was talking away about how it was the clubs opening night, and the flyer got him in free. And it was such a small thing. A small moment when Craig didn't feel afraid of anything. Such a small silly thing as a piece of paper. And then the stranger held out he's hand for Craig to shake, and introduced himself.

Craig couldn't say how things would be today if he hadn't met Tom that day. If he hadn't agreed to meet up with him later that night. And from that moment on started out a friendship with him, that was based on the truth of who he really was. For the first time he was being himself with someone. And it felt liberating. He thought that it would be terrifying to have himself so exposed, but it wasn't. It was like being set free after years of being hidden away. It made the fear of having to tell he's family and other friends that he was gay.

And thats why on this particular night. A certain boy had caught he's eye. He saw something in him that was so familiar to a face he recognised on himself. The boy looked scared and lost amongst everyone else. But there was also something about him that stood out. Craig had never seen anyone like him before. Craig had seen people he had liked before, but never been brave enough to approach anyone, he wasn't like Tom. Tom was so secure and comfortable with who he was, and even though Craig may have appeared to be, deep down he was still trying to adjust to it all. So if he saw someone he liked he would have Tom trying to make him go and talk to the guy, but he never would, but this was different. For some reason he felt compelled to speak to this one. The look in he's eyes as he had looked in the mirror, the blue sparkling back at him, they captivated Craig and he out of nowhere was talking to him, actually talking to him.

Now he stood at the bar ordering drinks for the both of them, he turned and looked to the corner where John Paul sat and smiled, then turned back to face the bar. He looked over to where Tom and he's friends were sitting and watched as Tom smiled brightly at him, sticking two thumbs up, Craig laughed placing he's head in he's hands. Finally he ordered he's drinks and moved across the bar and sat down next to John Paul, handing him he's drink. He shifted in he's seat slightly, trying to remain as composed as possible.

_"Are you here with friends?"_ Craig sat forward in he's chair and looked towards John Paul. He could see he was nervous, slightly uncomfortable with he's surroundings. He knew the answer. He was here alone. Of course he was.

_"No. I actually just moved to the area today"_

_"Oh right I see. You move on your own then.. or?"_

_"No no. With my family. My Mum and my five sisters"_

_"Five sisters?"_ Craig laughed as John Paul nodded and smiled at him, he seemed to be relaxing as the conversation continued. And Craig almost forgot to listen to John Paul as he found himself lost in the blue eyes looking into he's own. He looked away down into he's bottle of beer _"I have one sister and thats bad enough. 5 must be a nightmare"_

_"It has its good and bad things. I mean. We all look out for each other you know? Cos well we're all we have"_ Craig turned to him again and saw John Paul was looking down into he's beer, he seemed sad. Lost. He barely knew this person. Knew nothing but a name and these small things he had told him already, but he felt like he could feel he's pain. It seemed so similar to he's own that he had once felt. Craig continued to watch John Paul as he fiddled with the bottle in he's hands as he spoke.

_"Bad thing is, sometimes its easy to get lost in them I guess. They're all such big personality's all different in there own way. Sometimes I feel a bit small in comparison. Also the queue for the bathroom in the mornings is a nightmare"_

John Paul laughed again. Immediately making Craig do the same._ "Families. They can be difficult. But also sometimes they're taken for granted you know? I mean they can be annoying and drive you crazy, but sometimes they can surprise you, in ways you didn't think they could"_

_"The voice of experience eh?"_

_"I wouldn't know about that"_ Craig sighed heavily and took a swig of he's beer. He had almost completely forgot he's surroundings. The evening had started out like most Friday nights, but this. Now. This was different. There was something different about this person. And he couldn't explain it.

_"Sorry. You ask me for a drink and I totally bring the mood down."_

_"You didn't. It's rare that I have someone to talk to"_ Craig turned to look at John Paul again. And their eyes met again. There was something so compelling about this boy, something that wouldn't let him look away. Something that made him not want to. He wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. He didn't even know him, but something inside of Craig was screaming at him. He opened he's mouth to speak, just as John Paul turned away. Craig saw the look in he's eye just before he had. It was one of fear and confusion. He understood how this must have seemed to him, what this drink actually meant. But Craig wasn't like that. A lot of he's friends were. They were always talking about one night stands, but Craig had never been like that. He wanted more than that.

John Paul stood up quickly _"I really have to go..."_

_"John Paul, I don't erm do this. And by this I mean I don't talk to random men in bars. I mean if thats what your thinking... which I'm sure you are but its not like that, I mean I'm not like that. Its just. I'm gonna sound like an idiot cos I don't even know you but... "_

Craig stood up and looked into John Pauls eyes again, and he immediately looked away. He was looking around frantically, clearly trying to recall the way out of this place. Craig again recognised the look he had seen it so many times in himself. And him rambling clearly wasn't helping he's discomfort.

_"Come on. Lets get out of here."_

Craig moved away from the table quickly – John Paul walking quickly behind him. As soon as they reached the door John Paul walked quickly ahead of Craig moving away from the hustle of the crowd. Craig watched from the other side of the street as John Paul leaned heavily against the wall, he's head resting on it. He thought at that moment, he could just walk away. It wouldn't have mattered there was nothing to lose here. But he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something to lose, something he couldn't even explain or describe. And it was that which pulled him across the road and made him lean back against the wall.

_"First time in a place like that then yeah?"_

John Paul moved away from the wall kicked the ground angrily _"Do I have a sign on back saying that or something?"_

_"No"_ Craig smiled at him. _"Its just I've been there. I recognised the look on your face as soon as I saw you"_

_"Oh and you thought what? Take pity of the pathetic sod?"_

_"Not at all. I thought here's someone who looks a bit lost. Which is mostly how I feel everyday. Here's someone whose different. Not like anyone else in there. And I wanted to buy you a drink. Talk to you. That was all."_

_"That was all? You think I don't know what everyone in these bars is looking for?"_

_"Is that why you came here?"_

_"NO. I just... I was sitting at home surrounded by everyone and they were all shouting and yelling, what my family seem to do best, and all I could think about was how if I just got up and walked out no one would even notice I was gone. They wouldn't even blink an eye. So I did. And I just started walking and here I am. And I have no idea why..."_

_"Yes you do. You may not wanna admit as to why you came here tonight. But you know why." Craig sighed heavily and walked closer towards John Paul. "I've been there. Sometimes I feel like I am still where you are... I feel like I finally manage to take a step forward and then something will happen and its 3 steps back. But everyday I remind myself that this is who I am. Who I'm meant to be"_

_"Its not like that for me. This is it. My one chance of just... I needed to know... "_

_"Needed to know what?"_

John Paul shook he's head and looked down the street. _"I can't be here"_ he turned and started to walk away. And again Craig felt compelled to follow him stopping him in he's tracks.

_"Look. I have no idea why I'm doing this and you no doubt couldn't give a crap what some stranger thinks. But I remember feeling the way you do, I felt alone and scared and completely terrified. But someone helped me so much, helped me see it was okay you know? To feel... maybe there's a reason we met tonight. Maybe I'm supposed to be that person for you, to help you"_

_"I don't want your help"_

Craig nodded. _"Okay. Just... you have a phone?"_

_"What?"_

_"You have your mobile?" _John Paul nodded and removed it from he's pocket and Craig took hold of it and started to type in he's number. What the hell was he doing? He just said he didn't want any help, but he figured if he had really meant it, he's be grabbing the phone back off him and running down the street. He pressed save and then looked back into John Paul's eyes.

_"Just in case... well anything"_

He watched as John Paul grabbed the phone from he's hand and shoved it back in he's pocket and practically ran down the street. Craig felt a huge sense of disappointment, like he should have said something different, that he hadn't wanted him to walk away. Not that he was surprised, if the situation had been reversed he wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't have done the same thing. He sighed and a strange feeling gripped him, and he couldn't seem to shake it. He was almost certain of one thing, that the number that had been entered into the phone that night would be deleted almost straight away.


	3. Over My Head

**Thank you again for reading and to people who reviewed. I'm glad people are liking this story. I'm kinda just going along and seeing what happens with it really. And I tend to be slow with fics I like to build up the relationships between the characters. So there may not be alot of JPC to start with but I'll get there.**

**Thanks again**

**xxxx**

* * *

John Paul stood nervously at the gate leading into place that was about to become he's college for the next year. He had to admit, the upheaval of having to leave the normality of he's friends and the place he had grown accustomed to was finally setting in. He welcomed the change and yet seemed to fear it all at the same time. He looked at the people filling into the building, meeting friends, everyone already knowing one another. And he felt so alone as he stood there stuck to the spot.

He moved forward slowly looking down at the piece of paper in he's hand, it was all very well having a list of he's class and the rooms they were in, but seeing how didn't know where any of them were it made things very difficult. He felt like running in the other direction, but it dawned on him that it was either this or return to the crazy place that was the McQueen household, and it had been bad enough spending the weekend cooped up in that place. He had tried to spent most of he's time away from them, throwing himself into setting he's room up how he wanted it, ignoring the crashes and thuds he heard from around the house, only to be followed by either he's Mum or one of he's sister yelling. He had just moved across the room to he's decks and turned the volume up – drowning out any noise from them, and mostly trying to drown out any thoughts he was having about the night before.

Looking back at it, it seemed like it wasn't him it was a story someone had told him, that someone else had gone to that bar, that someone else had done that. He wouldn't let himself accept that it was him who had ended up there, because he couldn't justify it and he didn't understand what had possessed him to do it. As he had walked away from the bar, away from the stranger who had completely terrified him and yet intrigued him, he looked down at the number that was saved to he's phone at the name "Craig" - and he just kept on walking, no idea where he was heading, just walked for what felt like hours. When he finally found himself safe at home in he's room, he stared once again at the number. It was just a number – such a small thing to be causing so much conflict. He felt like there were two sides of him fighting it out to gain control – one wanted to call the number, have someone to talk to about all the things he had been running from for what felt like forever and the other was too scared, too afraid be brave enough to just that thing and it won out as clicked on over the name and deleted it. If it wasn't there, it wasn't an issue. If he ignored those thoughts he could manage to convince himself that none of it had happened.

John Paul paused briefly before opening the door and entering the building, suddenly taken aback by the noise that filled the corridors, all the people rushing around getting ready for the first class of the day. He moved from the hall glancing at the piece of paper in he's hand, all of it seemed to be some kind of big jumbled mess. The noise of he's phone stopped him in he's tracks. He flipped it open and sighed heavily.

"_Hope your first day is okay. I miss you. Chloe xoxox"_

He slammed the phone shut quickly returning it back in he's pocket. Just one more thing that John Paul had been avoiding all weekend. The normal thing to feel would be missing he's girlfriend. Wanting to call her straight away as soon as he got there telling her that much. But for some reason all he could feel was relief. As soon as he had pulled away from he's life back there, it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off he's shoulders, like he could breathe for the first time in ages.

He couldn't ignore her forever, eventually she would call the house and he's Mum would corner him, forcing him to talk to her. The night before he had left he had been all set to breaking things off, if for no other reason than the distance there would be between them, at least that was what he kept telling himself, that was what he used as he's excuse. But when he arrived at her house, there had been a huge party for him, all her family were there, all he's friends were there, and when he had seen the smile on her face as he walked in the room. He knew he couldn't do it. He was weak and a coward, but he couldn't bear the thought of being the person who made that smile fade. He cared about her, even before they had been together they had been friends. Best friends. And finishing it like that, when he could just walk away and leave her to deal with it. What kind of person does that? He didn't want to be that person. And in a way, he welcomed the cover she provided, when asked the question "Are you seeing anyone?" He could quickly and easily answer "I have a girlfriend" No one would know what was hiding underneath it all, why he clung to those words so much, it wasn't what he wanted it wasn't how he really felt, but he wasn't ready to admit anything different than that.

He suddenly stopped walking, realising that he had reached the end of the corridor and still had not found any of the places he was looking for. He sighed and turned to look back up the corridor, where the people were starting to disperse, and he suddenly realised he had five minutes till he's first lesson and had no idea where the hell he was. He looked back down at the piece of paper and tried to make some kind of sense before angrily screwing up the piece of paper.

"First day?"

He turned around startled to see a girl standing behind him smiling. He tried to take in her appearance as she stepped towards him pulling the piece of paper out of he's hand. She had short brown hair, with a pink streak running straight through the middle, her school uniform wasn't like everyone else's, it was worn in her own unique way, the plain black jumper that he had been given was different for her, it was black and pink stripes, and the white shirt she wore underneath had the sleeves rolled up.

"You have English first. Same as me. Come on I'll show you where it is" John Paul smiled as she handed the piece of paper back to him.

"I'm Nancy by the way. Do you have a name? Can you speak?"

"Sorry yeah. I'm John Paul"

"Hi. Its all a bit daunting I guess on your first day"

"You can say that again"

John Paul looked down at the bag Nancy was now pulling over her shoulder, it was covered in badges of bands that he had never heard of, and he smiled to himself that the first person he had met here was someone like her, one thing there was at he's old school was cliques, and most people stayed within them, and John Paul never felt to sure where he fitted into any of them, and he kind of liked that, it meant that people weren't really paying attention to you.

"So when you move here?"

"Just last week. Its all been a bit mad really"

"I bet. Don't worry you'll soon get settled in. Hollyoaks seems to have a way of being like that"

"Are you trying to scare me?"

"I prefer to call it – giving you a heads up. A place like this, everyone knows everyone else's business"

John Paul smiled as Nancy laughed and grabbed he's arm "I'm just messing with you John Paul. Its not too bad here, besides I'll take care of you" He smiled again as Nancy pulled him through the corridor and through the crowds of people. He knew that Nancy had been joking but something about what she said still terrified him, coming from a place where he could easily loose himself in a crowd, he now felt as though everyone was looking at him, wondering who he was. And it wasn't a feeling he was used to and the feeling of finding it hard to breathe was returning again. He felt relieved as he reached the door to the classroom and Nancy smiled up at him "I'll introduce you to my friends. They're in the class too. Come on"

John Paul followed Nancy as she entered the classroom, immediately walking over to two girls sitting on a table talking to a boy he couldn't quite see, hidden by the two girls. Nancy turned and smiled at him and waved him over to the table, and breathed in deeply before moving across the room, watching as Nancy clearly told her friends about him, he watched the girls turn to face him and the boy stand up so he could finally see him.

And thats when he stopped dead.

And the words of the boy who stood in front of him from the night when they had met two nights previously were ringing in he's head.

"_Maybe there's a reason we met tonight. Maybe I'm supposed to be that person for you, to help you"_

John Paul had never believed in things like fate, and that certain things were "meant to be", but fate was clearly playing some kind of trick on him. Something had made him go to the club that night, something had made he's Mum pick this place to move too, this school for him to go to. And suddenly all the things he wanted to avoid about himself, about that night, about all the questions he had spinning around in he's head, he couldn't ignore, he was standing face to face with it. And he watched as the boy looked up to see him the smile that was on he's face fading to one of of shock mirroring that of John Paul's.

"John Paul?"

He heard is name fall in the air, but still said nothing and John Paul knew that it didn't matter how much he tried to hide or deny who he was, he couldn't ignore this. Fate wouldn't allow it.


	4. I Need Something

**Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. They really do mean alot to me. I know this is alot different but thanks to anyone who is reading. It felt weird writing this chapter, not sure if its cos I am really sad that JPC is over for now, or that its cos it was Craig and Hannah lol. Most likely a bit of both. Anyways hope you enjoy. **

**Claire xx**

* * *

Craig stared aimlessly out the window, it was only the first day back, the class hadn't even started and he was already bored. He zoned out as everyone around him chatted away about what they been up to over the summer, desperately trying to avoid anyone asking him about he's summer. He had nothing to relay, it had been exactly the same as it was before, he had spent the summer the same way he had spent he's time at school, just without the school part. He's days had been filled with spending time either with Tom or Hannah, and then working at the pub he's Mum and step Dad owned, and listening as people continued to talk about the holidays and dramas that they had over the summer only reminded Craig even more that he was standing still. The only thing that comforted him was that he had one more year, just one more year then he could say goodbye to this place, and for once do what he wanted to do.

He turned to look around the room, and then back down to he's desk, he opened he's sketch book, and took in the scene around him, surrounded by people but being ignored, as if he wasn't even there. Craig had always felt like an outsider, and it had only been even more confirmed last year, when the news of he's coming out became public knowledge, nothing seemed to stay quiet for very long in Hollyoaks, rumours seemed to have a way of spreading around very quickly. He noticed the looks and heard the whispers, but he ignored them, and never spoke out as to whether it was true or not, it only made him realise that he's outcast status was now confirmed, and whereas at one point he may have desperately tried to fight against it, instead he welcomed it happy to not be involved in some kind of clique. He had he's friends and he knew who they were. He began sketching without even really thinking he's mind wandering away to somewhere else, he looked down at the paper in front of him, he saw himself sitting in the classroom, much like he was now, but instead of the people that surrounded him, he was alone, sitting at he's desk. It was okay in theory. Being alone meant no one ever worked there way in, putting up defenses acting like you were strong enough to face things alone, yes in theory it was okay. But the reality of the picture he just drew was the fact that he was _alone. _At least thats how it felt. In front of Tom he could be confident happy Craig, he bought it, just as everyone else did. But it didn't seem to quiet those fears that he had when he was sitting here by himself.

The sound of books being slammed down on the desk next to him snapped Craig out of he's daydream. He looked up to see Hannah frowning down in he's direction. Her arms were filled with books as her bag that fell off her shoulder came crashing down to the floor.

"Never let anyone say Hannah Ashworth isn't prepared for the first day back at college" Craig smiled and stood up taking the books off Hannah, as she grabbed her bag from the floor.

"Thanks. And I'm not prepared for this Craig. This is our last year. I can't screw this up."

"Han. You're the smartest girl in our year. You not gonna screw this up. You will however have to save me from screwing this year up"

Hannah smiled back at him and then started working her way through organising her books "You'll be fine, you just need to stay focused. Last year was different. You had a lot of stuff... you know going on."

"You mean constantly worrying about how I was going to tell my family that I'm gay, and then finally telling them that and then realising that actually it wasn't that scary to begin with?"

"Something like that yeah" Hannah nudged him lightly and then returned to her books. Craig smiled and looked back down at he's drawing. He and Hannah had formed a quick friendship. Pretty much as soon as she walked into class her first day looking around the room shyly as all the other students looked at her like she wasn't good enough to be there, Craig knew how it felt, it was how they looked at him everyday, and she had sat down next to him, and not spoke for ages, and then when Craig finally asked her about herself he hadn't been able to get her to shut up since.

"You have a good time Friday night?"

Craig smiled "Yeah it was good. You should have come out..."

"I don't think Tom likes me"

"Hannah, you don't think anyone but me Nancy and Sarah like you. And besides thats just what Tom's like, once you get to know him, he's great. We're going out Saturday you should come"

"I dunno..."

"You have to leave the house sometime, sitting at home playing scrabble with your baby brother every Saturday night is not good for you"

"Hey! We don't play Scrabble. Sometimes we play Monopoly too..."

Craig shook he's head and laughed "Thats my point. Come on promise me, say you'll come out with us, we'll invite Nance and Sarah too, you never know you might meet someone"

"Oh yeah and going to gay clubs with you and Tom is the way to do that? I don't hold out much hope seeing as you can't even find a bloke yourself"

Craig shifted in he's seat, as the truth of Hannah's statement resounded through him. "Maybe I'm not looking for anyone."

"Oh come on Craig. Everyone's looking for someone. Even you"

"What does that mean?"

"Well you know. You haven't exactly seen anyone since..."

"For your information. There is someone" Craig didn't even realise why the words had fallen out of he's mouth. He couldn't really count what had happened on Friday night as him meeting someone. But the truth was John Paul had been the only person he had really been interested in, who had managed to make him want to act on he's feelings, before he had been too scared, but something about him had made him want to talk to John Paul.

"Really? From Friday night? Who?"

Shit. He knew he shouldn't have said anything. How could he possibly explain this? There really was nothing to say. He had made a complete fool of himself. He had put himself out there and got rejected in a monumental style.

"It's nothing really..."

"Oh come on it can't be nothing, you've got that look on your face..."

"Its stupid really." Craig shook he's head and looked back out the window. It really was stupid. But why couldn't he stop thinking about John Paul? He didn't even know him and yet he couldn't get he's face out of he's mind. Those eyes. He could still feel those eyes burning back into he's own, the way he had spoke, Craig had kept everything to he's memory. Keeping everything single detail about him locked in he's mind. And it was stupid. He was clearly never going to see this person ever again and yet here he was unable to shake him from he's memory. He turned back to see Hannah still staring at him with a quizzical look. He sighed heavily.

"Fine, but don't laugh alright?"

"Craig I would never laugh at you."

"Okay well we both know thats a lie. But I'm serious." Craig paused for a minute and looked across the room as everyone started to settle down and take their seats.

"Have you ever met someone who for some bizarre reason that you can't even begin to explain you just feel drawn to them? Like there's something inside you pulling you towards them. Because that happened to me, and I know its sounds stupid, but I can't stop thinking about this person, every time I close my eyes their there and won't go away... " Craig felt Hannah's hand squeeze he's arm lightly.

"Oh Craig... is it Tom?"

"What?!?"

"Tom? The person you like?"

"No Hannah. It's not Tom. It's this guy I met Friday."

"Oh thank god. I mean come on? Falling in love with your best mate? That can never end well."

"Thanks for that. Its just I know I won't see him again, so I know its stupid and I don't even know him but its like, there was this connection, undeniable and I know he felt it too, but he seemed really scared, and I know how that feels I mean I saw something in him that I see... saw in myself" Craig shook he's head and laughed at the stupidity of it all.

"I sound ridiculous don't I?"

"No you don't. Look I'm a firm believer in things that are meant to be. And if you're meant to find this guy again you will. And if not well then thats just how it is. You weren't meant to find him. Did you even find out mystery mans name?"

Craig didn't notice at first but as he looked down in he's sketch book he had written _"John Paul" _across the page. He shook he's head and screwed up the piece of paper. "No. No I didn't" He sighed and thought maybe Hannah was right, he hadn't really ever believed in all that meant to be stuff, but somethings seemed to work out that way, like how he had met Tom, like so many other things in he's life. Perhaps this was just another one of those things. Whatever it was he knew he had to push it from he's mind, because it was pretty unlikely that he would find him anywhere around here. He looked back at Hannah who was now sitting on the table deep in conversation with Sarah who seemed to have entered the room without him even realising. He hadn't known Sarah too long just from Hannah, and then had suffered relentless teasing from Tom after he found out he was hanging around with three girls. Not that he cared, for the first time in a long time he had people he could call he's friends, people that actually cared about, which is a lot more than he had before. He smiled as Hannah told Sarah about Saturday nights plans, who then started to get very excited and began planning what they were going to wear, causing Craig to zone out of the conversation again.

He got he's phone from he's pocket and checked to see if he had any messages. Then he shook he's head again. He couldn't believe how stupid he was acting. He already knew the truth, there wasn't going to be any messages from him, and yet he seemed to want to torture himself. He looked back up again as Nancy joined them, jabbering away about some new person she had just met. Craig sighed he bet it was another girl, which was fine he guessed like making it four girls he was friends with was any worse than three really. He stood up slowly.

And thats when he stopped dead.

He thought for a moment he had dozed off in he's chair, that he was dreaming and somehow had been transported back to Friday night in he's dreams. But as he looked around he saw he was still standing in the busy classroom, staring into those eyes that had captivated him just days before. And something inside him just wouldn't let him look away. And he was looking right back at him too, looking straight into he's eyes. Not turning away. Almost like time had somehow slowed down. He opened he's mouth to say something but heard Nancy speak first.

"John Paul." Suddenly he snapped back to reality as John Paul broke eye contact and began to move towards them. But still Craig couldn't seem to look away, he couldn't believe that he was actually standing here.

"Everyone this is John Paul. Hannah, Sarah this is John Paul" Craig watched as they chatted for a few moments, he knew that he was staring but yet couldn't seem to tear himself from looking away.

"And this is the uncharacteristically quiet Craig Dean" Nancy smiled in Craig's direction and he sarcastically smiled back. "John Paul this is Craig"

"Actually it's a funny story..." Craig smiled as he began to recall the meeting from Friday night to he's friends before John Paul interrupted holding he's hand out in front of Craig. Craig looked into John Paul's eyes once again, but he saw something different there this time, a desperation for Craig to keep quiet, something telling him to play along.

"Its nice to meet you Craig"

Craig took hold of John Paul's hand and shook it lightly, nodding. And he understood completely and totally. John Paul being there on Friday hadn't been a mistake, it had just been John Paul's secret, one he hoped no one would ever find out about, and Craig had ruined he's perfectly thought out plan. He still stood holding John Paul's gaze, before putting on the fake smile he used for everyone else.

"Nice to meet you too" He let go of he's hand and sat back down in he's chair, he looked at the ball of paper he had screwed up only moments ago, and remembered once again that he was alone, for some bizarre reason he couldn't explain in meeting John Paul that night, he had felt like he wasn't, he couldn't explain it, but now even as he stood so closely to him, the truth hit him harder than ever before. He was alone. And he had never been more aware of it.


	5. Comfortably Numb

**Hello all. Thanks again for the reviews I know I say it everytime but it is really great to get feedback. And thank you to anyone reading. Yeah so I do tend to suck at updates, I write them usually over a period of a few days and always go back and forth on things, and I have a tendency to procrastinate. Anyways enough of my rambles. Hope you enjoy the update and thanks again. xxx**

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John Paul watched the clock in the middle of the classroom wall, he could swear he had been looking at it for so long it wasn't moving at all. He sighed heavily looking back down at he's textbook trying hard to focus on anything written across the page. But it all seemed like one big blur. He couldn't believe that it had been a week since he had moved. The last few days seemed to have passed by so quickly. He found it strange how quickly he had adapted to he's new surroundings. When he had walked in the classroom 4 days ago to find Craig standing in front of him fear had completely taken over him, he could see by Craig's reaction that he was just as surprised as John Paul and something was screaming inside of John Paul's head to stop Craig before he started speaking. Since then Craig hadn't bought up that night to him, he hadn't said one word after hanging around with John Paul all week. A certain relief set into John Paul, he hoped that Craig understood what he had meant when he silenced him. That night hadn't meant anything, he just needed an escape just for one night and that's where he ended up and thats what he kept telling himself from that night, that it was just a coincidence he turned up in that bar, he just wanted to go somewhere and get away from hassle of he's family.

After he's initial worry John Paul found himself happy with the new friends he had made, they were nothing like he's friends back home. It was almost like when he looked at them he couldn't see any individuals just one person – they all seemed to merge into one, nothing about them standing out.

But when he sat down to eat lunch with them that first Monday he watched them all and suddenly felt free from he's old life, free from the old misconception of he's personality. He didn't have to be the quiet boy that did as he was told. Here he could be anyone he wanted to be.

The only thing that kept him on edge was Craig. Mostly because he found himself getting along with him so well. He wasn't like any of the friends he had before, in a way he could see a lot of himself in him. He wasn't quiet or shy, he felt comfortable in the company of he's friends, and yet there was something about him that never seemed like he was telling all there was to tell, always keeping a small part hidden away. And more than anything John Paul could relate to that, even when he put up a front with he's friends of being happy and wanting to be there, he always kept a small part to himself, not fully letting anyone in.

And stranger than all that, he found himself daring to open up to Craig, talk to him about he's family, something he had always kept away from he's friends and he couldn't understand it, and he remembered himself, almost telling himself to stop talking to him, pulling himself away, on the one hand he was the one person he had met here who he felt like he could talk to, but at the same time he terrified him.

He tapped he's pencil lightly on the table, before turning to he's left, he watched as Craig sat drawing, he's text book closed, when it should have been open, completely lost in whatever it was he was drawing. John Paul had learnt that this wasn't uncharacteristic of Craig, in most lessons when Craig should have been reading or paying attention to the class, he was drawing, always drawing. He thought about asking him about it, but no one else, not Nancy, Sarah or Hannah paid it any attention, and he couldn't figure out if it was just something they were used to or if it was something personal to Craig, so he kept quiet. Craig lifted he's head lazily to look at the clock and then turned and looked at John Paul, it was only then John Paul realised he had been staring and returned he's gaze to he's textbook, the bell rang and the class jumped up out of their seats hurrying to pack everything away and head out the door. John Paul sighed and lifted himself out of he's seat. The sudden realisation that it meant returning to the mad house that he called home. He shoved he's books into he's bag and moved across the now empty classroom.

"John Paul" he turned to see Craig standing behind him placing he's books into he's bag "I was wondering if Nancy asked you about tomorrow? I bet she didn't... she's a bit forgetful like that"

"No no she didn't"

"Well we're going out into town.. so if you wanna come?"

For some reason John Paul felt hesitant to accept, he looked down to the floor, anywhere but back at Craig.

"I mean if you're busy... its fine... just let me know. Text me tomorrow?" He heard Craig sigh and lift he's bag off the desk. And then there was a silence, and he could feel Craig's gaze on him, and he was suddenly aware of the fact that they were alone.

"But I'm guessing you need my number? Unless of course you kept it..."

"I didn't" John Paul found himself replying almost too quickly.

"Look I haven't said anything about last week cos well, I didn't really know what to say. And I mean its none of my business but... I guess, I'm a little confused here..."

"Craig that night I was... I was having a really bad day and I just left all my friends. And my family alright I mean you can gather from what I've told you.. they just, they drive me insane sometimes and I just had to get out of that house... " John Paul looked up again and watched as Craig sat down again looking intently over at him "Sometimes I feel like if I got up and just walked away they wouldn't even notice... so... "

"So you did?"

"Yeah. I got up and I walked out the door, and I started walking and ended up there. I just wanted to get away just for one night"

John Paul looked at Craig expectantly, hoping he's reasoning would have silenced him. Craig stood up again and moved across the room, standing directly in front of John Paul.

"Okay. That explains how and why you got there. But it doesn't explain... it doesn't explain me does it?" Craig ran he's hand through he's hair and sighed. "I mean it doesn't explain you and me and..."

John Paul moved back quickly suddenly aware of the closeness of Craig "Craig. I'm not gay and I don't have a problem with you being gay, you seem like a really nice guy, and I want us to be friends and like I said that night... I just needed a bit of an escape"

He watched as Craig nodded softly and turned back to the desk and picked up he's bag, he moved towards John Paul again, he could see Craig questioning him, he was looking at him asking him with he's eyes if that was really how he felt. A million things passed through John Paul's mind searching for something to say, but before he could speak Craig had moved closer to him again.

"So about tomorrow night? You in?"

John Paul side as Craig reached passed him and opened the door. "Sure"

Craig smiled brightly "Well we're meeting at 9 – and you know the place where you needed a bit of an escape? We're meeting there."

He watched as Craig smiled again before heading towards the door, he stopped in the door way and turned back to John Paul "I just wanna say, you seem like a really nice guy too, and if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to or something, well I'm here. Cos I kinda get the feeling that maybe you don't have too many people in your life you can talk to, and well I understand that cos most of the time I feel like that too"

And then he was gone. Without even given John Paul a chance to respond. And suddenly the thought of returning home seemed quite comforting to John Paul, the thought of locking himself away in he's room forgetting the rest of the world seemed like the best solution to everything that was running through he's mind. All he could think about as he walked back home was Craig's last words to him. Never in he's life had he met someone that understood him, even he's family' interpretation of him was completely inaccurate, but Craig had been spot on. He didn't have anyone who he felt he could talk not really not about everything, and he had always thought he was to blame, that he was the one that closed off to everyone. But maybe he just hadn't met the person that bought that out of him, and again he felt terrified. And all he could do was question what it meant.

All he could do was keep repeating to himself over and over again that the night he met Craig, the night that he gone to that bar was completely random, he HAD just turned up there. He hoped that if he kept repeating it to himself over and over again that eventually he would believe it.

As John Paul approached he's front door, he could already hear the sound of chatter from he's sisters and Mum and he sighed heavily, hoping he could make a quick entrance and run up to he's room without being noticed. He entered cautiously looking about the room, he saw Carmel and Mercedes first sitting down in front of the TV chatting away and laughing, Jacqui sat opposite them reading a magazine scowling at the two of them, he looked to the kitchen after shutting the door behind him and saw Tina preparing dinner, thankfully no one seemed to have noticed him coming back, he turned and started to make he's way upstairs.

"Hey John Paul" John Paul closed he's eyes and let out a heavy sigh as he heard Jacqui speak to him.

"What?"

"You've got a visitor"

"What?" John Paul made he's way down the stairs moving into the living room "Who?"

"Surprise!"

John Paul turned towards the kitchen to find he's Mum smiling brightly and standing next to him was someone he had spent nearly everyday with up until last week, it felt longer than a week ago that he had said goodbye to her, that she had tearfully waved him goodbye as he had packed he's old life away and moved with he's family. He didn't know why but she somehow looked different to him, the same features, the bright smile, and long brown curly hair, bright shining blue eyes, but still so different.

"Chloe... what... what are you doing here?"

John Paul heard he's Mum let out a small laugh "That's not a very nice welcome is it love"

"Sorry... I just didn't expect to see you..." John Paul finally moved from the spot that he had been so fixed on and made he's way into the kitchen, he's Mum moved away and started helping Tina and John Paul pulled Chloe close into he's body.

"I'm sorry" he heard Chloe whisper softly into he's ear and then pull away slightly "I know you hate surprises. But I guess I missed you and I had today off college and wasn't working and I figured..."

"Why are you apologising? I'm really happy you're here" John Paul smiled down at her and the look of concern on her face quickly faded to one of relief and happiness. He looked around the room quickly to find 5 faces staring at them and then quickly turning away, he laughed slightly looking back down at her. "Come on"

He held onto her hand tightly leading her up the stairs. He should have been happy she was here. He should have wanted her there more than anything. But all he could feel was a certain sense of dread. He knew Chloe, and this wasn't her. Not unless something was wrong or something was bothering her. And he wouldn't have known if anything was, because since he arrived, he had been avoiding all her calls, leaving her text messages unanswered. And the only conclusion John Paul could come to was that was the exact reason she was here. She wanted some kind of explanation, and he just didn't have one. He didn't understand why he put so much effort into not wanting to talk to her. Surely thats all he should be wanting to do? Tell her about what he's new life was like, how much he was missing her. But he wasn't sure that he was.

He reached the comfort of he's room, which still had boxes left unpacked, a suitcase full of clothes still sitting in the corner. He looked to the right of it to see her bags sitting next to it, and suddenly he didn't feel a comfort in being in the room anymore. He sighed pulling off he's jacket and placed it on the bed, before turning back to face her.

"Hey" she smiled brightly at John Paul and he walked towards her. He stared at her face, the one he had looked at day after day, he almost knew it as well as he's own. John Paul lifted he's hand up to her face, tucking a stray curl behind her ear, and she leaned into he's hand. It felt good to see her, it did. Almost comforting, he could feel himself slipping back into he's old ways, putting on the fake smile he had learnt to perfect so many times, it was as if he was on auto pilot, going through all the motions.

He leaned in close and kissed her softly, her hands moving round to he's back, moving up and then resting around he's neck, reciprocating the kiss. "Hey" he smiled as he pulled he's head away from hers, still holding her in he's arms. She moved her hand up to he's face stroking he's cheek.

"No calls. No texts. Nothing."

He had seen it coming and pulled away instinctively, walking across the room "Yeah I'm sorry Chlo, its just been crazy you know? With college and getting settled... "

"And you didn't get five minutes to call your girlfriend?"

He couldn't look at her. He was being a jerk. He knew he was, but he couldn't give her an answer because he just didn't have one. He didn't know why he had found it so easy to avoid her to not talk to her.

"You know John Paul you're the one that said we should stay together. You know try the long distance thing? I mean if you got here and changed your mind thats fine... "

He turned to face her finally her eyes pleading with him for some kind of reason, anything.

"No... its not that" he cut off her sentence almost too quickly. He didn't want that. He cared about her and yet he was treating her like this. It had always been the same between them, her fighting for him to open up to him and John Paul always resisting.

"It really just has been a mad week." He began walking towards her again "And I just got a bit caught up in all of it. You know new friends and places. I am really sorry. I've been a crap boyfriend I know. But this is new for me, I just wanna fit in"

They now stood face to face inches apart, he reached he's hand to her face again "I'm am sorry"

"You could have told me all that, just something would have been nice. Its hard for me to you know? I'm so used to having you there and all of a sudden you're not and its been really hard... and then to not hear from you..."

"I know. I promise from now on."

John Paul looked into her eyes and saw them soften her lips curling into a small smile. "You're forgiven McQueen" he smiled pulling her into a hug.

"I missed hearing you call me that"

He felt her head rest against he's shoulder, and he rested he's head against hers. Why was he fighting so hard to hold onto something that he wasn't even sure he wanted?

If nothing else they had been friends for so long, and he cared about her more than anyone else in he's life. So why was he so intent on carrying on with something that she was clearly more invested in than she was. Why had he found it so easy to ignore all those calls, why had he intentionally deleted any message that arrived from her? And done it so easily without even hesitating.

And yet when she was here standing in front of him, he couldn't let her go, he didn't want her to leave he needed her in he's life. When had he got so confused?

All he could think about was he's 16th birthday party, and how happy he had been, all he's friends surrounding him, Chloe holding onto he's arm as he watched he's Mum holding up the cake singing happy birthday over everyone else. He remembers smiling so much more then. But something changed, and he couldn't figure out when it had been a gradual progression, the feelings that had been so strong back then had faded and had just become another part of he's routine, the fake facade he put up for everyone. He hoped that being here would have broken him out of that, but now he found himself back in exactly the same place, a different room, a different town, but he was no different, he let the feeling defeat him and gave over to it as Chloe kissed he's cheek, moving down he's face to kiss he's lips again. He realised he could never break free from it, this is who he was, who he had always been, and always would be.


	6. Apply Some Pressure

**Thanks again for the comments and anyone who's reading.**

**xx**

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Craig pulled the shirt over his shoulders and began fastening the buttons, before turning to look at himself in the mirror he smiled satisfied with the effort he had made. He wasn't someone who usually made too much effort with such things, but he found himself taking more time to get ready for the evening, he didn't fool himself as to the reason why he was. He also knew the reason for his extra effort was going to be lost. The person he was making the effort for wouldn't even notice that it had been made. He looked at himself in the mirror again and he felt like laughing at himself and how ridiculous he was being. If he had been unsure of John Paul's feelings he was damn sure of them now, John Paul had made that very clear to him yesterday in the classroom. And yet Craig still couldn't stop the feelings that he knew were growing towards the blonde haired boy. He knew from the moment he had first seen him, he was not going to be someone he could easily forget.

And Craig had tried all week to stop himself from feeling that, after John Paul dismissed their meeting he had resigned himself to the fact that it was something that was never going to be addressed, but then as each day had passed, as he had watched John Paul and spoke to him, the resistance he had been trying so hard to fight was slowly breaking down, with each look John Paul gave him, with each smile he saw, each laugh he heard. And something yesterday made him feel brave, he suddenly felt he had the courage to confront John Paul about their first meeting, but as usual with Craig and his impulsive moments he wished he could take it back. Because as soon as he opened his mouth and the words came out, he could see the look of fear on John Paul's face, the determination in he's eyes to convince Craig that the night meant absolutely nothing, it was just a random meeting.

Craig however had been unconvinced. He could see something else – the inside struggle John Paul was having with himself, fighting against everything that he's heart and mind really wanted him to do. And more than anything Craig understood that. He had been there, he had lived it. And more than anything he wanted to reach out to John Paul and try and help him. But he knew that if he pushed it too far, John Paul could end up running in the opposite direction and completely out of his life, and Craig didn't want that. He knew that all he could do was be a friend, even if his own heart was telling him it wanted something else.

He grabbed his jacket off the bed as his door opened and his Mum walked in. Craig watched as his Mum looked around the room, he had no idea what she was expecting to find. The day he had told his Mum he was gay. Everything had changed. It wasn't a bad change. It had just made everything different. His Mum had become silent around him, the once loud and laughing woman had become quiet and reserved around him. The Mum that used to talk to him and question him about his life now asked nothing. Nothing that really mattered anyway. The only time there were questions Craig felt as if it was more her checking up on him rather than out of genuine care or concern for her son.

"The girls are downstairs waiting for you – just thought I'd let you know"

Craig nodded and smiled at his Mum, but she quickly looked away as she walked into the room and picked up tops that had been scattered across the floor.

"So where you lot off to tonight?"

He sighed and so it began, the same line of questioning that presented itself every night he went out. He felt like they had both perfected their parts in it so well, he didn't even have to think of his responses anymore.

"Just into town"

"You meeting anyone else?"

"Yeah. Just some friends."

"Tom?" There was a venom in her voice that Craig could never quite get used to hearing. He knew what it stood for, the way she said he's name, it spoke volumes. The blame of his coming out had been put entirely onto Tom. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that it was just who he was, who he had always been. There had to be someone to blame, and seeing as Tom came into Craig's life the same time as his announcement had been made, it was inevitable that the blame would fall on him. Craig figured his Mum assumed that he and Tom were together, he never corrected her mistake, because he wasn't entirely sure she would care to know either way.

"Yes Mum. We're meeting Tom later."

She finished picking up the last few pieces of clothing before turning to her son and smiling. "Well have a good time love"

Craig turned to look at himself in the mirror again as she left the room, he didn't know what pained him more, his Mum general lack of interest in anything about his life, or the fact that he was starting not to care.

Craig made he's way to the bar where Nancy, Sarah and Hannah we're waiting. He waved to his Mum behind the bar before heading outside with the 3 of them. Hannah held onto he's arm tightly and shuddered as the cool air hit them.

"Where we meeting John Paul?" Sarah pulled her coat around her tightly.

"I told him where it was yesterday. I dunno if he'll bother though" Craig zipped he's jacket up and turned to face Nancy "You alright Nance?"

"John Paul just text me. He can't make it."

"Did he say why?"

"No. All very cryptic. But I have an idea" Nancy smiled devilishly in Craig's direction.

"I don't like the sound of that" Hannah laughed as she held onto Sarah's arm for warmth too.

Craig smiled as Nancy set off down the road, ordering the three of them to follow her. Craig wasn't surprised by John Paul's decision not to go. He had been pretty much expecting it, he tried his best to hide his disappointment as they wandered through the village, but his quiet mood was not lost on Hannah as Sarah raced off ahead to catch up with Nancy.

"Are you okay Craig? You seem quiet?"

"Yeah I'm alright. Just another mad day in the Dean house is all."

"Things no better with your Mum?"

He sighed heavily, he hated how Hannah seemed to be able to do that with everyone. Pick up on things that were bothering people at that exact moment.

"Not really. But she'll come round eventually. Anyways lets not talk about that tonight" Craig smiled down at her and then looked back up the road "NANCE! Where are you taking us?"

He and Hannah laughed as Nancy stopped and turned round to face them "All will be revealed Mr Dean"

Craig followed Nancy up the concrete stairs and looked around. Where the hell were they? He always knew Nancy was a little weird and suddenly became very afraid that they were about to enter some bizarre kind of special party only Nancy could be involved with.

"Nancy. Where are we?"

He watched as Hannah looked around, pulling her coat tightly around her "If this is some weird kind of sex party Nancy then..."

"Why would you all assume I would bring you somewhere like that?"

Sarah laughed loudly "Well it is you Nance."

"Thanks for that FRIENDS"

"Well..." Craig shook his head "If its not that. Then what are we doing here?"

"And where is here?" Hannah laughed

"John Paul's"

"I thought you said he wasn't coming?" Sarah moved to stand next to Craig.

"I did. But I also said I had a plan. It seems to me that our new friend John Paul is quiet and making excuses not to come out with us tonight. SO here we are." Nancy smiled triumphantly at them all, but Craig was not convinced this was such a good idea.

"He obviously doesn't want to does he? And I don't think turning up at he's door is gonna be something he'll appreciate"

"Of course he will. I can be very persuasive when I have to be Craig"

Craig laughed slightly "True. But still."

"Oh stop being such a worrier"

And before Craig had another chance to protest Nancy was knocking on the door and the feeling that this was a terrible idea didn't go away as John Paul opened the door.

"Surprise!!"

Craig couldn't help but let out a small laugh as Nancy enthusiastically waved at John Paul.

"I know you said you couldn't make it, but we thought why not come round and try and persuade you otherwise"

"We?" Hannah laughed "Don't bring us into your little plan. Sorry John Paul, but as you may be learning about Nancy is she doesn't seem to like to take no for answer"

John Paul smiled and looked nervously back into the house, before moving outside a little.

"Look guys, this is really sweet of you. But something came up and I just can't make it..."

"John Paul..." Before John Paul could finish what he was saying they all heard a voice from inside the house. Craig smiled and assumed it was one of he's sisters, he had told Craig a lot about them over the past few days and how they always wanted to be involved in he's business. But as the voice called again and was closer this time, the person finally came into view, wrapping her arms around John Paul's waist, leaning her head to rest on he's arm.

"Oh. Hello"

Craig looked to the girl and then back at John Paul, whose expression had completely changed from one of being happy to see he's friends to being completely uncomfortable with the situation he was now in. Craig stood expectantly with the others as he waited for John Paul to form some kind of introduction but it seemed as if John Paul was fixed to the spot unable to speak.

"Hey. I'm Nancy. We're John Paul's friends from college. Just trying to change he's mind about coming out tonight" One thing that could always be counted on was Nancy and her ability to overlook any awkwardness there could be and completely ignore it.

Craig watched as the girl smiled brightly and took hold of John Paul's hand "I'm Chloe". Another silence filled the air, as Chloe looked at them expectantly like they should know who she was. "John Paul's girlfriend"

Craig already knew it, he knew exactly who she was. But for some reason he had been hoping the words wouldn't fall from her mouth, that somehow it wouldn't be true.

"Well I say John Paul you and Chloe get ready and we can all go out together" Nancy smiled brightly.

"Its okay really, we were just gonna..."

"Of course we will. It sounds like fun. Besides I'd like to meet John Paul's friends here. Make sure he's got people taking care of him" Craig watched as Chloe smiled up at John Paul and then back to Nancy, who started to walk into John Paul's house.

"Excellent. And you can tell us lots of embarrassing John Paul stories"

Sarah and Hannah followed Nancy. He watched as Chloe let go of John Paul's hand and followed the other girls into the living room. Craig still hadn't moved from where he was standing.

"Craig..." the voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he looked up to meet John Paul's gaze.

"You coming in?"

Craig felt like running away. He had a feeling of dread about the evening before him, that all week he had been looking for. Everything inside of him was telling him to make some kind of an excuse and run away back home and stay there. But as he looked into John Paul's eyes all those thoughts seemed to vanish as he saw something in them unexpected. Almost like a pleading a wanting for Craig to be there. He knew he shouldn't stay, that he should have walked away, but he knew the chance had passed him by as he found himself walking into John Paul's living room – listening to Nancy questioning Chloe about her and John Paul.

Yes. Craig knew this was a really bad idea.


	7. Whats Meant To Be

John Paul held tightly onto Chloe's hand as he found himself sitting in the bar that he had days ago, he watched as his new friends laughed and felt comfortable in their surroundings. But he kept zoning out of the conversation, looking around still feeling completely out of place and awkward as if everyone was looking at him.

He turned to look at Chloe who was deep in conversation with Craig who sat next to her and tried to listen to what they were saying, but the sound of the music and Nancy opposite singing very loud and drunkenly kept distracting his attention away.

"So John Paul. You kept that one quiet?" Nancy yelled across the table and everyone turned to look at her.

"Whats that?"

"Chloe."

John Paul turned to look at Chloe who was staring directly at Nancy "What do you mean?"

"He didn't say a word about you. First thing we knew about you was tonight" Nancy laughed loudly drinking from her bottle of beer again "Keeping you're options open were you John Paul" Nancy laughed again winking in John Paul's direction.

John Paul turned to look back at Chloe who pulled her hand away from his and was now frantically searching through her bag.

"Don't listen to Nancy" Craig leaned into speak to Chloe "She's terrible when she's pissed doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut"

"Its fine really. Where are the ladies?" John Paul stayed staring at Chloe hoping she would feel his gaze on her, but her attention remained on Craig as he directed her into the direction of the toilets and then she was walking away quickly with no glance back at John Paul. He watched her walk until he couldn't see her anymore and then back down into his drink.

It wasn't an intentional thing not bringing her up to his new friends, it had just never come up in conversation. No one had asked, so he didn't say anything. He took another swig from his drink, it really was his only option tonight, drinking as much as possible, the whole thing felt incredibly awkward, and he knew if he didn't have the drink for courage he would have been up and out the door a long time ago.

He knew Craig was looking at him, he could tell he wanted to question John Paul over Chloe. But he couldn't have that conversation. It was honestly just a genuine mistake. A mistake that made him completely forget to mention to his new friends that he had a girlfriend and they had been together for over a year. He realised as he said it back in his head how it must have seemed, especially to Chloe. What after avoiding her messages and now this? John Paul was starting to question the kind of person he was being. Was this really how he wanted to be?

He could still feel Craig's gaze and turned to speak to him.

"So when does your friend get here Craig?"

"Yeah" Sarah yelled across the table "I can't wait to see Tom again"

"Oh yeah" Hannah sighed

"Don't be like that Han" Craig laughed "Its just he's way with people, it takes him a while to warm up. And he should be anytime"

"Craig I've met him a few times already. I think if he was gonna warm up to me he would have. Just face it, he doesn't like me!"

"Well I refuse to accept that" Craig smiled at Hannah across the table.

"Just you wait John Paul, we'll see if Tom likes you or not" Hannah laughed sticking her tongue out to Craig.

"Way to scare him Han"

John Paul watched as Craig smiled back at Hannah, as she turned and continued chatting away to Nancy and Sarah. John Paul looked down into his empty bottle. More drinks were needed and right now.

"I'm just gonna head to bar Craig. You want another?"

"Yeah. I'll come with you"

Crap. That's what he needed. The last time he had been alone with Craig he felt like so much had been left unresolved and awkward. And now he was following him to the bar, the same bar they met for the first time. And suddenly John realised he felt completely confused and lost in his new surroundings and was longing for a simpler time.

John Paul watched as Craig confidently ordered the drinks and then turned back and smiled at him.

"Chloe's really nice. How long have you two been together?"

"Just over a year." John Paul was trying his hardest not to look directly at Craig, he was feeling unsettled enough, and the thought of having Craig looking at him, judging him for not being honest about him and Chloe would have only made him feel worse.

"A year? Wow. Serious stuff then"

"Yeah I guess. I mean we were friends before for ages, and things just kinda happened"

He waited for Craig to respond by he said nothing. He had no idea why he was being so blasé about his relationship with Chloe. They were serious. They had everything planned after what they were going to do after college. They had sat down together and discussed it before John Paul had left, almost planning every single detail, and now it was just something that kind of happened. He had no idea what he was doing, or why he was making out his relationship to be nothing.

"I really care about her. She's... she's been like my best friend really. I haven't always treated her the best I should I guess, and I'm trying to be better."

"Well these things they take work sometimes don't they? And besides it must be really hard being so far away from one another after being used to having each other around for so long"

But it wasn't. It really wasn't. Yes he had missed having her to talk to. But he hadn't missed her like he knew he should have, he should have been wanting to call her and talk to her and be there for her but he had no desire too.

"I mean I'm no relationship expert John Paul, but I think when somethings right you know it. And well even though the two of you apart you know, if its meant to be then, it'll work out. And if not then you were both destined for other things, other people."

As Craig had continued to speak John Paul had finally met his gaze and was taking in each and every word he said, he couldn't quite figure out what it was, whether it be the atmosphere he found himself in, the multiple drinks he had consumed throughout the evening but John Paul found himself captivated by Craig. And a feeling, one that he hadn't allowed himself to feel since the first time he had spoken to Craig overcame him, and as he saw Craig's eyes meet his he knew that they were both feeling the same. He felt like he couldn't breathe like everything around him was disappearing.

Then he turned away, the intensity becoming too much. He picked up the drink that had been placed on the bar and took a large gulp before turning back to Craig who was now staring down into he's bottle.

"John Paul... you should probably know. Tom whose meeting us tonight. You kinda met him. You know that guy that came into the toilet that night. I know you didn't want me to bring it up again, but I just well if he comes striding in before I can say anything you know? I just wanted you to know."

"Oh right well thanks. Erm..."

"Its alright. I take him away for a bit when he turns up and just explain things. I mean it didn't mean anything. Right?"

John Paul turned to Craig again who was still looking down into he's drink. He shook his head.

"No. No... it erm didn't mean anything"

John Paul patted Craig on he's arm and walked back over to the table handing out the drinks to the girls. He sat down and kissed Chloe softly on the cheek, and she continued to speak to Sarah. He turned to look at Craig at the bar, who was now leaning up against it and sadly staring out across the dance floor.

He felt as if the room was spinning beneath him, as if someone had come into his life and like a tornado created a mess and left as quickly as it entered, leaving the mess for him to figure out himself. He couldn't explain any of it, the way he was feeling, the way he felt that night, the way he felt right now.

And as he saw Tom approach Craig and pull him into a hug. He felt something else surge through him. Something that made no sense to him. He felt like he wanted to get up and go back over to Craig and pull him away from the other man, even though he had been told they were only friends, and the fact that he had no reason whatsoever to feel that way towards either of them, to have such a dislike already for Tom, to feel that strongly for Craig.

He felt a hand graze across his cheek and turn to face Chloe who was smiling up at him. He sighed and leaned into kiss her and she reciprocated, again he went through the motions. His mind anywhere but in the kiss.

Craig felt a hand touch his shoulder, and for a brief moment he hoped maybe John Paul had decided to return to stand with Craig, but as he turned he saw the face of his best friend standing back at him, he felt a slight disappointment, which was soon replaced by a feeling of relief that Tom was finally here. He had been carrying around everything that had happened that night with John Paul for the whole week, when he retold it to Hannah, he had left out anything of importance, but he knew with Tom he could tell the whole story. And he pulled him into a hug, one he didn't intend on ending soon. He needed to feel that comfort from his best friend. And as he pulled away he turned to the table where his friends sat to see John Paul and Chloe.

It was like no one else was there, all he could see was the two of them. He's hands through her hair, hers on he's cheek. And the feeling over took him, he wanted to run over there and pull her away and take her place. But he had no right to feel that way, she was a nice girl. And he was just John Paul's friend, that had been , made very clear to him, in the classroom and only a few moments ago.

"_it didn't mean anything"_

The words ran through Craig's head, and he tried desperately to believe them. But he knew there was more to this than what John Paul was saying. He had felt it that first night they met, and he knew it earlier when John Paul had looked at him, like he was the only one in the room. Craig knew that no matter what John Paul said, it did mean something.


	8. The Heart Never Lies

**Thank you so much for the reviews I really appreciate them alot. I love to hear if people are enjoying the story and the direction I am taking it in.**

**Claire xox**

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Craig sighed heavily as he looked down into his drink, he seemed to have lost time as to when Tom had arrived and how long they had been standing at the bar. But he didn't want to have to return to the table and have to sit and watch John Paul with Chloe. He could hear Tom talking to him over the music but everything he was saying wasn't sinking in, the words were being lost in the air, he knew Tom knew that much as he felt him pull him by the arm and move across the club. Craig let himself be pulled through the crowd and through a door to find himself standing in a secluded hallway with Tom standing directly opposite him.

"Craig. What's wrong with you?"

"Its gonna sound ridiculous"

"I don't think its ridiculous not when its got you acting like this"

Craig sighed again and looked up at his best friend. "You know that guy I met the other night?"

"The mystery blonde runaway? Yeah I remember him"

"He turned up at my college, acting like he'd never met me before"

"Acting straight?"

"He is straight. He's sitting out there with he's girlfriend right now"

Tom let out a small laugh. "So what you decided to befriend him?"

"Its not like I had much choice, he met Nancy in the halls and then there he was, and now here he is and I..."

"You like him?"

Craig looked down at his feet. Liked him? That was the biggest understatement of the year. He had barely stopped thinking about him since he first laid eyes on him. And now here he was every day, the same classes the same town.

Craig nodded. "Yeah I do. I like him a lot. And I know its stupid alright? I know thats what you're going to say, why would I like someone who is clearly so not interested, but... there's something there Tom.. I can't explain it"

"That's not what I was gonna say actually" Tom moved away from the wall and stood beside Craig "I was gonna say... if he's so "straight" then why did he end up here that night, sitting in a bar drinking with you?"

"He says it was a mistake"

"A mistake?"

"Its more complicated than that, he has family stuff and..."

"Craig, I can't tell you what to do in this situation, but I think maybe the reason you like this guy so much is cos you can see how you were in him, not everyone needs to be rescued"

"I'm not looking to be that okay? I just over the past week... I mean... you know what I'm like with talking about things right? I'm mean even now standing here with you, this is hard cos I don't know how to say what it is I want to... but with him its like, there's no struggle or weirdness it feels like..."

Craig trailed off when he realised Tom had moved away from him again.

"I told you it would sound ridiculous"

"It doesn't sound ridiculous. It actually sounds really sweet. But you're forgetting one important thing. He's sitting out there with he's girlfriend. So even if there is this closeness between the two of you and you can talk to him and vice versa, you need to make sure you remember that... before you end up... you can't change who he is and you don't wanna let yourself fall for someone you can never have. Believe me you wouldn't wanna feel that. I don't want you to have to"

Craig nodded and moved closer to Tom, pulling him in for a hug again. "I've been wanting to talk to you about this all week"

Tom moved away slightly looking into Craig's eyes "You could have called."

"Yeah, but I know you're busy with work, and I wanted to tell you in person"

Tom nodded and smiled softly. "So shall we go and join your friends. You can introduce me to your new friend, whats he's name?"

"John Paul. Oh and Tom, be nice. To him. To Hannah. And to Sarah."

"Be nice to Sarah? Do I have to?"

Craig smiled and nodded "Yes"

"You just wanna ruin all my fun don't you?"

Craig smiled and pulled his arm around Tom's shoulder. Craig wasn't sure what it was about Tom but he seemed to give him more confidence in himself, Tom had always been able to do that, and the one thing Craig felt like he needed right now was some confidence.

He watched as Tom practically announced he's arrival to the table and introduced himself to John Paul and Chloe. Craig could sense the uncomfortable vibe coming from John Paul as he looked down into he's drink, he could also see that since their talking at the bar, John Paul had consumed a numerous amount of drinks, and was well on the way to being completely hammered, he moved round the table and took a seat next to Hannah, who was now deep in conversation with Chloe, who found herself sat between her and Sarah, hunting for gossip on John Paul. Nancy was busily chatting away to Tom already and John Paul was the only one who seemed like he'd rather be anywhere but here.

Craig watched him as he nervously played with he's bottle, still staring down into it. He desperately wanted to move across the table and talk to him, find out what was wrong, but he remembered Tom's words from earlier. And he could already feel himself starting to fall for the blue eyed boy. Did he really want to put himself through all that pain? Having to talk and be near him, but never be able to be with him?

"So Chloe... how long have you and John Paul been together?" Tom's voice snapped Craig out of his daydream and he looked at his friend, and he knew the words Tom had spoke had been a reminder to Craig.

"Just over a year. But we've been friends for ages before that. Best friends I guess"

"Aww thats adorable" Sarah smiled drunkenly "How did the two of you get together?"

"It just kinda happened really. I mean out friends Crystal and Mark, well they've been in a relationship for ages, and we always used to hang out together, and well yeah we were at a party one night and well you know"

Craig watched as Chloe smiled widely, clearing remembering a memory for her and John Paul getting together. And he couldn't help but feel envious. Envious at any moment she had got to spend with him alone, anytime she had with him.

"So what about you lot? Boyfriends? Girlfriends?" Chloe smiled and looked around the table as a chorus of "Single" was heard.

"We're all still holding out for our dream man" Tom laughed and winked at Craig.

"Oh so your both gay?" Craig smiled as Chloe looked between him and Tom.

"Yes. Although with Craig you'd never know it, he's been celibate since he came out"

The group of people on the table all laughed in agreement "Hey. Some of us Mr Parker aren't all about going out every Saturday sleeping with the first offer that comes along"

"Ouch! That hurt" Tom smiled "But you know I'm just teasing. Although the day you meet someone you actually like will be a miracle"

"You didn't tell him Craig?" Hannah grinned widely "About mystery man!"

"WHAT?" Nancy stood up from her seat "Craig Dean! Have you been holding out on us?"

Craig suddenly felt completely panicked as he looked towards Tom and then over to John Paul who was still staring down into he's beer. To be honest he had completely forgot telling Hannah of his meeting with John Paul, he could only be thankful that he never told her the guys name.

"Han... seriously that was nothing, not even worth mentioning"

"Oh come on? What was it you said "undeniable connection?""

He looked around the table to see all eyes on him expectantly waiting for some kind of response, but he really didn't have one. He couldn't sit there and talk about John Paul, when moments before he had told him that what happened meant nothing.

He tried to wrack his brain and he glanced over to Tom for some kind of support.

"Oh my god would you look at that" Craig laughed as Tom hit over he's drink and spilled it all across the table. "Come on Nancy. Lets get another. You two Sarah. You can tell me another modelling story, I;m sure that will just be _fascinating_" Tom glanced in Craig's direction and rolled he's eyes before mouthing "you owe me" and then dragged the two girls off to the bar.

Craig turned back to Hannah who was now talking with Chloe again.

"You see thats lovely" Hannah sighed "You and John Paul being for all that time and then realising that your meant to be together"

"Forced together more like" John Paul scoffed and took a swig of he's drink and glanced across the table to Chloe, whose smiled had faded.

"But I suppose your version of the story is nicer Clo, so you carry on..."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You figure it out."

"I'm trying to John but I don't understand exactly what it is your getting at."

"What it is I'm getting at? I am getting at this perfect little image you have of the two of us getting together"

"I was just telling your friends how we got together..."

John Paul laughed and turned to look at Craig and Hannah. Craig could see a bitterness in John Paul's eyes that he had seen lingering behind the surface since he met him, but suddenly it now all seemed on the surface. "You guys want me to tell you the real story of how me and Chloe got together? Well let me see. Mark was my best friend... I say was because I've got to say probably the most boring person I've ever met, second to he's girlfriend that is and we meet this girl at school and she befriends us, anyways all I hear from Mark is Chloe really likes you, why don't you ask her out?... "

"John Paul stop it" Craig turned to look at Chloe who was now biting on her bottom lip. Tears almost falling from her eyes.

"I had that for ages... and the Crystal starts as well, so I figured the only thing thats gonna shut them both up... is if I just ask her out... romantic isn't it Hannah?"

John Paul took another swig of he's drink before turning back to Chloe, who was now crying. And Craig felt compelled to say something, but he didn't know what. He almost felt like grabbing Hannah's hand and running away from what clearly was a private issue. But as Craig turned back to look at John Paul, he could see the regret filling he's eyes already. John Paul was realising how out of line he had been and was up out of he's chair moving across to Chloe. Stumbling drunkenly around the chairs to reach her.

"Chloe... I'm sorry... "

"Just save it John Paul. I've heard it all before"

Craig watched as Chloe jumped out of her chair and headed towards the door, immediately followed by Hannah who looked at John Paul in disgust before she left. John Paul slumped down into the chair next to Craig.

Craig felt like yelling at John Paul for doing that to Chloe. He didn't even understand where any of that had come from, all he could put it down to was the fact that John Paul was drunk. But he knew it was coming from somewhere else. He knew John Paul was taking whatever it was he was feeling out on Chloe and it was out of order.

"... wow Sarah... I do love it when you go on and on about modelling..." Tom looked around the table "Where'd everyone go?"

Craig turned towards John Paul who was now getting up from he's seat trying to pull he's jacket on.

"Erm Tom Hannah's not feeling to good. So me her and Chloe and John Paul are gonna head home okay?"

John Paul was already half way towards the door before Craig could explain anything else to Tom. Craig pulled his jacket on and followed John Paul out of the bar and watched as John Paul looked up and down the road.

A feeling of familiarity came over Craig as he realised he was stood in the exact same place as when John Paul had walked away from him that first night they met. He looked up at John Paul, and saw that he had realised it too, and again he found himself locked in a moment with him, as of the rest of the world was rushing by at 100mph and it was just the two of them.


	9. Hear You Me

**Thank you SOO much for the reviews. I really _really _love hearing any feedback. This is pretty much a whole chapter dedicated to JPC woo! hee. Hope you enjoy**

**Claire xoxox**

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Craig could hear the music pouring out of the bars and clubs he passed as he ran after John Paul down the busy street, desperately trying to avoid knocking into anyone and keeping an eye on John Paul. After John Paul and he had made it outside John Paul had decided to set off in search of Chloe to mumbling something about he had to apologise and had immediately started walking away frantically in the first direction that suited him clearly unaware where he was going.

Craig found himself in a similar situation to the one he was in the first time they met. Half of him screaming to run down the street after him the other half just telling him to walk away. The latter had one out that first night, but Craig new as he saw the drunken state John Paul was in as he walked away, that his decision this night would be the complete opposite. For some reason he felt like he had to look out for him, even since they first met he had felt that way, that John Paul needed someone maybe John Paul didn't want Craig to be that person, but all Craig could think about was taking care of his new friend.

So now he found himself still chasing after John Paul, turning down streets rushing through the busy streets unsure of where they were heading. It certainly wasn't the way back home and it was obvious John Paul had no idea where he was going. Craig turned a corner as he saw John Paul just had and he found himself met with no one, it was just an empty dark pathway, leading up to another club further down. He sighed and turned around looking back to the busy street he just left. He felt for sure he saw John Paul turn down here.

"Why are you following me?"

Craig turned to his left to see John Paul crouched down sitting on the floor looking up at him.

"Because your drunk and wandering off around here alone is not a good idea"

John Paul stood up and moved closer to Craig. "Why do you care so much? You don't even know me. And after what I did in there why would you want to?"

"We all say things we don't mean, and your drunk you weren't thinking..."

John Paul laughed and leaned against the wall, Craig watched him as he looked out back onto the street.

"Its not the first time I've said something like that to her you know? I've done it before."

Craig sighed and watched as he saw a pain show across John Paul's face, one filled with deep regret clearly remembering things from the past that he had said. "Why? Why say it?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I mean.. its not even true. That's not how I feel about the two of us getting together. She's right it was great back then we were all so happy and now..."

"And now what?"

"The night before I left. I was going to say to Chloe that we should finish what we have you know being far away these things they don't work out. But she takes me out and we go to my friends and there's this big party cos she said she wanted it to be special, she wanted me to have a good night before I left. And even then I still thought I can't do this I can't be with her. But it got to the end of the night we went back to mine... and I couldn't do it. I panicked. I didn't want it to be over I wanted to hold onto what we have"

"So why say things like that to her? If you still want to be with her?"

"Sometimes I feel so trapped by everything. I didn't realise how much I did till I left there. I mean I was aware of it, it was always there, but then I got here and I felt like I was free of this weight that had been on my shoulders. I could be anyone. I didn't have to be the person they had all come to know. But then Chloe turned up and I realised it doesn't matter where you are... you just are who you are. That's who I'm meant to be. Safe. Boring. Quiet and does what his told John Paul. And I can't break out of that"

"John Paul. You're right about one thing. You are who you are. No one can make you be a certain way or feel a a certain way. All those things they come from you and if you don't wanna be that person. Its simple. Then don't."

"Simple?" John Paul shook he's head and moved away from Craig's side and stood against the wall opposite.

"Yeah it is. And I know you can't see it now. But it is. You know I used to feel that way, sometimes I still do, like people just see you a certain way and it doesn't matter what you do to change they'll always see you as that. But I realised I could spend the rest of my life, lying to myself and my family but I'd never be happy. And I didn't want that."

"Yeah well our situations aren't the same"

Craig sighed and looked out onto the street again. Even as John Paul spoke so much started to make sense to Craig. Mostly because he saw how scared he was, he remembered being that scared. Living in that fear. But it didn't matter if Craig stood there telling John Paul that it was the same. That it was exactly the same, it was something only John Paul could admit himself.

"Come on lets get you home"

"I can't go home like this... " John Paul ran he's fingers through his hair.

"You can... you can stay at mine... it'll be fine."

Craig moved away from the wall and started to make his way back onto the busy street.

"Craig..." Craig turned to see John Paul standing directly behind him. "Thank you" Craig nodded as John Paul stumbled past him and out onto the street.

Craig lay in his bed, wide awake staring up at the ceiling. His eyes finally adjusting to the dark. He could see the light from his window casting shadows on the opposite wall and the noise of John Paul breathing in and out as he lay on floor filled the room with noise, a noise that seemed to keep Craig from falling asleep.

Craig turned his head to look at the clock on his bedside cabinet. _3am_. He didn't know how long he had been laying here like this. When he and John Paul had entered the flat, neither of them had said anything. Craig had shown John Paul to his room given him a pillow and a sheet and then he had laid down on his own bed. An awkwardness seemed to have filled the room. Neither of them knowing what to say. So Craig just said nothing. He wanted to turn on his side and look down at the sleeping boy on his floor, but everything from the past evening kept replaying over in his mind. Tom's conversation, John Paul and Chloe's fight. Chloe. John Paul's girlfriend. He kept emphasising the last part over and over again. Telling himself that falling for John Paul would only lead to himself getting hurt. And yet a part of him already knew it was too late. And he couldn't figure it out, but there was something in the way John Paul looked at him when he spoke, he could swear it was the same look he knew he gave John Paul. But Craig wondered if it was just him willing it to be true, that the look he saw was nothing more than one a friend gave another friend, and it was his mind, his wishes making it seem something more.

He was torturing himself with this. And part of him wanted to laugh at the situation. The first person he showed any real interest in was completely out of reach. The one other person he had liked had been Tom when they first met. But it was just a crush. A passing feeling that lasted only a few weeks. It was more of an admiration. Tom was confident and proud of who he was, and Craig wanted to be like that, he looked up to Tom for having those characteristics. Then the feelings changed to that of a genuine caring for his friend, thankful that Tom had entered his life. That he had someone who could at least part understand how he felt.

But _this. _This was different. And Craig knew it, he knew it the first time he saw John Paul. And the feelings since that night had not faded. They had only grown stronger with the arrival of John Paul in his life. And now Craig new he was too far gone to turn back now, he had to see this through. Even though he knew nothing would ever come of his feelings, he couldn't help them and he couldn't stop them.

"Craig... " Craig was snapped out of his daydream as he heard his name being spoken so softly and he thought he could live of hearing John Paul say his name like that forever. "Are you awake?"

"No. Fast asleep." Craig heard John Paul let out a small laugh, and again Craig felt like sitting up and looking down at that face, watching John Paul's mouth as it curved into a smile, a smile Craig had provoked.

"I'm sorry... " Craig didn't speak he didn't ask what for he let John Paul speak, listening to sound so carefully. "You must think I'm a horrible person. After what I did to Chloe tonight... "

"I don't think that John Paul. You were drunk. And we all say things we don't mean. I know I have"

Craig heard John Paul sigh heavily "Its not a good enough excuse though is it? Being drunk." Craig heard a shuffling from the floor as he heard John Paul move "I don't think I can fix this Craig."

Craig didn't move he lay exactly in the same spot as before, almost frozen to where he was. How could he give John Paul advice on this? How could he tell him to go to her and apologise for everything he said. He didn't want him to, he wanted him to stay here and talk to him, stay and be with him.

"All you can do is explain how you feel. Try and tell her whats going on with you"

"That's the thing I don't think I can" Craig heard John Paul sigh again. "Why is it so easy with you? I mean we barely know each other but... I feel like... "

Craig took a sharp intake of breathe as he waited for John Paul to finish what he was saying, desperately wanting him to carry on.

"I don't know... its just... different."

Craig understood. He knew exactly what John Paul meant because he felt it to. He felt the exact same way, even since that first night they had met and spoke he found himself wanting to talk to him about things he couldn't with anyone else, and he didn't know why and he didn't care to know because it just felt right.

"I get it"

Craig heard John Paul move again. "You do?"

Craig sighed and sat up slowly, resting his hands in his lap and turning to look down at where John Paul lay. Except he wasn't he was looking directly up at Craig, that look that Craig thought he had imagined the one he thought he had just wanted to see, even through the darkness of the room he could see the brightness of those blue eyes looking deep into his own. Craig nodded slightly. He knew he should look away, lay back down close his eyes leave it at that and try and sleep but he couldn't.

The tapping on Craig's door bought him crashing back to reality as he rushed off his bed to the door.

"Craig... "

"Yeah Mum... "

"I heard voices... "

"Its just me, I just got back... "

"Oh okay"

Craig was sure he could feel his Mum leaning slightly against the door. Wanting to say more. "Night love"

"Night Mum"

Craig breathed in and out deeply trying to catch his breathe as he listened to his Mum walk away, after he had heard her bedroom door open and close he leant his head against the door, trying to calm his breathing.

He moved away slowly and turned to be met by John Paul standing closely in front of him. Only inches apart and again Craig took a sharp intake of breathe at the close proximity of the two of them.

"Is it okay that I'm here?"

Craig nodded "Yeah. Its just... she... I mean she's not you know happy with me being gay and she has these rules and... well if she knew you were here..."

"Sorry. I don't wanna get you into trouble. I should just go"

There voices were low and in whispers now, and the sound of John Paul's voice was echoing through Craig and without even thinking Craig had grabbed hold of John Paul's arm before he had the chance to turn.

"No. I don't want... I mean its fine. Really. You're here now."

John Paul's eyes were no longer looking into Craig's but looking down at the hand that was rested on he's arm and Craig quickly snapped it away and ran it through his hair and then rubbed the back of his neck, looking around the room awkwardly.

"We should get some sleep... " Craig began to move past John Paul, but he felt two hands grip his shoulders fixing him to where he stood and he met John Paul's eyes that seemed to be glistening with tears and full of fear. Craig felt John Paul's hands move down his arms as he stepped closer to Craig.

Craig felt as if time was slowing down around him all he could focus on was John Paul's eyes as the moved closer and closer towards him before he felt he's lips on his own. Awkward and unsure, pressing hard against his own. And then he realised he wasn't moving still standing with his eyes open, arms at his side. Then it sunk in. John Paul was kissing him. _Kissing _him. And he felt alive. As he closed his eyes and opened his mouth slightly welcoming the kiss from John Paul, reciprocating it, his tongue dipping slightly into John Paul's mouth. John Paul's hands still gripping tightly onto his arms.

Craig moved his own hands up to rest on the small of John Paul's back to push the two of them closer together slightly... and then John Paul was gone. Staggering backwards across the room, time speeding up again and Craig watched him frantically pull his jacket of the chair buy Craig's desk and move quickly towards Craig's door.

Craig tried desperately to take hold of John Paul's arm as he moved by him saying he's name, begging him to stay, but his arm was brushed away followed by incoherent feeble mutterings from John Paul as he ran out of the flat.

Craig didn't move from the spot, almost as if he did it would break away from what had just happened. He wanted it to last longer, to still have the memory of John Paul being so close to him. If he closed his eyes he could still see John Paul standing in front of him. Leaning in closer to him. Kissing him. _Wanting _him.

Craig opened his eyes to find the room empty, he was alone. But the feeling rushing through him. That feeling of being so alive was making his whole body ache for John Paul. To have him back in the room. To kiss him again. He moved away from where he stood and lay down on his bed again. Staring up at the ceiling, he knew there was no way he'd fall asleep tonight. And he resigned himself to the fact as he lay there replaying the moment over again in his head.


	10. Falling Further Still

John Paul lay still on his bed. He didn't know how long he had been here. How long he had been laying in dark and deathly silence. His room was starting to fill with light, he knew that it was day. And that he wanted nothing more for everything to stop. For the day not to begin. To lay like this. Not having to face up to the reality of what was behind his bedroom door.

Panic and fear had caused him to run from Craig's house. An all consuming feeling had over taken him and caused him to run as fast as he could and away from what he had done. But a similar feeling had driven him to lean in close to Craig, to pull Craig's body close to his, to kiss him. And now as he lay in the quiet he desperately tried to reason with the questions in his mind.

Why had he done it? Why would he want to? He kept telling himself repeatedly that he hadn't wanted to that it was just a mistake. A drunken mistake. He was upset about what he had done to Chloe.

_Chloe. _Suddenly everything he had said to her the night before came rushing back into his mind. Why had he said that? Why did he always act that way towards her? Sometimes he hated the way she talked about the two of them, and something inside of him would just snap and he could hear the words falling out of his mouth, as if someone else had taken over him and was making him act that way. And he hated it, he knew if he could see himself through someone else's eyes, saying those things acting that way, he would be disgusted.

In fact he_ was_ disgusted. He was disgusted with what he had said, what he had done, with himself.

A panic began to take over him as he sat up quickly from the bed. What would he do if this time Chloe didn't forgive him? If all the apologising and justifying didn't work?

What if Craig had thought that what happened last night meant something more? What if he had told someone about what had happened?

He jumped up off his bed and began to pace across his room. He had only been here for just over two weeks and already he felt as if his life was spiraling out of control. He had wanted to change. To be somebody different. But not like this. Not why trampling over the feelings of over people to get there.

He stopped pacing as he caught his reflection in the mirror and he stood looking at himself closely, wondering when his reflection became someone he no longer recognised. He can still remember a time when he had felt comfortable in his own skin, happy with who he was, happy with his life.

So why did he always feel so angry? At everyone. At the world. Like he deserved some kind of answer to why he was acting the way he was. He looked at himself in the mirror again, desperately trying to see even a flicker of his former self looking back at him, but he saw nothing but what was now a bitter and resentful person, looking for answers anywhere but where he knew the real answers lay.

He leaned forward holding his hands either side of the mirror and breathed deeply in and out, he hadn't heard his door open. He hadn't heard Chloe quietly walk into the room and sit down on the end of John Paul's bed.

He turned away from the mirror and saw her sitting perched on the edge of the bed. Her hands gripping on fiercely to the bag she had taken with her the night before, the same outfit, her hair which had been pulled up off her face was now down falling messily over her shoulders and John Paul felt even worse than he did before as he looked at the broken person in front of him. Every look of pain that lingered in her eye, he knew he had caused it. The tear stained face had been tears that he had made fall, and in that moment he wanted to take it all back, change everything he had done last night.

"I have somethings I want to say" John Paul heard the words fall softly out of her mouth and he didn't respond. What could he say? She didn't want him to speak. He needed to let her speak. Hear every bad thing she had to say, every harsh piece of reality she would throw at him. Because he deserved it.

"And I really need you just to listen to me, for once just do that for me" John Paul stayed fixed to where he had been standing, he nodded, even though once she never looked up at him, her eyes still facing down looking at her fingers playing with a piece of fabric on her bag.

"I remember the first time I met you. You were this happy person who everyone liked and everyone looked up to. Everyone would always say how great you were and that you were this fantastic person. And they were right about a certain amount of it. But its like you had them all fooled or something, because I saw all those things I did. But I also saw this lonely scared boy who just needed someone to understand him, talk to him. About something real not just about whatever excuse of a problem they had in their lives. And for a while I thought maybe I could be that person, you seemed slightly different with me. I dunno like you trusted me. But like I say it felt like that for a while."

John Paul stepped closer to the bed, and Chloe finally looked up at him. Her bright eyes now seemed so faded, faded by last night, by everything. They stopped John Paul in his tracks they stopped him moving any closer.

"And then something changed. You became the same with me as you were with everyone else. A fake laugh and smile. Pretending you were happy. You had them all completely convinced and after a while I found myself even just going along with it, I wanted to believe that you were happy. I wanted it to be like it was when I first met you, the way you would look at me, the way you would make me feel. But you just made comments. Like last night. I'm starting to lose count as to how many times you've said something like that to me and I've just accepted your apologises and taken you back, and I do, because I love you and there is this huge part of me that is hoping that you will be that person again, that one day you'll surprise me and there you'll be"

"Chloe... "

John Paul watched as a Chloe wiped away a stray tear that had fallen down her cheek and she sighed.

"But I can't do this anymore"

John Paul felt his body take control and he moved over to her, kneeling down in front of her, taking her hands in his.

"Please Chloe... last night I was such a bastard. God you're right about everything, I was a better person back then, I was happier. I can't explain it I don't know why I say those things I don't, I wanna be that person for you... but I need you I can't do this without you... "

"Why are you so desperately holding onto us John Paul? Look at last night. Why wouldn't you tell me that you had plans with you're new friends? Why wouldn't you want me to meet them? Why hadn't you even told them anything about me?... "

"I don't know... "

"And that's the same answer I always get John Paul and I'm sick of it. I deserve an explanation. Do you have any idea how I felt last night in front of everyone like that? You made me look like a fool... the way Hannah was looking at me like... I don't want to be someone people pity... "

"Chloe _please. _I know we've been here before, but you have to believe me I am so sorry. I just I wanted to try and come here and start over you know? Be that person you're talking about, that happier person. And I don't know, you talking about my life back there I guess I just snapped, it reminded me of what I was like and I hated that, I hated that just a few words could drag me back into that, I don't wanna be like that, but please I can't do this without you... "

John Paul moved his hands up Chloe's arms, holding her face in his hands, he wiped away more tears that had fallen and moved up slightly his face now directly opposite her, leaning in placing light kisses on her face, across her cheeks, her nose, lightly over her lips.

"Please... " He could here the pleading in his voice as he desperately held onto her, he couldn't let her go. He _needed_ her. He _wanted _her. He had to keep telling himself this over and over again. She could make him a better person. The person he should be.

He could feel her resisting to the kisses trying to pull away slightly, but John Paul couldn't let her think too long, if she did she would pull away and want this to be over, and it couldn't be. He kissed her lips again, this time with more hunger, needing to show her he wanted her to stay, convincing himself this was what he wanted.

He felt her give into the kisses and the bag she had been clutching onto fell to the floor, her hands now moving onto his back, pulling him into her as she fell back onto the bed. He moved away for a moment to look down at her, her eyes wide, looking up at him with so much love. And as he leaned into kiss her again, he felt a pang of guilt surge through him.

"_Why are you so desperately holding onto us John Paul?"_

He needed this. He needed Chloe. That's why. And as he felt her hands move under his shirt her fingers tracing along his back, the image of him standing in Craig's room in front of Craig gripping onto his shoulders, pulling Craig in roughly and kissing him. Remembering everything so vividly, the intensity in the room even before the kiss, the feeling of Craig touching his arm, the sensation as Craig had reciprocated the kiss. And now as he held onto Chloe kissing her, her kissing him back. He realised that moment with Craig had given him a feeling that nothing. _Nothing. _Would ever be able to compare to.

The feel of Craig's body against his, the smell of him, the taste of him. He tried to focus on Chloe, to tell himself that last night was a drunken mistake, that the alcohol had intensified all feelings making things seem more than what they were. That was what it was. He had just been confused and upset over Chloe, needing to feel a closeness to someone. Anyone.

_This_ is what felt right. Being with Chloe like this. This is what_ had_ to be right.


	11. It Means Nothing

**Thank you very much for the reviews. And to everyone reading the story. Its not an overly long chapter, but felt it was needed for where Craig is at right now. and thank you again really appreciate any feedback and enjoy**

**Claire xoxox**

Craig was running late. His alarm had woken him as it did every weekday morning, ringing out telling to wake to the day that was before him, and usually he would have reached his arm over and hit the clock, followed by jumping out of bed, getting on with his morning routine. But that hadn't happened this morning, he lay there for a while as the ringing continued on, he wasn't asleep, he was wide awake, lying on his bed, staring up at his ceiling. He grew accustomed to the ringing as it resounded through his room, desperately needing something more to snap him from his daze. A loud banging on his door did just that, followed by his half brother yelling through the door.

With that he turned off the alarm but stayed in the same position. Half of him didn't want to leave the spot. He didn't want to get up and go to college and face anyone. Face him. He knew as long as he stayed in this room. That kiss happened. It was real and he could re-live the moment over and over again in his head, keeping every single memory of it as a good one, one to be cherished and kept forever.

He feared what was outside of those doors. He feared, in truth he knew, that the reason of John Paul running had been a reality check as he had stood before Craig looking at him, realising what he had done, realising that it had all been one bug mistake. One that John Paul now regretted and wanted to take back or even perhaps ignore. Craig expected all those things.

So if he just stayed here for a bit longer, in this place, in his room, where it happened. He could keep it. It could still be real, he wouldn't have to pretend that it never happened, or deal with the fact that the person who started the kiss now wanted to take it back, because he didn't want to. Not for anything.

Another knocking on the door had again snapped him from his thoughts, he could her his Mum's voice muttering about what the time was and that he really should be up soon. He turned to look at the time and realised she was right, as he rose from the bed he made his way to the spot where he had stood. If he closed his eyes he could still remember John Paul being that close to him, the smell of him, the feel of his body pressed against his, and the taste of he's lips as they had met his own.

Opening his eyes to look around, he saw he was alone. He sighed heavily and left his room, he avoided going into the kitchen and headed straight for the bathroom, wanting to avoid his Mum, and her pointless questions about Saturday night, which he had yet to endure. He got ready for college with a slowness and unwillingness. For a moment as he stood in his room pulling his red cardigan over his shoulder and fastening the buttons, he hoped that maybe what had happened between him and John Paul on Saturday wasn't something that John Paul would have regretted. Maybe he didn't want to take it back, after all he had kissed Craig, he had initiated the whole thing.

But just as quickly as that thought entered his head, the memory of disgust and fear in John Paul's eyes right before he ran away ran through his mind and pressed into his memories. No, he most certainly would be regretting it. John Paul would right now be going over exactly what he wanted to say to Craig. A thought out speech. Craig couldn't help but wonder what had happened between John Paul and Chloe. He had text Hannah the day before, wondering if she knew anything, but she didn't. As she had called back and started a rant about how horrible John Paul was that night, and how Chloe had told Hannah more stories of the times John Paul had said those things. Just like he had told Craig he did. Even as Hannah repeated some of the things Chloe had said John Paul had said to her, he couldn't feel any anger towards John Paul. Only a great sense of sadness for him.

He clearly wasn't happy and yet seemed to want everyone to believe that he was. And when he got frustrated with the facade, tired of having to put on a front all the time, he would snap, just like he had Saturday night, and other nights before, and all of that anger seemed to be taken out on Chloe.

Craig was desperately trying to cling onto Tom's words, that he could only end up getting hurt, but he couldn't go back now. Not after that kiss, not after everything, talking to John Paul was so easy and comfortable and no matter what happened he didn't want to give that up, he knew maybe he should put some distance, that was the sensible thing to do, but all sense seemed to have left him now, no matter what John Paul said, even if he did take it back, write it off as a mistake. Craig had been there in that moment with him, and he knew it was no mistake, he had felt everything that John Paul had in that moment, the anticipation of it as they had both leant in closer to one another, the intensity as their faces met so closely together, the look John Paul had given him before he kissed him, those things they couldn't be denied. No matter what he said.

Craig leant his head out of his doorway and tried to look down into the kitchen, he could hear someone moving about, but hoped he could quickly make his way out the flat without anyone bothering him, he closed his door quietly and stepped into the hall moving into the living room, his Mum was in the kitchen with her back facing towards him. He remembered a time when he could talk to his Mum. Tell her about what was going on in his life. And now he felt like the two of them were strangers. He had tried, so many times. Starting a conversation with her about Tom, about him. But she brushed it aside, never wanting to talk about it properly. He sighed heavily and realised that it had only bought attention to him as his Mum turned round and smiled softly.

"Made you some toast. Its on the table there."

Craig nodded and moved to the table picking up the toast "I'm gonna eat this on the way okay..."

He watched as she turned slowly back round leaning her hands either side of the sink and breathed out heavily. "No. You can sit down there and eat it. Besides. I want to talk to you."

Craig looked towards the door, desperately wanting to run out of it, to avoid whatever it was she had to say. It was rare she started sentences with "I wanna talk to you" with Craig anymore, and every now and then Craig hoped that one time it would actually be about something real. So he sat down on the chair and leaned his elbow on the table and rested his head against it, waiting for whatever order she had to yell out today.

"Craig. We had an agreement. When you... decided to erm, _change_. That you were to bring no one round here. I know you said Saturday no one was in your room. But I heard talking and I saw a boy leave your room. Now its fine if you want to be that way. But I don't want that in my house. Do we understand each other?"

All Craig could hear was a coldness running through her voice with each word she spoke. Only parts of what she said stuck in his brain. "_When you decided to change" "if you want to be that way". _For along time Craig had hoped that even though she found it hard to accept, she at least understood that this was just who Craig was. But the startling realisation felt like a kick in the stomach. She didn't just not understand, she didn't want to. She had put all of this down to a choice Craig had made, something he had one day woke up and decided to be, almost as if one day he would suddenly be over it and be back to being "normal".

"Craig. Do we understand each other?" She repeated it again this time with a more stern sound in her voice. She hadn't moved, she still stood, looking down in the sink, fingers gripping onto the work surface.

"No. I thought maybe we did. But we really don't do we?" Craig got up from his chair and turned towards the door and he had every intention of just walking out. But something inside of him was telling him to turn round and tell her. Tell her everything that she had made him feel over the past year. As he turned back towards the sink, he wanted her to now be looking back at him, but she wasn't she was still standing with her back to him.

"Do you have any idea how hard this past year has been for me? Finally getting the courage to be able to tell you after hiding it away for so long. I knew it would be hard, and I knew that it would take a while for you to accept this. But what you're doing Mum, its not fair. I don't deserve this. You make me feel like there's something wrong with me, something that you think needs fixing because you can't quite get your head around it. Do you know how it makes me feel that you can't even look at me right now? That for the past year you have hardly looked at me, and when you do, its with this look and it kills me because... you were always the one person I could talk too and now I feel like I don't even know you... "

"Well you're the one that changed Craig not me. So you made you're choice and now you live with it don't you."

Craig put his bag down onto the ground moved round to the sink leaning by the side of Frankie. "You really don't know me at all do you?"

And finally after what had been months and months of her looking at him like he wasn't even there, like he was barely on her radar. She looked directly at him.

"No. I don't"

And she turned back again, picking up a dirty dish and she began washing away. He moved away slowly, picking up his bag and looking back once at his Mum. He had already known all this, deep down he knew it. He had just been waiting, waiting for the moment when she actually said it. And here it was, and he didn't know how to feel. Maybe he should have been sad, angry even. But he just felt completely numb.

"And Craig. I don't want to see that boy here again. Or any anyone like that. You understand?"

Craig didn't even respond, he was already out the door and down the stairs heading out onto the street, desperately trying to escape the confinement.

He didn't know, and he only would have known even if he had stayed to listen. But the sound of Frankie Osbourne breaking down could have been heard that morning, as she leaned over her sink, angry and disappointed, not in her sons behavior, not because of who he was. But because of her own actions and the way she had treated him.


	12. Taking My Time

**Thank you again for the comments and anyone who is reading. Claire xox**

* * *

Craig had hoped the walk from his house to college would have helped ease his anger, but all it seemed to do was multiply it. As he took each step all he could hear was every bad thing Frankie had said resounding, every look she had given him. He had never pushed any of this on her, forced her to accept him for who he is, he just thought over time that she would get there, he had followed all of her rules, not bringing Tom round, every single one she had laid down, all in the hopes that one day she would be okay with it all, all he had ever done was try to make this easier for her.

But when had she once tried to help him? Been there for him through all of this. Isn't that what a parent is supposed to do? Be there for their child unconditionally. He heard the bell ring inside the school as he reached the gate. He sighed heavily, quickening his pace, the anger still not subsiding.

Surely she didn't want him to spend the rest of his life being something his not, living a lie. She may have things that she regretted in her life, but Craig didn't want to be like that, he refused to be like that. He was tired of always having to justify how he felt to her, how he felt to anyone, and yet he seemed to find himself constantly doing it.

He pushed the door open into the school forcefully, causing it to hit the door hardly and slamming shut as he moved into the building. The noise echoed through the empty halls, he stopped suddenly. The thought of having to go to class and having to sit and act like he was concentrating, the thought of Hannah and Sarah talking to him, asking him what was wrong, the only thing that made him want to go was being able to see John Paul, but at the same time it terrified him. He moved off again and headed down the corridor, just as he got to the end he heard a door to his left open, and saw an arm reach out grab hold of his shoulder and pull him into the empty classroom.

He spun round to face who had pulled him in the room and was met with two blue eyes staring back into his. And suddenly he felt like running. He knew exactly what was coming, and he was still pissed off from this morning, and not wanting to hear what he had to say.

"John Paul... I have to get to class..." Craig made for the door again, but John Paul stood in front of him not letting him go.

"Ms Jackson sick, sent us all to library"

"Right then. Lets go." Craig began to walk away but John Paul stopped him again, he couldn't help but feel aggravated. He didn't want to do this, he didn't want to talk about this now.

"Craig... " Craig sighed and threw his bag down on the floor before turning away from John Paul and walking across the classroom. Its clear John Paul wasn't just going to let him walk away from this now, he clearly wanted to make sure that Craig understood exactly what Saturday night was, just another mistake.

"Well come on the John Paul. Let's hear it" Craig turned to face John Paul, he could still feel the anger inside him, he knew that none of it was directed at John Paul. He wasn't angry with him at all, but he was here, and the rejection he was about to get was making things even worse, only deepening the feeling more.

"What?"

"You know the part where you tell me you were drunk. That you didn't mean it. That it was all one big mistake"

John Paul shook he's head "I am sorry Craig. I shouldn't have done it"

"Shouldn't have. But wanted too."

"No."

Craig laughed bitterly and moved away from the desk he had been resting on and picked up his bag roughly before moving over to the door, going to open it, but turning back.

"I don't believe you. Because whether you wanna admit it to yourself John Paul. You kissed me. YOU kissed ME. And you can say it was because you were drunk and upset, but you and I both know it was more than that. And the fact that you know I like you makes you even more of an arse for doing it. But I seem to have that written over my forehead don't I? "Craig Dean – pushover" anyone can walk all over him cos he'll just smile and laugh it off and take it, well I'm fucking sick of it"

In the midst of Craig's rant he had moved away from the door and had began pacing through the room, he finally stopped and looked at John Paul who was now leaning against a desk, looking at Craig quizzically, with a deep concern.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Are you okay?"

"Oh yeah! I'm fucking wonderful John Paul."

Craig huffed and sat down on the nearest chair he could find. He was now even more angrier than before. But no longer at Frankie. At himself for taking it all out on John Paul. He heard the chair next to him move from out under the table, and felt the close proximity of John Paul as he's arm grazed his own.

"I'm sorry"

"That's okay. Do you wanna talk about it?"

"What?"

"Whatever it is thats got you this pissed off. Is it me, what I did Saturday? Because I am really sorry, and you are right. I am an arse... "

"Its not you. I'm not angry with you"

Craig leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. He didn't want to, but he could feel the tears start forming behind his eyes, the sick feeling in his stomach from holding back so many tears for so long. All that time he had spent holding onto the hope of Frankie, that she even still cared, it all seemed to have vanished, just with one small conversation, any faith he had in her was gone. And the lose was unbearable for him, at least before he still had the chance that one day she might come through, but now it was all gone, the way she had looked at him, like she wouldn't have cared if he had walked out the door and not come back.

Craig could feel his body shake as he tried to hold back the tears, he didn't want John Paul to see him like this, like he was weak, someone to be pitied. He breathed in deeply subsiding the tears and calming his breathe slightly and he wiped his face roughly and leaned back in his chair.

"My Mum, she actually sat down and talked to me this morning. Properly. For the first time in nearly a year. I thought maybe, I hoped it would be good. That we'd actually talk, maybe she'd just ask me how I was doing. If I was okay" Craig shook his head "But she just confirmed all my biggest fears"

"What did she say?"

"She saw you leave Saturday night, and I'm not allowed to bring anyone home, men home. She just assumed. And it was more the way she said it all, it was just filled with this disgust..." Craig's voice cracked as he tried to hold the tears back again. He felt John Paul's hand touch his shoulder but he pulled away standing up and moving across the room.

"I really believed that she'd get over it. Maybe I was naive, but its not like I changed and thats what she thinks see, she thinks that I chose this, that if I wanted to I could change back or something. But it doesn't work like that does it?"

John Paul shook he's head. "No. It doesn't"

Craig locked eyes with John Paul's and all Craig could see was an understanding in them that seemed to calm all the anger he had felt before, and there was such a power in it. Something inside his head was screaming at him telling him to look away, but he couldn't. It was the only thing keeping him from breaking down. John Paul had now moved and was standing opposite him, he could swear time had slowed down as he had watch John Paul move from he's chair and walk towards Craig, never breaking eye contact.

"I'm sorry about venting all this on you"

"You don't have to be sorry. I feel like all I've done since I got here is vent to you."

"It's nice to finally have someone to talk to"

John Paul nodded slightly "Yeah it is."

"Look about..."

"I had a whole speech prepared."

"What?"

"I lay in bed last night. This whole speech, what I was gonna say to you. It pretty much included what you said I was gonna say. I was quite impressed with it really"

"Really? Do you wanna say it then?"

"Not really. See I've forgotten it all. Pretty much from the moment I saw you walking down the corridor it all seemed to fall out of my head, and I know right now I should really be saying all those things, thats what my heads saying... but then you're here and its like this" John Paul motioned between the two of them "and everything else just seems to you know fly out the window."

"What happened with Chloe?"

"The same thing that always happens. I apologised and she accepted it"

"And thats what you want is it? Chloe?"

Craig stepped closer towards John Paul and breathed in deeply, the familiarity of Saturday night came back to him, the intensity of being so close to him, the smell of him, the only thing different was there surrounding.

"Yes" John Paul said it almost breathless. Craig wondered if it sounded at all convincing in John Paul's head, because it didn't to Craig, and it became apparent that it hadn't meant to as Craig leaned closer to John Paul, his eyes still linked to he's. Craig held his face close to John Paul's, a quiet confidence seemed to have taken over him, he knew that if John Paul didn't want this, then surely he would have been pushed away again, and John Paul would be running out the door.

What Craig did know was that John Paul had no excuses, no drink or upset to blame it on.

"So what do you want John Paul?"


	13. The Killing Moon

**Thanks everyone for the comments, and once again to anyone who is reading. Really appreciate it. Claire xox**

John Paul could feel Craig moving closer and closer towards him, filling the gap between the two of them, their bodies almost touching. John Paul wanted to look away, but the way Craig held his stare, the way he's eyes looked deeply into his, still glistening with the remains of the tears he had just cried. This was wrong, so wrong. Not the feeling, the feeling of being so close to Craig again was intoxicating, and he didn't want to push him away, he admitted it. He didn't. But this wasn't right. He could still see the sadness in Craig's eyes, a sadness that he had been desperately trying to cover up by ignoring what had been happening.

John Paul felt Craig's hands move from the side of he's body and gently touched either side of John Paul's face, one softly stroking his cheek. John Paul closed his eyes, giving into the feeling. The feeling of Craig touching him, letting himself want it. Giving over to the feeling completely. But as he closed his eyes something inside of him snapped, almost as if breaking the eye contact with Craig had made him realise that this was wrong. And as he heard Craig ask the question again, ask him what he wanted, he used every ounce of will power he had to grab hold of the hands on his face and take them into his own, pulling them away, resting them between their bodies, still held together.

"Not this. I don't want this"

But he did. He _really_ did. But the last thing Craig needed was an added complication. John Paul moved back slightly, letting go of Craig's hand. He had a girlfriend for Christ sakes. A girlfriend he loved. Who loved him. And this wasn't right. John Paul seemed to always do the wrong thing. And Craig was one of the good things to have happened in his life. He cared about him, in the short space of time they had known each other, he knew he had found a friend in Craig. He didn't want to mess it up like he did everything else that he touched. He didn't want to be another reason Craig was upset. No matter how much he might have wanted to move back towards Craig and give into to everything up until that point he had been afraid to admit. He couldn't.

"This isn't right Craig. You're upset and I... I'm not... and I'm not doing this"

John Paul had to look away. The intensity in Craig's stare was breaking him down, the pain he had clearly caused by his rejection was evident as the tears that had subsided started to fall once more.

"So you don't want this? You don't want me?"

Yes. God _yes. _But he couldn't. And he wouldn't. There was too much at risk. And this wasn't him. He didn't want to feel like this for Craig. He needed to keep telling himself over and over again that Craig is a friend. Nothing more, the closeness they shared is what was intensifying everything, making it seem like it meant more. What had happened had been a mistake, a drunken mistake. And this now it was just comfort between two friends. Yes thats exactly what it was. He didn't want anything more. No he didn't want him.

"No. You're my friend. And I wish there was something I could do, to make things better for you. I don't like seeing you like this..."

"Stop... lets just stop pretending that you care"

John Paul moved forwards again "I do care... its just... I'm sorry I don't feel the same as you do..."

"Why are you lying? I know you can feel the same thing I can between us. I _know _you can. There's something here John Paul. What are you so afraid of?"

"You're right, there is something here. But not what you want there to be. Craig... I've never been able to talk to anyone like I can you, and that means something. I can't explain why I can, but I don't need to be able to. I want us to be friends. I need us to be."

"Friends? You don't _kiss _friends like we did Saturday night John Paul? You don't stand with them like we are now, looking at them the way you just looked at me..."

"I'm sorry Craig."

Craig moved closer to John Paul again "Don't be sorry. Just tell me what it is that you really want?"

John Paul breathed in deeply. And finally found the courage to look back at Craig. He's eyes were wide and staring back at his with a wanting and need that made John Paul want to give into everything he had just told himself he wouldn't. But he knew he couldn't. He could never be the person Craig needed him to be, because that wasn't him. He had to believe it. He had to be the person he had always been. That made sense to him. Chloe made sense. This. This confused him and scared him, and made him want to run and hide, and the only way he could keep on doing that was to just keep believing everything that made sense to him. To cling onto those things, and ignore anything else.

"I told you. I want us to be friends."

John Paul watched as Craig moved backwards. Picking up he's bag as he did. Craig bit he's bottom lip and looked back at John Paul. John Paul felt completely at a struggle with himself, he kept telling Craig he wanted to be he's friend, so why was he doing this to him? It was him making Craig have that look in he's eye. A look that killed him. A look that he never wanted Craig to look at him with ever again. But it was too late. Again John Paul had done the wrong thing, again he was realising it all too late. As he heard the door of the classroom slam shut he finally moved away from the table almost as if it bought him back from his thoughts, it was too late now to go after Craig, it was too late to take any of it back. It was too late.

&&

Craig kept on walking, down the corridor and out the school, his feet guiding him somewhere, anywhere away from here. The anger that he felt from earlier had now subsided and was replaced with a feeling of sadness and embarrassment. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid to believe that maybe John Paul would actually admit some kind of feelings towards him. Maybe he kept pushing things too far, but he could see in John Paul's eyes that he wanted the same thing, he knew it, but every time he got close, it was like all John Paul could do was push him away.

And as he quickened his pace, the anger seemed to resurface, not at Frankie this time. But at John Paul. Why if he wanted to be Craig's friend would he treat him like this. Maybe this was just who John Paul was. After all he had witnessed what he had done to Chloe on Saturday night, he even admitted to it not being the first time he had done something like that, and he claimed to _love _her. Care about her. It seemed this is just something John Paul did to people he supposedly cared about.

Tom had been right. Craig shouldn't be letting himself get in this deep. Not with someone like John Paul, but he couldn't let it go. And that only made him angry with himself. His common sense was failing him, the right thing to do was walk away. To stop all of it, the friendship, everything. But nothing at all was worse, not talking to him was so much worse.

Craig finally looked up as he reached his destination, he knew he would have ended up here. It was the only place that had been in his mind as he had started walking. He looked up at the tall building. And moved towards the doors, looking for the buzzer for the right flat. No response. He rang it again, leaning his head against the door, hoping that he was there. He heard the inside door open and breathed out as he saw his best friend standing in front of him. He moved away from the door as Tom opened it.

"Craig... what you doing here? Shouldn't you be at college?"

Craig opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, he just shook his head and fell into his best friends arms. "Hey. What's wrong? What is it?"

Tom moved away from Craig and looked down at him, Craig still couldn't find the words to explain everything that had happened this morning. He just followed Tom as he was pulled into the building and up the stairs and into Tom's flat. He watched Tom move through the hall and into the lounge. Craig sat down on the sofa, as Tom went through the kitchen and started making a drink. Neither of them spoke, Craig just watched him moving quickly around, before bringing the drinks over and sitting beside him.

"Is it your Mum?"

Craig nodded and leaned back on the sofa, and turned his face to look at Tom.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Craig sighed "I don't know what to do. I've just pretended all this time that it doesn't bother me. That I didn't need her approval, her acceptance. But it's like I've been holding myself back, because honestly, its the one thing I need that I really wanted. I wanted her to tell me that she loves me and it doesn't matter, she'll love me no matter what. But she made it pretty clear this morning thats not how she feels." Craig leaned forward again resting his head in his hands. "You should have seen the way she looked at me Tom"

"Craig... I'm so sorry. I know you wanted her to accept this, but sometimes people get scare of things they don't understand and instead of trying they just do what she's doing..."

"She could talk to me though.. at least try. I can't stay there with things like this. I don't wanna live there, with all her rules and conditions, I can't live like that..."

"You know you can stay here. There's plenty of room. And Michael and Jasmine won't mind..."

"Are you sure? I don't wanna impose on you I know you..."

Tom moved closer to Craig "Of course I'm sure. Craig you're my best friend. That's what friends do"

Craig leaned into Tom again pulling him for a hug. "Thank you. I feel like you're always rescuing me" Craig pulled away and smiled slightly.

"Well seems like someone has to eh? You should really get back to college, you don't want a repeat of last year"

Craig shook his head " I can't go back there today. I already went in and I just made a complete idiot of myself with John Paul"

"Why? What happened?"

What happened? John Paul McQueen came crashing into my life thats what happened. Craig didn't know where to start. What could he say to Tom? That he had been right, the only thing this could lead to was Craig getting hurt? But when the feelings are that strong how can you stop them? You can't just deny them and hope they go away. Craig couldn't tell Tom about the kiss, about everything that had happened this morning, he already felt like an idiot enough as it is.

"Its just, you know I think he knows how I feel about him, and... he was just reiterating exactly where we stand"

"Good morning for you then huh?" Tom smiled

"Oh yeah the best."

"Look Craig, you know what I think about that and just be careful, I don't want you to get hurt"

It was too late for that. He already was. But he knew he could make sure he prevented anymore hurt. He had been too quick to let down his defences with John Paul, too quick to let him in, and it just wasn't something he did, every time he was near John Paul, he felt vulnerable like he could see right into him, and Craig realised now he had to stop allowing himself to get like that, he had spent most of his life putting up defences against everyone, and John Paul had some how managed to slip through. Well not anymore. It just meant working extra hard to keep those defences up. To not let him in.

He could treat John Paul as just a friend, as any other friend he had. Just the same as Nancy or Hannah. It was time to let it go. To stop looking at the kiss as the start of something, and see it as John Paul saw it, a mistake.


	14. History

Thomas Parker had been told countless times in his life, that life is never what you want it to be, that most of the time people settle for whatever it is they have, never taking risks or chances, just sticking with what they know. He remembers the first time he was told those words, as he sat in his childhood home at the age of 11, his step father leaning drunkenly back in his chair, spilling out his experience on life and what it was to hold for him. It was then the boy of 11 saw for the first time what kind of man he was living with, and how every action that the man took after that moment only confirmed him as what he was – a bitter, selfish man.

It was a week before he had sat in the same room with the same man, only a room full of other people were there as well, looking down at him with a look of deep sympathy and concern. It was a look Tom would become familiar with as he got older, one he would learn to hate. He remembers as all the faces turned to him and smiled, out of pity, leaning forward, asking him if he was okay, feeling like he was on display. He had looked over to the man, his "supposed" father, looking for even a small amount of support, but all he saw was a look of disgust from him as he drank from he's bottle of beer again.

He never got any sympathy or support from him before then, but he thought perhaps that day, the day his mother had been buried he would have shown that he cared a little. But another thing Tom would come to learn was that he didn't care at all.

All he can remember about that day, was cups of tea, people fussing over him and an overwhelming feeling that nothing was ever going to be the same ever again. As he sat at the top of the stairs that night listening to the voices pouring out the living room. He could hear his name being mentioned, and his Nan, saying it would be best if he went with her. But the man had been final, and said he was staying here with him. For just that night Tom believed that he was wanted. That he actually wanted to have Tom around. But again like so many things Tom would come to learn about the man, it didn't mean that at all.

He dreamt of his Mum that night, she came to him and sat on his bed beside him, smiling and bright, talking about nothing in particular, just a normal night. She visited his dreams a lot. He had always wondered why she had stayed with the man, why she had stuck with someone who seemed to hurt her in so many ways. A lot of things Tom blocked out, but somethings he remembered. Coming home from school to find her pinned against the door leading into the living room, sitting at the kitchen table sobbing loudly, immediately changing as she knew of his presence. Thats why he liked to remember the dreams more than anything. Because she had been happy in those, the door was shut and locked and it was just the two of them closed off from anything on the outside.

He would wake up crying, the door being flung open and being told to go back to sleep, that it was only dream. He often asked about the accident, why she had been taken. Why was it they walked away and she hadn't. But he never got a reply, no answer. At the time he was angry with the response, but as he grew older he knew that it was only because he had no idea, there was no reason.

The sadness he felt after his Mum's death turned to one of relief for her, that she had escaped the prison that she found herself living in, that she was away from the person that could hurt her so much. But the relief soon turned to anger, as the man found a replacement for his aggression in Tom. He soon felt angry at the memory of his Mum that she had left him behind to deal with this, live with this, he soon began praying asking why he hadn't been taken with her.

By the time Tom reached 16, he had turned into a lonely angry boy. He stayed silent and never questioned what he was told, he knew that only questioning it would get a response that ended with him with more bruises, more scars. He came home from school one day, he found the man staring blankly at the TV, beer in hand, as he always was. He began the routine that the two of them had grown accustomed too, that Tom knew better than to break. He made dinner, sat it down in front of the man and sat in the chair next to him, they ate in silence as the always did, losing themselves in whatever TV show was on.

Then as if on cue the speech would start, beginning with the attacking of Tom's character, the statements of how he was just like his Mother, destined for nothing, no better than nothing. And as he drank and drank more so the speech began – the one he had heard every night for the last five years, the one that had always stuck with him. But he saw something else in the story than from the first time he heard it, no doubt the effect the man had wanted the story to be was one of realisation, that it was all Tom was destined for, but it had the opposite on Tom. It only made him see that he did want to be more than that, and that night as he looked around the room, the darkness filling it, the old carpet and worn curtains, books on the shelves left to dust unread, he finally realised that he would be.

And of the people he had to thank, it was the bitter man, the one who had told him he would be nothing, had help make him realise that actually, he would be something. And that no matter what the man did to him, no matter how many times he kicked him, or said words to hurt him, he would find a way to be better than that, to not end up like him.

When he reached 18 he had left that house, he woke up on the morning of his 18th birthday and left, no word of goodbye, nothing. There was nothing there for him to miss, only the memories of a happier time, and those, those were things the man couldn't take away, they were locked to his memory, where only he could get to them.

He ended up on a train, going to his Nan. Doing what he had wanted to do so many times, but a strange sense of obligation hadn't allowed him until now. He had no plans, barely any possessions, just the few clothes and things he had in his bag, and he turned up at the house and was welcomed as he knew he would be. The start of a life he had wanted for so long.

From that moment anyone that entered Tom's life knew nothing of his past with the man. He stuck to the story that he had always lived with his Nan, after his Mum had died. Mostly he told the lie, because that part of his life was over with. Even at the age of 19 when he began working at Living Proof, helping running the charity with a friend, a charity that was created by people with similar stories to Tom helping people in that situation now, still then he never told his story. Maybe he wasn't ready, maybe a part of him didn't want to, or maybe he just hadn't found the person he wanted to tell that story of his life too.

But all that changed.

At 20 years old. Finally at a time in his life when he could say he was truly happy, he met someone who for him changed his life irreversibly. He was walking aimlessly through the local village, enjoying the hot weather, drifting off into daydreams, supposedly meant to have been handing out leaflets, that was the first time he saw Craig Dean.

Maybe it was something in the way he sat, looking so lost. Maybe it was because he saw something in the way Craig looked that he could recognise in himself, but something inside of him was screaming to approach the boy. And he did.

But what he found was so much more than he had ever imagined he would find. After years of not wanting to tell the story of his past, he found himself daring to be brave enough to open up to Craig, the only person, other than him and the man, who knew the truth about the darkness of Tom's past, the truth behind all the cover stories he had created. And still now he couldn't explain it, why he had been the one person that he had been able to talk to, why since that moment he had been the person Tom could go to with anything and vice versa.

He now sat quietly in his flat, staring down into the mug of cold tea, that his daydream had let go cold. And he thought about the date. A year. It was a year. Exactly a year to this day Craig Dean had walked into his life. He heard the door being flung open and a girl staggering into the kitchen, marching furiously towards the table Tom was sat at, all angry eyes and big brown curly hair. Jasmine had a way of bringing everyone in the room to a halt, usually with her opinion on something, or her latest disagreement to something happening in the world. The newspaper was slammed down against the table violently.

"I can't believe this. They can't just tear down a building like that..." Tom zoned out as he watched Jasmine animatedly re-tell the story from the paper in a way that would be so much more entertaining than actually reading it. He watched her continually throw her arms around picking up the paper at one point directly quoting from it, before throwing it back down on the table. Eventually she breathed in deeply and slumped down on the chair opposite.

"Feel better now?" Tom smiled as Jasmine pulled her hair of her face into a ponytail.

"Much." She smiled leaning across to steal his cup away to drink some "Eurgh. You know thats cold right?"

"I was aware, yes" He took it back off her and moved to the sink, pouring the remaining liquid away. "I hope its okay but I told Craig he could stay here for a bit. He's having trouble at home, and it got really bad the other day, and well we have that extra room..." as Tom turned round to face his friend he trailed off as the looked he received seemed less than impressed "What?"

"Nothing" Jasmine picked up the paper and began to read, Tom sat down opposite her again, reaching his hands across the table to pull the paper away.

"Oh yeah nothing... seriously, what was that look for? You like Craig"

"Yeah I do. I think Craig is a lovely and really sweet guy. Thats not what I have the problem with"

"Then what is the problem?"

"My problem is you moving the guy that your in love with in the room above you"

Jasmine's eyes met Tom's, and the look said it all. Before Tom could even open his mouth to respond she had already began to speak again.

"And don't bother denying it. Craig maybe completely oblivious to your affections, but let me tell you, Michael and I are not"

"Jazzie... I'm not... I mean. I just want to be a good friend and he needs somewhere to stay, and we have room..."

"I'm not arguing about your intentions here Tom. You're intentions are lovely and amazing, and I get it, but I'm just worried about is all..."

"You don't have to be..."

"See thats where you're wrong. Because its this thing I have built in when it comes to my friends, its called looking out for them. And I know you feel like you have to protect Craig and take care of him, but I wonder whose protecting you and your feelings in all this? I mean Craig comes to you and he talks to you about everything and you do the same, but for you..."

"I can't have this conversation"

"You can't keep running from it either"

Tom looked away from the big eyes staring across at him, he worked so hard at keeping everything else hidden, he wondered when it had become so obvious to everyone that his feelings from Craig had spiraled from that of a best friend to something so much more.

He heard Jasmine's chair move and then he hand rested on his shoulder, before she moved round and sat down on his lap.

"It's completely shit. I know. When you look at someone and they make you feel like... like the way you feel when you look at Craig, and you know that they aren't looking back the same way. I just don't want you to get hurt"

"I'm not going to. I just wanna be his friend more than anything else, he needs that right now, how I feel is this totally separate thing, and I'll get over it..."

"So you do then? Love him?"

Tom nodded. "Yeah. More than anything. But... he doesn't see me like that, he doesn't feel that way. And its okay, it really is, because the friendship I have with him, I wouldn't change that for anything"

Tom looked up at his friend who was smiling down at him "You're an amazing man Mr Thomas Parker you know that?" She kissed his forehead and jumped off his lap. Before moving back out the kitchen door, he heard her bedroom door open and shut and the music started to echo quietly through the flat.

_**Be my friend - hold me, wrap me up - unfold me - I am small and needy - warm me up and breathe me**_

He could deal with this. He lived through worse, and all he really wanted to see was Craig happy. So if getting him out of that house made him even slightly nearer to getting there, then thats what Tom had to do. He had to put aside those feelings and a friend, the friend Craig needed right now.

Which in theory all sounded really easy. In theory.

His mobile bleeped in his pocket.

_Thanks for today. I'll be round later. What would I do without you? Craig x_

Tom sighed and leant forward on the table. Yeah in theory his little plan worked out amazing. In his head everything went just as it should, but Tom knew more than anyone that feelings had a way of over powering everything, getting to you from the inside pulling their way through until all there is left to do is to let them out.

_**I have lost myself again - lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found**_

_**Yeah I think that I might break - lost myself again and I feel unsafe**_

Tom sighed again and typed the message into his phone quickly, not even thinking about the words he was replying, just naturally responding to Craig.

_Anytime. And you'll never have to worry about that. Tom x_


	15. Its Too Late

Another week had slowly passed John Paul by, another week of classes, and hiding away in his room, of trying to be a better boyfriend to Chloe, of trying hard to be comfortable with who he is.

After talking with Craig that day, he convinced himself that he could do those things, that he could be the person everyone expected him to be. But that was just the problem, he was only doing those things because of what everyone else wanted, not what he wanted. So now he found himself 5 days later in utter confusion, right back where he started, when he first met Craig. The same feeling that sparked in him that night, was now there everyday, but added to that was a feeling of all consuming fear, not just of the feelings he had, but the fear that he had left it too late.

When Craig didn't return to college that Monday, he felt completely to blame and worried for his friend, because he realised thats all Craig had needed was someone to be there for him, and he could have at least done that much. When he got home he sent Craig a feeble apology in a text message and received no reply. That's when the fear really began to set in, a small amount, but still it was there, a question repeatedly running through his mind, why didn't he reply?

John Paul meant it, he wanted them to be friends. He needed them to be friends. He thought of sending him another message, saying just that, but he didn't. How could he now? Maybe Craig didn't want to talk to him now, maybe that was it, he had ruined any friendship they could have had.

He didn't sleep well that night, tossing and turning, afraid he had lost the one person who had finally understood him.

The next day was no better. Craig had turned up to college looking tired and agitated, when he entered the classroom John Paul waved him over to sit with him as they had been previously, but Craig ignored the request and went and sat next to Hannah, immediately opening he's sketch book and not looking up for the whole class.

Again John Paul began questioning whether sending the message was the right thing to do, it had clearly just made things worse, Craig couldn't even look at him. As Nancy sat down next to him and began talking about the book that they were studying for English, he completely lost himself in his thoughts. His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he opened the message.

_Hey you. Missing you loads already. Thought about coming to see you again, weekend after next? Chloe xox_

John Paul sighed, surely that was something to be happy about. Getting to see Chloe again. He wanted to make the effort, he knew he had to if he wanted to keep her in his life, and he did. He had to make it work, he owed her that much after having treated her terribly.

_I'd really love that. Miss you too. JP xx_

Craig had ignored him as he had called out his name as they all left the classroom that day, he had walked the other way when he saw John Paul heading down the corridor, he had done the same on Wednesday and on Thursday, anytime he saw John Paul coming, he walked the other way, if they had a class together, he made sure to sit as far away as possible.

At first it had only made John Paul concerned and worried for a friendship that was quickly fading away, but the more Craig ignored him the more the anger towards him rose up inside.

Craig had started this. Craig has spoke to him that night. He had drawn something out of him, making him want to talk to Craig, to have Craig in his life, and John Paul knew he had made some mistakes, that he hadn't be fair with Craig and he's feelings, but did he deserve this? Deserve to have any contact with Craig taken away? The whole thing left him feeling terrified and scared that he had managed to ruin one of the really good things he had in his life.

Maybe this is what he deserved? He knew he didn't deserve someone like Craig to even talk to him, all the hurt John Paul had caused to people, he was inevitably going to hurt Craig, like he already had, if they remained friends no doubt it would happen again. It seemed to be what John Paul was good at. So on Thursday night he had resigned himself to the fact that the friendship was over, that he had never deserved it in the first place.

But on Friday it changed again. John Paul had stayed behind after class, working on an assignment, his house was never quiet, and here he could work without interruption. As he walked out of the building, the whole place deserted he paused to fasten his jacket, and he stepped forward, ready to head home, immediately crashing into someone, the same person who for the last week had completely ignored him.

"John Paul..."

John Paul scoffed "Oh so you gonna talk to me now then?" John Paul began to walk away.

"I thought it would be easier"

John Paul turned to face Craig who was looking down to the ground "I made a complete fool of myself. And I can't just pretend that I don't feel what I feel about you, and being around you... "

"So what you don't even wanna be friends? Is that what you're saying"

"I'm saying that I understand it now, I thought that those things meant something more to you. The same as they meant to me, but you've made it very clear that they don't. But the thing is, it doesn't make it easier, so for me its the best thing to just keep some distance..."

"And what about me?"

John Paul heard his own sadness in his voice at his response to the words he heard from Craig. He thought Craig understood him, that just because he couldn't be what Craig needed him to be, that didn't mean he wanted him completely out of his life. Craig had even said it to Hannah, he remembered the words she spoke saying that Craig had called it an "undeniable connection" surely that meant something?

"Craig... I don't wanna lose this friendship... I thought... I thought you understood..."

"Maybe I was wrong about that. We really don't know each other all that well do we? And maybe we just thought that it meant more or something..."

"That's a lot of maybes."

"John Paul..." Craig stepped forward closer to John Paul, and the realisation of what this was hit him. Craig was walking away, just like most people in his life seemed to do after a while, after being pushed or forced out by John Paul, the only ones that seemed to stay were the ones he wouldn't let go of. But he couldn't do that with Craig, he couldn't keep hold of him, perhaps the reason being because he cared too much for Craig, he didn't want him to become another victim of the lie he was living called his life, he could keep hold of Chloe, he could pretend with her, but he couldn't do that to Craig.

"I thought about things so much over the past few days. And for the past year I've been trying to tell myself that I was okay with everything that my Mum was doing, but I'm tired of it John Paul and I just want to try and get on with my life without feeling judged and like I have to deny how I feel... and I can't do this, I just need some time... can you give me that?"

John Paul realised that he didn't really have much choice. He was again fighting with the two voices inside of him, one was saying to agree and then walk away, the other screaming to walk over and say no and do everything that he had been denying wanting to do. The first one meant John Paul was hurt himself that he would have to face the fact he may lose the one true friend he ever had and the second meant that inevitably Craig would be hurt, and John Paul couldn't do it, he wouldn't be the cause of that. So he walked away. Just like Craig wanted.

* * *

Craig lay awake in his new home, his new bed. He pulled the covers up over his chest, trying again to get himself comfortable. He wasn't sure if it was the new bed or the overwhelming feeling of regret in his stomach keeping him awake.

Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was John Paul walking away from him, disappearing until he was nothing, until he was gone. He stood there for a while, staring at the empty space in which John Paul had stood, trying to believe the words that had fallen out of his mouth.

The week had been a strange, slow one. As Tom had walked him back to the Dog to help collect his things, all he could think of was what he was going to say to John Paul when he saw him the next day at college. He's thoughts weren't even focused on how his Mum would react to his sudden departure, all he could think about was the scene that had played out in the classroom, and what a complete idiot he felt like.

Leaving Tom outside he had snuck up into his room and collected somethings together, there had been no one in the flat and he was thankful, he would call Steph and Jake and tell them later, right now he just wanted to get out from that place, just to feel the release of walking away. He looked around his room one last time before he went to open the door, stopping as he saw a photo of him and Tom by his bed, he picked it up and placed it in his bag, and turned and shut the door firmly behind him.

As he reached the last step, he stopped to turn and look back up the stairs, he saw his Mum looking down at him, she glanced to his bag and then back at him, Craig opened his mouth to speak, but before he could she had turned and headed back into the flat.

And as Craig walked away, thats when he realised, he didn't want to feel like this anymore, he wanted to be free of that feeling, the feeling that consumed him, telling him that there was something wrong with him, something he should be ashamed of.

At the same time he realised that being just friends with John Paul was something he didn't feel capable of doing, he wanted to be able to, to be able to pretend that he was happy with just that. But how could he carry on? Even with just the feeling of one kiss, one kiss that had completely left him wanting more, left him wanting everything he had been terrified of, to now have nothing?

He pulled the covers off himself, and stood up slowly out of his bed, and headed downstairs. He hoped some mind numbingly boring TV would relax his brain, he stopped as he reached Tom's door. He hadn't told Tom about his conversation with John Paul the day before, he wondered how Tom would react, and he wanted his opinion, but wasn't sure if he would appreciate it at 3 in the morning.

Craig pushed open the door slightly and peered in, Tom was laying on his back, his bedside light was on and he was reading. Craig smiled and rested his head on the door frame, Tom lifted himself up onto his elbows as he glanced over at Craig.

"Craig... you okay?"

"Couldn't sleep. Can I come in?"

Tom nodded and walked into the room, he shuddered as he realised just how cold it was tonight, and that he really should have put a t-shirt on.

"You got a shirt I can borrow, its freezing in here"

"Err... yeah back of the chair" Tom pointed to the chair across the other side of the room, and Craig made his way over pulling the t-shirt on.

Craig pulled the chair out and sat down, looking over towards Tom, who was shifting in the bed uncomfortably, sitting up and pulling the covers over him.

"Tom... thank you again, for letting me stay here..."

Tom smiled "Stop thanking me. Its fine, I just want you to be happy, and I know being there was making you miserable... and to be honest having to hang around with you being all broody and depressed was bringing me down"

Craig laughed slightly and got up out the chair "What you reading?"

"Nothing" Tom moved the book and put it under his pillow and Craig moved closer to the bed.

"Come on... what is it... "

Craig smiled and leaned round to try and grab under the pillow, but he was pushed away by Tom, Craig stopped and looked down at his friend, who after pushing him away and moved slightly across the bed.

"Tom.. are you okay?" Craig sat down on the space that was left empty after Tom moving "I know I've been you know all about me, but you know you can talk to me right?"

Craig heard Tom sigh, he knew that what everyone saw of Tom was a confident outgoing person, but the truth was no one but him knew the history behind that facade, what he had been through, and sometimes, Craig would receive phone calls, Tom would be upset and crying, usually drunk. And he'd go to Tom's and they would talk, the first time it happened Craig had no idea how Tom had managed to get in such a state or the reason as to why he did it, but he learnt that night what Tom had been through, and they talked the whole night, finally falling asleep at 6am. It was the same night Craig knew he would always have someone to rely on in Tom, someone that would always be there for him.

"I'm fine Craig. It's just busy at work, there's this charity ball thing next week and its taking a lot of organising..."

"Is that why..." Craig reached under the pillow and pulled the hidden book out "you are reading... Harry Potter?"

Craig looked up to his friend and laughed "I thought you hated this stuff..."

"Hate is such a strong word Craig. I have a growing affection for it"

Craig smiled and turned round pulling himself on the bed to sit next to Tom "Okay budge up, we can read it together then... so who are you shipping?"

"Shipping?"

"Yeah... couples... who do you want to end up with who?"

"Wow just when I thought your level of coolness couldn't get any lower you prove me wrong"

"Your the one awake at 3am reading Harry Potter, not really your place to be dishing out opinions on whats cool is it?"

"Good point"

Craig smiled and nudged into Tom's arm "So come on..."

"Fine... I like Harry and Hermione..."

"What? Tom you like a couple that is destined to never be together..."

"I never said I think they are gonna get together, I just like them. She's always there for him, and she understands him. There's something sweet about that. Its not passionate and all that stuff no, but still sweet..."

"Who knew Tom Parker was such a romantic"

Tom laughed and hit Craig's arm "Shut up. Let me guess you like Ron and Hermione?"

"I was always partial to Harry and Ron actually" Tom laughed loudly and turned to Craig, leaning his head against the wall.

"I'm really happy your here Craig. Its good to see you like this, relaxed and dare I say even happy"

"It feels good. I always feel like this when I'm here though" Craig turned to face Tom and smiled. He did, he always felt this comfortable with Tom, he didn't have to justify how he felt, or be anything other than himself, ever since the day he met Tom, he didn't have to be anything over than who he was, who he really is. He knew that if had never met Tom, he wouldn't be the person he was today. He saw the smile on Tom's face fade as he turned away from him.

"Did you know its a year ago this week that we met?" Craig smiled again as Tom turned to face him again.

"Yeah I know" Craig nodded "I was just thinking if I'd be the same person I am today without you"

"You would have got there"

"I really don't think I would have. I know we never really talked about this... but... you changed my life Tom, I don't think I would have been able to do this without you."

"Same here. Having you to talk to, it means lot"

"I know and I always be here for you to talk to. I mean it. About anything, your my best friend Tom."

"You too" Craig smiled as Tom looked away, down at the book in his hands. Craig moved down the bed and tried to get more comfortable. Tom's bed was more comfortable than the one he had in his room, he turned on his side.

"Is it alright if I sleep in here?" Craig looked up at Tom who smiled slightly.

"Of course"

Craig closed his eyes and could already feel sleep overtaking him."Night Tom"

"Night Craig"

Tom sighed heavily again, and opened his book. He tried not to focus on the body next to him. He tried not to focus on the breathing, on the small noises Craig made while he was asleep. Or how he moved closer to Tom as he moved in his sleep.

Tom gave up on the idea of sleep, but as he looked down to his book, he gave up on that too. He couldn't read, all he could think about was Craig and the fact that he was here by his side, leaning up against him, he's arm so close Tom wanted to reach out and touch it and pull it around him, and hold onto him. He closed his book and slunk down the bed turning off the light that softly lit the room. The darkness helped, if he closed his eyes he could pretend Craig wasn't there so close to him, but as he moved to get comfortable Craig shifted closer to him again, and Tom felt like he wanted to cry.

_I always be here for you to talk to. I mean it. About anything, your my best friend Tom_

Just Craig saying that confirmed everything Tom already knew. And it confirmed everything that Jasmine had said, how could he live with Craig like this? Is this how it would always be, Craig coming to his room in the middle of the night and sleeping in his bed. It wasn't Craig's fault he had no idea how Tom felt, but still he felt completely overwhelmed by it all, he wanted to be a good friend and do the right thing but everything inside of him was screaming out to tell him how he felt.

But he never would. He knew the truth now more than ever. All Craig saw Tom as was a friend. Tom turned on his side to face him and watched Craig sleeping, he could feel the tears falling, and tried to hold them back, but it only made them fall more. This moment like this, the two of them meant everything to Tom, this was all he wanted the two of them like this, so many nights he had dreamt of this moment lying next to Craig, having him so close. But all this was to Craig was just another act of friendship, another way Tom was being their for his friend, he was completely oblivious to the fact that he's friends heart was breaking.


	16. Every Night

It had been from Nancy that John Paul had found out he had been invited by Tom to a party for the charity he ran. Apparently Craig had been looking for John Paul to invite him and Chloe but hadn't been able to find him. Right then Nancy questioned that the two of them hadn't spent much time together recently, John Paul mumbled some pathetic excuse, which seemed to convince Nancy well enough. He did wonder though how exactly he and Craig would be able to keep up the facade. If Craig really intended to no longer have a friendship with John Paul, then at some point there would have to be a truthful explanation. They had the same friends, and eventually they would all be in the same room together – what did Craig expect John Paul to do? Walk out the room every time he entered one?

The party was the same weekend as Chloe's next visit. Part of him wanted to tell Nancy he had plans and that he couldn't make it. That he and Chloe just wanted some alone time. But the stronger part of him, the side that was winning, wanted to go. He had barely seen Craig, and he hated it. He had never felt like this before, such a feeling of disappointment when he expected Craig to be somewhere and then he wasn't, when Hannah had made up some excuse for him telling everyone he couldn't make it. He had heard from Hannah that Craig had moved out of the pub and was now living with Tom.

As she spoke a sickness ran through him. As she said how much happier he seemed since having left the confines of he's old home. John Paul knew Craig and Tom were just close friends. Craig had told John Paul the story of how they met, and how Tom had helped Craig in so many ways. He knew all that was there was an affection as close friends.

But still he hated it. He hated that Tom could see him everyday, and that John Paul was left being ignored. He knew he was going to that party. Part of him wished Chloe wasn't going to be there, that he could make up some kind of excuse to her. But he couldn't, he had to try and make an effort. And maybe if he turned up with her, he could show Craig that he didn't care, he didn't need him in his life. A thought that he hated even thinking. When had he started using Chloe like that? Using her as a point to prove something? And why did he care so much what Craig thought anyway?

Why was there such a power between the two of them? Why was he spending most of his time now wondering and thinking where Craig was? And why he could so easily turn off the connection they had between them.

He knew that Craig had sensed that connection. He had even said it. So why now was he finding it so easy to walk away from? When all John Paul wanted to do was hang onto it for dear life? John Paul didn't want to hurt Craig, he just wanted, needed to have him in his life, more than anything else he wanted that back – he felt like he had finally found something good and was losing it. Maybe there was some way of fixing this, he felt for sure that the two of them could be friends – but was that all it was?

He had kissed Craig that night. He had initiated the whole thing and then pushed Craig away. Could he blame Craig for what he was doing? All Craig had done was been amazing to John Paul since he got there, and all John Paul had done was mess with Craig's feelings. But how could he give Craig what it was he had wanted that day, when he didn't even know what it was he wanted.

He knew he felt safe with Chloe. He knew he was loved and there was a comfort in that, a feeling that left him feeling secure. And the feelings that he had when he met Craig had terrified him. They had scared him so much that he had been actively fighting against them, only showing them when he was vulnerable, when he had lower inhibitions. Even now as he allowed himself to think about those feelings more, he was still closed off to them, not letting himself really feel them. How could he? There were too many people to upset in this – too many people that wouldn't understand. How could they when he couldn't.

The party was tomorrow and he wanted the air to be clear. He wanted to be able to enjoy the party with his new friends, with Craig. John Paul wondered if he should just be honest with Craig – tell him how scared he was, he had always found it so easy with everything else. So why with this was it so damn hard. And why now after making the decision to call Craig and ask him to come over, why now 2 hours later was he feeling like it had been a huge mistake. He thought about everything he could say, everything that he wanted to say. But he knew that once he was faced with Craig – words would fail him. He'd find himself scared again. They'd find themselves in the same situation they had been in the classroom a few days ago.

He was alone in his room now, staring blankly at the text book that sat in front of him on his desk. He had been staring at the same paragraph for an eternity now, taking nothing of it in. He looked over to the clock on the wall, and he knew Craig would be here soon. A sickness rose in his stomach that he couldn't shake. It had been a huge mistake asking him here. Now the thought of him standing there opposite him, asking him why he wanted to speak to him? He had nothing to say, he couldn't say all those things he had planned. He would sound like an idiot.

There was a reason Craig had found it so easy to walk away, because they really didn't know each other, and John Paul was basing all his feelings on some connection? As he thought it he realised how stupid he sounded – and that if he said those things to Craig he would think he was stupid as well.

He heard a faint knock on the door making him hump abruptly out of his chair and move quickly to the door. He wished he could keep the door closed and lock everything out, but as he heard Craig say his name quietly he realised he couldn't, his Mum had obviously sent Craig up showing him the way telling him that John Paul was up here – what could he do now except try and find some way to fix the mess he had created.

John Paul opened the door and took in Craig's features, he's eyes were wide and staring deeply into John Paul's already, asking so many questions with just that look.

"You're Mum sent me up... she's really nice... talks alot" Craig moved his hand to the back of he's neck rubbing it nervously "One of your sisters was down there too all blonde hair and moody"

John Paul smiled slightly "That'll be Michaela"

"Is she always that friendly?"

"Oh yeah its just part of her natural charm. All us McQueen's have it"

Craig smiled and he's eyes met John Paul's again. And there it was again. That spark. That connection that John Paul couldn't deny no matter how much he wanted to.

"Sorry.. you want to come in?"

John Paul moved away from the door way pulling the door back as he did, he watched Craig step in and look around the room. John Paul shut the door and turned back to where Craig was standing now looking back at him.

"So... what did you want to talk about?"

"I had another speech prepared. All these things I wanted to say... but they don't seem to matter too much now" John Paul sighed and leaned against his door. "Craig you probably think I'm gonna sound stupid, because well I know we haven't known each other very long, and well maybe we don't know all that much about each other, but the the thing is see I've told you more about myself, more about how I feel than anyone I've ever had in my life and I don't understand it and to be honest it actually scares me a little bit. But meeting you – its been nice. Nice to have someone to talk to, someone who actually seems to give a shit. And then I screwed it up. Because you see... thats what I do, I seem to do this thing where anything good comes into my life I seem intent on destroying it, and I get why you think we shouldn't be friends, and what I did that night in your room I'm so sorry cos it screwed everything up, I screwed everything up. I wish I could give you an explanation... but I can't not right now... I just I don't want us not to be friends."

"John Paul..." Craig moved slightly stepping closer to John Paul. "You didn't screw anything up. You made a mistake. I just thought it'd be easier you know? Get some distance... but I... I get everything you just said. And you don't sound stupid. I shouldn't have reacted like that. What you need is a friend and me just turning my back on you like that was a pretty crappy thing to do. So maybe... why don't we just start again? Lets just put everything that happened behind us... what do you say?"

"I'd really love that."

John Paul stepped away from the door slightly and began to move towards Craig.

"Mates?" John Paul held put his hand as Craig looked down at it, placing he's into John Paul's smiling as he pulled John Paul into a hug. The last time he had been this close to Craig was in the classroom, he had been so close he could take in everything about him, the colour of his eyes, the smell of him, and now as they hugged almost awkwardly as their hands still held together between their chests, he felt the same rush he had felt it that moment. He almost found himself lingering in the hug for too long, almost let down as Craig moved away and smiled widely at him.

"Mates"


	17. You Have Stolen My Heart

_The sky glows I see it shining when my eyes close_

When the car had pulled up to the venue of the party earlier that night, Craig realised straight away that Tom hadn't done the place justice. He had said it was beautiful. But breathtaking was more like it. He had tried to imagine all of them at a fancy country house surrounded by beautiful grounds, and the thought had made him laugh, nothing could have seemed more out of place to him. It only made him laugh more as Tom had sat fidgeting nervously in he's seat, adjusting he's tie every five seconds. It was a big deal for the charity, the first proper recognition it had got, and Tom just wanted to make a good impression. He and Jasmine had been there all day already, only leaving enough time for them to get back home get ready and leave again. Tom's face read as one of complete fear and exhaustion.

As they had drove up the long driveway leading to the house, Craig looked out the window, up ahead at the house. It looked like something off a TV period drama, and again he felt like all of them would be completely out of place. There was already an awkwardness settling in the mini van they were travelling in. John Paul and Chloe were huddled in a corner, Hannah was staring off into space, Nancy and Sarah were giggling and talking about their outfits, and Jasmine looked as terrified as Tom.

As they pulled up and walked up to the building, Tom and Jasmine excused themselves to deal with their responsibilities of the night. Craig felt disappointed that he most likely wouldn't be able to spend too much time with Tom tonight, but as he turned to look at him standing by the door smiling as he shook hands with the guests that were starting to arrive, he saw what a big deal this was, and he knew that later when things had calmed down there would be time for them to catch up with how things were going.

Craig looked up around him, two stair cases either side of him, leading up onto a balcony over looking the hall he now stood in, under the balcony were the doors leading into the hall where everyone seemed to be congregating, he followed Nancy, Sarah and Hannah, as they excitedly made their way through. He smiled at John Paul as he walked by him, being pulled by Chloe.

_"God, he looked good tonight"_ John Paul was wearing a tuxedo, and as soon as Craig saw him other than having to remind himself to keep his feelings for John Paul strictly platonic, he also felt very under dressed. Looking down at himself, in he's black trousers, white shirt and waistcoat, he voiced his fears to Tom who only smiled, for the one time he had that night and said he looked great.

Walking through the hall which now seemed full of people Craig looked for he's friends, he saw them all congregated by the bar and smiled to himself. He moved straight through to the doors on the opposite side of the room that lead out onto a patio, with steps down onto the grounds surrounding the house. He stood at the top of the step and placed his hands in his pockets and sighed.

It was a beautiful night. And yet there was something strange about it all. He could hear the laughter and chatter from inside, and the music softly playing in the background.

_I hear your warnings but we both know I'm gonna look at it again_

Craig turned from the steps and looked back into the building, he saw John Paul straight away. He was smiling. Laughing. Something he had rarely seen in the short time he had known him. But when he did. When he [ireally[/i meant it, Craig couldn't look away, almost like a unseen force not allowing him to turn away from [ithat[/i smile, completely unable of turning away from him. He watched as Chloe moved beside him, linking her fingers with he's, leaning closely against he's side, she was smiling too. Smiling at him, and he smiled back at her. And suddenly Craig felt like an intruder on what was a private moment, and yet something inside him still wouldn't let him look away. Almost as if he had to see this. He touched her face slightly, moving a stray hair from her face, she leaned her face against he's hand and smiled again, before moving away and pulling he's arm, dragging him to the small space that people had began to dance on, he watched John Paul protest and point to Nancy, Sarah and Hannah, but they only encouraged Chloe, and with that he was gone, pulled away from a good view. Craig could barely see him through the other people. He thought about going back in, watching him still. He seemed to love the pain that came from watching John Paul like that, watching him with someone else.

"No one likes the weird loner at a party Craig"

Craig smiled to himself before turning to see Tom standing at the bottom of the steps. He wasn't used to seeing Tom like this, all made up and smart. Tom said he had his own unique style, Craig just called it scruffy. But tonight he had actually made an effort, he's long hair that usually swept over he's forehead was now pushed back off he's face, and the fact that he even owned a tuxedo was news to Craig.

"Shouldn't you be at the door greeting your guests?"

"I left Jazzy and Michael on that job, there's only so many times you can say "its great to see you" and "thanks so much for coming" whilst sounding believable and like you actually care that any of them turned up"

Craig laughed and moved down the steps towards Tom, the laughter and chatter faded, but he could still hear the music playing softly in the background.

_Don't wait - the road is now a sudden sea_

"Oh come on. You love all this stuff, you love the work you do and I know for a fact that you care about tonight" Craig reached the bottom of the steps and stood opposite Tom, he watched as Tom nodded slightly, but as he saw Tom turn and look out across the view from where they stood, he saw a hesitance, almost as if he wanted to respond to it but couldn't find the words.

"I do care about it. And this night, it means a lot. It means recognition. Of everything we've done. But these kind of parties. Full of people telling everyone how amazing what they do is, its all a bit fake isn't it? Like that's the only reason some of these people are here, so everyone can tell them what great things they are doing. I mean I'm not gonna change the world with what I do, I know that. All I wanted to do was help people, give people something I didn't have when..."

Craig rested his hand on Tom's shoulder "I think its people like you that do change the world. Maybe not in the big scheme of things. But you think of the people you've helped, you've changed their world, made it better for them. And you should be proud of that. Not many people would be brave enough if they went through what you did, I wish I was half as brave as you are"

_And suddenly, you're deep enough to lay your armor down_

He heard Tom breathe in and out deeply. "Well never let it be said that we don't know how to enjoy a party Craig" Tom turned to Craig and smiled before looking inside to the others "They all look like their having fun. Why aren't you in there with them enjoying yourself?"

"You know me..."

"That's right, never happy unless you've got something to brood about"

Craig smiled "Not brooding. Just thinking"

Tom nodded. "About John Paul?"

Craig nodded slightly "Yeah and other stuff..."

"Anything worth talking about or will it bring down the party mood even more?"

"After your speech I don't think its possible"

Craig felt he's friend hit his arm softly, before sitting down on the step, tapping the concrete floor next to him. Craig sat down and turned to his friend.

"Was thinking about you actually"

"You could try a cold shower"

Craig laughed "Not like that you perv. I was just thinking, I dunno how far we've come. From when I first met you..."

"Yeah. The two of us sitting alone being depressed." Tom looked around "To be fair not much has changed has it?"

Craig laughed and shook he's head. The song blaring out from inside the hall changed and he smiled to himself. He knew who had been put in charge of the music. It was so Tom.

_We watch the season pull up its own stakes and catch the last weekend of the last week_

"So Tom... can we expect only Dashboard Confessional songs this evening? No wonder we're sitting out here depressed"

"You know Craig that would mean something if it wasn't you giving an opinion on music, I mean lets face it... Mr "I bought Girls Aloud album"

"Hey! You said you'd never mention that again"

"I know but its too good not to remind you every now and then"

Tom stood up slowly smiling down at Craig. "I really should get back. I come and find you later though"

Craig held he's hand up for Tom to grab hold of, and he helped pull Craig up and Tom started to walk away, but Craig pulled him back by he's hand.

"Before you go back in there and plaster that fake smile back on your face mister. Just remember one thing alright? All of this, you do deserve it. And you may not see how you've helped people, they may not tell you, but let me tell you. You changed my life. My world..." Craig smiled and pulled Tom into a hug "And for that before you leave... you deserve to dance at your party..."

Tom pulled away suddenly, laughing and looking slightly scared "Craig! Really... its okay the thank you speech was enough..."

"Are you trying to say that I can't dance?"

"That's exactly what I am saying. Craig, I've seen you dance... and believe me thats not something people wanna see..."

"Well there's no one else here... just you and me" Craig smiled and pulled Tom back in closer to him "Besides this is much more my pace I think"

_Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced - another sun soaked season fades away_

Tom closed his eyes as Craig pulled him closer to him, he could feel Craig's breathe on his neck and he tried to remain focused on the act of friendship that Craig had intended with this dance. The whole night had been completely overwhelming, and now here he was in Craig's arms, feeling safer than he had ever felt in his life, and yet completely terrified at the same time.

"See... no toes have been stepped on"

Tom faked a smile as he spoke, to try and make his voice seem as genuine "Well the night is young"

Tom heard his voice break at the end, as Craig moved he's arm and rested it on Tom's back. He couldn't do this. How could he keep on doing this? He suddenly felt angry at Craig for being so great to him, for just being him. For telling him exactly what he needed to here every time. For providing him with comfort when he needed it the most. Did he even realise how much all of this meant to Tom? How just being here with him like this meant everything? How he wouldn't have been able to get through this night if Craig hadn't been here. He heard Craig speak again.

"Look at those lot in there" Craig turned he's head and smiled widely and Tom turned to look too, Nancy, Sarah and Hannah were all watching the couples on the dance floor and looking at them with a mixture of disgust, amusement and envy, as they all clung onto each other swaying slightly to the music. He laughed and turned back to Craig, only to meet he's eyes looking straight at him. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt for sure that Craig must be able to tell what he was feeling. That it was obvious. He must of seen the look in his eyes? Surely now as they stood so close. He could feel his eyes welling up with tears, and he fought to keep them back, to stop them from falling. It was one thing to cry when Craig couldn't see, but not now, in front of him, not like this. But he was completely powerless to stop them. It seemed to be the effect Craig was having on him, after so long of keeping the feelings hidden away, the first time of acknowledging them with Jasmine the other day and now it was as if they were all on the surface.

And he could see the concern in Craig's eyes starting to appear. And he was crying now, giving himself over to the feelings. The feelings he had for Craig and the sadness that had come with those feelings. The sadness that everything was about to change, and he had no way of stopping it, not now.

_You have stolen my heart_


	18. Currents

John Paul had never been to a place like this before in his life. He had no words to describe how beautiful it was. He had no words to describe how out of place he felt amongst all these people. Sure he could put on the suit and acted like he fitted in amongst them all but really that wasn't how he felt at all. He tried to focus on Chloe and his friends, ignoring everyone else that was there.

They hadn't been there an hour and already Sarah, Nancy and Hannah were enjoying the free bar that was provided. He held Chloe close to him as the danced slowly to the music filling the room.

She had arrived earlier today. And John Paul had sat in his room waiting her arrival, part of him was waiting for a call or text. Some excuse. Even when she didn't arrive at the time she had said part of him still hoped she couldn't make it. He hated himself for even thinking that, but he couldn't help it. And as he sat there staring at his phone, the only thing breaking him from his daydream, was her arriving. The noise of welcomings from downstairs as his Mum and sisters greeted her and chatted away. He heard his name being called so many times. Eventually he pulled himself out of his chair and made his way to see her. When he did, he felt that comfort. That safeness that she provided. Everything seemed fine. But thats all. It was just fine. He hugged her. He kissed her. It was all the same. Hardly any feeling from him. Mostly feeling like he had to fake it all.

Even now as they danced so closely, as she pulled his body nearer to hers, all John Paul could think was "is this it?" Is this how love is supposed to feel? He had always imagined it as some all consuming thing that would completely change your life, and he knew that this wasn't it. Again he couldn't help but think about the moments he had spent with Craig. Even when they were just talking, there was a spark and a feeling that John Paul couldn't even begin to describe. He pushed the thoughts quickly put of his head and looked down at Chloe, trying to focus on her. On being here with her. This wasn't bad. Things were good with Chloe. They were comfortable and fine. He had no reason to be questioning his feelings.

The song ended. And Chloe pulled away. "Come on. Lets go find the others" John Paul let Chloe pull him through the other people still dancing to the next song that came on. It really was a beautiful night. And a beautiful place. The whole thing was almost dream like. As if it was too perfect to be real. Everyone smiling. Everyone happy. At least on the outside. On the outside everything was perfect. They finally stopped, reaching the table that Hannah, Nancy and Sarah had found themselves. John Paul couldn't help but smile to himself as he watched the 3 girls sitting closely together, smiling drunkenly.

"You three having a good time I see?"

"Eurgh" Nancy spluttered through a mouthful of her drink "I don't know which is worse. The millions of couples that have decided to turn up tonight. Or the millions of people who are so far up their own backsides its not even funny..."

John Paul laughed as Nancy continued her rant as Sarah and Hannah nodded along eagerly. Chloe squeezed his hand lightly.

"I'm just gonna pop to the toilets."

Sarah jumped out of her chair, quickly followed by Nancy and all three of them had rushed off to the toilet. John Paul made his way around the table and sat next to Hannah.

"You enjoying yourself?"

"Yeah. I guess. Not sure if its my sort of thing really" Hannah smiled shyly and tucked her hair behind her ears. John Paul hadn't spent too much time speaking to Hannah. He often wondered why she was friends with Nancy and Sarah, they were completely different to her. She was almost lost amongst the strength of the other twos personalities.

"I know what you mean. I've never been to a place like this before in my life. If my sisters saw me here now, they'd be laughing. Not that they'd let them through the doors."

"Chloe looks like she's having a good time tonight"

John Paul nodded "Yeah she loves things like this"

"No repeat of what happened before then?"

John Paul turned to look at Hannah who was stirring her drink slowly. "Because I mean its probably none of my business. But well Chloe stayed with me that night. And she was really upset, she told me somethings. And its not place to judge I mean we all make mistakes don't we?"

"Hannah... that night I was out of line. And well I'm really trying with Chloe. We've been together for a while now and well I wanna make things work. I have to. I owe her that"

Hannah nodded slightly "Good. Cos she's really sweet"

John Paul smiled. Hannah was right. Chloe was great. And all he could do was spend most of his time thinking about someone else. It was hard when she wasn't around all the time. It was easy to let his mind wander to things that he shouldn't be thinking about. It had to focus on him and Chloe, making the two of them work.

"Where the hell has Craig got to by the way? You seen him?"

"No. Not since we got here, he went walking off somewhere"

Hannah laughed slightly "I'm not surprised. He hates parties. He's probably hiding somewhere with Tom no doubt"

John Paul sighed. _Tom. _He didn't know if it was just in his mind but it seemed recently that every time Craig's name was mentioned so was Tom's.

"The two of them are pretty close huh?"

"Craig and Tom? Yeah. I mean, you only know the Craig now. But you should have seen him before he met Tom. He was nothing like this. It was like Tom gave him this confidence you know? To finally be happy with who he is" Nancy smiled "I don't Craig was ever really happy before. And Tom played a big part of him finally being able to be"

"He's really lucky to have found him then" John Paul looked up from the table. He found himself looking around the room, trying to find Craig. He sighed and turned back to Hannah. "Were the two of them ever more than friends?"

Hannah smiled "I think when they first met Craig had a little crush. But not now I don't no. They just take care of each other. Best friends."

John Paul wished he hadn't asked Hannah questions about Tom and Craig. He knew any answer she gave him would be one he hated. She could say they were just friends. Best friends. But then after back it up with something that made them seem more than that. He was looking into too much. Looking into something that really shouldn't have even bothered him. He wasn't sure what annoyed him the most, that someone knew Craig that well, that someone was closer to Craig than he only dreamed of being, or the thought that the two of them were together right now, laughing and happy.

John Paul turned to Hannah, who was looking at him questioningly, he looked up and beside her stood Jasmine, she looked stressed out and slightly annoyed.

"You haven't seen Tom have you?"

Hannah smiled slightly "No we were just saying he's probably off with Craig"

Jasmine shook her head "No probably needed there Han. Thats defienetly where he is. I mean its fine if he wants a break, but he's been gone nearly twenty minutes and me and Michael are working our arses off"

John Paul stood up abruptly "I'll go and see if I can find them. They've got to be around here somewhere"

It was just the excuse he had wanted to be able to go and look for Craig. He couldn't have just got up and started looking for him, even if everything inside was screaming at him to do so. The reason to look for them was welcome.

He moved away from the table quickly looking around the room. He looked across at the tables surrounding them but something told John Paul that the two of the wouldn't be sitting around so anyone could see them. He moved over to the doors leading out onto the patio. As he stepped outside the cool breeze hit his face and he smiled against it. It felt good to be free from that room, free from its confinement. He stepped outside further, looking right and left searching for them. They weren't there. He stepped forward again. Looking out to the view in front of him. Looking out at the beautiful surroundings he found himself in. He stepped forward again reaching the top of the stairs leading down to the gardens. And he found them.

_The air is visible around you - rising up and off your lips in slow currents_

He could hear the music in the background drowning out and everything else closing off around him. He saw the two of them pressed up closely against each other, their faces inches apart. Craig holding onto Tom's face, he's own filled with an expression of concern for his friend who looked upset. He felt like he was intruding on clearly what was a private moment. But he hated the closeness of it, he hated that someone else could so easily be that close to Craig while John Paul was doing everything to fight against it. Craig moved closer to Tom again. He could hear he's voice speaking softly asking he's friend what was wrong, pressing him for an answer of he's sadness. Tom was hesitating, desperately trying to losing Craig's grip on his face, trying with all he's might to push him away. And thats when John Paul realised for the first time how Tom truly felt about Craig. Tom was doing the same thing John Paul was doing, he could see it in he's actions, in the desperation of the look he gave Craig, pleading with him to let him go. But Craig was relentless, evening pulling Tom back when he managed to get free from he's grasp.

_I watch as your face is framed in it's slow currents_

John Paul knew he shouldn't. He knew he should go straight back to the table and tell Jasmine he hadn't seen either of them. Let them continue this private moment. But that part of him was not winning out, he wasn't sure what compelled him to do so, whether it was a wanting to help Tom, to help him out of a situation he had found himself in, or the fact that he didn't want Craig to be that close to anyone else, but he stepped slowly down the step, looking behind him into the large hall, and began laughing, like he had only noticed the two of them talking and nothing else, like he had just got there.

"Jasmine's looking for you Tom"

He watched as he pulled quickly away from Craig, and then Tom turned to look at him, Craig's eyes still fixed on Tom.

"I... sorry... I'll tell her you're busy"

"No its fine John Paul" Tom wiped he's hands over he's eyes quickly "I have to be getting back now anyways I've been gone to long..."

"Tom" Craig's voice was stern "We have to talk about this..."

"Craig... its fine... I'm okay honestly" He smiled and turned to look back at John Paul again " I hate parties" He glanced back at Craig quickly before making he's way up the stairs. Craig followed him half way, gripping hold of Tom's arm.

"Tom... please..."

"Craig. Just drop it. I'm fine" Tom pulled he's arm away and continued up the stairs.

John Paul looked up at the stairs to see Craig still standing in the same position watching Tom walk away.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt"

"What..." Craig turned to face John Paul. "Oh no its okay..."

John Paul shifted uncomfortably, he should have walked away. Why didn't he walk away? He had no right to interrupt that moment. And now looking at Craig all he could see was pain in he's eyes.

"Is Tom okay?"

Craig sighed heavily and sat down on one of the steps "I dunno. I mean he says he is. But... I know he's not telling me something... and I worry about him you know? With all he's been through he needs someone to talk to, he shouldn't bottle everything up... I should go after him..."

"Maybe... maybe you should just leave him be for a bit. I mean, this is a big night for him right? Just let him get through this... and then talk to him..."

"Yeah... yeah you're right... I'm probably not helping him by dragging him away from the party am I?"

John Paul moved to sit next to Craig. "Of course you're helping him. Your he's best friend. Just If this is a big deal then he should probably be focusing on this"

Craig nodded and turned to look up onto the patio "Why is everyone inside when its so beautiful out here?"

"Its amazing isn't it?"

"Its almost like something out of a dream. To perfect in a way" John Paul laughed slightly and shook his head.

"Whats so funny?"

"What you just said. I was pretty much thinking the same thing inside"

John Paul turned to look at Craig, and their eyes met. And there it was again. That spark. That feeling. The one that Chloe could never even begin to compare with. All he had to was be in Craig's presence and he felt alive. That every single sense in his body was heightened. That if he just leaned closer he could so close to Craig again.

_If it is born in flames then we should let it burn - burn as brightly as we can_

He didn't understand why. Or how. But he felt that pull again. Pulling the two of them together. Maybe it was the night. Even when he stepped into the car and as soon as he saw Craig, he knew then, he knew that he would end up here, alone with Craig, wanting to be this close to him again. He wanted to move just that bit closer to him. To feel he's lips brush against his own once again, but he couldn't, he stopped himself moving closer, he just stared at the brown eyes looking back into his, questioning how this was happening again. If he wanted this to happen again. He couldn't initiate this kiss. He just sat there. He let Craig's hand move onto his own, brushing his thumb over the top of his hand, moving up his arm, squeezing his shoulder slightly before moving it again to touch his neck, stroking it slightly before leaning forward to press their foreheads together.

_The air is visceral around us turning in its simple steps - on slow currents_

John Paul breathed in and out slowly, feeling his own breathe mingling with Craig's. He ran his tongue over his lips knowing what was about to happen, as Craig pulled back slightly. John Paul hadn't realised but at some point he had closed his eyes.

"John Paul. Open your eyes"

As he did he met Craig's again, and there was no denying the feeling there was no stopping it now, nothing would be able to break him out of this moment with Craig, they were stuck in it until one of them was brave enough to break the distance between them and give into all the feelings they had both been forcing themselves not to feel. John Paul felt Craig lips brush his softly once, and then again, and again... he pulled away at first, the realisation of what he was doing kicking in, but as Craig's grip on his neck remained strong, pulling him closer again, kissing him again, John Paul reciprocated, their mouths meeting, tongues touching, John Paul's hands moving onto Craig's back gripping the fabric of he's waistcoat, pulling him as close as he could get to him.

_It pirouettes and spins in slow motion - a long drag comes - a slow dance_

Neither of the could have heard the steps from above them, or the glass falling from the persons hand smashing into pieces of the hard concrete, neither of them could have heard the quiet sob escaping their mouth, nor did they hear the person turn and run back into the warmth of the building.

Both of them too lost in one another.

_And if this is ever meant to end then I hope it ends where it began - so hot with love we burned our hands_


	19. Everything

**Thank you again for the reviews. And thank you to anyone who is reading. Claire xox**

Craig could feel John Paul's hands clutching onto the fabric of his waistcoat, trying to pull him closer than he even was to him. He almost lost himself in the moment with him. Completely giving into it. He lost himself in the thought of being here like this with John Paul. He thought about the night in his room and how he felt then. But this. This was different. There were no drunken excuses, or any kind of questions as to whether one wanted it more than the other. They were both lost in one another. And just at that moment when Craig felt himself letting go. He pulled away slowly. John Paul's face still so close to his. He's eyes still closed slightly, and as he opened them, the blue eyes met brown and Craig felt like his heart might break with the next thing he knew he had to do.

John Paul's eyes were pleading with him to finish the kiss he had started, pulling at the front of Craig's waistcoat, begging him to close the distance between them once again.

Craig shook his head slightly "John Paul. We can't do this"

He felt John Paul's grip loosen, and he's hands move to he's lap. Craig looked at John Paul's face, he was now looking away from him. Craig moved his hand to the side of John Paul's face, he leant into the hand closing he's eyes.

"You know that we can't. Deep down" Craig sighed heavily "You have this whole life. With Chloe. And I know you care about her and I know you don't wanna hurt her. And I won't be a secret and I think that if you and me carried on right now, thats all I'd ever be"

"I do care about her. But when I'm with you... its like something else takes control and I can't stop it. I'm afraid that if I just carry on the way I am... I won't ever really be happy"

"You haven't got to carry on the way you are. But I think you need to think about what it is you really want. And I don't think this would help, not right now anyway. You don't have to stay with Chloe, or if you do thats fine too, but you also shouldn't keep hurting her. Things are okay now, and you keep saying that, but what happens when another night like before happens? And you treat her like you have before. I know you don't wanna be that person"

"You don't get it though Craig. I see myself saying those things to her and I know its wrong, but its like I blame her for all of this. I get angry at myself and take it out on her"

"Just be honest with her. Figure out what it is you really want"

John Paul sighed heavily and turned to look back at Craig. Craig was fighting with everything he had not to move closer again to John Paul and pull him into his arms "I want you"

Craig leaned forward, resting his head against John Paul's. "Maybe you think you do now John Paul. But I think you need some time, to figure things out and then maybe... if you still feel the same... maybe we'll see..."

"I'll still feel the same..." Craig smiled "Yeah. Maybe"

Craig moved back slightly, but John Paul pulled him back closer again. "Craig... I just need to know one thing... just how you feel about me..."

Craig shook his head and moved back again "John Paul... don't do this..."

"I need to know" Craig looked into John Paul's eyes as they begged for some kind of answer. But Craig knew any answer he gave could only make everything harder. How could he finally tell John Paul really how he felt to only then have to walk away from him. Craig stood up and held out his hand to John Paul.

"Take my hand. Come on" John Paul wrapped he's fingers around Craig's and let himself be pulled up by him. Craig pulled him by the hand out of view from the doors and the people inside enjoying the party. He let go of John Paul's hand and leant up against the wall under the steps they had just been sitting on.

"I can't tell you how I feel about you, I can't tell you and then have to walk away, because well I won't be able to, and you need to walk away and so do I..."

"But Craig I can't lose you as friend, your the only real friend I ever had, I can't do any of this without you"

Craig moved away from the wall to stand directly in front of John Paul "And you won't. I can be your friend. But this... this thing we have we can't let it... I don't wanna hurt anyone and I don't want to lie. I won't lie"

"You're already lying"

"Well we can make that right can't we? You can go back up there and you can make a choice John Paul, you can be honest with Chloe, with yourself and I can help you through it and maybe then we could even be together, but I won't do it like this, hiding away. I already spent too much time of my life feeling ashamed and I won't do that again"

Craig watched as John Paul moved away from Craig and turned he's back on him "I can't be like you. I can't just tell everyone and be comfortable and... do you have any idea what my family would say if I told them _this. _They would never understand this"

"What and you think my family did? You think we all had a big party after I told them all? My brother wouldn't even speak to me, my Mum still won't. I'm not saying you should go running around telling everyone, I'm just saying the sooner you stop lying to yourself about how you feel..."

"I just want this to go away. I just want to be like things were before..."

"You can't change this. Its who you are. And do you really wanna live your life like that?"

"You don't get it Craig! I can't be gay.. I can't stand there and tell Chloe, tell my Mum and my sisters that I am that. They expect me to be a certain way, and I can't disappoint them like that..."

"They might just surprise"

"Oh like your family did"

"Our families aren't the same and the fact of the matter is you don't know how they are gonna react"

"I've lived with them my whole life. I've heard the things they say and the way they are..."

Craig already knew John Paul's choice had been made. There was no way he would be able to be honest with anyone. Not now. He couldn't even stand here and say it to Craig. He knew that if he asked him right out, that John Paul couldn't say it. So what did he want? He had been kissing Craig but didn't want to admit it to anyone else, he didn't want anyone to ever know.

"So you'd never be able to be honest with them? With anyone?"

"I... I don't know..."

The music began to play again from inside, the sound of it filling the silence that had fallen between them. John Paul turned round to face him again. Craig could see him fighting against himself, he saw how much he wanted to move close to Craig again, but he also saw him walking away, if he already hadn't back into that party, wrapping he's arm around Chloe. But Craig knew what John Paul didn't, that even if he did walk up those steps, how he was feeling wouldn't go away, it wouldn't change everything he was feeling right now.

_how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you - would you tell me how could it be any better than this_

Craig could hear John Paul's name being called. The unmistakeable sound of Chloe's voice calling him. It snapped them both out of the gaze they held, and again John Paul was running from him and up the stairs. He could hear her laughing, and the footsteps as the two of them went back inside. He didn't want to go back in there. He wanted to find Tom. It was the only thought that came to him as soon as John Paul had walked away. He wanted to see him. To find out what was wrong, to have Tom make a comment and somehow make him feel better in the way he could. Craig began to walk round the outside of the building, knowing he could avoid seeing anyone else, hoping that Tom would still be standing by the door. As he approached all he could see was Michael, smoking a cigarette.

"Mikey... you seen Tom?"

He took a drag on he's cigarette "He left Craig. Said he wasn't feeling well and got a cab back"

Craig looked around, almost not believing Michael, checking to see if Tom had really left. "He just left? He didn't say anything..."

"He looked pretty upset" Micheal stepped away from the door slightly to stand by Craig's side. "Here" Michael pulled he's car keys from he's pocket and handed them to Craig "You can take my car. I can get back with the others"

Craig smiled and took the keys.

"Craig... he'll never admit it but I think he needs you more than anything. More than you need him. More than you realise"

Craig looked at him quizzically and opened his mouth to speak, but Michael had put his cigarette out and was already back inside the building before he had a chance to speak.

* * *

The journey was slow. Only to be made what felt slower by Craig constantly thinking about what Michael had meant by he's comment. Of course Craig knew how much Tom needed him. They needed each other. And why had Tom left? If they had a problem they would always talk, what could have made Tom back out of that now, and made him so upset that he would leave a party that he had been organising for weeks. He knew there had to be something that Tom wasn't telling him. And he had to find out. He didn't care if when he got back Tom was fast asleep, they were going to sort this out. Tom was the only one who could help him through all of this John Paul stuff, he was the only one who could understand. 

As Craig pulled up to the flat, he saw it was in complete darkness. What if he wasn't in? Where else would he have gone? Craig prayed he hadn't gone into town. He had been out with Tom before when he had felt down, he had been dragged out and watched Tom drink far too much and then go home with a complete stranger. At the time Craig hadn't understood Tom's behaviour, but as they had grown closer and Tom had revealed his past, his actions although wrong had made sense. Tom was avoiding facing up to the pain of how he felt, but somehow as they grew closer, Craig saw Tom change, but now with how upset he had seen Tom, he feared that Tom had gone back to how he behaved then.

As he walked through the flat, past his room and up the stairs. He hoped that Tom would be fast asleep in he's bed. He opened the door slightly and looked inside. The bed was made. And no Tom to be found. He thought about going out and looking for him, trying to find him. But where would he start? He could be anywhere. He made his way back down the stairs to his room. He would just wait. Wait for him to come back.

He stepped into his room and shut the door behind him, and moved across to his desk, he noticed straight away the picture of him and Tom missing.

"I remember the day I took this"

Craig turned round to see Tom sitting on his bed. Looking down at the picture he held in his hands.

"You were laughing at me because we had already attempted to take so many pictures and all I had done so far was cut our heads off in all of them"

Craig smiled at the memory "You told me to shut up and that the next one would be the best one and..."

"... you said it "they can't get any worse"" Tom turned to look at Craig. Craig could see that he had been crying. He stepped closer to his friend but Tom stood up straight away.

"I'm going to bed"

"No. You're not. You are gonna tell me what's going on. Please Tom, whatever it is, you can tell me and I'm worried are you okay please just tell me your okay"

"You know when I asked Jazzy about you moving in here, she told me it was a bad idea... and part of me knew she was right, but I didn't care. I just wanted you to be okay. I wanted to take care of you. I thought that..."

"Is that what this is about? She didn't want me living here?"

Tom shook his head "Craig... do you really still not get it? Do you not see why she thought you being here would be a bad idea? Why having you here..."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know it would cause so much trouble. Its just you asked and I thought, I thought its what you wanted..."

Tom moved closer to Craig "It is what I wanted"

"But you don't any more right? Is that what's upsetting you? Cos you and Jasmine want me to leave, but you didn't know how to tell me? It's okay I know what a pain in the arse I can be... you should have just said. I can get my stuff together and leave tomorrow its fine really..."

"Craig!" Craig stepped back slightly as he heard Tom's voice raise in a way he had never heard it before. "That's not... we don't want you to leave. I don't want you to leave"

Craig moved closer to Tom again as he heard his voice soften "Then what is... please tell me"

Craig watched as Tom moved closer to him, looking him straight in the eyes. Trying to speak to him just like that, trying to make him understand everything with just that one look.

"I saw you and John Paul tonight. On the steps..."

"Tom..."

"Just... let me finish please?" Craig nodded softly as Tom continued to speak "I realised something as I saw you kiss him and touch him..." Craig heard Tom's voice break as he spoke the last few words "I realised that no matter what I do, no matter how much I'm there for you or how much I talk to you ... you'll never look at me the way you looked at him. You'll never kiss me or touch me like that. You'll never want me like you want him, and it kills me, because you are the only thing, the only thing I want that much and I know that you'll never feel about me, the way I feel about you"

Craig stepped closer as the realisation dawned on him, with only inches between the two of them, he reached out and touched Tom's face softly, wiping away the tears that fell.

Why hadn't he seen this? So many times when they met he had let his mind wander, and think that somehow Tom would have felt that way about him, but soon after he came to realise that maybe they were only ever meant to be friends, that it was all Tom wanted from Craig. Why had Tom hidden this away for so long? And why had Craig been too blind to see it?

"When you came to stay here. I thought maybe, it would make things easier in some strange way. But it didn't. It just made things harder. You coming into my room, sleeping in my bed because you couldn't sleep. Do you know how many times I lay there watching you sleep, hoping you'd wake up and see me, tell me you... but I knew better really. That would never happen, you could never love me, not like I love you"

"I do. I do love you Tom. And I wish you would have told me how you felt. I should have known. I never should have put you in this position, come here and been so close with you, its just I mean... you and me has been the one thing I was so sure of all along and now... everythings changed"

Tom stepped forward, Craig saw some courage in Tom's face as his hands moved up to his face, holding it in his hands "No... it doesn't have to change... I don't want things to change. But I had to tell you, I mean I couldn't keep pretending, but now you know, we can move on and I can start to get over this..."

"You don't just get over something like this Tom, I know that much... and how can you? With me here so close..."

Tom stepped back and dropped his hands to his sides. "There's no way is there? No chance you'll ever love me like that?"

"Tom... I never... I mean I haven't thought about you and me like that for a long time... I never thought you'd feel that way about me... I wish you would have told me, because now..."

"John Paul" There was a bitterness in Tom's voice that was unrecognisable to Craig, with just those two words of his name Craig knew how much his constant talking about John Paul must have stung Tom, how seeing the two of them together earlier must have hurt him.

"No. It's not about him. This is about you and me"

"You were kissing him Craig"

"I know and it shouldn't have happened"

"Oh like the time you the two of you first met? You seem to make a lot of "mistakes" with him Craig... can't you see what his doing? His messing you around. He'll never be able to tell anyone how he feels about you... be with you for real" Tom stepped closer to Craig again "I wouldn't care who knew how much I love you..."

Craig couldn't deny the feelings between them. There had been something. It had always been there. A bond. A chemistry. And it felt good to be this close to someone. Someone who knew him. To know that someone loved him. That would choose him over anyone else. It felt good as Tom moved closer to him again, their faces only inches apart. Part of him was screaming that he shouldn't be giving into the feelings, that he wasn't sure of his own and doing this could only end up causing more pain. But there was another side of him that needed to feel this. That needed to feel something. Who needed to feel the warmth of Tom's hands as they moved under his shirt and up his back, feeling his skin underneath.

He leaned his head against Tom's as they held onto each other, neither of them wanting to break away from it. He felt Tom's face mouth slightly and he felt his breathe on his neck. "Just tell me you want me... tell me you want me and we don't have stop"

Craig closed his eyes "I do want you" He wasn't lying. In that moment he wanted Tom more than anything. He wanted to feel close to him. He felt the warm body move away from him and take hold of his hands and lead him to the bed. Craig sat down, he felt like he was lost in a daze as he watched Tom sit beside him and turn his face to meet his own. Craig could see all the love in Tom's eyes. He could see how much this meant to Tom, how much it meant that the two of them were like this. Craig was suddenly aware of what he was doing, as he watched Tom move closer to him, his lips meeting his own, he couldn't go back now. He didn't want to. It felt too good. Even the part of him telling himself it was wrong was quiet now.

He felt his back hit the mattress and Tom's body laying on top of his, their lips still locked together. Craig's hands now in Tom's hair, pulling at it as the kiss grew more passionate. Tom pulled away and smiled down at Craig. A smile that was new to Craig, one that seemed more happy and content than he had ever seen before, and the thought that Craig had been able to make Tom feel that way made him happy. That he could do that for Tom.

Tom never looked away from Craig as he slowly began to unbutton his shirt, only looking away once he had pushed the fabric off of Craig's chest, only to look down at the body that lay under him. He quickly glanced up to Craig again, with the same smile, almost asking Craig for permission, asking him if this was what he really wanted.

The answer was clear as Craig looked back at him with the same smile as before, and then Tom's eyes looking at his were gone. He felt Tom kiss down his chest softly, holding onto his body as he did so, touching every part of his body before kissing it.

Craig closed his eyes. No matter what Tom said. Everything was changing. _Everything. _There was no going back. Not now. Craig had stopped questioning if he should be doing this, he stopped questioning what was right or wrong as he completely gave himself over to the feeling of being this close to someone, all he knew was he needed this.

_find me here and speak to me - I want to feel you - I need to hear you - you are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace again_


	20. Stay Away

Craig opened his eyes slowly, before shutting them again, as the light drifting through the curtains hurt his eyes. He sat up quickly, thinking he had to be up and out the house for college, but as the realisation hit in that it was Sunday he slowly leant back against his bed, feeling his head hit the pillow he closed his eyes and rolled over onto his side, reaching his arm out across the other side of his bed, the usually empty side if his bed.

But this morning it wasn't.

He opened his eyes slowly again to see who was laying next to him. He felt for sure that the whole thing had been some kind of dream. The entire night had seemed that way, everything about it had a feeling to it that you could be pulled out of it at any moment. But as Craig watched Tom breathing in and out softly, he chest rising and falling, he knew that this wasn't a dream.

He moved the arm away that had been resting across Tom's chest, he moved slightly closer to him, watching the small smile that formed on Tom's face. Craig couldn't help but smile, he couldn't help but feel happy waking up like this with Tom.

But a feeling in his stomach soon replaced the feeling of happiness that he had. Last night everything had seemed so clear to him, it had seemed so clear what it was that he wanted, he wanted Tom. But only hours before he had been kissing John Paul, wanting John Paul and again being rejected by him, not being his choice.

He didn't want to think that he was capable of just being with Tom because he couldn't have John Paul. Craig loved Tom, and last night had been amazing. He had been completely with Tom, only thinking of Tom. But now why in the cold light of day was his thoughts wandering back to John Paul?

Why was he feeling like he may have made a huge mistake and possible ruined the best friendship he had ever had.

He looked up at Tom's face again, and lifted his body up, so he could look down at him, taking in every feature. He felt like he was looking at him for the first time. Seeing things he didn't notice before. There was a small scar above his left eyebrow, one he could only assume he had got through childhood. He lifted his had up and gently ran his fingertips over it.

Maybe it wasn't a mistake? Maybe it was just the wake up call he had needed. There was no denying the chemistry between him and Tom, there was no denying the affection and love they had for each other, and the truth was Craig did have fears, but the one thing he did know was that he didn't want to get up from this bed. He didn't want to move away from Tom or have Tom leave. He could have stayed and watched him sleeping all day.

Perhaps this was how everything was meant to be. He knew he needed to move on from John Paul. That there was no use in wanting someone who would never be able to fully give themselves to you, so maybe this had been exactly what Craig had needed, the realisation that Tom could give him all those things. And he knew Tom loved him and would always be there for him. Where as all John Paul had done was confuse him.

He continued to trail his fingers down Tom's face, before resting over his lips. Everything about last night seemed hazy. Everything seemed to merge into something else, still like it wasn't quite real. Maybe this between him and Tom wasn't the same he had felt with John Paul, but did it mean that it wasn't meant to be? Craig had spent so much time focusing on the feelings that John Paul had made him feel, when really all he had needed was right in front of him.

So what if when he had kissed Tom, it hadn't felt the same, there hadn't been the same passion and need for each other, there had been something else in it. An affection and love of two people that knew each other completely. It felt comfortable. And what was wrong with that? Most people spend their entire lives searching for something just like that. Someone to feel that way with. And he had had that person all along. He loved Tom. Tom loved him.

Tom was _in _love with him.

Craig sighed and rolled over onto his back as the overwhelming feeling consumed him. Was he in love with Tom? He had always believed that if you questioned being in love with someone, then you weren't. You just know. Maybe just loving him was enough. It could be enough. But it wouldn't be fair. He couldn't live like that, knowing that Tom completely was in love with him, and to Craig it was just a love, a love that he needed and wanted and had been to weak to say no.

Craig felt like getting up and running out of the room. The fear completely consuming him. He didn't know what to do. Half of him was wishing this had never happened, but the other half of him had wanted Tom, and still did want Tom. The only thing conflicting those feelings was the ones he had for John Paul. The feelings he was comparing his feelings for Tom to.

But how could he? They were completely different. And as happy he felt in John Paul's company and the feelings he evoked in him, he still didn't know John Paul, not like he knew Tom. And the one thing he knew was that Tom would never hurt him, and he just didn't know if he could say the same thing about John Paul.

He rolled over onto his side again to look at the man lying next to him, only to be greeted by two green eyes looking back into his own. He watched as the small smile on Tom's face faded to one of worry as he saw Craig. Craig moved closer to Tom, their faces inches apart.

"Lets hear it then.." Tom sighed "Let's hear the whole this was a big mistake speech..."

"Tom..."

"I can't say I wasn't expecting it..."

Tom's voice was low and whispering, and it sent shivers through Craig, a feeling he had never had before with Tom. He felt like he was only just realising what had happened between the two of them last night, that regardless of anything else it was one of the best nights of his life.

"Shut up" Craig smiled "Just shut up"

Craig leaned forward and kissed Tom's lips softly before pulling away to look into his eyes.

"I thought maybe you'd be freaking out"

"Well. Not gonna lie, have been laying here for the last 10 minutes doing just that, but also thinking how amazing it was being with you. And also slightly terrified because I don't know what to say..."

_Are you not the slightest bit confused? Just the truth - __the speed at which we move blends so well - it's too soon_

Tom nodded before moving his body closer to Craig's. Craig felt Tom's arm move around his back and pushing them closer together.

"Just be honest... because well I kinda put myself out there last night.. and well you know how I feel, and I mean I know you love me. But [i_this[/i_ its different, there's loving someone and then there's this and well if your feeling that maybe something you wanted last night you don't want now then you know its fine, just tell me..."

Craig shook his head "It's not like that. Last night I wanted you. I wanted to be with you. And now I still feel that" Craig moved his arm around and placed it on Tom's back, moving closer and pressing their foreheads together.

_Separate yourself from what compels you to relinquish us - push your way on to me, entirely_

"I can't not have you in my life..."

"Craig... whatever you feel you'll never not have me in your life. But I need to know that this _really _is what you want... because last night you were kissing John Paul, someone who I know you really like and you can't just switch those feelings off, believe me I know that better than anyone. And I don't want to be something you settled with because you couldn't have what you really wanted..."

"That's not what this is"

"Really? Because if it is, then you can tell me, even if last night did mean something..."

"It does. It does mean something. Tom I don't know what to say about John Paul, since I first met him it felt like there was this pull that kept drawing me to him, but last night when I was standing there talking to him I realised that right now, his just not where I am. His confused and his unsure of what he wants..."

"Sounds like his exactly where you are"

_Stay away from me - stay away from me now - less you gonna see - less you gonna see me out_

"I just mean that I realised all I can be to him right now is a friend, if he wants me to be. The feelings that we have for one another they aren't something that we can... I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be anyone's secret"

Tom nodded "And with me you know you would never be that. Maybe that's half the reason this appeals to you so much"

Craig moved back slightly "Why are you trying so hard to find a fault in this?"

"I'm trying to protect myself Craig"

"You know I would never hurt you"

Tom sighed frustrated and sat up from the bed, Craig watched as he pulled the trousers on he had been wearing from the night before and moved towards the door.

"Tom... don't just walk out... what did I say wrong?"

"Nothing. And I know you would never hurt me. Not intentionally. But these past few months have been hell. And I know I should have been honest with you and told you, but I just I didn't want this..." Tom motioned between the two of them "This awkwardness, this feeling of not being quite sure of what to say... your the only thing I've ever really wanted, and I tried so hard to never let myself believe that we would ever be like this, but then you would say things and sleep in my bed and I could feel my mind start to wander, to start to believe that there was a small chance that something could happen. But it was never like last night. They were always just you and me together, alone somewhere, it didn't matter where, and you would just lean over and kiss me like you had known all along exactly how I had been feeling. Last night at the party made me realise just how oblivious to my feelings that you've been, you never would have known if I hadn't told you last night. Last night never would have happened if I hadn't of kissed you and lead you to your bed. I should have known better I shouldn't have done that..."

_No, I can't dance less it's slow or sad - to a song that's far less obvious - i__f your using me, do it slowly - make it last until I have to go_

Tom sat up from the bed quickly and walked across the room straight to where Tom was standing "Last night was amazing. I wanted that to happen, you may have initiated it. But there's no way that I would have wanted it not to happen, you didn't do anything wrong. You were amazing"

Craig took hold of Tom's hand and held it in his. "We were amazing"

Tom stepped closer to Craig and moved his arms around his back again, holding on tightly to him, Craig rested his head into Tom's neck, taking in the smell of him, the feel of his long hair against his face. He kissed along his neck and up along his jawline, before stopping as their faces met, looking deep into his eyes, kissing him softly, waiting for Tom to return the kiss he had started. He felt Tom's mouth open allowing the kiss to deepen further. As they pulled apart, Craig smiled softly.

"I don't know what any of this means Tom. I wish I could give you an explanation, but this feels right. It feels right standing here with you like this being with you like this, and to be honest. I don't want to question it, or analysis or wonder why its happening. I don't care. I just know I want you and I want to be with you, anything past that I can't say. I hope that's enough for you"

Tom nodded "Its enough" Craig kissed Tom quickly before pulling back again to see Tom smile brightly. He took hold of Tom's hand again and pulled him towards the bed. He sat down on the edge of the bed, and looked up at Tom. He felt terrified again. Terrified of what this meant. It meant that everything had changed. And there was no going back now. There was no second guessing feelings, and the realisation of the fact that he was exactly where he wanted to be.


	21. Beautiful Lie

_**December 24th 2006**_

_John Paul wasn't in the mood for a party. He had spent the whole day arguing with his Mum and sisters about anything they could seem to find fault in. All he had wanted to do was lock himself in his room, the one place he could escape anyone getting to him. But that all changed when Chloe had turned up at the house, determined to drag him out to a party at Mark's house. Before John Paul had even been able to open his mouth, his Mum had answered for him and was practically being pushed out the door by her and pulled out of it by Chloe._

_He had zoned out as Chloe began talking about how excited she was for him to open the present she had got him, and how she was looking forward to spending Christmas Day family at his house. He heard pieces of her speech as he looked around the bleakness of the estate he lived on. Was this really all there was for him? Was this going to be his life forever?_

_He could feel Chloe excitedly pulling on his arm, and he suddenly felt so irritated, he just wanted to pull his arm away and run off as fast as he could. He didn't want to go to this party and yet he still found himself going just to make someone else happy._

_As they arrived he plastered the fake smile he had spent years perfecting on his face, and greeted all his friends, Crystal came bounding over to Chloe and started talking excitedly about Christmas and then turned and gave Mark a small wave before turning the conversation to Chloe. John Paul looked to Mark who waved at him casually before continuing the conversation he was in with someone he hadn't seen before, his friends were not good with welcoming new people into their group, in fact they never talked to anyone outside their circle of friends._

_John Paul could hear Chloe and Crystal talking, her turned to look at them, Crystal was beaming, talking about her Mark's plans for Christmas. He wondered if she would be so happy if she knew how many times her boyfriend had cheated on her in the last year. How Mark would brag to him about all the girls he had slept with behind Crystals back. _

_Mark was now making his way over to John Paul, with his new friend. He introduced him as Scott before going to stand with Crystal. As it turned out Scott was the only interesting person at the party that night, he was cousins with Crystal and was staying with the family for Christmas before he went back down to London. Crystal had laughed and interrupted their conversation saying how she knew they would get along, blabbing on about music and DJing all night. John Paul hated that his friends were like that, at least Scott was doing something with his life. What were they all doing sitting around waiting for something to change. Something to happen that never would._

_He had to get out of the house that now felt as it was closing in around him. He made his way through the room after excusing himself to Scott, and opened the front door quickly shutting it behind him as he left. He moved up the road away from the sound of whatever it was they were calling music that week blared out the house._

_He hated how fake it all was. How fake he had become. He hadn't always felt that way. He remembered a time when he felt like he fitted in, like he belonged to something special that a lot of people would have loved to have had in their lives. But over the past few weeks he had seen himself grow even more detached from his friends, finding it a hardship to be able to relate to them, and as the time went on he wasn't even sure he wanted to be able to relate himself to people like that because in truth he didn't want to be like them at all._

_He sat down on a wall a few houses down and looked up and down the road, there was no one else about and the faint sound of the music from down the road started filling the air._

_Even Chloe, someone who he had always been so happy with, was starting to blend in with them, become someone he wasn't sure he liked any more, let alone wanted to be with. Then a realisation hit John Paul. Maybe it wasn't them that had changed. Maybe it was him. Maybe they had always been that way but he was just starting to realise that he didn't like that, and that somewhere along the way he had changed and found himself moving away from them, detaching himself from them._

_But what else was there? He had no one else. They were the only friends he had ever had, and maybe those friends was better than having no friends._

"_I see you're enjoying the party as much as I am"_

_John Paul looked up to see the new friend he had made that night looking down at him, holding out a drink for him to take. Scott sat down next to him and sighed._

"_I said I didn't want to come tonight, but my aunt and uncle practically pushed me out the door"_

"_My Mum and sisters did the exact same thing to me"_

_John Paul took a sip of his drink, and turned to look at the profile of the man sitting next to him. He admired him, there were so many things about him that he wished he could be. There was a confidence and happiness in himself that John Paul only wished he could have. He could see by just looking at Scott that he belonged somewhere, it most defienetly wasn't here, but that's what made it stand out even more, he stood out amongst all those people in there, all of them exactly the same and here was someone daring to be different, that he admired more than anything._

"_Its not fun is it? Being forced out the house and made to come to parties full of people that don't even know you"_

_Scott turned to look at John Paul. He must have noticed John Paul staring because as he turned a smile spread across his face. And it said so many things, it was full of such understanding._

"_Well don't quote me on this but, I do know all those people in there"_

"_But they don't know you do they?"_

_John Paul turned away. The truth in the statement making him completely lose his train of thought._

"_I mean no doubt you're looking at me and thinking that guy does not belong here. But I've got news for you. Neither do you. I was watching you in there, you looked like you'd rather be anywhere else but there, and those people are meant to be your friends?"_

"_Its just been a shit day. I wasn't in the mood for any party and like I said I got dragged here"_

_John Paul still couldn't turn to face Scott. The truth in every single word he spoke was like a dagger in his chest. It hurt to actually hear someone say those things to him, to hear someone tell him the truth so brutally, a truth that he found hard enough telling to himself. _

_He felt the warmth of the body next to him move away "You remind me of me not so long ago John Paul. Completely trapped" John Paul didn't know how he managed it but he finally found some courage to look up at Scott who was now standing up looking at him just a few steps away "But you'll get there. Just like I did"_

_With that he had walked away back to the party, he heard the music go louder and then quieter again as the door was opened then closed, and he looked back into his now empty cup. He knew he had to go back to the party. Go back inside and put the smile back on his face, if he didn't there would only be questioning as to why he left and where he went, and just the thought of that exhausted him, it was just easy to go back, fade into the background and put on the front he had been doing for so long._

_Lie awake in bed at night and think about your life - do you want to be different?_

**_Present Day_**

John Paul opened his eyes and sat up quickly. He kept having that same dream. Reliving the same moment over and over again. It had been on his mind for a while now, for some reason that night playing in his head repeatedly. He turned to his side to see Chloe still curled up asleep and he sighed.

When he had got home that Christmas Eve he had made a promise to himself, to start to change, to make something of himself, to do something different. But as he looked around his room, he realised that everything was exactly the same. It was a different room, a different place – but he hadn't changed. He was still terrified. And still stuck.

The truth was as much as he knew he had to break out of it, part of him was even terrified to do that. It meant he could possibly lose everything he had come to hold closest to him. He knew he would lose Chloe. He knew if they carried on as they were, the relationship would destruct and John Paul would emerge as the bad guy, the person who ended up hurting her.

And he didn't want it to be like that. He didn't want to hurt her any more, but he knew with everyday he stayed with her, with every I love you that he lied to her, he knew by just doing those things, he was hurting her. And he knew what he had to do, he knew he finally had to find some kind of courage for once in his life to do the right thing. Not to be a coward.

_Try to let go of the truth - the battles of your youth - cause this is just a game_

Craig had been the only one to test him on it. To question him about it. And he found some strength in that, because he held onto the hope that perhaps Craig had some faith in him that he would do the right thing, that Craig believed in him. And that made him even more motivated, because he wanted to the kind of person that deserved that feeling from Craig, that deserved the faith he gave him, because right now he knew he wasn't.

At first Craig stopping their kiss last night had angered John Paul, but this morning he understood why he had. He understood that Craig wanted more than that for himself, even though his feelings were just as strong as John Paul's, Craig had a strength that John Paul didn't have. He was able to stop that moment, and give John Paul a choice. And John Paul's anger again had made him walk away from Craig, at the time he couldn't see how Craig could cut himself off so quickly from such intense feelings, but now John Paul saw it for what it was.

It wasn't Craig cutting himself off, it was Craig protecting himself. He didn't want to be another victim of the pain that John Paul was causing people, another part of the lie John Paul was living.

He had done the right thing stopping the kiss. No matter how much they both wanted more, it had been the right thing to do. And John Paul now hoped that he would be able to do just that, the right thing. In the hopes that one day maybe Craig would look at him like he had before he kissed him last night. Want him like he had last night.

He felt Chloe stirring next to him and he stood up from the bed and walked across the room, sitting in the chair near his desk. He knew she would wake up soon and come over to him stand in front of him, take his hands in hers and kiss them lightly. No doubt then asking them what they would do before she had to leave. And it was now or never. He had to do this otherwise she would get in that car and go back home and he would never be able to do this.

_It's a beautiful lie - it's the perfect denial such a beautiful lie to believe in_

Almost as if on cue he felt her hands grip his, he held onto them tightly and looked up into her eyes. He couldn't help but smile back at her as a small smile grew across her face. There was no denying the affection there, he loved her in a way that he always had and always would, and he no doubt could have carried on in the lie, maybe even be happy living his life like that, part of him wanted that just for her, so he knew she would be happy. But she deserved more than that, she deserved someone who really loved her, that would do anything to be with her and that person wasn't John Paul.

"I'm not leaving till this afternoon... you want to do something?" Chloe dropped John Paul's hands and moved over to her bag near the bed and started pulling out clothes "Maybe we could go and see Craig before we go, his such a sweet guy, we didn't see much of him last night... he left right after Tom. I think there might be something going on there you know..."

John Paul watched her as she continued to talk, he stood up from the chair and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her tightly, feeling her lean back against him.

"What's got into you?"

John Paul took a breathe "Chlo... we need to talk, well I need to talk and I really need you to listen"

"John Paul you know you can tell me anything"

The words only made everything harder. Because the truth was he couldn't. It wasn't her fault, maybe it was his, he had never let himself open up to her, never felt like he wanted to talk to her about how he really felt. Not for so long.

"This. You and me. I think we need to finish things" The grip she had on his arms that were resting across her stomach loosened, but he didn't let her move, he still held onto her.

"I think we both know, that this hasn't been working for a while. And its my fault I should have told you sooner, I let you carry believing I felt the same, even when you suspected I didn't I always managed to convince you that I did. I've been selfish and I've been holding onto you for all the wrong reasons, you deserve more than that Chloe. You deserve more than me"

"But... things have been okay recently. They've been better. We've both been really trying..."

"The reason its easier Chloe is because we hardly ever see each other. Your there and I'm here and when we see each other its easy to pretend that its working, we slip back into normal mode and just go through all the motions almost automatically. And I do love you but its not right, you've been the closest thing I've had to a real friend for the last few years, and part of me was terrified of doing this because I know I'm probably gonna lose you"

"John Paul... I love you... I don't want this to end, I thought... we have all these plans for the future, they can't just have changed over night"

John Paul shook his head "They were never real" he heard Chloe let out a small sob and she moved away from him, walking across the room to stand near the chair he had just been sitting in.

_It's time to forget about the past to wash away what happened last - hide behind an empty face don't ask too much, just say_

"They aren't my dreams. They may be yours, but not mine. You never once asked me if any of that was what I wanted, I just went along with it, because I wanted you to be happy. Like I've always done with everyone, like I always do... and I can't do any more. I'm tired Chloe. I'm tired of going along with everyone else because I don't want to to hurt anyone else, of letting everyone else decide things for me and of being too afraid to admit who I am"

"But that's just who you are John Paul... there's nothing wrong with that, you've always looked out for everyone else above yourself its who you are"

"But why should it be? What about me?"

"That's a pretty selfish attitude"

"I have spent all my life not being selfish. Never doing anything I wanted, letting everyone else control me, and I'm sick of it and I'm not doing it any more"

"I don't understand how you can just wake up and suddenly feel this way..."

"I haven't decided this over night Chloe! I've been carrying this around for months now, and you didn't even notice. No one did"

A silence filled the room as John Paul finished speaking. Chloe slumped down into the chair, defeated. There was nothing left for him to say. Anything else would have been lost on Chloe, as she struggled to even grasp that this wasn't what he wanted any more.

"Is that why you would treat me like that? Because you were angry with me? Making you stay with someone who you couldn't even..."

He shook his head and stepped closer to her "This isn't about you. Its me. And when I spoke to you those times I did, I wasn't angry with you. I was angry with me, for letting things get that far..."

"So why not finish it then John Paul? Why carry on for so long? We sat there not even a month ago on that bed and I asked you. I asked you if this was what you really wanted... if you still wanted me, I wanted to walk away then, but you made me see that what we had is worth fighting for, we can be good together John Paul I know we can... and you know that too..."

"You were right that day Chloe. But that day I was scared, and I wasn't ready to let you go, but I know I have to"

She was crying now with every word he spoke and she placed her head in her hands. John Paul knew this was going to be hard, that she would question him. She was good at getting him to see things her way, but she couldn't win at this. All he thought of was Craig and the strength he had given him to do this, and he held onto the reasons why, that he might one day deserve Craig.

"It's over Chloe"

_Everyone's looking at me I'm running around in circles - a quiet desperation's building higher_

John Paul moved across the room and stood in front of her, reaching out his arms. She fell into them and sobbed into his chest "And you know its for the best"

She tried to form words between the tears, her voice breaking as she spoke "I know, I just didn't..."

Her voice broke off again as her tears overwhelmed her. They stood there for a while. Chloe resting in his arms, her crying growing quieter and quieter. Until they were both silent, and he suddenly felt the loss of her in his arms.

"I should go..."

"You don't have to go straight away..."

"Yeah I really do..."

She moved away from him and picked up the clothes she had placed on the bed. John Paul picked up some jeans from the chair.

"I'll give you some time"

He pulled on the jeans and left the room slowly. As he shut the door, he was sure he heard her begin to cry again, and part of him thought he should go back inside and stay with her, but they were tears she clearly needed to cry alone. Tears for herself, not for the loss of her and John Paul.

The house was unusually quiet, and when he stepped down the final stair into the living room he found it empty. He was happy for the solitude, which in this house he usually had to fight for.

When he reached the fridge he found a note for him and Chloe stating that the McQueen women had gone out for the day and that there was no milk. He sighed and let out a small laugh. Only could his Mum and sisters make him laugh and be annoyed with them all at the same time. He pulled his jacket on and made his way out the door to buy milk. He used it as an excuse to get out of the confines of the house. To give Chloe sometime alone.

While there was a sadness he felt for Chloe. The feeling of relief for himself completely overtook any other emotion he had. Maybe it wasn't a big step. But he felt like he had finally taken the first one, and the person he wanted to tell more than anyone was Craig. As he walked to the store it was pretty much all he had been able to think about. He wondered what his reaction would be, if he would be proud of him for being able to be honest with her.

He pulled his mobile from his pocket, hopeful that if he text him the two of the could meet up and talk, it was more an excuse just to be able to see him again, and almost as if fate had somehow read his mind he saw Craig standing outside the shop, his coat firmly wrapped around him, shivering slightly. John Paul smiled brightly, he knew Craig hadn't seen him yet, and he was happy to watch as Craig's face changed expression every now and then. Then he saw it break out into a smile. And John Paul wished that he was closer so he could appreciate it fully, so he could watch his face closely.

_It's a beautiful lie_

The feeling soon changed, as he saw that the smile was provoked by someone else, someone now standing opposite Craig. And Craig's expression changed again, his face softened and his body moved closer to the man... that moment John Paul realised who it was. Tom. He watched them share that moment. Two friends so close and comfortable with one another. And John Paul hated it. He hated that Tom could make Craig smile like that, that Craig could lean so close to him and Tom wouldn't flinch even with all the people that surrounded. He hated that every look and touch they shared seem to hold some undertone.

He couldn't stand it any more and he felt his feet begin to move from where they were standing. But stop almost instantly again when he saw Tom lean in and kiss Craig.

It was one of those moments when you wanted the ground to open up and swallow you. Or where you wanted to wake up and have the whole thing have been some kind of dream. Or for Craig to turn and look at John Paul and laugh like it was all one big joke.

_It's the perfect denial_

But the way Craig leant into Tom, the way his hands rested on Tom's back, John Paul knew that this moment was real and that nothing was going to snap him out of it. And he felt sick. A feeling grew inside of him that he had never felt before. A feeling like he wanted to run over and rip Tom away from Craig and ask him what the hell he was doing. Find out what the hell Craig was doing.

Hadn't they just been together last night, Craig and John Paul. Kissing. Craig had kissed him. And now he was watching this play out in front of him. He couldn't look any more and he turned away, no thought of where he was going or what he was going to do.


	22. Sympathy

Avoiding McQueen women was not an easy task. Particularly if they had something they wanted to know about. But it was a skill that John Paul had mastered from a very young age. And today was most certainly the one time he needed to use that to his full advantage. He stayed away from the house for as long as possible, knowing that Chloe would want some time. He walked around in an almost daze like state. Everything from the night before and that day suddenly taking its toll. And the fresh confusion of having seen Tom and Craig together.

When he finally went back to the house. Chloe was already gone. And the questions started as soon as he walked through the door. A chorus of "Where's Chloe?" was the first thing he heard. He felt like ignoring them all and just running straight up to his room. But without even thinking his mouth opened and yet more lies came pouring out. He didn't mention a word about the break up. Just said she had left early. They asked more questions, but those ones he ignored and ran up to his room. He shut his door and bolted the lock straight away.

He looked around the room. All trace of Chloe's presence was gone. It was almost like she had never been there, never even been in his life. He should have felt some kind of relief. He should have felt something. But he didn't. She was gone and the truth was he wasn't sure he even cared. He had been holding onto the lie for so long that whether Chloe was there or not seemed to feel irrelevant. She was gone, out of his life, but the lie would still remain, because finishing with Chloe was only the start. And now he didn't know where to go from here.

_Stranger than your sympathy this is my apology I'm killing myself from the inside out and all my fears have pushed you out_

The only person he wanted to talk to was Craig. The only person he thought could even begin to understand how he was feeling was Craig. And after what he had just seen. He didn't know how to feel. Was he allowed to feel jealous? Because he did. Was he allowed to be angry that just the night before Craig had been kissing him, holding him, and now seemed to have forgotten that so quickly.

And thats when a realisation slowly crept over John Paul. Craig may have been oblivious to Tom's feelings, but John Paul was not. He had seen it last night in the moment he had interrupted. He had seen what would have happened if he had walked away, and thats what made John Paul stop it. Selfishly he interrupted the moment when Tom would tell Craig how he felt and he had been successful, he had got Tom to leave and he was alone with Craig again. And that pull between them had once again taken control, but again John Paul's fears had caused him to run away. The sound of Chloe's voice calling him, snapping him out of what he really wanted to drag him back to a reality that held him trapped.

John Paul had made this happen. He had pushed Craig away, and maybe Craig finally realised that he just wasn't worth it. Maybe he saw that he deserved someone who wasn't running scared. Someone like Tom.

_Stranger than your sympathy - I take these things so I don't feel I'm killing myself from the inside out - now my head's been filled with doubt_

He heard a small tapping on his door and leant his back against it. He couldn't do this. He couldn't go out there and sit with his family and smile and act like everything was okay. Because everything wasn't okay and he could feel himself falling apart. What was he supposed to do now? He had finished with Chloe, but had he really been honest? He had told her how he felt, but not the real reason, not the truth as to why they could never work. And he knew, deep down he knew thats what he had to do. He had to finally be honest. But he didn't know how, and he didn't want to have to do it alone. He couldn't even find the courage to say it to himself let alone anyone else.

_It's hard to lead the life you choose - when all your luck's run out on you - you can't see when all your dreams are coming true_

The tapping on his door continued. And he slide down the door. He could feel the tears forming behind his eyes, but he didn't want to cry. He tried desperately to hold them back, to stop his body from shaking as he held back the sobs. He's voice broke as he began to speak "Mum... I'll come down later"

He heard a soft sigh from the other side of the door and then sound of hands resting on it. "John Paul.. its me"

He should have expected it really. It was stupid of him to even be surprised at hearing Craig's voice. Fate seemed to like playing cruel tricks on John Paul. Why was it he felt like Craig always turned up when he was at his worst? Broken and hurt. There he was standing in his doorway, leaning against it, a genuinely concerned sounding voice.

It wasn't even like he could pretend he wasn't there. He had spoken. How could he face him now? How could he tell him that he had just finished with Chloe because of the strength he had given him.

"John Paul... are you okay? Can I come in?"

_It's easy to forget you choke on the regrets - who the hell did I think I was_

He stood up abruptly and slowly unlocked the door, pulling it open before moving across the room to his decks. He'd be okay if he just didn't turn and look at him, if he just focused on something else. No matter what questions Craig threw at him, no matter what he said he knew he could cope as long as he didn't turn and face him. He heard his door close and waited for Craig to speak.

The atmosphere seemed to change as soon as Craig entered the room. He could feel Craig's gaze on him and he fought with everything he had to turn around and look at him.

"Are you okay? I thought maybe Chloe would be here... but your Mum she said that she left early... is everything okay... are you okay?"

John Paul remained focused on what he was doing, looking through his records, deciding on what one to play. He plastered a fake smile on his face through his tears as he spoke "Yeah everythings great. I'm great" It didn't even sound convincing he knew that much himself, but he had years of perfecting that voice, that smile, and it worked with everyone else.

"You don't sound great and why won't you look at me?"

But John Paul seemed to have forgotten that Craig wasn't everybody else. He was Craig. Someone who since they had first met had been able to make him feel things, and talk to him like he never had with anyone before and no matter how hard he tried to fight all those things he knew, he just knew eventually they were going to win out. And all he could think about was whether Craig was thinking the same things. He thought that he had been, he thought that he was. Maybe the kiss he had witnessed earlier between Craig and Tom had been nothing. He had been seeing more than he needed to, because he felt for sure that there was something between Craig and him, John Paul couldn't believe that it was one sided he knew that it was more than that, Craig had proved that much by kissing him last night.

_Stranger than your sympathy - all these thoughts you stole from me - I'm not sure where I belong - nowheres home and I'm all wrong_

He felt Craig's hand touch his shoulder, and all he wanted to do was turn around and sink into his arms for comfort, instead he shook the hand of his shoulder almost aggressively and walked across his room to stand at the end of his bed.

"Can you just leave please..."

"No. No... I.. I don't want to. Has something happened?"

"Has something happened?" John Paul turned round, the tone of his voice clearly startling Craig "Craig my life is falling apart. Do you have any idea how hard this is for right now? I was doing fine before I came here. I was happy. And you... I meet you and all these feelings that I don't want. _You _made me feel this way, and now I can't take it back can I? Because all I'm thinking about is you..." He couldn't stop the tears now as the fell freely down his face "I am always doing the wrong thing, I've hurt Chloe.. for what? To be alone feeling like this? And now she's gone and I can't take it back and its all your fault"

"How is this my fault? Because you're going to have to explain that one to me John Paul. How you feel is how _you _feel I can't change that. You think I wanted this? You think I need this? I was doing okay before I met you as well you know..."

"Well there's our answer right there isn't it? Just get out of my life. I don't need this, I can get back to who I was back then, and be happy..."

_I wasn't all the things I tried to make believe I was_

"You think cutting me out of your life is going to magically make everything okay? It doesn't work that way John Paul, don't you get it? You aren't angry with me... you're angry with you because too much of a coward to admit who you really are"

John Paul slumped down onto his bed. He felt defeated. Why was he arguing with Craig? Why was he picking a fight with the one person who could help him like no one else could. Why was he trying to get rid of the person who understood him like no one else. His head fell into his hands.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean any of that... I didn't..."

John Paul heard Craig's footsteps as he moved across the room and stood in front of him. "I know" Craig sighed and knelt down, John Paul could feel his hands being pulled from his face and wrapped tightly in Craig's "You think I haven't been here John Paul? Felt like this? Don't shut me out please, let me help you"

John Paul looked down into Craig's eyes, he could see the same look in them from the night before, no one had ever looked at him that way before, no one had ever been able to make him feel like everything could be okay with just one look.

"Tell me what happened"

"I broke up with Chloe this morning. All I could think about was last night, and what you said.." John Paul closed his eyes "How I felt kissing you. On the way back she was talking to Hannah about what our plans were after college, and I realised none of them included what I wanted to do, it was all what she wanted, what she had dreamed. And I felt like I always do, like I just don't matter... and that moment with you just kept playing over and over in my mind and how I felt like I mattered, that someone actually cared about me..."

_I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted_

John Paul opened his eyes to look at Craig again, he had moved and now was level with John Paul, looking directly in his eyes. "I do care about you"

John Paul nodded "But thats not why your here is it? You didn't come here to talk about me... or ask me how I am..." Craig shook his head, his hands still holding on tightly to John Paul's "Its okay, just tell me I can... just say it"

John Paul looked closely at Craig's face. Accepting that this might be the last time he would be this close to him. He moved his face forward slightly, wanting to be that bit closer to him. Wanting to look into those eyes. Craig's eyes were looking down at their entwined hands.

"Craig. Look at me"

_All the talk and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me_

His eyes met John Paul's, now Craig's eyes were filled with tears "Everything changed last night and as much as I need to stay here with you like this... I know I can't. I have to know John Paul, me and Tom, I have to know if... if what we have can work..." Craig shook his head "And I don't want to hurt anyone, I want to see it through..."

"There's a difference between what you need and what you want... because I need you... I don't think I can do this without you"

Craig rested his forehead against John Paul's "You won't have to. But I'm with Tom and you and me..."

"You and me"

The bravery that Craig had planted last night seemed to re-emerge, he moved his hand to rest on Craig's face, moving round to his neck, softly stroking the skin, moving his hands up to run his fingers through Craig's hair. He closed his eyes and felt Craig's breathe mingling with his own, he felt Craig's hands move from in between their bodies and grab at the fabric of the front of John Paul's t-shirt, pulling the two of them closer together, resting his face into John Paul's neck.

John Paul lost track of time, as they stay there like that. John Paul still felt confused by so many things and scared, but he did know that Craig would be there for him, no matter what happened, that was the one thing he was sure of.


	23. Save Yourself

John Paul didn't realise that even when you felt completely stuck, time could pass you by so quickly. How it was easy when people asked you if you were okay to just smile and say yes, even if inside you were screaming the exact opposite. After sitting with Craig in his room two weeks ago and the question from Craig had been left lingering in the air, John Paul paced around his room, wishing he had an answer, wishing he could tell Craig exactly what he was going to do next. It was one thing to stand in front of Craig and be honest with him, that was easy, it felt natural. Almost like he had no control over it. But to stand in front of his family. His Mum. He knew he wasn't ready for that. He may have gained some courage. But not enough for that.

One thing he did know, was that he felt a certain amount of calm within himself. Throughout his relationship with Chloe, he had always felt on edge, like he had no control over anything in his life, it wasn't that he didn't feel the loss of her in his life, he did, but with it came a feeling of freedom. Like everything had somehow changed, even though no one else around him knew it, he did. And he could feel everything changing.

As always the questioning from his family continued, asking why Chloe hadn't called the house, why he hadn't called her. He didn't know why he hadn't told them about the break up. Why he still wanted them to believe they were together, the words just wouldn't seem to leave his mouth when he was around them, and he found himself yet again making up another lie, just one more to add to the long list he was making.

He found himself constantly going back and forwards with his moods. That he was always conflicted with how he should be feeling. There were times when he sat with his family and he felt lucky and thankful and a feeling would sweep over him of being content with the love they had for him, but other times it would be replaced, with almost a feeling of guilt, because in reality they had no idea who he really was.

When he sat with his friends like he was now, watching Nancy and Hannah laughed and talked, he felt comfortable, for the longest time he had never felt that way with anyone, none of his friends, but in these people he found a place to belong, a place where he didn't have to fit in with any expectations, he could just be himself. But again the feeling of guilt would creep over him, he wasn't being completely honest, he was keeping a huge part of himself hidden from them. And every time he felt like he could finally tell them, a fear crept over him stopping him from speaking. And the feeling only grew worse, when Craig and Tom would be there too. Both of them so happy and comfortable with themselves, with each other, and the envy that John Paul felt was enough to make him feel like running away, and yet he never did. He always stayed. In a small way torturing himself, looking back at two people that he only hoped he could be as brave as, mixing with the feeling that he wanted to be the person that close to Craig, be the person holding onto his hand and laughing with.

And here he was. In that exact situation. As he had found himself many times in the last two weeks. With his friends. All of them talking and laughing and smiling, even he was. But he couldn't help but feel sometimes, that he just didn't deserve any of it.

"You wandering off into a daydream there John Paul?" He felt Nancy nudge his arm slightly, and he turned to look at her, a big bright smile plastered on her face, the alcohol she had consumed that night clearly showing its effect.

He leaned in and smiled at her "You, Miss Hayton are drunk" he laughed as she faked a shocked look.

"Me? Never. I'll have you know I am a very sensible person" John Paul laughed again as Nancy picked up her drink and fought to get the straw in her mouth as it moved around her glass.

"Oh yeah Nancy... have to agree with you on that" Nancy smiled satisfied as the straw finally found her mouth and then immediately after stuck her tongue out at John Paul. He smiled and shook his head, and looked across the table as Craig's laughter got his attention. He was sat between Hannah and Tom, Tom was animatedly telling a story and Craig was looking at him, so focused on what he was saying. John Paul looked away, staring into his almost empty glass. He hadn't seen that look before, every time he saw Tom and Craig together, he saw something different in Craig, a new smile or laugh, he wondered if they were things he was just seeing, or if they were new things that Tom was drawing out of him, he sighed heavily and finished off his drink.

He felt a hand rest on his arm, and Nancy leaned in closer "You feeling blue? Is it about Chloe?"

One thing John Paul was happy about, was that he had been honest with his friends about the breakup with Chloe. He couldn't have hid it from them, and the first time one of them asked after her since the breakup he told them immediately, he never questioned why he found it so easy to tell them and yet conceal it from his family, because he knew the answer, and didn't want to acknowledge it.

He turned to Nancy "It's funny, I'm not really. I mean I miss talking to her, because more than anything she was my friend. So its weird to go from speaking to someone all the time and then suddenly not. But we both know it was for the best, it just takes time I guess"

"You think the two of you can still be friends?"

"I really hope so" John Paul sighed again "I guess I just missing having someone around... does that sound stupid?"

"Not at all, and thats from someone who has missed having someone around for a really long time..."

John Paul smiled "Your problem is you're too picky. That guy last Saturday was interested and you were completely rude to him"

"John Paul, you did not hear the pick up lines he was using, and also you seemed to miss the fact that he had used the exact same ones on Hannah five minutes earlier"

"Okay fair enough" John Paul laughed as Nancy drunkenly moved closer to him.

"You see thats what annoys me about men John Paul..."

"Oh whats that, please enlighten me?" John Paul turned his body to face hers.

"They are just so... like I dunno.. you know? I mean that guy comes swaggering over to me, like I need him to leech all over me after JUST hitting on my friend? Please..."

John Paul shook his head "You know I feel its my duty to warn the man that you end up with Nancy, because they just don't stand a chance"

Nancy nodded her head just once "Well you have to show them whose boss John Paul" and with that the two of them seemed to somehow burst out into fits of laughter, the reason John Paul was sure neither of them really knew, it was most likely the alcohol running through their system. Their laughter seemed to grab the entire attention of the table as they continued giggling uncontrollably.

"Whats so funny?" Craig smiled at the two of them widely

John Paul tried to find a response as he turned to face Nancy, but immediately started laughing again.

Nancy managed to form a sentence through her laughing "I was just telling John Paul here my views on men"

John Paul's laughing slowed down some what as he watched Tom lean forward with interest "Oh yeah, whats that then?"

"Oh no don't get her started again, the first time was bad enough..." John Paul laughed through his words.

"Hey" Nancy hit him lightly on the arm "It got you laughing didn't it – which is a good change from you being all broody?"

"I have not been brooding"

"Oh please, you so have..." Nancy grabbed hold of her glass and looked down into it sadly, mimicking John Paul from earlier, and then sighed heavily. John Paul laughed loudly as did everyone else around the table.

"I'm not that bad"

Nancy turned to John Paul again and smiled widely "You know I'm just messing. Now go get me another drink" She held her glass up over her head before smiling sweetly at John Paul.

John Paul stood up and looked down at her before grabbing the glass away. "Not that you deserve one. Anyone else?" John Paul looked around the table and saw everyone nod, he was about to move away when a voice stopped him.

"I'll come give you a hand"

He turned and smiled at Tom who was now standing up and moving around the table to follow him. He didn't speak, only nodded, and began to move towards the bar. He had spent as much time with Tom as he had everyone else, they seemed to all hang around together on a daily basis, and yet he had found himself avoiding ever being left alone to talk with him. He almost didn't want to. He heard all the things Nancy and Hannah said about him, how nice he was, if not slightly intimidating (from Hannah) and yet still he held back.

He knew why. He knew that Tom was all the things they said. And in a way John Paul hated that. If he kept him at a distance he could continue to feel the same indifference towards that he felt, but if he actually allowed himself to talk to him, he was sure they would be friends.

The bar was busy, and an awkward silence seemed to fall between the two of them as they stood waiting to be served. He tried to look as if he was the girl that was serving attention, hoping that he could avoid any conversation, but he could feel Tom's stare on him, he could tell that there was something Tom wanted to say.

"John Paul, I've been wanting to talk to you, but its always difficult with everyone around"

John Paul sighed. He couldn't avoid it now, he couldn't just walk away. He could have pretended he hadn't heard what Tom had said, but he didn't want to be like that with Tom. This wasn't his fault. He just wanted to avoid any awkwardness.

"I know we don't know each other very well, and maybe you have reasons that you'd like to keep it that way, which I get by the way, but I know how important you are to Craig, and I know he thinks your a really great person..."

John Paul turned to look at Tom who was now looking down at his hands which were resting on the bar, he was clearly finding this hard, almost as if he was searching for the right thing to say, without saying too much, without saying what both of them were thinking.

He looked up and met John Paul's eyes "What I'm trying to say is I'd really like it if we could be friends"

John Paul looked over to the table where Craig sat, he was laughing and smiling, and he looked really happy. And even with the jealousy he felt that he was not person to provoke every smile, to be the one making him feel like that, he couldn't hate Tom for being the one that did. Because seeing Craig that happy was amazing to see, even if it meant for John Paul he had to be on the outside of that.

"What do you think?" Tom held out his hand for John Paul to shake. It wasn't like he could cast it aside and walk away, even if a small part of him wanted to, he couldn't. He wouldn't do it. "I'd like that too" He grabbed hold of Tom's hand and shook it lightly, but not for himself, not for the friendship he would gain, he did it for Craig.

"Everything okay?"

The voice broke the two of them apart and they turned to face Craig who was looking at them apprehensively, a slight look of fear and wonder of what was going on in his eyes. Tom smiled and nodded, before leaning in and kissing Craig on the cheek.

"Everything's fine, you help John Paul with the drinks, I'm just gonna pop to the loo"

John Paul looked away and turned his attention once again to the bar. Every time he saw even the smallest amount of affection between the two of them, he immediately felt he had to look away. He finally managed to get served, and then he felt a hand rest lightly on his back. He turned to see Craig staring forward, the feeling of Craig's hand on his back sent shivers down his spine, and as Craig moved it away, he felt the lose straight away, wishing he would have left it there even a second longer. The drinks were placed on the bar and Craig picked two of them up before turning to face John Paul.

The look in Craig's eyes was again one that John Paul had not seen before, he could never understand why those eyes had always had such an effect on him. Ever since the first day they met they had managed to captivate him and draw him in completely, holding him paralysed to the spot.

"Thank you" Craig smiled and then he was gone. Moving back to the table. But still John Paul couldn't move, he remained staring at the empty space Craig had just stood in. The thank you ringing through his head, understanding completely what that thank you had meant. How much it had meant to Craig to see him making an effort with Tom, he thought maybe his indifference to Tom had gone unnoticed to Craig, but clearly as he was learning daily, he was not good at hiding things from Craig.

He picked up the remaining drinks and headed to the table. Tom had already returned and was now sitting next to Hannah, deep in conversation. John Paul placed the drinks down, receiving a huge grin from Nancy and a kiss on the cheek, he laughed as he again watched her struggle with the straw, before placing it in her mouth for her. He shook his head and laughed.

Again he could feel someone watching him. But he knew that it wasn't Tom. He had felt this feeling before, he had felt those eyes looking at him only moments ago. He had been under the spell of their intensity before, and this time was no different. He was almost too afraid to look up, to afraid to give into the feeling of looking back at Craig.

But as he did the fear washed away. And the smile that formed on Craig's lips was not one that he had seen earlier in the evening. It was one that he had seen the first time they met, one he had seen in the classroom, one in Craig's bedroom that night, it was a smile that Craig seemed to keep only for him, he may not have been the one to go home with Craig, or the one that was with him, but he knew he was the one that could provoke that feeling in Craig, who could get him to look at him in a way that was for him and him alone.


	24. The Hardest Part

To the outsider looking in on Craig's life, it would have seemed like a pretty perfect way to be. He could sit and laugh and talk with his friends, each of them with their own qualities, their own quirks and reasons why he loved them so much. He could pride himself in the fact that no matter what, he always did what was right for his friends, for the people he cared about more than anything.

In fact if anyone had asked him just a few hours ago, he would have proudly stated that was one thing about him he could always guarantee. But now he sat cold and alone, ashamed that he could have let people be forgotten so quickly.

Craig hated hospitals. He was pretty sure that everyone did. But he _really_hate them. Everything about them. The smell that you could almost taste at the back of your throat, the people walking by you almost looking at you trying to figure out what was wrong and why you were there, and on top of that there was always a feeling to them, a feeling that made him sick to his stomach, one that made him want to run so quickly out the door.

That wasn't an option today. Not as easy as the option a month ago to walk out of his old life, out of the family that had pretty much cast him off. He had fooled himself enough to believe that he had done the same to them, in fact he had barely even thought about them. He had lost himself in college, Tom and going out with his friends, even when he stopped and was finally alone with his thoughts, they still never strayed to his family. How easy it had been for him to just forget, just as quickly as it had been for them to turn their backs on him.

The harsh realisation suddenly overwhelmed him, in all his thoughts for the people he cared about, his Mum had not been there, and this was someone who prided himself in being the kind of person who would always put others before himself, he wasn't that person at all. He wasn't the person she had always thought he was, he had walked away because things had been so hard for him to stay there, but maybe he should have thought about it from her side, how she must have felt.

But even as he sat there alone, with all those conflicting thoughts running through his mind, he realised that none of it mattered. It didn't matter that he had made the choice to remove himself from a situation that he felt was keeping him held prisoner, it didn't matter that she had set so many rules and hadn't accepted Craig, because everything was hanging by a thread.

Craig always thought that after some time apart, if he removed himself from that place, eventually she would see that she had been wrong, that really he was no different to the boy that she had raised, he was still Craig. Her son. But Craig had been naive, and now with the prospect of never talking to her again, never seeing any look from her, he felt like everything was collapsing around him and he was powerless to stop it.

Why is it that you never see these things coming? Everything about the day had seemed completely normal, minus the absence of Tom, who was visiting his Nan, but even that time he would usually have spent with him was filled with texts or calls from him. When the phone had rang and it had been Jack, a small glimmer of hope had sparked in him, he thought that maybe there would finally be a conversation about maybe going over to see him and his Mum. But straight off from the tone in Jack's voice, Craig knew it was going to be anything than that.

Why is that when these things happen he found himself feeling more alone than ever? Tom wasn't here. He hadn't seen Steph, Jake or Darren yet. He wasn't even sure if any of them would even speak to him when he did see them. Surely now with all this they would put aside what had happened and somehow group together. He tried his best to hope. But he had been sat here half an hour and still not one of them had been to see him, and his hope was slowly fading.

The only person he had spoken to was Jack. And even then it had only been on the phone. As the words had fallen out of Jack's mouth, Craig couldn't focus on anything but that, he could hear Jack explaining other things, asking him to come to the hospital, but it all felt like some kind of blur. Even now as he sat with his head in his hands, it was all like some kind of nightmare. He wanted it to be a nightmare, one that he could wake up from, that he could somehow go back and makes things right. But that never happened. Those stories don't exist, and there are always major flaws. There wouldn't be a hero, no one to come in and save everyone and make things magically okay.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and immediately jumped out of the chair to be faced with Steph. She looked far from her normal self, what once was usually a smiley and bright character looked drained and completely lost. Craig could feel all the questions that he had been building up for the last hour rising to the surface.

"What happened? Jack called and just said there was an accident, I've been waiting here... where have you been? Is Jake here too? What happened? Did they tell you I was here... cos I've been waiting... is... is she okay?"

"Craig" Craig watched as Steph looked around the empty waiting room, he could tell that she was searching for a place to start. " She was driving back from... she'd gone into town.. I said I'd go with her but she said she wanted to go on her own..." Steph choked slightly on her words, and Craig moved closer to her resting his hand on her shoulder "She pulled out of a turning, but she must of not seen the van or something... I don't know..."

Steph began to break down for what Craig could see must have been the first time that day, and he pulled his sister in for a hug, one that he held onto for as long as she needed. "Steph... she's okay though... I mean she's gonna be alright yeah?"

Steph moved away from the hug and again looked around the waiting room, anywhere but at Craig's eyes "Steph..."

"I don't know. She's in surgery now... they said something about her lungs or I don't know they just kept saying all this stuff and it was all just everything at once and I..."

"Sshh, its alright... where's Jack?"

"He was in with the doctor and now he's talking to Jake and Darren... Craig... she has to be okay... I mean what are we gonna do if she's... if she..."

Craig shook his head and lightly grabbed hold of Steph's shoulders "She's gonna be fine. Okay? She's a fighter... she..."

Craig's voice trailed off as Jake walked through the door leading into the waiting room. He looked worse than Steph if that was possible. He looked lost and confused, almost like he couldn't even believe this was happening, but his face changed as soon as he saw Craig. He had never seen someone change from one emotion so quickly to another, the look of anger and pure disgust was etched across his face.

"What the hell is_he _doing here?"

Craig wasn't quite sure who it was said to. He was too shocked that Jake even now couldn't get past his own feelings at a time like this and just focus on what was happening now. He didn't want to fight not here, not like this. This wasn't about him, this was about his Mum, and he felt the exact same way that Jake did, that fear that she might not get through this, the fear that he might never see her again. Added onto that the last time they had spoken they had been words of anger and disappointment.

"Did you call him?" Jake questioned Steph, he wouldn't even look at Craig.

"Jack called me Jake. She's my Mum too..."

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare act like you give a shit now Craig. Not after what you've put her through, not after you walked out of her life, out of all of our lives..."

"Jake... I think all thats pretty irrelevant right under the circumstances don't you?"

"No. I thinks it absolutely relevant, because you shouldn't be here... Jack had no right calling you"

Jake shook his head and for the first time made eye contact with Craig, he actually can remember the last time Jake looked at him like that, it had been the same day he had told his family he was gay. The look on Jake's face as he looked at him from across the room, a look of feeling ashamed and repulsed to be anywhere near him

"This isn't the time for this Jake, whatever it is you think of me, now isn't the time... she wouldn't want us being like this, not now..."

"What the hell would you know what she would want? When was the last time you bothered to call her?"

"Do you think that was easy for me to? To just walk away..."

"You had a choice Craig..."

"No I didn't. I can't change who I am. And living in that house made me feel like I was trapped, I was just trying to get out of that..."

"And that means completely ignoring how everyone else would feel in the process"

"Mum made it pretty clear she didn't want me at home"

Jake nodded "You're right. She didn't want you at home. And you know what? She wouldn't want you here now either"

Craig looked at him in disbelief. This was nothing like that, this was different. Jake didn't really expect him to leave when

"You don't get it do you... she wouldn't want you to be here. She was disgusted with you. Like I am. And we don't want you here. You walked out on her and on this family when you made your choice, you don't get to come back when you decide..."

"Jake do you even hear yourself? Mum is lying in there, we don't even know if she's gonna be okay, and your acting like this... I'm still your brother, I'm still a part of this family, and you don't get to decide whether I stay or go..."

"Craig..." Craig looked back to Steph as he heard her speak his name softly "Maybe you should just go, there's nothing you can do anyway... and well.. maybe..."

Craig didn't need her to finish the sentence, the look in her eyes said it all. That he should leave because maybe the truth of it was that she wouldn't want him to be here, that after all the pain he had caused her, he would be unwelcome, he looked towards Darren who was looking anywhere but back at Craig, he looked back to Steph who now wouldn't look him in the eye either. And he realised, none of them wanted him there. He had no idea what was going on with any of them, he felt like he didn't know who any of them were anymore. He really thought walking away that day would have been the best thing for everybody.

He looked back at Jake who was staring directly at him, he couldn't read his face. Someone he used to know so well now seemed like a stranger, his own brother wanting him to leave even in this situation where they weren't even sure if their Mum was going to make it. He thought about protesting just staying anyway, but as the awkward silence filled the room, all three of them waiting for him to leave, he realised that he wasn't wanted here. And if like Jake had said his Mum wouldn't either, then why was he here? He didn't want to believe Jake, he wanted it to be a lie, but how would he know? He had made no effort to contact his Mum, he had been waiting for her to make the first move, and now he might never know, he might never know if she really wanted him in her life.

Craig looked back to Steph one more time, but he saw no change in her face, he nodded his head slightly. "Okay.. I get it..." He moved away from Steph slowly, he couldn't look back at her. He couldn't believe she was agreeing with Jake on this, he still couldn't believe Jake was reacting like this, that they were making him leave, again as he reached the door he hesitated, he thought about staying anyway, but Jake's words from before were running through his mind, as were his Mum's words from the last time they spoke, and the harsh realisation that perhaps he really wasn't needed or wanted here at all. Without looking back he left the room, walked down the corridor, out the hospital and back to his car. He sat behind the steering wheel for a while, his mind still conflicted if he was doing the right thing by leaving, he thought about waiting here for a while and then going back, maybe when things had calmed down a bit. But he had seen all there faces, he knew he couldn't go back in there.

He started up the car, and started the drive home. He felt in a daze the whole time, he couldn't stop thinking about his Mum. What was happening? Was she going to be okay? Maybe he should call the hospital when he got home and find out? Should he turn the car around and go back?

The car journey had felt it took forever, as he turned off the engine, he realised he had driven to the village. He stepped out of the car and found himself walking in the direction of the pub, he just wanted to be there. To sit outside on one of the tables like he had so many times before. He thought about the last time he had been here, how he had quietly crept away without so much of a goodbye. He thought about so many good memories there had been there too, and how they had died out as the relationships with his family had slowly faded.

And now he was sat here alone, and all he could think of was that he had made the biggest mistake in walking away. Things hadn't always been bad. Maybe after time everything could have got better. Maybe he should have had more faith in his Mum coming around. Because now faced with the possibility of never being able to see her again, he felt terrified.

Everything that had happened since he left this place, had changed everything. He thought about how much things had changed. His relationship with Tom had changed completely in what felt like such a short time, he was happy and yet he still felt like something wasn't quite right. He had felt that feeling since he had moved in there, like he in someways knew what was coming, and yet didn't stop it, he let Tom kiss him, he let himself give over to being with him because it was easier than saying no, he had been to afraid to hurt anyone, he had been afraid that everything would change for the worst and he would lose the one thing that had been constant in his life. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through the list of names, he looked down at Tom's name staring back at him, and yet for some reason he seemed unable to press the button to dial. He knew he should call Tom, that he would help him through this. But he couldn't. Something was stopping him. There was nothing Tom could do, there was nothing anyone could do. He hadn't seen the way his family had looked at him, he hadn't felt them all slowly wanting him just to leave.

He looked up at the window of his old room and he sighed heavily. He wanted to go up there and wrap himself up in the comfort of his own bed, find the safeness he had once felt before being there. But he knew that didn't exist anymore, he hadn't felt that here for the longest time, as he family moved themselves further away from him, he did the same thing back. The more they looked at him like he wasn't even there, the more he acted like he wasn't, he just did as he was told, and lived by their rules, no matter how much it hurt him. Again he had been putting other peoples needs before his own, wanting them to be happy, them to feel comfortable. The same thing he was doing with Tom, he had gone from one place to being how everyone wanted him to be, to go to another feeling obligated to feel the same way about Tom.

He looked down at the phone. Another name now glaring up at him from the screen. "_John Paul_" He didn't even realise that he had scrolled up to his name. His instincts taking over, he realised there was only one person who hadn't expected him to be anything other than himself, who hadn't asked anything from him. And he needed that right now more than anything. He moved away from the table he sat on and started to walk through the village, something pulling him to John Paul, the same thing that had pulled him to John Paul the night they first met and every other time since then.


	25. Another Story

Craig hadn't even noticed the rain that had started to fall as he made his way to John Paul's house. It was only when he had stopped before approaching the house that he had felt the rain on him, looking down at his drenched body and feeling a chill shudder through him. His hair was now sticking to his forehead and he could feel the droplets of rain falling down his face. He could feel them falling into his eyes, making them sting slightly, but he didn't wipe them away, he just looked up to house that looked so still, the only sign of life was a light in one of the upstairs windows. He knew he wouldn't turn back now, he didn't know why but this was the place he wanted to be right now, where he needed to be. He wondered if John Paul would even be in, it was Friday night – he might have gone out with Nancy and the others. What if he was in but not alone? How would he explain turning up at this time of night... he realised he didn't even know what the time was, he looked down to his phone and saw it was only 11pm, and as he finally reached the door, he knew he wasn't going back now anyway. He knocked on the door lightly, the rain now falling heavier than before. He caught his reflection in the window of the door, he barely recognised himself. He felt like it was seeing himself for the first time, all the words from Jake earlier in the evening running through his mind again.

The door opened and he watched slowly as the initial smile from John Paul changed to one of concern, clearly seeing how altered he was. He wasn't sure if John Paul said anything, all could seem to focus on were the two blue eyes staring at him and the hand on his own pulling him into the living room. They stood in front of the sofa, he could hear John mumbling something about his jacket, but he didn't care about that, he just wanted to look at John Paul. To feel anything other than the pain of what came from being rejected by his family again.

Craig felt as though he had slipped into some kind of daze. He could hear John Paul talking to him. Speaking to him softly, asking him what was wrong. He felt a cold chill and he looked down to see John Paul had taken his jacket off. He looked up at John Paul again who was now smiling slightly. Even that, even that one small thing managed to make him feel better. Even as John Paul walked away from standing in front of him into the kitchen, Craig imagined he was still standing there, still smiling at him in only the way John Paul ever did.

He looked around the small room, he looked at all the pictures on the walls, all the photos in frames, all the memories of John Paul's family. In everyone they were smiling, all huddled closely together, so comfortable in each others company, so happy to be with each other. And Craig couldn't help but feel envious, he remembered a time when he had that with his own family. The photos no doubt still hung on the walls in the flat, the memories were all still there, but now Craig questioned everyone of them – had any of them been real? Because in those photos he may have been smiling and acting like he had for so long, but he was never really being true to himself. Were those the only two options he had? To live a lie but make everyone else happy, or be true to himself and lose his family. Was it too much for him to have both? Was it too much to ask for his family to accept him? Craig could feel the tears forming again, as he thought back to times when they had been so much happier, when they had been happy together. And now they all seemed so far apart, and the thought that he could have lost his Mum suddenly hit him again. The tears now falling mixing in with the rain that had fallen on his face.

He was now looking down at himself, finally realising just how long he had been out in that rain. He felt John Paul touch his arm slightly and he looked up to see him standing directly in front of him again, the same small smile looking back at him, before feeling a towel thrown over his head, to find himself in darkness. He felt John Paul move closer to him and slowly placing his hands on the towel, he could sense John Paul's hesitance, but then it quickly was gone as he was slowly drying Craig's hair. Craig closed his eyes as he felt John Paul's hands softly massaging his head through the towel. John Paul pulled the towel off Craig's head and then he felt him slowly wipe the water from his face.

John Paul threw the towel onto the sofa and looked back at Craig. He smiled again, but Craig saw it change straight away as he saw the tears still falling from Craig's eyes. John Paul stepped closer and placed his hand on Craig's face and wiped away the tears that had just fallen. Craig couldn't help but close his eyes and lean his head into John Paul's hand. He needed to feel that touch. He needed to feel that close to John Paul.

"Craig..." the sound of John Paul's voice made Craig open his eyes. John Paul was standing closer now. The look of concern even stronger than before. "What happened? Please tell me..."

Everything felt some what clearer now. Craig could hear John Paul speaking to him. He could feel the closeness of his body against his. He could hear the pleading in John Paul's voice.

"I didn't know where else to go... and all I could think of was coming here and seeing you..."

"Its okay that you're here. I'm glad you came to me, but talk to me... tell me whats going on" John Paul's hand fell from Craig's face, and rested on his shoulder squeezing it tightly before guiding both of them to sit on the sofa, Craig felt John Paul's body turn to face his as he sat down, making sure they were still as close as they could be.

Craig took a deep breathe and looked down at his hands – the feeling was starting to come back to him and he realised just how cold they were. He felt John Paul's rest on top of them, and squeeze them reassuringly.

"Jack called me earlier and... my Mum, she was... in an accident. You know when someones talking to you and your trying to take it all in, but all you hear is parts of it... it felt like that. Just like one big blur,, and its bad John Paul... really bad..."

"Well Craig.. we can get you to the hospital... if you aren't up to driving..."

"I already went John Paul. I went there and I waited for what felt like forever to find out something, anything. I knew that it would be difficult to see them, to see everyone my family... but I figured it just wouldn't be an issue you know not now... I mean... not when she's in surgery fighting for her life, you'd think that they'd be able to put all that aside..."

"What happened?"

"Jake. The way he looked at me. At first it was like I wasn't even there, and then when he did look at me..." Craig stood up and moved across the room and stood by the window. "I really believed after a while, things would get better. That they would get past this. If I just gave them some time, then they would see that its still me... but I kept telling myself that everyday John Paul, everyday I stayed there and they looked at me like I was nothing. What did he expect me to do? Stay there and live my life like that? I thought me leaving would help, not just me... but them too" Craig looked into John Paul's eyes, eyes that he was pretty sure were filling up with tears. Craig moved away from the window and looked at the photos on the wall again, suddenly realising how dimly lit the room was. He could feel John Paul's eyes watching him as he moved around the room slowly.

"He told me to leave, my own brother. Our Mum is lying there, for all I know she could... and he told me to leave, and no one... he said that she wouldn't have wanted me there, that I caused her so much pain, leaving the way I did. That I wasn't welcome. And I really want to believe that its not true, I really want to believe that she would want me there. But I can't, because all I can think about is the last time we spoke, and how she looked me, and the way Jake looked at me... and I feel like if they don't care, then why should I..."

"Because that's not who you are Craig" John Paul sighed heavily "Because you do care. If you didn't you wouldn't have even bothered going there. And Jake can't speak for your Mum, and I know that I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like for you having to live with that, but sometimes people act a certain way because they don't understand something, they can't understand it, so react in ways that we don't always expect. But no matter what anyone says. No matter what Jake says she is still your Mum. And if anything this should make you see how important that is..."

"But I don't know to fix any of this John Paul, I can't change and she can't accept and she might not even... I keep looking at all of these photos of you and your family, you all look so happy, and there's pictures like this all over the flat... but they aren't real... not like these... even if I wanted to I couldn't go back there, but I didn't leave because I don't care about what they think, I left for the exact opposite because I do care about what they think of me, and it killed me watching them either look at me like I wasn't there or like they were disgusted. Does it make me a bad person for not wanting to live my life like that?"

John Paul stood up from the sofa quickly and moved towards Craig "No. No it doesn't make you a bad person at all. I don't blame you for leaving there, no one should be made to feel like that. And these pictures Craig, thats... thats all they are you know? Just moments... and yeah we're all smiling and we're all happy, but it doesn't mean there aren't secrets. It doesn't mean that I haven't been terrified. Terrified of what those 6 people are gonna think when they finally... when they finally see who I really am. I'm just as scared as you are. I've just got better at covering it up. One thing I would hope though, is that no matter how hard is for them to understand, that eventually they'd just see it as another part of who I am. Maybe I'm naive to think that way, in fact I know I am. But she is your Mum Craig and that means something. Sometimes these things happen to make us see whats really important. What we really need and want"

Craig tilted his head and looked at John Paul. He seemed to be realising for the first time how incredibly strong the boy opposite him was. To anyone else looking at him they would have seen a quiet person who rarely stood out in anyway. But even from the first moment Craig had seen him he knew there was something different, something about him to admired, if only he would believe it himself. John Paul was right. No matter what, above anything else, she was his Mum. And it didn't matter what Jake or anyone else had to say, because they couldn't speak for how she felt. He hear his phone go off in his pocket and he pulled it out. _"Mum came out of surgery. She's stable. Steph."_

Craig smiled slightly at John Paul "That was Steph. She said Mum's stable"

"That's great... " John Paul went to turn away from Craig, but again the feeling between them always kept Craig pulling him back.

"John Paul..." Craig grabbed hold of John Paul's hand and turned him round "I... Thank you. I really don't know what.. I don't know how to tell you how much this means to me... that you and me can talk like this, it means everything..."

"Craig... lets not do this... lets not say everything that we both wanna say, because we both know deep down this can only end in pain... I'm still trying to figure things out for myself, and you are really lucky that you have Tom... even in all my efforts to wanna hate him I can't... I can't hate someone who cares about you that much... and this between us... its just friendship..."

"You know its more than that..."

"You made your decision Craig. I can't be what you need me to be. You deserve someone who can admit to themselves who they are... not someone like me whose running scared and probably always will be"

"When I'm with you, its like I become the person I wanna be... I can't explain it... in my head I know I want everything you just said, but when I'm with you I can't see any of that its just you and me..." Craig moved closer to John Paul, he half expected him to walk away, but he had seen this look in John Paul's eyes before. He looked closely into the blue eyes before him, completely losing himself in them. "Just tell me the truth... I just need to know, how you feel about me..."

Craig leant closer to John Paul, their bodies touching slightly, he rested his cheek against John Paul's closing his eyes and breathing in deeply taking in everything about him. He might never be here with him like this and he needed to know "Please John Paul..." He could feel John Paul's breathe tickling his neck and he closed his eyes again, moving his arms to place them on the bottom of John Paul's back. Again pressing their bodies closer together once more.

"Craig... why are you doing this? Nothing can come from this... it doesn't matter how much I want you right now, how much I wanna kiss you and keep you close to me like this, because I know you can't do this... whatever you say you feel for me Craig, you love Tom and I know you wouldn't want to hurt him and thats why this is wrong..."

Craig could feel the tears falling again "What if I made a mistake? What if I took the option that was easier because I was too afraid to admit to how I felt about you, too afraid to admit to what was happening here between us, I do love Tom John Paul, I do, but its not the same, with you I... I can't even explain it, I try but I can't its just this feeling I have when I'm with you... can't you feel that too?"

"Of course I can.. but it doesn't.. its not right... I mean what do you want from me? You are with Tom. You can't have that and me as well. I don't even know if I am ready for whatever _this_ is"

Craig moved his face from where it rested and looked into John Paul's eyes again, he could see the fear, but he could also see the affection, the same feelings that Craig was feeling the same want. "Tell me... tell me how you felt when you kissed me..."

John Paul closed his eyes and turned his face away "You really wanna do this? Fine. It felt like I was alive. After years of living as if I was nothing I finally felt something real because you made me able to... that night after the party I felt like things were finally in my control like I had made choices for myself, you made me feel like I could do anything. I felt so brave that night and it all came from you... and then I saw you kissing Tom, and I felt like it had all been one big lie again. There you were the night before telling me all these things and I believed them, I put faith in them..."

"I didn't think you'd ever... I was so scared..."

"And I wasn't? You terrify me and at the same time make me feel like..."

"I wanna kiss you..." The words had fallen out of Craig's mouth before he even had a chance to process them. He again expected John Paul to walk away, but instead he found that he was stuck to the spot, his face frozen as he looked into Craig's eyes, softening slightly as Craig moved forward and brushed his lips across John Paul's jaw line trailing kisses along before pressing his lips softly against John Paul's mouth. He didn't kiss him again. He waited and watched as John Paul closed his eyes, clearly relieving the moment of having Craig's lips on his own again. He felt John Paul step forward closer again, moving his hand up Craig's back, pulling at the fabric of the now damp shirt he wore. Craig leaned in again and stole another kiss, he felt John Paul reciprocate and moved their bodies as close as they could get. John Paul's hands were now in his hair, running his fingers aggressively through it, deepening the kiss further. Teeth biting his lower lip, tongues meeting.

It wasn't like any of the other kisses. There was something about it, something sealing between the two of them, confirming everything they had felt before, taking them back to the moment when they first met and it was just the two of them.

The phone was vibrating slowly on the table, the noise yet to hit, but as it did, it was like an alarm bell ringing off. Craig saw it in John Paul's eyes as he felt himself be pushed away. Craig reached for the phone and looked down, he said the name out loud automatically "Tom" John Paul shuffled backwards back into the kitchen, taking the towel with him.

"Erm.. you can stay if you want... no ones coming back tonight... just take the sofa... I'm... I'm sorry that shouldn't have... I shouldn't have let that happen... I'm going to bed..."

Craig tried to protest but John Paul was already gone and up the stairs and the sound of John Paul's door slamming shut said that he didn't want Craig to follow. He looked down at the phone, it was still ringing. He found himself again in a situation where he had to decide. And no matter how badly he wanted that kiss to have gone on forever, Craig found himself staring at the phone desperate to answer the call. He needed Tom. He loved Tom. But one thing he knew for sure, was that John Paul McQueen had turned everything he had been feeling around. And thats when he knew he was falling in love with him.


	26. Untitled

John Paul lay in the darkness of his room, his back facing the door. He wasn't quite sure how long he had been laying there, it had felt like hours had past as his own thoughts had consumed, but the darkness told him otherwise, maybe only a hour had passed, or maybe even minutes. He was sure he could hear Craig's voice from downstairs. He could hear his end of the conversation he was having with Tom. John Paul wished Craig would just leave, he didn't want to feel like this, so out of control of his actions. Everything inside of him was telling him to push Craig away, all he could think about was Tom and how he would feel, that no matter what Craig said he needed Tom, and that himself and Craig shouldn't be giving into their feelings.

He wished he could forget that kiss. Erase it from his memory. Because now alone in the darkness it was all he could think about. The kisses before hadn't been like that. The others had been cautious and fuelled with nerves, but there was something different in the way Craig looked at him, and the way he knew he was looking at Craig. In that moment he had never wanted anything more. He had never wanted anyone like that in his life, he had never felt such a need to be close to someone else, to feel them that close to him. And now he just wanted it all to go away. The feelings, the regrets and the worry of it all. He didn't want to feel any of this for Craig and yet some how it seemed futile in trying to resist it, he had been trying since the day they met to push all those feelings aside, but they always found themselves in exactly the same situation.

What exactly was he running from? All the feelings he knew he would feel being with Craig? The fear of what it meant to be with Craig? The fear of having to tell everyone?

It was all of it. When he was alone like this, it was all he could think about it. What he could do for the best. What he could do to somehow solve everything without anyone getting hurt. He laughed quietly at his own naivety, there was no way out of this without anyone getting hurt. If he gave into everything he was feeling for Craig, Tom would hurt, Craig would hurt and so would he. If he walked away from Craig, it would only hurt himself, Craig he was sure would find a way through it, with Tom. And John Paul's pain would only add onto the pain he already had concealed. It would be nothing, just another thing to hide, and he was good at it by now.

John Paul realised it had gone silent downstairs. He could no longer hear Craig's voice, and while he was glad, he also wished that he could hear it again. Missing the the way he spoke, the tone as he had moved closer to him, his breathe mixing with his just before he had kissed him. He rolled onto his back and sighed, exasperated. He heard his door open and a small line of light glide across the grew wider as the door opened more. He closed his eyes, not ready for the change in the room, and again he rolled over onto his side away from the door.

When he finally opened his eyes again, the light was gone. But he knew Craig was not. He could sense that he was still in the room. Watching from somewhere. Maybe the door. Maybe the desk. He couldn't be sure, he could only hear Craig's breathing slightly.

"How was Tom?" John Paul heard Craig sigh. It clearly wasn't what Craig wanted to talk about.

"Worried. He's coming back"

John Paul nodded to himself "Of course he is"

John Paul heard Craig start to speak, he didn't hear any of it, he cut Craig off before any of it was able to register "You should have called him in the first place"

Craig struggled to find any words, John Paul could tell that much as Craig stumbled over his words. There was no response to that, because it was the truth. Craig should have called Tom. He should have never come here, looking for something from John Paul. Looking for comfort from John Paul, that he wasn't even sure he could provide. He had fooled himself into believing he could be friends with Craig, because they could never be friends. Any time they tried they ended up back here, alone and confused. John Paul couldn't help but wonder, if circumstances had been different tonight, would Craig even be here?

"If Tom hadn't been out of town, would you have even come here Craig?" John Paul heard Craig sigh again "Because I don't think you would have. I think you're just as confused as I am. I don't think you know what it is you want at all. You say all these things to me. But what about Tom? I know you love him, and thats more than what we have isn't it? I think its stronger than what you and me have"

_Our love has changed - it's not the same and the only way to say it - Is say it .. it's better._

"Is that really what you think? John Paul I came here tonight, because you were the first person I thought of. I needed someone, someone to talk to and you were the first person I thought of. And I can't explain it. I wish I could give you some kind of explanation, is that what you need? Because if it is I don't have that" John Paul heard Craig sigh again, he was sitting by the desk, he followed the sound of his voice "I do love Tom. He's been there for me when I needed a friend more than anything and he never judged me or expected anything back, that's who he is. But that night when he told me how he felt, it was the first time that he had ever asked anything from me, he didn't say it, but I saw it in he's eyes. Asking me to feel the same back. To love him back. And I do"

"Then why are you here?"

"Because with you its different. I've never felt like this about anyone before. I never thought that I ever would. I am confused. You confuse me constantly. I think I'm doing okay without you, and then I'll see you, or someone will say your name and its like... I feel like an idiot because then I can't stop thinking about you... and you can say that you don't feel the same, but I think that you do... John Paul... I think I'm..."

_I can't conceal this way I feel - for all the time we spent, together, forever - just gets better._

"Don't say it" John Paul's voice was strong and clear, but he didn't move "Don't say that. I can't give you what you need. You need someone like Tom, his confident and not ashamed to be with you, and me I can't even say it... I can't even say that... you deserve more than that. You have more than that, you think I'm braver than I am, you seem to think that someday I'll be able to be okay with feeling the way I do about you... but what if I never can, what if I can never say it? What if I can never be with you the way you need me to be? I can't guarantee that, and you don't know that I can..."

"I don't care about any of that. I love you"

John Paul closed his eyes. The words were right there to say. He felt it and he wanted to say it. "I know"

_See what I'm trying to say is - you make things .. better and no matter what the day is with you here it's better._

John Paul heard the chair that Craig had been sitting on move. Maybe John Paul's lack of response had been all Craig needed to hear. But as he felt Craig's hand resting on his shoulder, he sunk his head deeper into the pillow, closing his eyes tighter.

"You don't love me?" John Paul could hear Craig's voice breaking as he spoke. He couldn't speak. He couldn't say no. He couldn't say that he did. All he seemed to be able to focus on was Craig's hand moving slightly on his arm, trailing his finger along it. John Paul opened his eyes abruptly as he felt Craig's breathe now across his arm, he was now kneeling on the floor leaning against the bed, kissing his arm softly where his fingers had trailed along. John Paul heard Craig mutter his name, and he had to turn and look at him. He caught his eyes instantly. Craig's hand was resting on the bed where it had fallen when John Paul moved. John Paul moved his own to rest on top of Craig's, stunning Craig as he looked down to their hands touching lightly and turning into a strong grip. John Paul suddenly felt afraid of letting go, and that courage he seemed to only have when Craig was around took over again.

He moved back slightly on his bed, pulling Craig's arms. Looking into his eyes, saying everything he wanted to say but couldn't seem able to. Craig crawled up onto the bed lying on his side facing John Paul, their hands still entwined.

"You don't have to say it John Paul" John Paul closed his eyes again, he felt Craig move closer towards him, he could feel he's breathe on his face, tingling his skin, the sensation running through his body. He let go of Craig's hand and moved closer to him, their bodies pressed up against one another. He rested his forehead against Craig's and sighed heavily.

"What are we going to do?" He felt Craig kiss his cheek softly and he opened his eyes to meet Craig's again. They were bright in the darkness, a warmth radiating from them, making him feel safe and relaxed. Craig's hand had returned to John Paul's arm, stroking the skin softly.

_I'll stand by you - if you stand by me - I think time that I reveal it – cos I believe it - it's better_

"We'll figure it out. Tonight, I'd really like to pretend its just you and me" John Paul saw a small smile creep over Craig's face "Just you and me talking about anything and everything... I don't care what, I just want to be with you..." Craig ran his hand down John Paul's arm to reach for his hand and gripped it tightly "... like this"

John Paul closed his eyes again, he could feel Craig's lips pressing up against his own again. This wasn't like the kiss downstairs, it was slow, and soft, and he felt Craig pull away slightly before leaning back in to finish the kiss he had started.

John Paul finally pulled away and breathed in deeply. "That's not talking you know"

Craig smiled widely "No, I just couldn't resist"

"I think that's half your problem Craig Dean"

"I didn't see you protesting that much..." John Paul smiled slightly. He liked the feeling of being with Craig like this. This was good. But this was his room, this was locked away from everything on the outside, and they could hide here all they wanted but eventually they would have to stop hiding, and that terrified John Paul.

_The more I talk to you - the more in love with everything you do_

"Hey... where did you go?" Craig brushed his fingers across John Paul's face, clearly noticing John Paul's distraction "Stay here with me... stop thinking, stop thinking of everything else. Its just you and me"

John Paul breathed in again as Craig rolled onto his back pulling John Paul with him, he lay with his head resting on Craig's chest.

"So what did you want to talk about?" Craig let out a small laugh at John Paul's question. A laugh that John Paul couldn't help but smile at.

"Well, I think we should start with why there is a picture of you with your sisters downstairs and you have a long blonde wig on, something you wanna tell me John Paul"

John Paul cringed with the memory and sunk his head into Craig's chest "It was Spice Girls karaoke..."

Craig let out a loud laugh, and John Paul punched his chest playfully "Shut up, you have no idea what its like being stuck in a house full of women..."

"I'm learning more and more about you..." Craig stopped mid sentence and John Paul placed his arm around Craig's waist.

"That's the idea right?" Craig kissed the top of John Paul's forehead, and they lay in silence for a few moments. His fears again racing to the front of his mind, John Paul couldn't help but feel so complete in this moment, but he knew that it couldn't last. That it wouldn't. So maybe taking this, and keeping this moment was okay, if it was all he ever got, perhaps it was okay to hold onto it with everything he had.


	27. Piece's

The time had, unexpectedly gone very quick for Tom. When he had left Craig the day before pulling away from him and looking back at him in the mirror, slowly watching him fade away growing smaller and smaller, he had already felt the lose of not having him so close. As he drove he had tried to focus on just getting there, getting this over and done with, so he could back to his life. Back to the life he wanted.

He wasn't even entirely sure why he had even agreed to going. But as he drove back home, anxious, he knew that he had made the right decision. There were some things that needed to be let go of. And the visit had allowed that. His only regret was his dishonesty with Craig as to where he was going. He wasn't entirely sure why he had lied at the time, it just seemed to happen. And the part about seeing his Nan was true, it was just the rest that had been hidden.

When his Nan had called him, a few days before his then unplanned trip, Tom had been shocked to hear from her, the two of them didn't usually check in very often and when they did it was usually a letter from her, a _long _letter. So the one thing he was certain of as he heard her voice. Something was wrong.

He didn't really expect the news to hit him so hard. He wasn't entirely sure how she would even come to know anything of the man he had once looked as a Fathers where abouts. As far as Tom knew when he moved away to live with his Nan, all ties had been cut. She insisted it was through a friend of a friend that she had heard the news of his death. Tom had sighed heavily on hearing the news and waited for her to say something else, he knew there was something else, with that man, there was always something else. But she didn't speak for a while, maybe she was waiting for him to speak, but every time he went to open his mouth, he couldn't quite seem to find any words. He didn't feel any sadness, or satisfaction or really anything on hearing the news.

He figured that she must have sensed that Tom had nothing to say, she began talking about arrangements, as if they were in charge of planning something. And that's when it hit Tom exactly what she was asking him to do. To go _there_. To go back to that place and pack away the life of the man that had almost ruined his own. She wouldn't let him speak now, and Tom tried, he tried to protest and say no, but there was something to her voice, making him reason. He couldn't understand it. More than anyone she hated that man, perhaps even more than he did, so why now did she suddenly want to do the right thing by him?

Tom tried to calm down and take in what was being said to him, and the moment he did just that. He saw where her intentions lay, it wasn't with that man. It was with Tom. She seemed to speak from a voice of experience and regret, of things that she had never let go of, of things that she had been unable to move on from, a desperation of Tom not having to experience the same thing.

And that's why that day he had agreed. He said he would go with her to the funeral. Back to the house with her. If that's what she wanted. If that was what she needed. And the only reply he got was that it was what _he_ needed. And that's when the lie fell out of his mouth, as soon as he had seen Craig, he lied. Just saying he was going to see his Nan. Was it really a lie? He was. But for some reason the rest of it, he couldn't say.

He had gone out with Craig and he's friends, well his friends now too, and enjoyed the night. He hadn't thought about what he had been told earlier at all. He had laughed and talked as if nothing had changed, because at that time nothing had. He had nothing to feel over the news of losing someone who had been nothing to him but a painful memory that he wished he could erase. And no one noticed. No one would have known that anything had happened, he never slipped up or allowed himself to think back to that place, he smiled contented with the company he was in.

The next day had been harder, he woke up early trying not to wake Craig. A guilt washing over him for not being honest, he listened to Craig ramble on about him going with him and he realised so suddenly that it was the last thing he wanted, he spoke the word no, far to angrily and louder, he knew that much by the look on Craig's face. Immediately he understood why he hadn't told Craig the truth. He had moved closer to him quickly apologising and making up some kind of excuse as to why he couldn't go, all the time the realisation he had just come to going through his mind.

He didn't want Craig to see that place. He didn't want Craig to have anything to do with that life. The life that he had walked away from, he didn't want Craig to have to see where it was that he had came from, the life that had caused him so much pain. He wanted to keep Craig for the life he was living now, the one where he was everything that he had once hoped he would be.

The drive from his Nan's to his old home, had been a long one, filled with chatter about what they were both up to, and mostly questions from her about Craig. Talking about Craig was usually something that made Tom feel happy and content, but the shadow of where they were going and the guilt he had hung over the journey, making it completely impossible for Tom to relax.

The service was short, and the church was practically empty, other than him and his Nan, only two other people sat in the church. Two people that looked like they belonged in the company of the man he had once known. They were unkempt and clearly not really wanting to be there, almost as if some obligation had forced them both to be there. Tom didn't care to know what it was, he didn't care why they would be here. And it didn't surprise him that this was the turn out for his funeral. He had always been a friendless man, someone that no one would want to approach, someone that would end his days alone.

Driving down the road was strange. Hardly anything had changed. There were a few more houses now in the surrounding area, but other than that it was exactly as it had been when he walked away. The same dark cloud hanging over it, the same sadness and feeling that the people who lived here would always be here, living with nothing but what they had, not even living.

The house was different, it like the occupant had been left to rot. It was untidy and dirty looking and it held no good memories for Tom, any that he once had were now covered over by the dark ones that man had made sure he would always remember. As he stepped inside the smell hit him first, it was the same as it had been when he had left, it smelt like _him, _that's all he could describe it as.

As he walked into the living room, he saw that he had been wrong. From the outside the house look different. But inside nothing had changed. The only thing that accompanied everything else was the dust. It hung over the family pictures and ornaments that had been bought by his Mum, everything was exactly as he had left it. He felt a cool breeze and he looked towards the back of the room, the patio doors that were across the bottom of the room were now opened a little and his Nan was looking out across the overgrown garden, her arms wrapping around herself to keep her warm, clearly she had her own thoughts to think through being back here, much like she had realised that Tom would have.

He turned to look at the stairs and slowly made his way towards them, they creaked as he stepped up each one slowly, the dust on the banister a thick layer. The first thought he had, was that he had never ventured up the stairs since Tom had left, he had spent the rest of his days, in the small living room downstairs.

He reached the closed door leading into his room. He rested his hand on the handle and breathed in deeply. The room had provided him with a certain amount of comfort through all the dark times he had experienced at a young age, it had protected him from all the things he was afraid on the outside of those four walls, and yet now it scared him. The thought of going back to that time when he needed protecting from such things, a time when he felt so weak. He turned his head to look at the door into another room at the end of the hall. It was _her _room. A small smile spread across his face, as the memories of the times it had just been the two of them, watching TV curled up in that bed, when he had woken up afraid of sleeping alone in his bed.

But all that had changed with the arrival of that man. The day he arrived and moved his way in. He was no longer allowed to enter that room. Even after she had died, he was still not allowed in there. He had tried a few times, but had been caught and the reaction he received from the man had made him far too afraid to try any more. So all he could do was cling to the memories of before. But now, there was no one stopping him. There was no one between him and the room. Part of him was terrified to go any closer to walk through, afraid of what he would see. Afraid of the destruction of the room.

He opened the door slowly. Only to be surprised by its condition. It was immaculate. It was exactly the same as he remembered it being. Nothing was out of place. The bed was made in the same way his Mum had always made it, her dressing table was still laid out with her make up, toiletries and perfume as it had always been. He moved into the room quickly, he pulled open the wardrobe and stepped back quickly, her clothes still hanging in there exactly the same as they had always been. He stepped into the room further, looking around it, taking it all again. Remembering the old comfort that it used to fill him with. He had never asked the man what he had done with all his Mum's possessions, he had never dared asked if there was anything of hers that he could have kept. He was afraid of the answer it would receive.

He couldn't understand the condition of the room, he felt a certain amount of comfort standing in it, but the sight of it disturbed him slightly. It had been just left like this, he had never once thought of taking her things away, did he think so little of her not to even bother giving her that much? But he realised it wasn't that at all. It wasn't that he didn't care. It was because he _did_.

It wasn't that he couldn't be bothered to take everything out of the room. It was just that he _couldn't_. He had never once imagined that the man would have felt any loss over his Mum passing away. He was always so emotionless never showing any sign of sadness that she was gone. He never had any reason to believe that maybe he actually cared about her, that he _loved _her. But he could see from the room, the way that everything had been just so. That he had never let go of that, that the man had clung onto the fact that he would spend the rest of his life without her. He grew into a bitter old man, never moving on, stuck in moments from the past, the guilt of the person he had been then hanging over his head, in too much pain to see past it and too much of a coward to ever be able to change.

And the anger that Tom had for him seemed to fade away, and turned into pity. The man had watched his life pass him by and instead of clinging onto the one thing that would have been a reminder to him of her, he pushed the little boy further and further away, refusing to be seen as weak, refusing to admit that he was suffering and instead took that pain and resentment out on the little boy, even as he got older he continued to do so, holding some sort of power over him. For so long Tom had believed that it was his fault somehow, that maybe he had been to blame. But he saw it all so clearly now, the reason why he had hated Tom so much. It was the exact same reason he had pushed him away, because Tom reminded the man of _her_, of the life she would never have. The life that he had made worse for her, the way he had treated her even when she loved him, he had treated her so cruelly for her only to return it with love, the man hated himself. And Tom had never seen it. Not till now. Not until he was gone, all that was left behind were scatters of the pathetic life he had lived. If you could even call it living.

Tom couldn't help but think what life would be like now if he had never left, would at some point things have changed? Would there have been some kind of understand, maybe they would have both found a way through it. But it was too late for thinking like that and he knew it. Long before Tom walked out of that door those few years ago, he had already left the house in his heart, he had just gone through everyday, barely surviving, just waiting for the right time that he could be free. And while now he slightly understood the man, he still couldn't forgive him. Even in death he left behind too many questions. The main one being why? Tom could make his own answers up all he liked and speculate on why the man was the way he was, but the real truth would have only come from the man himself, and now he would never know that, perhaps he didn't really need to.

The light that had been filling the room had begun to fade, and Tom realised he had lost track of his thoughts, and was now sitting still on the bed in the semi darkness. The door creaked open, and the warm face of his Nan provided him with the comfort he needed. She didn't look surprised by the room, she looked around sadly before sitting down on the bed next to him. He could hear her breathing, unsteady, he knew she was wanting to say something, clearly thinking of the right way to say it.

"The house is yours Tom. He left it to you"

He wasn't even surprised. He had been expecting it. "I don't want it. Sell it. Burn it to the ground. I don't care"

"It hurts you a lot being back here"

"It feels like another life. Almost like its not even mine" Tom looked around the room, he looked over to his Mum's old dressing table. A picture of the the two of them together smiling, a rare occasion. "Its like the person in the picture is almost a stranger. I remember parts of his life, but its like they aren't my memories. Memories that really I don't want to remember"

He heard her sigh softly beside him. He knew she understood. He stood up slowly and picked up the picture, running his finger over the photo of his Mum. It was at that moment he remembered he didn't have any pictures of her at all, not one. In his decision to leave this house he had not even thought about taking anything from it that could be a reminder. So he had taken barely anything. He turned the frame over and pulled the picture from it, he looked at the back, her handwriting faint and faded _"my life" _he sighed and turned the picture over again, looking closely at the two people smiling back at him.

"We should sell it"

Tom heard a small voice from behind him. He turned to face the frail looking woman and smiled softly. "You're right. This place has too many bad memories. It needs a new family to make some good ones"

He folded the picture in half and placed it into his pocket. "Do you... do you want anything else from here? The house I mean?"

He shook his head "I have everything I need from here. Do you?"

"Maybe a few moments" Her voice was shaky and soft and Tom nodded understandingly, he left the room quietly shutting the door behind him. Walking down the stairs and through the door into the garden. He couldn't help but think about how his Nan knew so much. How she knew he had died, how she knew he had left the house to him. The only thought that wouldn't seem to leave him was that she had been in contact with him. That even after everything he had done, even after Tom had finally got away she had still wanted to speak to him. It didn't make any sense to him, but still it was the only option that he seemed to be able to think, he wanted to believe the friend of a friend answer given to him on the phone, but he couldn't believe it, not when the truth was staring him right in the face.

He looked out across the garden, realising for the first time how huge it was. He didn't remember spending any time in it as a child, maybe when he was very young, he vaguely remembers being out here, but certainly none from the later years he spent here. If there had been some care given to this garden he was sure that it could be beautiful. A place that even he would enjoy, if it wasn't for the dark shadow of the house hanging over it. He heard the patio door slide open, and the sound of her heels stepping towards him, resting by his side. A moment of silence as they looked across the garden.

"You had been in contact with him. All this time. Hadn't you?"

Tom heard another sigh. A defeated one. Clearly she had been hoping it would have not be realised.

"When you first came to live with me. I was so relieved. Then when you moved out I was happy that you were starting to form some kind of life. I saw the change in you straight away when you finally realised you were free from everything. Sometimes the phone would ring, and I would answer and there would be no one there. It didn't happen very often. Once every couple of months or so. Part of me... I suspected that it was him. Perhaps hoping you would pick up the phone... I don't know. Then they stopped for a few months. I didn't even think about it, until the phone rang and it was him. He didn't speak to begin with, like usual, and then he just asked one question. He just asked how you were and I replied and the phone went dead. I've never been the kind of person to bare grudges Thomas, and while that man is someone who I have spent quite a bit of my life blaming for certain events, I realised that for certain things, I was blaming the wrong person. There are too many things that could be said now, but they don't matter so much any more, they are done and can't be changed. His behaviour to you was unforgivable, and for that I have never forgiven him. But clearly like the rest of us. He had regrets and I refused to be part of him sinking further into self destruction. So he would call, and ask questions and I would tell him about you, about your life. He never said why he called, why he wanted to know any of it, but I like to believe it was his way of trying to make things right in some strange way. Like I said, it doesn't excuse any of it, but I refused to be the kind of person who would let someone else suffer even more they clearly were already. Maybe I didn't help at all, I don't know. He told me he was sick about a month ago, he told me everything he had was in this house, and that he was leaving it to you. He hadn't called since, and then I found out..."

Her voice cut off, and a breeze blew by Tom closed his eyes, trying to take in everything he had just heard. He wasn't surprised by his Nan's compassion. He was surprised by the actions of the man. For someone who had shown no sign of affection or love towards him to seem so interested in his life just felt strange to Tom. Almost like he didn't believe it was real. He opened his eyes and looked down at the woman by his side, her eyes glazing over and she stared breathlessly across the length of the garden.

"You need another moment?" She nodded slightly and Tom slide the door open and went back inside the cold house. He walked through it quickly, without looking around one last time. He paused slightly at the front door, the way he had the last time he had left the house. The day he had promised himself that he would never return. He promised it to himself again, but this time he meant it. He had no reason any more, no reason to go back.

When he stepped onto the pavement he pulled his jacket around and the took his phone out of his pocket. He dialled the number without even thinking about it. There was only one voice he wanted to hear right now. There was only one person he wanted to speak to too. It seemed to ring forever, the anticipation of being able to speak to him grew frustrating as it took too long for him to answer. When the ringing stopped the voice was low and muffled and barely audible.

"Craig?"

"Tom. Its late... I should have called you..."

"I said I'd call you. I just had something I had to..." he could hear Craig's breathing, it was uneasy and Tom knew that something was wrong, he could hear the tone of worry and upset in Craig's voice "... Craig.. what's wrong?"

"I'm at John Paul's... its erm, my Mum had an accident and I didn't want to go home and..."

"Is she okay? Why aren't you at the hospital?" Tom's mind went into a frantic panic. All he could think about was how unfair this all was. That Craig was the last person who should have to endure something so painful as losing his Mum, that he couldn't lose her not now, not when they had so many things left unresolved.

"She's okay. She's out of surgery and is stable. And I was at the hospital. But Jake... he... he didn't want me there"

Tom heard Craig's voice break, and he understood what he had meant with perfect clarity. Jake had made it clear to Craig that no one wanted him there. Jake had taken it upon himself to speak for everyone else and let Craig no that he wasn't wanted at the hospital. He had only met Jake one time and yet the anger he felt towards him in that moment was indescribable.

"I'm coming home" Tom could hear the fierceness in his voice, but he didn't care. The only thing that seemed clear in his head was getting back to Craig.

"You... really, you don't have to. You said you had things to sort out there and really its fine..."

"Craig. I'm done here. Everything I needed to know I do. The only place I want to be is with you. I'm coming home"

Craig gave in, Tom could tell he didn't have the energy to protest and it would have been futile attempts seeing as Tom's mind was already made up. He listened as Craig spoke for a moment, confirming his own thoughts of what Jake had done. Tom took in every single word, and he promised to leave as soon as the phone conversation ended, Craig muttered feeble attempts of protest but again they were lost on Tom as he said his goodbyes and promised to be back soon.

He closed his eyes and turned to look at the front door he had left open. He wanted to give his Nan more time, but he desperately had to leave, the thought of Craig suffering back there alone... _"I'm at John Paul's" _he wasn't alone. He was with John Paul. Tom knew it was irrational, but a strange feeling coursed throw him, a feeling of bitter jealously that he was there comforting Craig while Tom had been back here chasing ghosts.

John Paul had known first that Craig had been in pain. "_I should have called you"_Tom had misunderstood it at the time, he had missed the meaning behind the tone in Craig's voice. What he meant was, that he should have called Tom first, not out of wanting, but out of obligation. The feeling of sickness that Tom had in stomach only grew worse with each thought he had. Craig had gone to John Paul first. Before calling Tom, before anyone else, he had gone to John Paul. He tried to reason with himself that it was just because Tom hadn't been there, that it was because Craig had nowhere else to go and he hadn't wanted to be alone. But was he really that naive?

Even if Tom had been there. Would Craig's decision really have been anything different. And Craig sounded strange. On edge. Almost guilty. The paranoia and fear grew stronger, and Tom knew that there was most likely no reason to be, he couldn't help but feel completely numb by it. The hand that gently touched his shoulder woke him from his trance. He was happy to see his Nan looking up at him, clearly ready to leave.

The journey was quiet. Aside from Tom explaining what had happened to Craig's Mum, the rest of the journey was spent in silence. Tom figured that she was clearly going through her own feelings that the day had provoked. Tom's however were somewhere completely different. His thoughts were completely with Craig, wanting to be with Craig.

As he sat now, still far too much of the journey home to go, he turned up the radio. Trying to close out the thoughts in his mind and focus entirely on the song filling the car. He had no reason to doubt Craig. He had never given him any reason to feel this way. And yet the feeling wouldn't dissolve away. The jealously that had been sparked by his realisation would not fade away. He hated that Craig was so far away and with someone else. Someone else comforting him. Someone else trying to understand and be there for him. The feeling was strange, another one in the long line he had that day, but this one bothered him more than the others, because he had Craig was something he had always been so sure of. So secure in. And now the doubt wouldn't leave.


	28. Fooling Who

John Paul was sure that he was dreaming. He could feel reality pulling him out of his subconscious, but he clung onto it with all he had. It was dark in his dream, and he was fairly sure that he was lost. He was wandering around, clearly looking for something. But there was no panic. He felt no anxiety as he moved through this dark place, searching for whatever it was he was looking for. He felt a comfort wash over him, as his hand was grabbed by another, someone else's fingers locking with his and squeezing his hand gently. He smiled down at the two hands entwined and realised the reasoning behind his lack of fear. He wasn't alone. And he wasn't lost any more.

Suddenly the darkness had turned into a bright light, and it wasn't just the two of them any more. He looked up to see the faces of his family looking back at him, Chloe's face, Tom's face and the hand that held onto his own was gone, and the body was walking further and further away from, he tried not to be scared as he followed, desperately trying to keep up, but suddenly he was gone and all that was left was John Paul and his family. Now all standing round him, glaring at him through disapproving eyes.

It was then that John Paul jumped up from sleep. His hands pressed firmly against his face and his breathing in a complete state of panic. He looked around his room. Everything was exactly the same as it had been before, except now the light shining through the curtains, the daylight making itself known. He breathed in deeply and lay back down. He could feel the cool breathe on his face and he turned slowly to look at Craig. John Paul turned his body to face Craig's and leaned his face slightly closer.

Craig's eyes were closed lightly and John Paul wondered if Craig was faking sleep. He moved his head closer trying to get a reaction. But nothing. Again he rested his head comfortably on the pillow still looking at Craig. It didn't seem real that he was so close. That all he had to do was lift up his hand and touch his face, to move that bit closer and be able to feel his lips against his own. It all seemed so easy like this. When he looked at Craig like this everything that he was so afraid of seemed insignificant.

But maybe that was what made it hurt even more for John Paul. Because none of those fears are insignificant. Not the feelings of his family or the feelings of Tom. They were what stopped the moment that he and Craig shared right now from being perfect. How could it be when there were so many lies hanging over them? How could it be when John Paul's own fear was still preventing him from being completely honest.

"You fidget in your sleep. Did you know that?" The voice made John Paul jump. Craig's eyes were still closed, but he had a small smile across his face. "I tried to keep hold of you but you kept moving away. I'm taking it personally"

John Paul smiled "You should. That was my way of saying get the hell away from me"

Craig opened one eye, a small smile still across his face "I knew it" he closed his eye again and moved slightly closer to John Paul.

John Paul had no idea what to do now. He had so many questions running through his mind. But as he opened his mouth to say each one, they all seemed stupid and as he felt Craig move closer towards him, pulling their bodies close together with his arms, all coherent thoughts seemed to escape his mind. He could feel Craig's breathe on his neck, making his skin tingle.

"That's not fair you know. I completely forgot what I was thinking of"

"That was the point" John Paul felt Craig place a kiss on his neck and the his mouth was close to his ear "You think too much"

"Craig..." But his thought was lost again as Craig's lips moved their way across John Paul's jawline, down his chin before finding their way to his mouth, kissing him softly. Any thought or fear that John Paul may have had only moments ago seemed to dissolve away as he gave into the kiss, moving his own arms to grip onto Craig's back, leaning his own body in as close as he possibly could.

Breaking apart seemed like such a painful thing to have to do, neither of them wanting to, but the lack of air forcing them to. John Paul smiled slightly as he looked into Craig eyes, which were now wide and bright.

"Okay. So now you can tell me what you were thinking"

John Paul closed his eyes, trying to think back to only a moment ago when he had so many things to say, which now all seemed like nothing in comparison to having woken up with Craig by his side.

"I..."

The sound of his name being called loudly from downstairs made reality come crashing around him, the sound of his Mum's voice bellowing through the house bought all those fears and questions flooding back into his mind. He shot up out of the bed and ran to the door, locking it quickly. He looked over to Craig, his face was calm and gentle and he smiled as he rolled onto his back and placed his hands behind his head.

"What are you doing? Get up!" John Paul's voice was frantic but whispered, he couldn't believe Craig was being so calm. He swore he could hear his Mum's footsteps climbing the stairs, but still Craig remained, unmoving.

"Just tell her I stayed over"

"I can't do that..."

"John Paul I really don't think your Mum is gonna see me here and think oh John Paul and Craig must be together now because he stayed over..."

"That's not the point Craig..."

"Why are you whispering? Unlock the door"

"What?" John Paul could feel the panic rising in his chest again. He couldn't believe Craig was being like this. He knew how John Paul felt. He knew that he wasn't ready for this. That this was too much.

"I'm not going to say anything. Is that what you think?" Craig was moving from the bed now, Making his way closer to John Paul "I wouldn't do that. I heard what you said last night. I did. But as far as your Mum is concerned we're friends right?" Craig was now standing opposite him, his hands resting lightly on John Paul's hips. He felt like moving away, he knew he should. Especially if his Mum was going to be at the door any second. But the feeling of having Craig so close again was too good. "And friends stay over at other friends" Craig kissed John Paul quickly and reached behind them and unlocked the door "Now calm down"

Craig moved to the bed and sat down pulling on the shoes that he had removed last night and then threw a smile at John Paul. He could feel himself calming down and he moved away from the door as he heard a light tapping against it.

"John Paul you awake?"

"Yeah Mum. Come in"

John Paul breathed in deeply and turned to look at the window. He looked down at his clothes. They were exactly the same as the day before. He hadn't wanted to move away from Craig last night and finally sleep had taken over them.

"Hey love... oh Hi Craig..."

"Hiya Mrs McQueen"

John Paul turned to see his Mum smiling widely "Its Myra. You didn't tell me you were having someone stay over love... not that I mind..."

"It was actually my fault Mrs... Myra. I had a bit of a family emergency type thing and well I asked John Paul if he wouldn't mind me crashing. I didn't want to be on my own"

"Ahh its no problem. Nice to see our John Paul making friends here"

John Paul looked between the two of them. He wasn't sure if he had daydreamed the whole scene that played out in front of him. He tried to keep with the light mood that filled the room but he felt for sure that the panic was showing in his face.

"You alright love? You look like you might be sick"

John Paul wasn't sure if he had spoken. But he figured something along the lines that he was fine had been said.

"You staying for breakfast Craig?"

John Paul heard Craig's phone on his desk and he picked it up, passing it to Craig. "No. Thanks. But I need to get home"

"Oh yeah of course"

John Paul looked towards Craig whose face was looking down at his phone. He could see the struggle across his face. The want to answer the phone, but also how hard it was for him to do just that. He drowned out the noise of his Mum talking and tried to focus on just Craig. To try and get him to look up without having to move nearer or touch him. But Craig didn't. He remained staring at the phone until it rung off.

"Oi. John Paul... are you listening? I said Chloe called for you yesterday. She was trying to get hold of you. You really need to keep better tabs on your girlfriend"

John Paul turned to his Mum who was laughing to herself and picking up dirty washing, before leaving the room. John Paul moved closely behind her and shut the door, resting his head against it. The panic rising in his chest again.

"Girlfriend huh?"

Craig's voice bought him out of the state he was in and he turned to face him.

"I thought the two of you broke up?"

"We did. I just didn't tell my family that"

Craig nodded "Why not?"

"Craig. You have to understand how hard this is for me. You know... and my family they love Chloe, they've been practically planning the wedding for the last year. I just was waiting for the right time to tell them..."

"I do know how hard this is for you... but you need to be honest..."

"Don't_ you_talk to me about honesty. Who was that on the phone eh? Your boyfriend?"

"That's not the same thing"

"Lying is lying Craig. Some of us are just better at it than others"

"Yeah and you are great at it John Paul. Brilliant I would even say. You're life is an entire lie. You let you're family believe that you are happy and the truth of it is you are anything but. Last night... last night was the only time that I have ever seen you like that. So relaxed and comfortable and you can't tell me that you didn't feel it. I was there"

"Well like you say. I'm a good liar"

The words had fallen out of his mouth before he even had a chance to process them. He didn't even know why he sad them. He didn't mean it. And Craig was right. John Paul had never felt like that before. Not with anyone.

"I didn't mean that. Last night..." John Paul stumbled over his words again. He searched Craig's face and all he could see was he's eyes questioning what he had said, what he was about to say "It was quite probably one of the best nights of my life"

John Paul heard Craig let out a heavy sigh "If being with me was one of the best nights of your life. You need to get out more. I'm really not worth it"

John Paul shook his head and stepped closer to Craig "Yes you are"

Craig stepped backwards, shaking his head. "No I'm not. That _was _Tom. He came back for me. From time with his Nan, time that he doesn't get very often. And he came back for me, I didn't even ask him to. I could have told him not to bother, but he still would have. Because that's who _he_ is. How am I supposed to stand in front of him and look at him? How can I do this to him?"

John Paul stepped away. He could see Craig's eyes beginning to fill with tears. And he understood what Craig meant. "Well maybe you shouldn't do this to him then... you and him, your good together, and well you and me... you and me... it err can just be... we can just say it never happened..."

John Paul couldn't finish the sentence, Craig was already close to him, he's hands were on John Paul's face holding on for dear life.

"That's not... no. Last night was one of the best nights of my life too. But I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you... because I'm gonna walk back into that flat, and I am gonna have every intention to talk to Tom. To tell him. But I won't. I can say all these things about you being honest, to your family, to yourself, but I'm the worst one, because I'll never do it myself..."

"Then why stay here Craig? I told you no. I said that this was wrong. Why stay with me? Why give me last night to just take it all back?"

"I don't want to take it back. I meant everything I said. But Tom..."

"I told you I wasn't ready for this, that I needed time. But you know how I feel about you, how I am when I'm with you. What happens between us when were together, like some kind of pull... you should have walked away, you never should have stayed if you didn't think you'd be able to see this through"

Craig's hands fell from John Paul's face and he stepped backwards. The ringing on his phone started again. John Paul closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Just go Craig. Clearly we were kidding ourselves. It's so easy when its just you and me. We can lock ourselves away in this room all we like. But it's not real. I can't even tell anyone because I am too damn scared, and you say you love me, but I know you love him too, and thats not good enough. It's not good enough for either of us"

John Paul didn't remember much else. He was sure he heard the lock on the door open and the door shut behind him. And he remembered the floor, as he slowly fell towards it. Laying there for however long he did. He felt for sure he had drifted back into his dreams, or maybe he had yet to wake up, maybe everything that had just happened had been the dream. But as he moved his head he knew this was real. _This _was the reality. He could hear his name again being called. It stopped after a while, and then started again as more people came back home. But he didn't move from where he lay. They wouldn't come and check on him. They weren't calling him out of concern, more out of an obligation, out of another way they found to irritate him, then when they got bored and realised he wasn't responding they would stop, laughing loudly no doubt adding an insult about him.

The dream this time was harsher. He hadn't even remembered falling asleep. This time there was no hand for him to hold. And it seemed darker than before. And he _was _afraid. More afraid than he had ever remembered being. There was no family either. No one looking at him. He was alone. Just him laying in the darkness.


	29. Where I Stood

**Just a quick hi to anyone still reading this. I know its long, but thanks to anyone who is sticking with it )**

**Zara McGrath - Thanks for the comments. Really glad you are enjoying the story. As you can see its not the end of the story. I have no idea how much longer it will go on for tbh :P**

**Claire xx**

* * *

The 10 minute journey back to their flat seemed to drag on forever for Craig. He started conversations with Tom, all of them failing as only one word answers were given. Now an awkward silence hung over the them. Craig turned to examine Tom's face. His eyes were wide and fixed on the road in front of him, but his expression seemed blank. Craig couldn't help but feel like there was something Tom needed to say. That when he had been away something had happened to him when he was away, that he was struggling with, whether or not to say anything.

Craig turned away again and looked out the window. It suddenly dawned on him why the journey was taking so long. They weren't going home. They were on the main road now. Heading just out of town. A sickness rose in his stomach.

"Where are we going?"

Tom sighed heavily. He seemed annoyed, irritated. That Craig should have figured it out exactly where they were going.

"To the hospital"

"What? Tom. No. I'm not welcome there. Jake made his feelings pretty clear about that yesterday. Turning up there is only going to cause trouble"

Craig heard Tom sigh again. He was shaking his head, clearly getting more irritated as he drove on. He never once turned to look at him, he didn't raise his voice, his voice sounded calm, it didn't match the feelings radiating from his body or showing on his face.

"One. Jake is an arse. I don't care how clear he made his feelings. I couldn't give a shit about Jake's feelings. I care about yours. Two. She is your Mum. And no matter what anyone says, that means something. It means more than you will probably ever understand Craig. More than you can ever begin to comprehend. Even after what she has said. I can guarantee one thing to you now. She would want you to be there"

Craig shook his head sadly and returned to staring out the window. He could see the hospital turning approaching. And again he felt sick. He could just picture Jake's face as he turned up with Tom. The look of disgust he would throw in their direction. The insults he would have ready to throw at them both.

"Stop thinking about Jake. Think about your Mum"

He turned to look at Tom again, who was still staring directly ahead. He hated that. He hated that Tom knew him so well. How did he do that? How did he know that was exactly what he was thinking. Why wouldn't he look at him? The car came to a stop. Craig almost found the courage to say something, but the door was open and Tom was out the car before he had a chance to speak. He felt the cool air hit him as Tom opened the door for Craig. Again he didn't look at him. He just looked straight ahead. And Craig stepped out shutting the door behind him.

The hospital was just as Craig had remembered it. Silent and cold. The only difference was the waiting room was full of more people. More people walking around. More staff. But still silent. Tom walked ahead of him. Asking for the receptionist for the room Frankie was in. Craig watched him in a state of shock. He hadn't expected to be dragged here like this. He hadn't expected Tom to act like this, or where any of it was coming from.

The corridor was long, and wide. With even longer corridors off of it. Again Tom walked ahead. Determined. And in silence. He never once said anything. Even as they reached the ward. He just opened the door for Craig allowing them both to step through and go to the small nurses station as the walked in.

Craig didn't want to do this. He looked around for any signs of his family. Mostly Jake. Terrified of any kind of confrontation. Then he felt himself being pulled along by Tom, to a room down another corridor, far out the way. And then. _Finally, _Tom caught his eyes and held them.

"I'll wait out here"

Craig felt a surge of courage rush through him as he looked into Tom's eyes. He saw just for a second a spark of something in Tom's eyes, and then it flickered away and the gaze was lost again, and Tom shuffled down the corridor before sitting down on one of the seats. Craig watched him for a moment, but Tom never turned to look at him. He sat staring ahead, looking at the wall opposite.

Craig turned slowly towards the door. The courage he had seemed to be fading and he knew he had to do this now or he never would be able to. He pushed the door open slowly and took in everything about the small room. It was light, the large window on the far wall spilling light into the room, looking out across the town. It smelled different from the corridor had, the many bouquets of flowers having left their scent in the room. Cards scattered across the window seal. He finally let his eyes wander to the bed. And suddenly the room felt huge. She looked so small against everything. Her skin was pale, and tubes and lines seemed to be everywhere.

He felt completely frozen to the spot, the only option that seemed possible was running out the door. But slowly he saw her head turn to look at him. Her face was pale and weak. Almost unrecognisable to him. Not the same woman he usually saw as his Mum. He couldn't quite read her face. Whether it was shock or relief, anger or happy, maybe it was all of them. He couldn't be sure.

He somehow found himself moving forward moving a chair and sitting down quietly by her side.

"You came"

"Of course I did"

Craig looked down into his hands and rubbed them together nervously. He felt the bed move slightly as Frankie moved her hand reaching it towards Craig. He took hold of the hand with both of his and leant forward, resting his head against it. All the tears finally pouring out. Not just for the accident. But for everything. For everything he had ever said to her. For all the times he had been mad and said he hated her. He wanted to take it all back.

"Mum I am so sorry. You have no idea..."

"What are you sorry for? You have _nothing_to be sorry for you. If anyone does its me. The way I've treated you over the past year has been appalling. The things I've said to you, the conditions I put on you. I've been unforgivably unfair. I wish I could give you some kind of reason, a good reason at least. Would it be enough if I said I was scared? Terrified of how to deal with it, so instead of doing just that... I ignored it, ignored you. And fought against it with everything I had..."

Craig heard her voice crack and fade as she turned to look out the window. He gripped onto her hand tighter "We don't have to talk about this now..."

Her head turned back slowly to look at Craig "Actually I think we do. It's bad that something like this should make me see how terrible I've been to you. That something happening... just shows you how close you can become to losing everything. I wasted all that time treating you like that..."

"It doesn't matter... seriously. You just made mistakes. We've all done that Mum. I wasn't exactly easy to live with. All that matters now, is that you're okay. All that other stuff we can sort out once your better. We don't need to talk about now"

Craig heard Frankie sigh and she turned her head to look out the window again. "Do Jake and Steph know you came here today?"

"No... I did come the night of the accident. But... Jake he..."

"Yes. Steph told me about that. I'm sorry he treated you like that Craig. But you know Jake"

"I'm not sure I do actually. Not after that. I wasn't planning on coming here. I wasn't sure if I'd be welcome. Jake said that... he basically said that no one would want me here. Not even you"

Frankie shook her head "He was wrong. Jake doesn't seem to be able to let things go at all does he? Too much like his Father. What made you change your mind then? What made you come here?"

"Tom. He pretty much didn't give me much say in the matter. Just drove me here. Told me to come see you. I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him"

"In more ways the one I think. He's helped you a lot hasn't he? Been there for you. I'm happy you had someone like that. I'm only ashamed that I couldn't be there for you too"

"He really has helped me. I wouldn't be the same without him. You'd like him. Maybe once you're better, I mean if you want to, you could meet him. Properly"

"I'd like that. Are you and him.. together now or..."

Craig held his breathe, the answer that seemed so easy to give just wouldn't come our of his mouth. Yes, they were together. They are. It was the answer that part of him desperately wanted to give, the part of him that needed Tom, that needed him to stay with him. He couldn't think of John Paul. Not now. He had to think about what there was in this moment. What he knew. He needed his Mum back. And he needed the support of Tom to help him get through this. Thinking of anything else or anyone else was just selfish.

"Yeah. Yeah we're together now"

Frankie smiled slightly "Well. I'm happy for you then"

A small silence filled the room. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, it was just what the two of them needed. To adjust to the feeling of trying to let everything else that had happened go. Craig released his Mum's hands and stood up slowly out of his chair. "I should go. If Jake comes back and sees me here..."

"You don't need to leave because of him..."

"I don't want to start a fight Mum. Not here. I will come back tomorrow though. And everyday until you're out of here. I'll talk to Jake... well at least try to"

Craig leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

"Thank you for coming"

Craig just smiled and squeezed her hand tightly before turning to leave. He walked as slowly as he could out the room, turning just once to watch her – again she was looking out the window, her hand wiping away tears that were falling. He shut the door firmly behind him as he left and leaned against it. He breathed in and out deeply. Wondering where it was that he had found the strength to do that. He closed his eyes. The smell of the corridor hitting his lungs.

He could here the footsteps approaching. He knew it would be Tom. He didn't open his eyes for a while, but still he felt Tom take hold of his hand with both of he's holding onto it tightly. Craig couldn't help the surge of guilt that washed over him in that moment. How would Tom feel if he knew what had happened the night before? Craig didn't even understand it himself, he didn't even know if it mattered now. He didn't want to open his eyes. He knew the guilt he was feeling would only multiply if he was to look into Tom's eyes right now.

He looked down and opened his eyes only then, he looked at Tom's hands wrapped tightly around his own. The feelings rushing through him at an incredible pace, he felt glad that he was here. That without him, he wouldn't even be standing here having done that. He would still be hiding away from everything.

He heard Tom whisper his name softly, but he still couldn't look up. Craig knew from the tone in Tom's voice, that he could tell something was bothering Craig, there were questions in his voice, clearly wondering what had happened in the room. But that wasn't what was bothering Craig. He from the moment he had walked into that room and seen his Mum's face, he could tell, he _knew _that everything was different now between them. He wasn't naive enough to believe that everything could magically be okay between them, he still knew that things would somehow be okay.

No, it wasn't that the bothered him. It was the fact that he now seemed faced with a decision. Whether he wanted to accept it or not, last night meant something. He had been there with John Paul and he had felt everything that he had felt, the feelings that he had been repressing were slowly becoming real and the more time he spent with John Paul and the more time he spent questioning those feelings, all they did was grow stronger and stronger, they were becoming undeniable, he had no say. But as he stood here with the person who knew more about him than anyone in the world, the one person who knew exactly what to do and say, and be there unconditionally, he felt like he was betraying everything he and Tom had ever meant to each other. How could he look at him now? How could he continue to do this to Tom, while lying to himself?

He hadn't let himself ever think about telling Tom any of this. He was hoping he continuing avoiding and eventually the feelings he had would dissolve away, but he had been fooling himself all along, the desperation of wanting the lie to be real making him believe it. The fear that if he faced up to his feelings he would most likely lose his best friend forever. How could Tom forgive this? How could they go back after this, knowing everything they felt for one another. He_loved _Tom and he wanted him in his life – but if in having that meant never seeing John Paul again. Never feeling the way he felt the night before again, he knew he _couldn't_ live without that.

Tom whispered his name again and Craig finally gave in and looked up slowly. Two green eyes staring intently at him, they were soft and full of worry and behind all that Craig was sure he could see a sign of sadness, resignation. He felt as if there was something he wanted to say, but the words never left his mouth, he felt himself being pulled along the corridor, making their way out the hospital, and he guessed this time, really go home.

As Craig stepped outside the cool air hit his face, somewhat waking him up from the daze he had found himself to be in the hospital. He followed Tom to the car slowly, watching him carefully. There was something different. Tom seemed tense, like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and Craig couldn't help but feel worried. Because whenever there was something wrong, Tom always went to Craig, usually Craig would pick up on it straight away and ask him flat out. But Craig couldn't figure out Tom's mood.

The car journey was silent. A few times Craig thought maybe Tom wanted to say something, opening his mouth to begin to speak, but then letting out a small sigh, before turning his complete focus back to the main road.

Even as they arrived home. The two of them sat silently in the car for a few moments. And Craig watched Tom look up sadly at their flat. Almost wanting to hold out the two of them having to go up there. Craig tried to catch his eye, but Tom was already out the car and heading towards the door.

The flat was empty and Tom rushed quickly through to the kitchen, he started busying himself, cleaning up the mess that Jasmine had left from the morning. Craig watched him from the doorway frantically moving about, and he knew that something was defienetly wrong. Tom never got like this, not unless he had something on his mind. Craig moved slowly through the living room and stopped in front of the kitchen table, still watching Tom.

"Tom..." He didn't stop he continued pick up the mess from the table, placing the magazines that had been thrown across it into one pile. Craig grabbed Tom's hand almost aggressively and refused to let it go even as Tom struggled to get it free.

Craig said he's name again. This time harsher, desperately trying to get his attention away from the mess of the kitchen. "What's wrong? I feel like you've been waiting to tell me something"

Craig watched as Tom shook his head and looked down at their hands held together "No. I've been waiting for _you _to tell _me_"

Craig let go of Tom's hand and stepped backward slightly. Tom was looking at Craig now, with the same eyes from the hospital, full of sadness and most of fear. Craig stumbled over his words as he tried to figure out what Tom meant, deep down knowing the exact truth of it, but not wanting to be how this ended.

Craig felt as though he had been stuck in one of those moments that would never end. Hanging in the balance, trying to figure out what to do for the best. The options seemed fairly easy, the decision was an easy one to make. He knew he had to be honest, he could play ignorant and walk away and carry on as if nothing had happened, that nothing had changed, but with Tom that wasn't easy. He could feel Tom's stare on him as he gazed down to he floor, the silence was becoming deafening, waiting for someone to speak, to say something. _Anything._

I_ don't know what I've done - or if I like what I've begun_

He heard Tom mutter his name quietly. And he couldn't do it. He couldn't do _this. _He was being selfish and a coward, but he didn't want to not have Tom in his life. He didn't want to face the fact that if he was honest right now, he would lose the one person who had always been there for him. And what would it be for? Someone he hardly knew? Someone who he was quite positive didn't even know who they were. And yet all he could see in his mind was John Paul's face. He had memorised he's eyes as they lay together the night before, looking closely at them when John Paul had disappeared into a daydream.

Craig felt Tom's body move closer, he heard his name again, louder this time.

"Craig. I need you to talk to me. _Please... _look at me"

He met Tom's gaze and instantly regretted it. They weren't angry or sad. They were sympathetic and concerned. Even now when Tom was about to face the truth, a truth that he clearly already knew, Craig could still see the same thing in his eyes, the same love and affection. And it only made everything harder.

_But something told me to run and honey you know me it's all or none_

"I wasn't honest with you about where I've been the last couple of days"

Tom averted his eyes and looked down at his hands and Craig felt them hold onto his own.

"I _was_with my Nan. And she did need to see me. But I didn't tell you why" Craig held onto Tom's hands tightly, stepping slightly closer to him "Stewart died"

"Ste... Oh. _Stewart"_ Craig looked up and met Tom's eyes. Again they weren't sad. He knew that Tom would have no reason to feel sad about the passing of a man who had made his life hell.

"I went to the funeral with my Nan. Back to that house. Back to a life that I promised myself I never would. Because the thing is, you can push something out or try to, but inevitably it will catch up with you, no matter how much you ignore it..."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have come with you"

"I know you would have. I didn't doubt that for a second. It's exactly the reason I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to see that part of my life. I liked the fact that you weren't. You were part of this life now, not the one I had back then. And mostly, I was ashamed, to have you see where I came from. Besides, you were needed here. If you hadn't been here..."

Craig shook his head sadly "I wish you would have told me"

"I wish I had to. I knew you'd never be ashamed of me. I knew all you would have been was amazing. But still its done now. No point in wishing to change things that we can't"

_There were sounds in my head, little voices whispering that I should go and this should end oh and I found myself listening_

Craig shook his head again and looked down at their hands entwined. Tom moved his away and slowly placed a hand on Craig's face. He leant into it, closing his eyes as he did.

"Your turn then Craig" Craig snapped his eyes open and the hand on his face fell. "Just tell me"

"I can't..."

"Yes you can. You've always been honest with me. So I need you to be now"

Craig looked into Tom's eyes again. Finally he saw what he had been dreading. He hardly ever seen Tom look weak, he had always been so good at putting on a front. Even when the two of them had spent so much time talking, most of the stories Tom had told about his past had been without much emotion, almost as if he was numb by it all. Craig was beginning to see that the only thing that caused an emotional reaction from Tom, was him.

_Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you all I know is that I should_

Tom stepped closer, the gap between them almost closed now. "You just have to say it. You just have to say... that _this _is over"

Craig heard Tom's voice break and he moved his head forward resting it against Tom's moving his hands quickly up to Tom's face "I'm sorry.."

Tom lifted his head up slightly so Craig could see into his eyes, their faces now inches apart, Tom's own hands finding their way to Craig's face "You don't have to be sorry... I never thought... I never imagined you would want me..."

"I did. I _do. _ But I..."

"I know" Tom nodded his head a little "I do understand. What we have its not the same... its not the same as what you feel for _him_"

"You should hate me. I deserve that..."

_And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you all I know is that I should_

"You don't get it do you? I _can't _hate you. You're the most important person in my life. The only person who ever made me feel like I was worth anything"

Tom's voice was controlled as he spoke. Craig could hear his voice break every now and then as he spoke, desperately trying to fight back any tears.

"I never believed it Craig. I wanted to more than anything, because god I love you" Tom closed his eyes briefly "But I was there when you met him. I watched you with him the first night you met him. You know when he went running out the bar and you followed him? Everyone else left. But I stayed hiding away, just watching. You looked... the way you looked at him. I had been waiting so long for you to have that look, wanting so much to be the person who made you look like that, that I would be the person you would look at and want, like I could you wanted him. But you never did. Even the night after that party, even every night after that, you never did. So I_ knew. _ I knew I was just living in this relationship on borrowed time, waiting for you to figure out that it wasn't what you really wanted. Maybe I should have said something, stopped it. But when you said you wanted me, and kissed me I just... I let myself believe it, I let myself believe that it was enough. But it's not is it?"

Craig's eyes met Tom's again. They were full of want for an answer to the question and wet from the tears that he was failing to hold back. "I wish it was enough. Part of me just wants to stay here and ignore everything else as well and just be with you. I know I'd be happy. You have meant so much to me and I don't even think you realise it. You never believe me when I say I wouldn't be here now without you, but really I wouldn't. And for that I want to stay and have it just be you and me... but it's not fair. You deserve someone who feels about you exactly the same way, who wants to be completely with that person, and I know I never can be. I have to see, otherwise I won't know and I'll always wonder what could have been..."

_See I thought love was black and white that it was wrong or it was right_

"You know what this means right?" Craig's eyes searched Tom's face, trying to figure out what he meant. Tom's eyes looked away, down at the hands that were entwined before pulling his own away and suddenly it sunk in.

"No... Tom..." Craig grabbed at Tom's hands before he could move them away completely, pulling them closer to him holding them tighter than he ever had before "I can't lose you. I don't know what to do without you in my life"

"What do you want me to do Craig? Watch while you and him figure out what you both want? And I know it will be each other. I see the way he looks at you, even if his not ready now, he wants you and he loves you just as much you want him. Am I supposed to watch you with someone else?" Tom moved his hands away again and Craig reached to grab at anything he could, pulling at Tom's shirt moving him closer. "I can't do that Craig"

"_Please..._"

_But you ain't leaving without a fight and I think I am just as torn inside_

Tom closed his eyes "Don't make it harder for me. This really is the best thing. You need to figure out what you want and I need to go and find a way to get... I can't be around you and not be with you, its too hard"

"Tom. I need you please. Just stay, we can work through this. We were friends before all this..."

"Things aren't the same anymore" Tom's hands moved to where Craig had hold of his shirt and he pulled them away. Making more distance between the two of them. Craig dropped his hands limply to his sides and he tried his best to take everything in, he watched as Tom backed away more and more. Before he finally stopped.

"I'm gonna go and stay with my Nan again for a little while. I think she needs someone right now. And it makes sense. You can stay here. Jazzie and Michael won't mind"

"Will you come back?"

"Eventually"

Tom turned around slowly. Craig desperately wanted to run over to him and beg him not to leave, but he knew it wouldn't make any difference. Tom's mind was already made up. There was no way he could take any of it back now, no matter how much he wanted too.

_And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call you meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all_

"Craig. If you need anything. If you're in trouble or things get bad and you can't... and you don't have anyone else. I'll always be here. I just need to go now. You understand right?"

Craig nodded his headed slightly. He did understand. He didn't want to. But he did. He didn't want him to go anywhere.

_But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you this is what I have to do_


	30. I Thought It Was You

It had been so easy for John Paul to pretend that nothing had happened that night. Almost too easy. He lay in his room silently for hours after going through every scenario of what would happen next in his head. He thought about how Craig had left with Tom. He thought about the two of them together. The jealousy making him feel sick to his stomach, but also the relief that Craig had been able to leave so quickly without further protests from his Mum, both of those two emotions conflicting with one another. A part of him wanting Craig to be back with him. He hadn't left his room much at all that day. Just wanting to avoid any kind of contact with his sisters and Mum. He had lifted himself from his bed and put on some music and sat down at his desk. Trying to focus on the homework that he should have had finished by now, trying to lose himself in the book they were supposed to have read two chapters of.

The words on the page kept blending into one another and nothing wasn't making sense, he couldn't keep his mind from wandering. He couldn't stop the anger he felt at himself from re-surfacing. Why was he so intent on pushing away the one person who seemed to really care about him? And why did he seem so comfortable doing it. He should have been holding onto that feeling with everything he had, but instead he always found himself running away. Pushing people away. Even his family, he blamed them for making him feel like an outsider. But he was the one locking himself away in his room, not letting any of them in. He was the one who was afraid.

The day had passed quickly. He had read the two chapters, highly doubtful that any of it had gone. He had finished his essay which had absolutely no thought at all put into it. He tried to care, but all he could feel was relief that it had been finished. It was dark by the time he had done that, and he realised he had no more excuses not to venture downstairs. As he reached halfway down, he saw them all settled together on the sofa and chair. Carmel and Michaela sitting in the chair together. His Mum, Tina, Jacqui and Mercedes all squeezed onto the sofa. He couldn't help but let out a small laugh as they all sat there so caught up in whatever chick flick it was they were watching tonight. He sat down on the stairs and watched them for a few moments. Michaela rested her head on Carmel's shoulder, closing her eyes. Sometimes he despaired at the family he had, their behavior sometimes making him wish he had nothing to do with them. But then there were times like this, when he knew that no matter what, they would always be there for him, at least that's what he hoped. He hadn't let himself spend time with his family like this in a long time. And he couldn't help but feel like it had gone completely unnoticed by them. That his presence hadn't even been missed.

He stood up and looked back up the few stairs he had come down and then back to his family. He sighed heavily and began to step down. As he reached the bottom all six faces were staring at him. Mercedes looked back to the TV quickly, but the rest seemed to give him the same smile, happy to finally see him, and in a way slightly sympathetic. They all slowly turned back to the TV screen, apart from his Mum, who continued to look at him. Her eyes turned to a questioning look, almost asking him if were okay. John Paul nodded slightly and continued the walk through to the kitchen, only just realising how hungry he was.

He reached the counter and rested his arms against it, he sighed heavily again. He heard his Mum's voice talking to him quietly. She had followed him into the kitchen and was talking about dinner. He watched her as she removed a dish from the oven, clearly having left him some from earlier. He knew she wanted to talk to him. He could tell, he had known it was coming. It was what had kept him hidden away in his room all day for the most part. And he wanted to talk to her, he did, he just couldn't now. He took the plate off her and walked into the living room, sitting himself down on the floor, watching as the titles of the film began to roll.

Suddenly he could feel all eyes on him as he began to eat. John Paul still didn't speak, he waited for someone else to start the conversation, as he always did. He listened as the talked about the film, all of them arguing about the ending, and about who should have ended up with who. He started to drift onto his own thoughts again. He couldn't help but think of Craig. He wanted to know if he was okay. The look he had given him just before he had left seemed to be haunting him. He could see that he wanted to stay, he was waiting for John Paul to ask, and the words had been right there, he could have so easily said them, but he hadn't. Was he always going to feel so scared?

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard his name. It hadn't been directed at him. But the six of them were all discussing something. The only words he could make out were. John Paul. Birthday. Party. He stopped eating straight away, suddenly feeling very sick. He had no idea what the date was. He worked it out quickly in his head. It was his birthday next week. And he had completely forgotten. And now his family wanted to throw a party. There was no way this could end well. It was a bad idea. But all he could see were six eager faces smiling at him, already planned practically every detail. He remembered nodding or muttering some kind of agreement, and then vanishing as quickly as he could out of the living room and back up to the safety of his room.

He felt like he couldn't breathe. He could hear the excited noise from downstairs. He sat on the edge of his bed as they talked, waiting for it to die down so he could lay down and go to sleep and pretend none of it was happening. Eventually it did, and he felt his head hit the pillow. He closed his eyes and instantly he had the image of the night before, of Craig so close to him, holding onto him. His eyes opened again and he jumped up off the bed. He had to get over this. He was fairly certain that Craig would be with Tom right now, that whatever last night was, it certainly wasn't anything and more importantly, it_ couldn't _be anything. He just wasn't ready. He didn't even know what he wanted. The one thing he did have without Craig's presence was clarity. Every time he was around Craig things seemed to blur somehow and he could feel something else taking over him, almost like someone else had invaded his body. But things were clear now. As he stood alone in his room. This is just how it was going to be.

There was no way he was ready to go and tell those six people any of the way he had been feeling recently.

There was no way he was ready to be with Craig.

All he was certain of was the overwhelming fear any time he felt or thought about either of those two things, and that right there set alarm bells ringing off in his head. No matter how good it felt when he was with Craig, or how much the two of them wanted to pretend the outside world didn't exist. It _did. _And there was no way John Paul was ready to face any of that. What they have wasn't real. It could never be real, not while one of them was too scared and the other was with someone else. It was an impossible situation. He felt like he had had this conversation with himself so many times, and then he would see Craig or talk to him, and all of it would fade away. But he couldn't do it this time. He couldn't let that feeling over take him like before. He had to be strong and do the right thing.

The night was long. And it seemed to take John Paul ages to fall asleep. He went over everything he would say to Craig when he saw him tomorrow at College. All the things he could say. He tried to imagine Craig close to him. But every time he did he got lost in all the feelings he was trying to repress. He finally did drift off into sleep, but then his eyes opened and it was daylight, he had got a few hours but it felt like only minutes. The long night passing by far too quickly.

He got up quickly out of bed, not lingering on anything that could possibly happen that day. He got into his routine quickly, trying to focus everything on that. Planning exact times that he would do things. His shower. Getting dressed. Eating breakfast. Each task lasting the exact time he had set out for them too. He even managed to plan it so perfectly that he didn't have to speak to any of his family, and by the time they had ventured downstairs he was already half way out the door on his way to meet Nancy.

He always met Nancy first. And then they would meet Sarah, Craig and Hannah along the way. It was another routine one he had settled into fairly quickly after having arrived. He liked it. He liked_ them._ His _friends_. Nancy especially. She never made any excuses for herself, she is who she is and she didn't even care what anyone thought. John Paul envied her, with her opinionated ways and ever changing hair colour. Her confidence outshone everyone. Some people seemed to find her intimidating but there was something about her that John Paul couldn't help but love. The only trouble was she was far to observant for her own good.

"What's wrong with you?" John Paul had barely reached her when she was already calling over to him. "You look awful"

"I couldn't sleep"

Nancy let out a small grown "Tell me about it. I was up till two writing that stupid essay"

John Paul through her a small disapproving look as she hooked her arm through his. "Don't look at me like that John Paul, when we both know that you spent most of yesterday writing yours as well"

It was wrong that she knew him so well already. How exactly did she do that. She was looking up at him, waiting for him to respond "That's not the point though is it? At least I went to bed at a respectable hour"

"But didn't sleep apparently?" They were walking slowly along now. There was so many questions underlying in her last statement that all John Paul could do was look ahead. He could see Hannah and Sarah talking to one another. But no Craig. He was always there. Usually before those two. He was surprised not to see him there, but more than that. Disappointed.

"Where's Craig?" He was happy Nancy had asked. He had wanted to. He had wanted to yell it out to them since he first saw them, but that might have seemed a bit too much.

"His sick" Hannah voice sounded a little worried "He sounded really awful on the phone earlier"

The three girls starting talking about Craig. Adding poor Craig and planning to go and see him at some point, Sarah excitedly, and John Paul couldn't help but think stupidly, started talking about buying him a present. Then they were walking again. Hannah and Sarah ahead slightly. Nancy still holding onto John Paul's arm.

"John Paul... are you okay?" John Paul looked down at Nancy, she was looking ahead, but her voice sounded full of concern "I mean tell me to shut up and mind my own business, because I know what a nosey cow I can be, but I don't know, you seem... well you seem a bit sad recently. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but I just wanted you to know, that well I'm here" Nancy looked up and smiled widely at him "Okay. That's the end of my corny speech I promise"

John Paul let out a small laugh "Thanks Nancy. I'm okay, really. Just you know, family stuff I guess" John Paul racked his mind for something else to add, to try and avoid from spilling out everything that was going on to Nancy, it wasn't fair that she was so easy to talk to "And now I have to deal with the horrible fact that my parents want to throw me a birthday party"

"It's you're birthday? When?" Nancy's voice was excited, and that was exactly what John Paul had dreaded, but at least things had been moved away from the previous question.

"Saturday. They started planning it last night. They asked me of course, but it wasn't really so much of a question, more like six people demanding it, it's just easier to say yes than argue with that lot"

"But a party will be great. It is your birthday after all, and if someone is willing to throw you a party then why not?"

Nancy smiled again widely and began pulling John Paul along quickly so they could catch up with Hannah and Sarah, immediately telling them about the party. John Paul tried to be enthusiastic. But as the three of them started talking about what they were going to wear and shoes, he found himself wandering off into his own thoughts again.

He was worried about Craig. He couldn't help but think that he wasn't really sick, more that he was just avoiding see him. But Hannah had said he sounded awful. He was fighting the urge of running in the opposite direction and go and see him. By that time they had already reached the gates into College and the first bell had rung and he found himself almost running to get to his first class.

He wished he didn't have a half day today, he could have used the distraction of classes for a reason to stay out of the house. The morning classes passed fairly slowly, and he managed to avoid being asked any questions about the book they read the chapters from, as the teacher asked everyone else, answers pouring out of their mouths describing things perfectly, John Paul was lost, he may as well have read a different book because he had no idea what they were talking about.

It was nearing the end of the class and Nancy muttered to him about spending some study time, he didn't even need to think about it, he said he would too, clearly needing it and welcoming the excuse not to go home. When they reached the common room it was quiet, they were the only two other than a couple of other students. Nancy must have picked up on John Paul's confusion and she started to explain and talk him through things. Before he even realised it, he had lost the entire afternoon to studying, and he felt much calmer than he had all day. The few hours spent away from thinking about the events from the past couple of days had given him some clarity.

He wasn't even sure when he had decided it, but he seemed to find himself gravitating towards Craig's flat. As he said goodbye to Nancy, he carried on walking and ended up outside looking up at the window.

He had no idea where the courage had come from, he had spent most of the day convincing himself that doing exactly this was a bad idea, and now he found himself at Craig's door waiting for it to open. He knocked a couple of times, and there had been no response. He could hear someone moving around inside, so he carried on knocking, he felt strangely determined.

_Did I bother you again? Did I interrupt? I only know how to pretend with a small talk and such_

The door flew open and before John Paul could even register the look on Craig's face, his back was turned and he was walking away down the corridor. John Paul stepped through the door slowly and began to walk down the corridor following where Craig had. When he reached the end, it opened up into a large spacious room, half was the living the room, at the back it turned into the kitchen. There was a small dining table in the middle of it, and Craig was sat there staring into his cup. John Paul tried to work out the expression on Craig's face, but it seemed unreadable. He stepped closer. Looking around the room. There were pictures, lots of pictures. Many of Tom and various people he didn't know. And some of Tom and Craig. More than anything there were pictures of Tom and Craig, he couldn't help but be very aware of it.

He reached the edge of the table and looked down at Craig. Now he was closer he could finally take in his appearance. He was wearing the same jeans and white vest he had been wearing the last time he saw him, his hair was scruffy. But the one thing he noticed more than anything, the one thing that stood about above it all, were his eyes. They were red and puffy, almost glazed over.

"Hannah said you were sick" John Paul's voice was quiet. There didn't seem to be anyone else here.

"Nope"

Craig's voice sounded cold and broken, and John Paul felt shocked. He wasn't exactly sure what to be expecting when he came here, but it most certainly was _this. _ All he did know was that whatever was making Craig look and act like this was not the cause of something John Paul had done. He almost felt like he was intruding, the way you feel when you walk in on two people having an argument and all you want to do is get out.

_Could you taste my nervousness? Could you sense my fear?_

"Is Tom not here?"

Craig's head snapped up automatically at the sound of Tom's name. The pain in his eyes doubling as he did. Suddenly it became very clear to John Paul exactly what this was about.

"No Tom is _not _here"

Craig's eyes didn't turn away from John Paul's. He had half been expecting it. The anger in Craig's voice had suggested it. But they stayed locked. Still John Paul couldn't figure out what was more prominent as he looked at them, the anger or sadness, both of them screaming out to him. All of John Paul's plans of walking away, of not giving into Craig, of not allowing himself to be won over by the connection they shared seemed to fly out the window as Craig's gaze still held him completely captivated.

"Craig, what happened?"

"What do you think happened?" Craig broke the stare and stood up he picked up the empty cup and placed it next to the sink. He was facing away now, and all John Paul wanted to do was go over and take him in his arms. But Craig moved again, turning back round to face him, leaning against the counter.

"He left. It's over. Me and Tom"

_My mouth feels dry and I confess I don't think that I've been clea_r

"Oh. Why?" John Paul wasn't entirely sure why he said that. As soon as he had said it and saw th expression flash across Craig's face, he wished he could take it back. He felt like smacking himself round the face at his complete stupidity. Of course he knew _why_. He just hadn't expected it.

"Why?" There was so much anger from Craig in just that one small word, that it made John Paul step backwards slightly "Are you _serious _John Paul? Why do you _think _we broke up?"

The anger radiating from Craig seemed to spark something off in John Paul. Why was Craig throwing all this back to him? Putting all the blame on him. This was news to John Paul. "Don't be like that with me Craig. I never asked you to finish with Tom did I?"

"Then what is this? That night you said..."

"I think we established exactly what that night was the morning after Craig. It wasn't _real_"

Craig was leaning forward now. He had rested his arms against the table, gripping onto the wood "It wasn't real? It wasn't _REAL_. We must have had a different night to one another because that felt pretty real to me"

_Cause I'm looking for love and love I thought it was you_

"We locked ourselves away in my room. Only for the real world to come creeping back in, in the morning. If you were thinking it was any more that what it was then you were clearly fooling yourself"

"You said that was the best night of your life. Was that a lie too? Maybe you could make a list for me John Paul, of all the things you have said to me that actually are real, because I'm having a little trouble keeping up"

John Paul hadn't wanted it to be like this. He hadn't wanted to fight with Craig. He had wanted to settle things once and for all. He hadn't expected Craig to break up with Tom. John Paul opened his mouth to speak but Craig was there before him.

"What about everything you said? That if I couldn't see this through then I never should have started it, that I should never have given you that night if I was just going to take it away and go back to Tom? Why do you think I finished with Tom? I did _EXACTLY _what you wanted. I made it real. I've lost my best friend and I did it all for you because I believed you were worth it"

_I think I should apologize cause I have made a big mistak_e

And that was the problem. Craig was braver than John Paul was. Craig had the strength to see things through, even when he thought that he wouldn't be able to, he could. But John Paul, he was completely aware of how weak he was.

"I'm not though Craig. I'm _not _worth it. You shouldn't have finished Tom. Not for me"

"Don't you _dare. _Don't you do this again. All those things you said to me" Craig was moving around the table now, John Paul see him moving quickly getting closer to him, he wanted to move but he felt stuck to the spot, he only stumbled backwards slightly when Craig collided with him, gripping onto his jacket. "You said that... you _know _how I feel. How hard this is for me as well, you can't just walk away from this"

"I _never _asked you to do any of that for me. I told you that I might never be ready, that you and Tom made more sense. That that's exactly how it should be. And you do _this. _Craig I can't give you what you want"

"I want _you..." _Craig's voice trailed off and he leaned in closer to John Paul, their faces inches apart "You can't say you don't want me. _Please _I've lost Tom, he left and it's my fault and I might not be able to fix that. I might have lost that forever. I have to live with that. But I can't live with it if you walk away from me now. _Please _John Paul"

John Paul had to do this, he had to find some way to be strong and walk away. That was what he had promised himself he would do. Even now through all the pain he could still feel the connection between them pulling the two of them closer and closer, as it seemed to do every time. But he couldn't go back. He had to stick by what he said. He reached his hands up and covered them over Craig's, pulling the fingers away that clung to his jacket and pushing them away.

_I think I misunderstood and there's too much now at stak_e

John Paul shook his head and stepped backwards "I'm sorry Craig. I can't do _this_"

John Paul didn't wait for any kind of response from Craig. He was already turning away and out the door so quickly. He rushed to get to the cool air outside, letting it hit his face and he moved quickly, almost running, desperately trying to get as far away as possible, thinking that somehow the distance would make it easier. But it didn't, it just made it harder. He finally stopped. The cold making him shiver, he pulled his jacket around him, looking down at where the two hands had only moments ago held on so tightly, he touched lightly where the hands had been. He felt a sickness rising in his stomach. Had he actually just done that? Why had he done that? Craig was right, that was exactly what he had said he wanted wasn't it? He had wanted Craig then and he wanted him now, and yet he was still running.

He was always going to be afraid. He was always going to settle for what was safe. It came so naturally to him. Even now, faced with the option of running to Craig's and taking it all back, he knew the truth of it. That he never would. And the reality of it set in, he had just lost the only person in his life that made him feel alive, that made him feel anything.

_I'm looking for love and love I thought it was yo_u


	31. Both Forget

**Chapter 31**

Craig had so far ignored any phone calls he had got that week, he had managed to hide away when anyone came round to see him. The only time he had left the flat everyday was to visit his Mum. Even then the apprehension he felt almost making him stop, scared of going alone, scared of facing Jake if he happened to be there. Locking himself away had really become his only option. He hadn't hardly seen Jasmine or Michael either, not that he was surprised. They were Tom friends, they were hardly going to care how the person who broke his heart was feeling.

He looked down at his phone, looking through the text messages he had received today. One from Nancy, telling him again about the party for John Paul tonight. Then one from Hannah telling him that whether he liked it or not he was going to the party tonight, and she was coming to get him. He looked at the time, she would no doubt be here soon, knocking the door down. The only comfort he had was that Jasmine and Michael had already left so there was no one to open the door to her.

The truth was he wanted to see, even to talk to Hannah. So he had someone to talk to. She was the only one other than John Paul who knew that Tom had left. Obviously Hannah didn't know the full story, but in the one phone conversation Craig and Hannah had, all he wanted to do was tell her the truth, to have someone else to talk to, to be free of the burden of guilt he felt. But telling Hannah wouldn't suddenly make that feeling vanish. And opening the door to her tonight to go to the birthday party for John Paul was just as bad an idea.

His Mum questioned how he was every time he went to the hospital. Instinctively sensing that something was wrong no doubt. But he didn't want to make it about him, he could sense that part of her asking was out of a sense of obligation, the fact that for so long she had hardly shown any interest. But it really didn't matter now. He wanted her to get better first. And even if she knew, there really was nothing she could do. There was nothing anyone could do.

As if on cue he heard a quiet knock on the door. The lights were already turned down low in the lounge, apart from a lamp in the corner, filling the room with little light. Craig leaned back against the sofa and closed his eyes. Ignoring the sound as the banging grew louder, and the small voice that called his name turned into a yell. A chorus of "I know you are in there Craig" filling the flat.

Craig sighed heavily. Why was he locking everyone out? Why was he allowing John Paul to make him hide away from everyone? The fear of breaking down and telling Hannah everything was the one thing that kept him hiding away. So what if Hannah knew. Did John Paul really expect Craig just to hide everything away like he did? No doubt that's exactly what John Paul thought. But Craig missed his friend. And he knew he couldn't avoid it forever.

He lifted himself quickly off the sofa and raced to the door, he knew he had to open the door and let her in quickly or the bravery he felt would fade and he would never do it. He pulled the door open quickly to find Hannah with an angry look on her face, hand in the air ready to knock on the door again. She moved past him quickly moving down the hall and into the lounge yelling all the way.

"You know what Craig. It's a good job I know exactly what you are like, because anyone else would be offended by the constant ignoring of phone calls and not answering the door..."

Craig followed slowly behind, letting her rant. He deserved it. Probably deserved worse. It was stupid of him to think he could just hide away forever.

"Craig, what are you doing? Do you have any idea how worried I've been about you? You drop this bombshell on me about you and Tom and then hang up and never answer any of my calls. And not turning up to College? Do you have any idea how much trouble you are gonna be in when you go back? And you _are_ going back before you even try and argue against that. You can't have a repeat of last year, I won't let you"

Craig didn't have a clue what to say, he couldn't get his thoughts to shut up when he was sat here alone, but now the questions were being asked he couldn't think of anything to say. Hannah began to step forward.

"I can't imagine how hard this is for you, with Tom gone. But you can't lock yourself away from everyone Craig. You have to try and move on and well we're all there for you, me, Nancy and John Paul... even Sarah!" A small smile flit across Hannah's face and she finally stopped, standing directly in front of Craig.

"Come to the party tonight eh? I know everyone will love to see you there"

Not _everyone_ Craig thought to himself. But he looked down into Hannah's wide eyes, pleading with him to go with her to the party. And without even processing it he nodded his head slightly. Hannah's smile grew wider and she threw her arms around Craig, hugging tightly

"Everything's going to be okay Craig" Hannah pulled away quickly still smiling "Now go get ready"

Craig could only nod again as he moved away from Hannah. He turned back to look at her as he reached the doorway.

"Han..."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you" Hannah only smiled and gestured him to get ready. Once he reached his room. His mind went into over drive again, he knew it probably wasn't the best idea to turn up at John Paul's, not after their last conversation. But his friends were going to be there. _His_ friends. Why should be be hiding away, like he had done anything wrong. He quickly pulled out a shirt from his wardrobe, throwing it onto his bed. He didn't know if he should be doing this. It was John Paul's birthday after all, and no matter what else was going on, he didn't want to ruin the party for him. Craig slumped down his bed and let the confusion about what to do wash over him.

He had never wanted Tom there with him more. Tom his friend would have known exactly what to do and say. Would have talked it all through with him and someone how made him feel better about the crappy situation he found himself in. But he didn't have that any more, and he had no one but himself to blame. He heard Hannah's voice calling from the lounge. He slowly stood up and lifted the vest top he was wearing over his head, only to replace it with the shirt he had just thrown on the bed.

He didn't have any choice. If he went out there not going, Hannah would want an explanation. And right now that was clearly something he didn't have. He would just have to go, act normal and try and avoid John Paul. He knew it was unlikely. But at that moment it was all he had.

* * *

John Paul could hear the music from downstairs filling his room. All week long he had a sinking feeling that this party would be a bad idea. The only thing that calmed that feeling had been yesterday when Hannah, Nancy and Sarah had all promised to be there. It provided him with a comfort, knowing there would be at least 3 people he could escape with if things got that bad.

But they weren't here yet. And as he had opened the door expecting the 3 of them to walk through 10 minutes earlier, he had been greeted with 3 very different faces. They were familiar, but at the same time the last thing he was expecting. Chloe was standing in front of him. Her eyes cautious, a small smile on her lips. The other two people rushing towards him, hugging him. Hus Mum told him he she had a surprise. But this was just so much more than that. This was the last thing he wanted.

Why would Chloe come here? And why would she bring Mark and Crystal? It wasn't like he had never expected to hear from any of them again. But he hadn't even thought of the possibility of them being here. And now as he looked back over the week, the small smiles across his Mum and sisters faces as they talked about the party. He should have known. What made it even worse, was that as far as his family were concerned he and Chloe were together. So clearly when he had said she was busy and couldn't make it for his birthday, none of them had accepted that and gone out of their way to make sure she was here. He knew that it was a nice gesture on their part. But god he hated them right now.

He unbuttoned his shirt slightly, the heat in his room suddenly feeling like it was closing in. The noise of people talking and laughing downstairs mixed in with the music and John Paul wondered if he could get away with hiding up here all night. He sighed and leaned his head against his door. He really hoped that by now at least Nancy was here. She would provide a sense of relief. He couldn't help but feel relief at it not being likely that Craig would be here tonight. He could just imagine how Mark and Crystal would react to him, their narrow minded views becoming very clear. Especially Mark. Why would Chloe bring the two of them? Fair enough if she wanted to be here, but why him?

He heard a knock on his door. He had expected it. The only thing that would be a surprise was whose face would be behind the door when he opened it. He moved away and opened the door slowly. Mercedes had one hand on her hip the other leant against the door frame. Her face read like a book, questioning exactly what he was doing hiding away. Her face changed quickly as she registered John Paul's expression which must have been one of complete horror.

He walked away from the doorway and sat down on his bed, running his fingers through his hair. The door shut again and he felt Mercedes sit down at his side.

"Sorry about the party. I know you hate them"

John Paul shrugged "It wouldn't have made any difference if I had said I didn't want it"

"True"

John Paul sighed again. The one thing he loved about Mercedes was her brutal honesty. It was one of her not many redeeming qualities. It was her own unique way of somehow showing she cared. Not matter how wrong it might be.

"You can tell me to mind my own business if you want... but are you alright? I mean I thought you'd like having your mates here"

"Yeah, but they aren't my mates are they? I haven't spoken to any of them in months Merci"

"Mum thought it'd be a nice idea. Especially to get Chloe here, even after you said she couldn't make it Mum was having none of it"

John Paul sighed again "Mercedes. Me and Chloe aren't together anymore. We broke up"

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"You know what Mum's like. And I just... don't tell anyone else yet alright? I will tell them. I can't have this keep on happening can I?"

"But... I mean you and her.. you must still be mates for her to come here... she never once said anything on the phone about the two of you not being together..."

"I dunno maybe she thought you all already knew"

Mercedes moved off the bed and back to the door. "Just come back downstairs eh? You're other friends just arrived anyways. Maybe they can put a smile on your face"

And with that she was gone. And the door was shut again. It was dark in the room apart from the light from outside streaming into the room. He knew Mark would have loads of questions, that Nancy and everyone would have questions about his old friends. He really didn't have that many options, aside from jumping out the window and making a run for it, but even then he didn't doubt his family running after him down the road and dragging him back to the party.

He stood up slowly and began to make his way back downstairs. He stopped at the top of them, looking down, the voices now louder. He could hear Nancy laughing. And he felt a little calmer. He stepped down them slowly, looking down to see who was there. He could see Mark and Crystal in conversation with Nancy and Sarah, all of them laughing every now and then. Carmel and a tall dark haired man he didn't recognise were talking in the corner. Jacqui and her new boyfriend Tony were sat together in one chair, cosied up in the corner. Other people grouped together, some he recognised from the village. He could hear his Mum talking from in the kitchen, something about a cake, the idea of running back up the stairs getting more and more tempting. As he reached the bottom, someone stepped out in front of him.

She looked different from the last time he had seen her. He long brown hair tied back, strands of her hair falling softly over her face. He dare say that she looked happy. Something he hadn't seen in Chloe for a very long time.

"Sorry about this. You're Mum called, I was surprised really. But then it didn't take me too long to figure out you hadn't told them the truth yet. I shouldn't have been surprised I guess. It's okay before you say anything Mark and Crystal know to play along..."

John Paul shook his head "You don't have to be sorry. This is my fault. I should have told them straight away. But I... I didn't want to upset them, you know what they think of you"

She smiled softly again "Really it's okay. Besides it's nice to see you. And well, we used to be friends. Really good friends. And well it is your birthday, so its nice to be here"

He had forgot just how amazing Chloe could be. And how much he missed her not being around "Thanks Clo"

He heard his voice being called loudly across the room. He looked to the direction it came from, and he saw Mark walking towards him at a fast speed, followed by Crystal. The two of them hadn't changed a bit, Crystals large red hair immediately noticeable, the only unique thing about her. Mark's short black hair and lanky frame, suddenly his past was standing right in front of him and he had never felt more happy that he had got away from them. As they began talking John Paul found himself answering any question almost on auto pilot, he found himself reverting back to the character he played before he moved to Hollyoaks. He had the role perfected. And just seeing them seemed to bring it out of him again. He laughed in all the right places, at jokes that weren't even funny, said things he didn't even agree with, that he didn't even think, but still the words fell out of his mouth.

Nancy and Sarah had joined them soon after, and he found that he was easily lost amongst them all, he spoke when he was spoken to, made the correct comments at the exact time. But other than that he was somewhere else entirely. Not paying any attention to anything that was being said. He only found himself paying a slight amount of attention when Hannah joined them and introductions had to be made, again all eyes on John Paul to do the honours. And then soon after they were gone again, all of them lost in conversation. None of it holding any interest to John Paul.

He could swear he felt someone staring at him. Like someone was glaring at him from a distance. He looked behind him. Jacqui and Tony still sat curled up together, and her noticing him looking gave a small wave before turning her attention back to Tony. His Mum had joined Carmel and the mystery man, and Tina and Michaela were both sat staring off into space miserably in the corner. He looked over the crowd. Everyone in the living room was in there own little world.

But his eyes stopped as they reached the almost empty kitchen. Only one person was in there. Drink in hand leaning calmly against the counter looking directly at him. Watching him. So closely. The one person John Paul hadn't expected to be here, was standing looking at him. And the look on his face said it all.

He could see through everything that John Paul was doing. All the fake smiles and pretend laughing. He knew Craig could see it all for exactly what it was. A show. One that John Paul put on to please everyone else. When in reality he was anything but happy. John Paul wanted to look away from Craig. He wanted to turn his attention back to the conversation somehow, but he couldn't do it.

The gaze that held their eyes only grew more intense and it never seemed to want to break. Even as Craig lifted his drink to his lips and took a small sip, their eyes remained locked.

John Paul could hear his name being called. It felt like it was being called from far away as he tried to push the noise out and focus on the two eyes staring back into his own, but Craig looked away first, slightly to his left, a small smile across his face. And then he was gone. And in front of John Paul stood his Mum smiling widely holding a cake up to his face. It was just then he realised that the entire room had been singing happy birthday and he hadn't even noticed.

He tried to keep focus as people came up to him to talk to him, his sisters hugged him one by one, apart from Mercedes who raised her drink from across the room. He looked back into the kitchen, trying to see if Craig was still there, but all he could see now was a mass of people collecting plates of food.. He hadn't even realised that Mark, Crystal and Chloe were among those people, that they had even left the conversation. He could hear Hannah talking quietly, muttering Craig's name. She was telling Nancy how he was doing. _Not so good_. He heard that a few times. But at least it confirmed that he was here, and that he wasn't going crazy and just imagining Craig.

He left the three of them talking and moved slowly into the kitchen, hoping that he was still in there, somewhere out of sight maybe. The only thing that greeted him when he got there were his 3 old friends and his Mum. He could hear her talking loudly to Chloe, telling her how much John Paul missed her, how she needed to come and see him more often. All John Paul could do was look away as she continued her long speech about how long the two of them had been together. Mark and Crystal seemed highly amused. Chloe looked just as uncomfortable as John Paul felt. He looked away again, wishing he had stayed with Nancy and the others. John Paul felt his arm being tapped by his Mum, he turned to face her, she had clearly just asked a question.

"Well come on John Paul, you and Chloe need to plan the next visit. Honestly love, you'll never make it work if you don't see one another"

John Paul looked towards Chloe. She looked different now. Angry. Like even though she had wanted to be here. She hadn't signed up for this. Her face remained unmoving, and it was clear to John Paul that she wasn't going to answer this one for him, she wasn't going to give him a way out.

"We'll talk about it later yeah?"

Chloe shook her head slightly, but it went unnoticed to Myra who flew into the living room, laughing loudly. He couldn't look at Chloe again. He could see the disappointment in her face from before still in his mind. He didn't need to look now just to see the same expression.

He could feel a gaze on him again. He knew it wasn't Chloe. He looked up quickly to find himself alone in the kitchen. All but one. He turned quickly to his left. Craig sat in the corner. His expression was different now. He looked disappointed as well. As soon as he was there he was gone again, across the living room, he quickly said something to Hannah, before moving quickly up the stairs.

There was a voice in his head shouting at him not to follow. To just leave things how they were. Following could only mess up even more what was an awful night. But his feet had betrayed him and he was half way up the stairs before he could even process it. He reached his bedroom door. He opened it apprehensively, he looked inside at the darkness, all but the same beam of light from the street lamp outside, it lit across the bed casting a small amount of light into the room. He stepped inside, looking around he saw no one. He shook his head. Why would Craig come in here anyway? Why would Craig even want to talk to him? Why when he was trying to not be around Craig did he always end up hoping for the exact opposite. He stepped into the room further, leaving the door open, allowing the light from the hall to illuminate the room more.

Why could he never allow himself to even enjoy his own birthday party. He hadn't always been this way. He remembered a time when birthdays were something to get excited about, not to dread. Now the only thing he seemed to have was a fear of something going wrong, the truth being revealed. Always afraid of something.

The light behind him faded, and cast a shadow across the doorway. The light faded slightly as the door was pulled too. The music from downstairs was quieter now, softer. No loud beats, just a slow melody ringing through his ears. He could hear Craig moving around his room. He was near the desk now, looking at photographs, picking them up one by one, then replacing them back on the desk.

"Why did you come tonight?" John Paul's voice came out as a whisper.

"Honestly? I have no idea"

John Paul sighed and placed his hands in his pockets. He couldn't bring himself to turn round and look at Craig. He wanted to. He could hear him moving around the room, touching things in the room as he walked through. But he wouldn't let himself be completely defeated. The heat from the hot night outside finding its way into his room didn't help. The sound of Craig breathing as he moved around making it harder for him to win the fight.

"Happy Birthday by the way"

Craig's voice sounded cold and bitter, like he hadn't meant it at all. Out the corner of his eye John Paul saw Craig sit down on his bed. Resting his head in his hands, running them through his hair. He moved forward quickly, moving closer to the window. What he should have done was leave, being alone in his room with Craig like this was never something that John Paul seemed to be able to cope with. He always found himself thinking everything that he had tried so hard to push away for so long.

"Why are you _here_?"

"We're friends aren't we?" Craig's voice was softer now. John Paul knew what he was doing. What Craig was trying to achieve. He wanted some kind of answer to prove the statement otherwise. To show that they were more than that.

"I'd like it if we could be"

"Really?" Craig's voice seemed genuinely intrigued by John Paul's response, it gave John Paul a small amount of confidence in himself to be able to turn and look at Craig. But Craig must have almost seen this coming, and by the time John Paul found himself facing the bed, Craig was directly in front of him. The heat radiated off his body onto John Paul's.

John Paul felt any coherent response he may have been able to give to that question disappear as Craig stepped closer to him. His eyes were different now. They weren't the same as the ones from downstairs, they were the ones he recognised the most in Craig. They were eyes full of want. A connection binding the two of them together, undeniable. He tried to stay focused on those eyes, but as he felt Craig's warm breathe against his own lips he couldn't help but look down, Craig's tongue skimming lightly across his own mouth, his teeth biting down on his lower lip, waiting in anticipation of what John Paul was going to do next.

It was _too_ hot to think. There was nothing in this room that was going to break this connection now. Why had John Paul been fighting against this so badly? He knew there were reasons, ones that were justifiable to him, but he couldn't process any of them, not with Craig in such close proximity.

The thud from downstairs broke the connection. John Paul stepped backwards, and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked around the room, anywhere but looking back at Craig who was now stepping closer to him again, John Paul moved away quickly, but he felt his wrist being grabbed hold of, he struggled to fight it free, moving towards the door, before he could even reach it, he felt his shoulders grabbed from behind and his body turned and he was practically thrown against the wall.

He didn't even have time to register the lips against his. The fingers that dug into his shoulders, the body pressed up against his. He opened his eyes slightly in shock and he felt Craig pull back slightly, his breathing was heavy, the heat in the room creating a sheen across Craig's skin. He pulled his body closer to his again, and knotted his fingers into Craig's hair. Desperately pulling their bodies closer and closer. He felt as though he was sinking back into the wall, and that Craig was merging into him. Craig's hands moved down John Paul's shoulders, resting on his chest pulling at the shirt, moving his hands under the material desperate to feel the skin beneath it.

John Paul broke away from the kiss, he felt Craig lips attacking his jaw line moving quickly across his neck. He stopped at his ear and John Paul felt the warmth of his breathe linger there.

"Tell me you don't want this" John Paul felt Craig's hand move out from under his shirt and slowly down over his stomach, and then round to his back, the fingers gripping on tightly pressing their bodies closer together again.

"Tell me you don't think about this all the time" John Paul moved his head slightly, he wanted to look at Craig. He wanted to look into his eyes. Craig moved his head back and the two of them locked eyes again. John Paul watched as Craig licked his lips again, both their breaths were heavy now, John Paul still couldn't find any words, they were there, everything he wanted to say was right there, but nothing would come out.

"Just tell me what you want John Paul" Craig's voice was soft and his faced edged closer, brushing his lips against John Paul's. John Paul closed his eyes and pulled Craig into his arms. Resting his own head against Craig's shoulder. He kissed up Craig's neck desperately trying to find the strength to tell Craig what he wanted to hear, desperate to say what it was he really wanted.

"I want _you_"


	32. Falling

**Chapter 32**

Craig wasn't entirely sure how much time had passed him by. He could feel himself being pulled out of sleep. He could feel the warmth of the covers still wrapped around him and he rolled onto his back, he kept his eyes closed. He was afraid to open them and be faced with daylight. He was still hoping for the darkness. He breathed in slowly, reaching his hand out slightly to his left. Whatever time of day it was he was most defienetly alone in the far too small bed.

Consciousness seemed to creep over him now. He could her a low sound of music thumping through the floor below, almost happy about that he opened his eyes quickly. The only light filling the room was that the came in through the window. He couldn't begin to work out how much time must have passed. It felt like hours, a whole night, maybe even a day. But the reality was soon hitting him harder than anything.

He turned his head to the right slowly. 1am. What time did they leave everyone downstairs? Would John Paul really leave him here like this? Did any of that really happen or was he some how still asleep in some kind of strange dream. He resolved himself to the fact that the latter must have been the truth. He had to be dreaming. There was no other explanation. He rolled over onto his side and held the pillow close to his face. He breathed in deeply. If this was a dream he was going to get everything out of it that he could. Remember every single thing.

He heard a loud thud from downstairs and he sat up quickly. _He wasn't dreaming_. He looked around the room quickly. It was too dark to really be able to see anything. But the one thing he had been looking for he found. He quickly caught John Paul's thoughtful eyes. He had clearly been watching Craig as he slept and went through the process of deciding exactly what this was. Craig leaned forward a little more, letting his eyes adjust to the light in the room. He watched John Paul carefully. He was leaning towards Craig, his hands pressed together resting on his chin covering his mouth. He looked completely calm. Content even. And still watching Craig.

He almost felt like he should turn around to see what was so interesting behind him, because Craig couldn't figure out what was so interesting about him to make John Paul look that way. He knew he probably should have said something. Perhaps even turned away. Craig heard another noise from downstairs and he immediately glanced towards the door. Suddenly worried for John Paul. But as he turned back to face him, there was no concern or worry across his face. The same look as before, almost like he was taking everything about Craig in.

"I locked the door. House full of women you learn that quickly"

John Paul never moved. His eyes still locked on Craig. They were different now though. Almost like they were questioning him. Waiting for him to say something.

"How long have I been asleep?" Craig hadn't intended his voice to come out so shaken and quiet, but the intensity of John Paul's stare seemed to be making him feel uneasy.

"Not very long. About half hour... You looked really... peaceful"

"I've not been sleeping that well"

John Paul just nodded. Craig wondered if anything would break him out of his daze. He imagined run over to John Paul and dragging him back to bed, but there seemed to something John Paul needed to say, or something he wanted Craig to say. Maybe John Paul was planning the way he was going to tell Craig that it had been a mistake. Perhaps John Paul was working out some kind of way that he could put what had just happened down to a momentary lapse.

"You aren't going to run off again are you? Like... well every other time before" Craig didn't realise how desperate his voice sounded until the last few words had left his mouth. He watched John Paul's hands fall down into his lap, and a small smile grew across his face.

"No leaving. Promise"

The sincerity in John Paul's voice made Craig smile back. There was something different about John Paul. Since the first moment he had met him, he had always seemed so on edge, like he was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. But now he looked so calm and at ease. Happy maybe.

"Is everything okay John Paul?" The concern in Craig's voice was apparent. It couldn't have gone unnoticed.

"Yeah. Everything is okay"

Craig looked down at the bed he lay in and then back at John Paul. He smiled slightly "Is there any reason why you are over there then? And not here with me?"

"I just wanted to watch you sleep for a little bit"

"You didn't freak out then?"

John Paul smiled again "Okay. So I wanted to freak out, and then watch you sleep for a little bit"

Craig smiled, but it soon faded when he heard the seriousness behind what John Paul had said.

"So you are? Freaked out?"

"I was. For about 10 seconds. And then I turned there and looked at you and for the first time that I can ever remember I didn't feel freaked out at all. I didn't feel scared or worried. Or angry. I felt _happy_"

Craig watched as a huge smile beamed from John Paul's face. He wanted to move closer. To make sure he wasn't imagining the whole thing. Half of him still afraid that this really was a dream.

"Well if sleeping with me makes you this happy, you really should get out more"

John Paul laughed this time. The smile growing even wider. And Craig tried to remember the last time he had ever heard John Paul laugh like that. If he had _ever_ heard him laugh like that.

"I guess I should keep my options open"

Their laughter filled the room for a few moments, then the room was quiet again. Craig looked away towards the door. He knew the reality. The one that John Paul had been so quick to remind him of only a few days ago. How could it be so easy for him now? Was it really? He wanted to believe John Paul. He wanted to have faith that what he had just said, and that what had just happened between them really meant something. But a small voice in his seemed to be asking the same question over and over again.

"Maybe we should get back to the party"

"Mostly everyone has left. I heard my Mum singing along to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and well when that happens it pretty much clears a room"

"What about Chloe and you're friends? Where are they?"

John Paul shook his head "I don't know. I don't care"

"You seem different" The words fell thoughtlessly out of Craig's mouth.

"I feel different"

Craig couldn't help but let out a small laugh and he shook his head. "Getting older does that I guess"

"I don't think that's the reason Craig. But I'll humour you if you like. Another year older. Still none the wiser"

Craig liked the way John Paul said his name, the comfort he felt with just that one word was indescribable. He looked away from the eyes that were watching him closely again. He looked at the corner of the room near John Paul's desk. A stack of presents in the corner. Some unopened.

"You haven't opened all your presents"

Craig glanced quickly in John Paul's direction, whose eyes unwillingly followed his to the presents. He sighed and turned his attention back to Craig.

"Craig. What happened... I mean... " Craig couldn't help but look back at John Paul now. He could hear the struggle in his voice, and watched as John Paul stood quickly from the chair, turning his back to Craig, running his fingers through his hair. Craig could do anything as he watched John Paul's shoulders rise and fall as he breathed in and out deeply. He wanted to move towards him and reach out and hold him. But he wasn't sure how welcome he would be.

"That did mean something to you didn't it?"

"Well seeing as I didn't bring you a present I had to give you something"

John Paul spun round quickly. His face full of pain and angst. It slowly faded as Craig smiled and stood up off the bed. He could hear John Paul laughing slightly again. It comforted him just as much as it had before, and Craig used it as a chance to move closer to him.

"John Paul... do you really need to ask me that? You already know what you mean to me. If anything shouldn't I be asking you?"

"You make a good point"

"I like to think I have my moments"

The smile on John Paul's face soon faded again. Craig wanted to close the distance that was between them, but he could tell from just looking at John Paul that he was still trying to figure out what to say.

"I seem to struggle with coherency whenever you're around do you know that?"

Craig smirked "I'm fairly aware of that"

"I just have all these things that I _want_ to say. That I know I should say, and then you're here and they all seem to disappear. It's not exactly fair you know?"

Craig seemed to feel braver with every word John Paul spoke, he was shamelessly taken advantage of what power he knew he had over John Paul. That he knew the closer he was the more effect he could have.

"You don't think you have the same effect on me?" John Paul leaned back on his desk and sighed heavily. Craig could see that he didn't believe a word he was saying, he felt like laughing at how ridiculous the conversation had become.

"You don't believe me?"

John Paul only shrugged his shoulders and turned away. And Craig couldn't stand the distance between them anymore, he couldn't bare to see the change from carefree happy John Paul to the one that was in front of him now.

He moved closer to him, pressing his body up against John Paul's. Gently placing his hands on top of the ones that steadied John Paul on the desk. He looked down at their hands as they entwined.

"John Paul what's going on? A minute ago I dare say you were happy? And not this? This weird doubt? After everything it should be blatantly obvious to you how I feel. It would seem by now I have no control over that, even after everything I still feel exactly the same way.. I guess you can't make those feelings go away. All week I felt mad at you. Even tonight I was ready to act like I was. But then I saw you..."

John Paul turned his face to look at Craig now. Craig could see the blue eyes soften, almost taking his breathe away. He leaned in closely and pressed his lips against John Paul's very softly. He leaned back and looked carefully at John Paul.

"So now you.. talk to me..."

John Paul seemed slightly taken aback, but Craig held him closer "What do you mean?"

"I mean you just wanted to know what this meant and I thought you knew what it meant for me and I thought it meant the same for you... but now you're questioning it and I guess I'm fully prepared for running and freaking out John Paul, but I wasn't exactly prepared for you being so calm..."

"And breathe..." John Paul's face lit up with a small smile and Craig couldn't help but smile back, he leaned his forehead against John Paul's.

"Craig, I wish I could explain to you how I feel right now, but no doubt it would all come out in some kind of weird bizarre ramble, much like it is already. The reason I feel so calm is because I really _feel_ it. I wish I could give you a better explanation than that, but it really is all I have. I wish I could promise you more, that this is the start of something... I mean it _is_ for me. But I just don't know..."

"It did turn into a bit of a weird bizarre ramble" John Paul was smiling again and Craig was sure he could live with looking at John Paul's face smiling like that forever. He leaned in closer and pressed his lips against John Paul's again. This time John Paul reciprocated more, leaning his body against Craig's, moving his arms to rest on Craig's waist.

The sound of a large chorus of "I Will Survive" being sung from below them pulled them apart quickly. And Craig leaned his head against John Paul's shoulder, feeling the echo of laughter running through his body.

"Eurgh. My family" John Paul was shaking his head now but still laughing.

"You know you wouldn't change them for anything. They're amazing"

John Paul nodded "I am pretty lucky I guess. I suppose I just still feel... lost in them"

"I don't think it's _them_ making you feel that way. It's okay to be who you are and feel happy with it. I've never seen you like this before"

"I don't think I've ever felt like this before" He was laughing again, a sound that Craig stored in his memory. Craig kissed John Paul softly on the cheek, and then moved away from him slightly. Looking at him cautiously.

"Should I go?"

"I guess so" John Paul's face looked sad as he said the words, almost disappointed in himself that he had to say it "Not that I want you too. But I am pretty sure my family will be up here and banging on that door right after they have finished their encore downstairs. So I guess it depends if you want to stick around for a night of McQueen karaoke or you'd rather go home and have a normal night"

Craig smiled and walked slowly back into John Paul's arms "I never liked being normal to be honest"

Craig kissed John Paul quickly and then moved back towards the bed. He threw John Paul's jeans at him from across the room, followed by his shirt, before pulling his own clothes on. When the two of them reached the door. Craig sighed heavily and looked at John Paul, quickly re-adjusting his collar for him.

Craig smiled slightly as a memory John Paul had shared with him passed through his mind "So does this karaoke involve you dressing up as a Spice Girl again?" Craig felt John Paul hit his arm lightly as the laughter grew louder.

"I don't know what you're laughing about. If they don't let me get away with not joining in, you think they'll let you?"

John Paul kissed him quickly and smiled before unlocking the door before opening and stepping out into the hall. Craig followed him smiling with each step. He didn't know why but he still felt a fear as if this was somehow all a dream, that he was allowing himself to get carried away, that he would only wake up disappointed and alone. As he reached downstairs he was faced with the McQueen women just finishing their song, only to have them start another one soon after. He kept a close eye on John Paul who had sat himself down next to who he assumed was Tina. The quiet one, as John Paul had described her.

Craig quickly sat down next to Hannah, who was clearly well on her way to being drunk and what looked like five minutes away from joining the rest of the girls who were now singing at the top of their lungs.

"Are you drunk Hannah Ashworth?"

Hannah turned her head quickly to face Craig "Me? Never" She threw her hand to her mouth to fake a shocked look and then she nudged into Craig slightly.

"Where did you and John Paul disappear to? You were gone ages..."

Craig shrugged. He had always been a crap liar. Especially to Hannah. She seemed to have some kind of sensor to it. "He just wanted to get away from the party for a bit. We just played some computer games"

Hannah giggled slightly as she watched the girls continue to sing. And then turned back to Craig a disbelieving look on her face "Really?" She smiled at him closely but she was soon gone as Nancy had grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her into the group of crazy women.

Craig continued to stare at the place where she had sat. She was just pissed. She wasn't that intuitive. Was she? He turned to look at her dancing and singing, she was completely caught up now, oblivious to anything else.

He could feel someone's stare on him, and he quickly looked in John Paul's direction. He had a small smile across his face. Trying very hard not to be too obvious with how much he was looking, he casted looks back at his family every now and then. Craig wanted to be reckless and just stare at John Paul, but Hannah's comment had left him slightly rattled. He continued looking back to her every now and then. Trying not to linger on John Paul's face too much. But every now and then, he would meet his eyes, the same beautiful blue eyes that had looked at him so closely just moments ago, and he couldn't help but look. But to be completely transfixed by them. And John Paul accused Craig of altering his coherency every time he was around? But what about what John Paul did to him, was he really that oblivious to the effect he had over him? He wasn't sure how long he had been looking now, so he snapped his head away quickly to look at Hannah once more. He was met with two questioning eyes. Hannah had stopped dancing and had her head titled. Looking back to John Paul, and then at Craig. Her eyes said it all.

She really _was_ that intuitive.


	33. Used To

**Hi everyone. Sorry for the delay on updates. I recently moved so its all been a tad hectic. This story is actually all written so I just have to get it all posted. Hope you enjoy this and I hope I'll be able to get the chapters up pretty quick.**

**Claire xx**

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**Chapter 33**

Hannah had slammed her books down on the desk and sat down letting out a small sound annoyance. It wasn't lost on Craig as to why she was so annoyed, the look that she threw her way before burying her head in her book was not subtle. Well for him at least. Everyone else just assumed that Hannah was in one of her moods and the best thing to do was leave her be.

The fact was Hannah was a very hard person to avoid, and yet Craig had somehow managed it all week. He had so far ignored the phone calls and text messages, and seemed to have found ways to never be alone with Hannah so she could ask him all the questions that she was clearly eager to ask.

Craig had hoped that he imagined the whole thing the night of the party, and that Hannah was just as oblivious as everyone else. But the look she gave him the Monday morning back at College made it perfectly clear that she knew what was going on. Craig sighed heavily as Hannah huffed as she continued to look down at her book angrily.

He felt a nudge on his arm and turned to see two concerned eyes staring at him. John Paul mouthed asking him if he was okay. For a moment Craig completely forgot his train of thought as he stared back at John Paul. It really wasn't fair that someone could have that much of an effect on him. He heard another disapproving grunt from Hannah's direction and it seemed to bring him back to reality a bit. He nodded and smiled slightly, which in return caused a smile from John Paul, and Craig was pretty must lost again.

He phased out as he heard Sarah start talking, he turned away from John Paul, trying not to stare at him, every now and then he would turn back to look at him, especially when he heard him speaking back to Sarah, and when he laughed. He loved that laugh. Craig couldn't help but noticed that John Paul seemed different. He can't have gone unnoticed to anyone else, certainly not to Hannah.

He turned away from the table and glanced out the window. It was too nice a day to be stuck inside in this damn classroom. He tapped his pen on the desk and looked down at the text book in front of him, he knew he should have been reading and taking it in, but nothing was. He gave up and shut the book and placed it under the sketch book. He opened it quickly to the last page he had been sketching on. In the corner of the page there are two small stick men and Tom's name signed underneath. He laughed to himself slightly at the memory. Craig had tried to get Tom to sit still so he could draw him, and in return Tom had said he would draw the two of them. Some of his best work he had called it.

He had hardly allowed himself to think about Tom. He had put all his effort into ignoring Hannah, going to see his Mum and then trying to spend time with John Paul, the latter being the hardest thing to do. Usually he did well, but every now and then something would happen and he would remember all over again. Mostly he would remember the last time he saw Tom's face, the pain that had filled his eyes before he turned and walked out. And he thought about how much he missed him. He could see it in Jasmine's eyes every time he looked at her, the same pain he felt. More than that he saw a blame, one that she put in Craig for Tom not being there and yet Craig still was. He had thought about asking his Mum if he could come back home, but when he got to the hospital it never seemed like the right thing. She was still getting better, maybe when she was finally at home.

There had been little progress with Jake too. It was clear that his Mum had spoken to Jake about Craig visiting, but even when they passed in the corridor as Craig would arrive and Jake would leave, he never once acknowledged him. He just walked straight passed as if he wasn't even there. In some ways that was easier, the attacking and constant yelling was beginning to become too much. He still hoped that all Jake needed was some time, it wasn't likely, but hope in that department was really all he had left.

He turned the page to see the sketch he had of Tom staring back at him, he turned the sketch book over quickly and leaned forward onto his hand. Was he ever going to get over this? He felt a stabbing pain in his chest every time he thought about Tom. He could never just accept that Tom didn't want them to be friends anymore. How could he after everything they had been through? Was it so easy to just walk away? Craig had completely messed things up. And he had no idea how to fix any of it, how to make things right for Tom or even if he could. Was that the only option to walk away from Tom and not have him in his life? It seemed like the only option, and it appeared to be what Tom wanted, so what choice did he have? He had treated Tom horribly, would he really go against him now and not give him the one thing he said he needed.

He looked back towards Hannah, her face still livid and she was angrily writing now. He could still hear Sarah, Nancy and John Paul deep in conversation. He kicked Hannah lightly under the table. She carried on writing, not even flinching. He sighed and kicked her lightly again. Nothing. He picked his pencil up and threw it at her, landing on her book. She picked it up and threw it back at him, hitting him in the face.

She looked up and glared at him before facing down to her book again, he could see a small smile on her face as she tried not to laugh at the one hitting him in the face. Craig kicked her under the table again and as she looked up he smiled slightly. He mouthed that he was sorry. He really had no idea why he was dreading talking to Hannah about this so much. It's not like she would judge him, and just ignoring her clearly wasn't working out to well.

The bell finally rang to end the lesson, and everyone practically jumped out their seats, John Paul threw Craig a small smile before being dragged out the room by Sarah, Nancy following close behind. Craig remained seated and watched as Hannah picked her things from the desk. She stood up and looked back at Craig. The classroom was practically empty now. Hannah sighed and sat down again.

"Isn't this the part where you make an excuse and run out the room?"

Craig smiled "Thought I'd be different today"

Hannah smiled back and looked down at the books she held in her hands before placing them on the desk. "How long has it been going on Craig?"

"Pretty much since the first moment I laid eyes on him"

There was a long silence, Craig watched Hannah as she seemed to go through some things in her mind. Clearly trying to figure out why she hadn't picked up on it sooner.

"Do you remember the day we all met him?" Hannah looked up, interrupted by her thoughts and nodded. "I was talking about a guy that I had met that weekend. It was John Paul"

"Oh..." Hannah's eyes grew slightly wider as the realisation sunk in further. Craig had remembered his words to her that day. "Undeniable connection" Maybe she was remembering them herself. Her face changed then to confusion.

"I don't understand" She shook her head, clearly not being able to process it all "I mean. John Paul had a _girlfriend_, and then you started going out with Tom. I mean you love Tom. But all this time, what you wanted John Paul too? And how did this even happen?"

Craig sighed, there really was no short cut version of this story. It really was all or nothing and Hannah seemed to want to know every detail. "Hannah I don't really know what to say. From the moment I met John Paul I have felt nothing but confused. I could tell that there was something there, but there were all these things, just moments when sometimes it seemed like he felt the same and then some when he would push me away. And it's been like that for months Hannah. I've liked him since the first moment I saw him. I knew it. There was always something stopping him, mostly his fear"

"He broke up with Chloe for you?"

Craig shook his head "I don't know, I mean I guess..."

"But you were with Tom then. If you liked John Paul that much, why would you be with Tom?"

"I love Tom. And I... there's no way I can tell you this without sounding like a complete arse. The night he told me how he felt about was the same night as his party for the charity. Me and John Paul had another "collision" that night, I was pretty much facing the fact that it didn't matter how much I liked John Paul, he wasn't ready to admit truly how he felt about me, and actually that he might never be able to. I was worried about Tom, he had been weird all night and when I got back to the flat to talk to him, he was there and he told me how he felt about me. I wasn't expecting it. I literally had no idea. The only time I had ever thought about Tom like that was when I first met him and after a while that faded away. But he was standing there in front of me Han, looking at me wanting me to want him back. And I did. I love him for everything he has done for me, I wouldn't be here without him, I know that much. I thought it would be enough, that amount of love I had for him, I thought I could do it, be with him and that the feelings I had for John Paul would just fade away. But I underestimated those feelings, and I think I underestimated John Paul's feelings"

Craig watched as the confusion seemed to fade from Hannah's face, it turned into one of understanding. He had expected her to be angry at him. For hiding all of this away. "You remember what I said to you about John Paul that day? Undeniable connection. Well it is Hannah. And it pretty much terrifies me. I've been fighting against it, trying to not want him, to be with Tom, but I couldn't do it. I'm not proud of myself and how I've hurt Tom. I have to live with that and I may have lost him forever because of this. I may have lost him for someone who for all I know may never be able to be honest with himself. But I have to try, I have to believe that John Paul can be that person. I love him"

Craig sighed and leaned his head forward resting it on his hand. He suddenly felt exhausted from having revealed all of that to Hannah. For so long he had kept it all in, and while he had dreaded anyone finding out he felt relieved that he now had someone who did. He was waiting for the attack from Hannah. He daren't look up. He felt her hand hold onto his. She was standing by his side now looking down at him.

"I wish you would have told me. You hide things away too much Craig Dean. You're so afraid of anyone see you vulnerable, its really quite irritating" She smiled slightly "You know I'd never judge you. I may not agree with what you did to Tom, but I know you love him, and sometimes we do things because we want the people we love to be happy and what we forget is to think about how it will effect us, you just didn't think. You thought you were doing what was best..."

Craig shook his head "Don't do that Hannah don't try and justify it. What I did was inexcusable. I deserve to feel bad about this. His gone you know? Tom. I don't know where, he just left. Jasmine looks at me like crap and I don't blame her, and before he left he made it pretty clear that us being friends after this is not likely... and I miss him and I really want my friend back, and I know it's selfish and I in no way deserve it..."

"Okay stop. You have to stop beating yourself up. It's done now Craig. You can't take it back. Tom is hurting right now, and he probably needs some time. Jasmine is just being a friend, I'd be the same if someone did that to you. It's just what friends do. I know you miss him. But you may have to accept that, what you had, you'll never get it back"

Craig look back down at the sketch book and he turned it back over, he looked down at the drawing of Tom.

"I really hope that John Paul is worth this Craig"

Craig smiled up at her. "I really believe he is. I just, I need him. Sometimes... sometimes I think I like him more than he likes me, but I never expected to feel this way about anyone and..."

"It's okay. You don't have to explain"

"I want to be able to, it's just I can't. I'm no good with this. I know you say I hide away but it's not something I find easy, the only person who I feel that way with is..."

"John Paul..."

Craig looked down at the sketch in front of him. "I was going to say Tom actually"

Hannah nodded. She didn't say much else on the way home. If she did Craig seemed to block everything out from the classroom to leaving her at her house. He decided to take the longer way home, knowing all that awaited him back home was a very angry Jasmine. Part of him thought of going straight to John Paul's, but he wanted to go home first, he just wanted to delay the inevitable cold shoulder from Jasmine.

As he reached the door he sighed, it wasn't that he was annoyed with Jasmine for being like that, he understood it and he deserved it. He just couldn't help but feel sad and remember a time when everything seemed so perfect living here. Now all it seemed to do was bring him constant reminders of Tom, which soon turned to a feeling of guilt.

As he walked into the hall he could hear Jasmine pottering around in the kitchen. He leaned against the wall for a moment and contemplated just running straight to his room. But he wasn't going to start avoiding her.

"Hey Jasmine"

He called out politely from the corridor and he got no reply. Usually when she didn't reply it meant she was having a bad day and it would no doubt be taken out on Craig. He walked through into the living room. The stereo was on and music was playing softly in the background. But it wasn't Jasmine's style. And as he looked around the room he could sense the difference, the flat looked somehow more cared for.

"Hiya Craig"

Craig looked up immediately, the familiarity of the voice sending a comfort through him. "Tom"

Craig stepped closer towards the kitchen and to Tom. He was standing leaning against the sink, he looked different. His hair scruffily falling across his face, a small amount of stubble on his face. Craig tried to read his expression, but it seemed fairly blank. His eyes looked dark and he seemed tired.

_We used to have this figured out; we used to breathe without a doubt_

Craig opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't know what to say. He suddenly felt like he shouldn't be here. Like he was an intruder. He looked back towards the door briefly and then turned back to Tom who was still standing in the same position looking at him.

"Thinking about making a run for it?" A small smile flickered across Tom's face and Craig felt like running over to him and hugging him and not letting go. He knew he had missed him, but seeing him standing there, he felt like he had been kicked in the stomach and was unable to move.

The awkwardness of it all killed Craig. He hated it. He couldn't bare for there to be any weird feeling between the two of them and he didn't know what to say to clear the air, to make it more comfortable. Everything had always come so naturally to them. Their friendship the one constant thing that Craig had and now it felt like a battle he was losing.

_When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see, we used to have this under control._

He watched Tom's face, focusing on his eyes. Trying to read from them how he was. What he was thinking. But it only seemed to make things worse, the pain only seemed to grow inside of him as Tom stared back at him, his face completely expressionless no emotion or feeling behind his eyes at all. And Craig felt that sharp pain in his chest again, this was all his fault and he could feel that now more clearly than ever. Craig could feel his breathe quickening and a panic rising, he tried to calm himself down, but the thoughts were already out of control and it was like the room was spinning beneath him.

_We never thought, we used to know._

He felt two hands hold onto his arms and pull him up standing straight. The two eyes from before full of nothing were now full of concern and worry.

"Craig? Are you okay?"

Craig leaned forward and rested his head on Tom's chest, he could feel Tom's hands hesitantly resting on his back. "No. I miss you"

He heard Tom let out a heavy sigh and then his body was being crushed against Tom's. He was being selfish he knew that much. He knew he shouldn't have done this. That the pain Tom would be feeling would be too much. But he missed his friend and he wanted this back. He wanted them to be how it had been when they first met, always there for one another, and not strangers. He pushed aside the thoughts of the pain that Tom might feel as his body feel against his and they remained locked in the hug.

_At least there's you, and at least there's me, can we get this back?_

Every now and then he felt Tom's head move. He knew by just being this close to him again, the struggle that was going through Tom's mind, and Craig knew he should care, but he just couldn't seem to bring himself to. He wanted his friend back. Maybe they could still get back to being friends. Tom was here now. He needed him and Tom was there, like he had promised he would be, maybe everything between them wasn't lost.

_Can we get this back to how it used to be?_


	34. How?

**Chapter 34**

Tom wasn't entirely sure how he managed to find himself in this situation. Everything had somehow seemed so clear to him a few days ago and now it all seemed to be one big blur. He knew this was a bad idea, a thousand voices in his head screaming at him telling him to just walk away now, but another small voice seemed to be creeping its way through.

He knew it was Craig's. The whisper of his voice as he had held onto him a few days ago, telling him he needed him. He wished he had some kind of strength when it came to Craig. But he had made him a promise. He told him that if he needed him he would be there. How could he walk away now? After everything they had been through.

He kept himself lost in his thoughts, desperately trying to avoid the glances Jasmine threw his way every now and then when she paused from the washing up to look back at him. He knew that every look she cast at him was her own way of asking him what the hell he was doing. Why he had agreed of all things to go out with Craig for a night out and all his friends.

The answer was stupid. He knew what Jasmine's reaction would be. So he kept putting it off for as long as he could. The truth was he had been trying to avoid Jasmine ever since he got back. The questions would have just flowed out of her if he had given her the opportunity to ask. So he spent most of his time since he got back focusing on work that he missed. Talking to Craig, trying to restore some kind of normality between them, whilst feeling completely awkward, and both of them both bringing up the one thing they both needed to ask about.

It was hard to watch him now. There was something about him. Something different. Tom racked his brain to think of what it could be, why he felt that change in him. It had hit him harder than he expected. _John Paul McQueen_. Tom knew it wasn't exactly rational to hate someone who he had barely spent five minutes talking to. But he knew rational thoughts weren't playing much on his thoughts right now. The pain he felt when he asked Craig what he was doing one night and he saw the hesitance in Craig's eyes, and the lies he fed of a story to cover what he was really doing. He hoped his crying over Craig Dean were over. But that night had proved him wrong.

He looked up at the clock. Craig would be ready soon. And the night from hell would begin. He was torturing himself and he knew it. But curiosity had got the better of him. He almost wanted to see the two of them together, to confirm things. Or maybe to even try and prove a point. Or maybe even because of the feelings he was still holding onto Craig, the protectiveness he felt. He resigned himself to the fact that it was all those reasons, and also that they were stupid reasons. But again, being rational had failed him.

"Okay I can't stand this! I know you are going to tell me to mind my own business…" Jasmine had started talking in such a mumbled hurry Tom had almost missed all of it, her voice was quick and whispered "But what the hell are you doing Tom? I mean really. You've come back and it's just gone back to like how it was before. And you seem so calm. Like you don't even care. And now you're going out with him. And that guy and it's weird. I think it's a really bad idea. I mean I get that you had to come back, but I figured when you did, Craig would move out…"

"Craig's not moving out" Tom could hear the sudden harshness in his voice, and he sighed pulling himself out of his chair to go and stand by the sink with Jasmine.

He knew at some point she would have opened her mouth, it was a miracle to him that she had lasted so long keeping quiet.

"Jazzie… I know you don't understand this. But I made Craig a promise. And I can't break that. I care about him…"

"You're in _love_ with him"

_I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me and now you want to ask me "how?"_

"That's not… it's not about that…"

"It is everything about that. Tom, I know how much you care about him. I've watched you for the last year fall deeper and deeper in love with him, and I know you feel like you have to take care of everyone, especially Craig… but this isn't fair on you. He won't pick you… and you'll never move on from him if you keep doing this"

She was far to wise for her own good. The truth in every single word stabbed his heart, the same feeling it had when Craig had told him the truth. The same feeling he felt everyday he had been apart from Craig.

"My options either way end in pain you realise that? If I walk away, that's it. I don't have anything. Not even friendship. If I stay and I be there for him, that's something isn't it? That's what he needs. He needs me"

"But what about _you_?"

Tom turned and held his hands on the counter, leaning his head forward. "I have to do this, I can't just walk away"

He turned to look at Jasmine, her face was leaning forward away from him, and she was shaking her head slightly, clearly completely bothered by his willingness to cause himself pain.

The living room door swung open with a slight thud. Tom turned to see Craig smiling in the doorway. Looking far too good for it to be fair. Tom sighed before turning back to Jasmine, he placed his hand on her back slightly "I will be okay" He kissed her on the cheek and made his way to the door.

Craig had already moved down the hall and was waiting by the door. The two of them said nothing has they walked the short journey into town. Tom had every intention of trying to make the evening light, and seem as casual as possible, but Jasmine's words had left him shaken. The truth behind each of them echoing through him. The question of why he was doing this ringing over and over in his mind.

He followed Craig aimlessly, walking slightly behind him, letting him lead the way. Every now and then Craig turned to look at him, a small uneasy smile on his face. He tried to figure out what he was thinking, something that had always come so easy to him, something he used to be able to do without much thought. But he couldn't see past whatever façade Craig had been putting up, and he couldn't break it down.

_It's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breath?_

Was he thinking exactly the same thing? Was he wondering what the hell he was doing here, why Tom had ever agreed to this? The pub they entered was quiet for now, a few people standing round the bar, sitting on tables, music quietly playing in the background. He had sort of hoped wherever they had gone would be loud, anyway to avoid conversation.

Again he lagged behind letting Craig go to his friends first. Because they were, they were _his_ friends, again the question of why he was here replayed in his mind. He watched Craig greet each of his friends, Nancy was still as enthusiastic, Hannah seemed somewhat worried and anxious casting a small look at Craig after they hugged, Sarah flung her arms around Craig almost losing the small piece of fabric which she clearly assumed was a dress, Tom shook his head and laughed. The last greeting was the one that held his most interest. Craig moved quickly around the table to greet John Paul, the two of them eyes locked on one another, stopping a few steps apart from one another. Tom watched John Paul smile and look towards the girls, Craig placed his hand on John Paul's arm, and John Paul immediately pulled his arm away, his face changing suddenly. He turned his body away from Craig, and smiled towards the girls, his eyes immediately stopped in Tom's direction. The friendly demeanour that John Paul just had changing abruptly. His body language shifted, his face almost angry, he moved round the table sitting down as far away from Craig as the table would allow.

Tom felt a pair of arms collapse around him, and he pulled back to see the smiling face of Nancy looking up at him. He smiled back and allowed himself to be pulled to the table.

The greetings were as awkward as expected, Sarah's shock and excitement at seeing Tom at least made it slightly less so, allowing Tom a chance to laugh at her ridiculousness as she tripped her way around the table to hug him and then drag a still concerned looking Hannah to the bar. Hannah looked less surprised to see him and the curious looks she threw Craig did not go unnoticed by Tom.

Tom sat next to Nancy as she began talking animatedly about what she had been doing, he tried to concentrate on her, it was hard not to with the sheer volume of her voice over the quietness of the pub. He looked between John Paul and Craig every now and then, watching the glances they shared. Craig smiling softly to him, John Paul's face remaining harsh and still angry looking.

_Why did you come here? You weren't invited._

"So what you been up to?" He could hear the carefulness in Nancy's voice. Clearly there hadn't been much talk about he and Craig's break up. Her voice even held some questioning as to why he was here after so long of not coming out with them.

"Not much. I went away for a few days, and then work really. Nothing exciting I'm afraid"

Nancy nodded and turned back to look at him "Your hairs getting long" she smiled and ruffled his hair. Tom laughed loudly.

"Is that your not so subtle way of telling me it looks a mess?"

"It suits you better longer" Both Tom and Nancy turned their heads immediately in the direction the voice had come from. Craig's face staring back at them.

_And you're on the outside - stay on the outside and now you want to ask me "why?"_

Another awkward silence fell across the table. Tom kept his gaze on Craig, even as he felt Nancy move away from him and start talking to John Paul, he kept looking at him. The silence soon ended as Sarah and Hannah came back, holding a jug of some cocktail that Tom didn't really care what it was but that he had some right now to try and make the evening easier.

Sarah held most of the conversation. She seemed to find it very easy to talk about herself. Hannah glanced at him a few times, rolling her eyes. Any other time he might have had comments to add in after Sarah's "interesting" stories, but he was happy enough to let her carry on, and everyone else seemed entertained by them, so he smiled along. Zoning in and out.

"Tom how are things at work?" Hannah's soft voice filtered across the table in a moment of rare silence from Sarah.

"You know. Same as always. A couple of new kids in the other day…"

"I have to say…" Sarah's voice bellowed over whatever Hannah had opened her mouth to say "What you do is amazing Tom. Giving all those people somewhere to go… it's sad to think really people you know living on the streets, nowhere to go…"

Tom shook his head slightly "Actually most of the kids that come in do have somewhere to go, it's just that they don't want to. It's that staying there is better than going back to whatever waits for them at home. At least with us they're safe"

Tom's voice sounded sad even to himself, he stared down into his drink. "It is fantastic though Tom" Hannah's voice sounds sincere and understanding, he looked up to see a soft smile on her face, and a look of confusion plastered across Sarah's, almost put out. Tom smiled back at Hannah; he had always felt uncomfortable getting any recognition from what he did. That was never why he had started it; it was to give people something he had wished he had when he was growing up. He turned to Craig, and for one brief moment he saw _his_ Craig. He saw the understanding in his eyes, he saw that Craig knew exactly what he was feeling, how uncomfortable he felt.

_It's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?_

The creek of a chair snapped them both out of their gaze. Across the table John Paul was standing up, glaring at Craig, the look unnoticed by Nancy and Sarah who were now talking, and then John Paul was gone, moving to the bar, moving through the people that had now entered the pub. Craig turned to look at Hannah and quickly stood up before disappearing into the same crowd John Paul had.

Tom tried to look through the crowd to see Craig, but he was gone. Off somewhere with John Paul. Tom didn't realise his presence would have such an angry effect on John Paul. He wondered why John Paul had the right to be well what seemed jealous, and yet still demanded that he and Craig's relationship was a secret. He had Craig running around him, doing things all his way.

"His glad that your back you know?" Hannah's voice was closer now and by his side. He turned to look at her and nodded.

"So how long have you known?"

Hannah turned away and looked down into her drink "About a couple of weeks. You?"

"Since the first moment he met him"

"Tom… I'm sorry…"

Tom laughed slightly "What are you sorry for? Hannah, I knew… I'm just as responsible for letting myself get in so deep with Craig" Tom sighed "I really shouldn't have come here tonight, Jasmine was just so right…"

"Then why did you?"

_There are some things that I'd like to figure out - there are some things that i can do without_

Tom shrugged "I want to make sure his okay Hannah. I can't help it. I worry about him, and I don't want anyone to hurt him. Watching the two of them… I mean it's obvious and it hurts. But you know, I think it would hurt a little less, if I believed that John Paul was worthy of the feelings Craig has for him. He barely looks at him, he flinched his arm away when he touched him, and if I had Craig I would never… I shouldn't have come here"

Tom jumped up from his chair. He quickly said goodbye to everyone at the table, before turning away. The desperate need to escape overwhelming him. He pushed his way through the crowd, the door seemed like so far away and he couldn't get there quick enough.

_Like you and your letters that go on forever, and you, and the people that were never friends_

He reached the doorframe, the door was open and the cool hair breezed through, calming him slightly. He stepped forward, he could hear hushed voices from outside, as he stepped closer still unseen, he knew Craig's voice instantly. The two of them were standing outside just around the corner, and Tom should have walked out right then, but again curiosity got the better of him.

"… he is my friend John Paul. I can't just stop being friends with him"

"It's not just that Craig. I mean he knows and I don't want him saying anything to anyone"

"He won't… his not like that…"

"Oh no of course his not! Perfect _Tom_"

"Don't talk about him like that. I don't get you John Paul, you can't bare the thought of anyone knowing, and yet you act like this… like you're jealous…"  
"How else do you expect me to feel? When his in there staring at you and you're…"

"And I'm what?"

"Why would you invite him here? Did you not think about how I'd feel?"

Tom stepped back inside slightly. He could feel the anger building up inside of him. He had for a long time wanted to give John Paul the benefit of the doubt. He could see how much Craig cared, and Craig had insisted that John Paul was a good person, but in that moment after listening to those few words from John Paul's mouth all he could see him for was selfish and completely unaware to how lucky he was.

He heard Craig's voice grow closer, and he moved backwards into the shadow slightly "I'm going back inside… if you want to leave. Just go" Craig rushed by quickly. His voice hadn't sounded angry. It just sounded sad. Why wasn't Craig standing up for himself? Why was he just accepting that from him?

Every instinct was telling Tom to go back in and make sure Craig was okay. That would have been the right thing to do. The thing a friend would. But all he could think about was how John Paul hadn't come back into the pub and was most likely still waiting outside, and the need to go out and there and tell him exactly what he thought seemed overwhelming. He pushed forward of the wall and turned towards the door, his body immediately crashing against John Paul's. The anger he saw in the boys eyes seemed to match his own.

Without even thinking Tom had him held by the shirt and was pushing him outside, and he practically threw him against the wall.

"I just caught the end of your little performance John Paul. I have to say, you're better than I gave you credit for. You've got him exactly where you want him haven't you? You're getting what you want, you're hiding away making him feel guilty if he so much looks at you…"

"You don't know anything about it. Or me"

"Oh yes I do. I know exactly what you are like. I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt all this time. He told me you really care about him, and I believed it. Because I trust Craig. But watching the two of you, watching how you were with him, how easy you find it to cast him aside without even caring that every time you do you hurt him, I finally see exactly what you are. A scared, pathetic, little boy. You don't deserve him"

Tom watched as John Paul moved away from the wall slightly, a smirk on his face "See what I think Tom, what bothers you the most, is that its me he really cares about. That it's me he wants. Maybe that's why its so hard for you to watch the two of us together, because you know the way he looks at me, he will never look at you that way"

John Paul was standing only steps away from him now, and again the anger in Tom took over, and he was moving forward, pushing John Paul to the wall, pinning him there.

"You think that what the two of you have can compare to what me and Craig have? I have been there with him through everything. You think a few looks can cast aside everything we have been through? You listen to me John Paul, all I have seen you do since you walked into his life is cause him pain. I don't fucking care about how he looks at you, if he wants you, all I care about that he is happy, and if you so much as do anything to hurt him. You will regret it. If you think I'm just going to let you walk all over him them you have got another thing coming"

Tom leaned away and pushed John Paul against the wall again before turning away. "That's all interesting. But who would he pick now. Who would he go home with right now?" John Paul was making his way towards Tom again, the same smirk on his face "I think you and I both know it wouldn't be you"

Tom opened his mouth to respond, but John Paul was already half way through the door and heading back inside. He knew that he could stand up for Craig all he liked; he could be there as much as Craig needed him to be. But John Paul was right, if it came down to choosing, it would never be Tom. And he had been kidding himself believing that there was a small chance that Craig would still pick Tom. That what they had was too strong to give up.

_With all the things that you could be, you never could learn how to be me_

He turned away from the pub and looked down the street. It was raining slightly, but he didn't want to go back inside and he didn't want to go home. Both places just a constant reminder of the harsh truth. Craig would always be there, everywhere he went, but he knew he would never be Craig's first choice. 


	35. Broken

**Chapter 35**

John Paul closed his eyes as he walked along, he leaned in a little closer to Craig, he felt a cool breeze hit his face, he allowed himself to give over to the moment. It was easy when it was like this, when they had left everyone behind, when there was no one else around, he wasn't afraid to step that bit closer to Craig, to let their hands touch slightly as they walked along. He thought maybe he was getting better, that it was getting easier, that maybe someday he would be brave enough to be honest. But why was it something would always pull him from that?

Spending the day with his family and being away from Craig was always something that caused that fear, nights like tonight when he felt like everything he was doing was being watched. He could feel Tom's eyes on him all night, the one person besides him and Craig who knew the truth, watching him, judging him, he felt suffocated and threatened. He could still see the look of pain in Tom's eyes with the words he had spoken, and he couldn't help but feel guilt with every word he remembered. He opened his eyes and shook his head, practically disgusted with himself. He didn't even know what he was saying, the words had already left his mouth before he could take them back.

Having Tom there, it bought something out in him he didn't like. He didn't like how on edge it made him feel, he felt exposed that somehow everyone else would figure it out and he hated the way Tom looked at Craig, watching every movement, their eyes locking, sharing a moment that was only for the two of them.

The jealousy was unfair he knew that much, he had no right to feel jealous when he couldn't even be honest about him and Craig, but he couldn't control it, the two of them arriving together, the comments and looks clear to John Paul. They hadn't spoken much since John Paul had gone back into the bar, Craig had sat mostly with Hannah, and John Paul had talked to Nancy, then they left walking the girls home, and now there were alone. John Paul wanted to turn and look at Craig, he was still walking closely by his side, their hands brushing against one another's as they walked, all John Paul had to do was grab hold of Craig's hand, it was nothing. There was basically no one around, and he wanted not to care.

He finally turned to look at Craig's face. He was looking straight on as they walked, he could see a pain flickering in Craig's eyes, something unspoken, it had been there all night, just more clearer now they were alone. He wanted to reach out and touch him, to tell him that whatever it was everything was going to be okay, but afraid that he was the cause of the pain.

He looked around the street, it was empty now, as they approached the village no one was around, the sound that usually filled here, people talking, everyone going about their business, it was still now, silent. It was just the two of them and John Paul didn't feel afraid, He breathed in deeply and reached out with his hand, the small distance between his and Craig's closing. Such a small gesture. One that were this not the middle of the night with no one around, he would not be so brave. But it was something. He felt Craig's body freeze, and with almost a fear John Paul turned to look at him. The look on Craig's face was almost unreadable, he looked completely dazed by the gesture, the same pain still lingering there, even as he mouth moved into a smile. John Paul wanted to say so many things in that moment, but they all fell lost. He gripped tighter onto Craig's hand and pulled him along quickly, wanting more than anything to be back at his house, in his room.

The walk that only took a few minutes felt like an eternity, Craig still had a firm grip of John Paul's hands as they climbed the stairs quietly to John Paul's room, but he hadn't looked at John Paul since, he hadn't spoken, and John Paul suddenly felt afraid, he knew something was wrong, he knew the argument from outside wasn't forgotten. It was playing on Craig's mind, he could see that much. All he wanted was to forget it, he hadn't meant any of it, he had let his foolish jealousy over take him and all he wanted to do now was take it back. He wanted to explain to make Craig understand why he acted like that, but with each moment the two of them spent together, the more he could feel the two of them getting closer and closer, almost losing a part of himself to Craig, and it was terrifying.

John Paul was in his room now, moving in further through the dark, searching for the lamp by his bed to turn on. He removed his jacket and threw it on the bed. He could see Craig's eyes watching him as he moved. When he finally turned to look at him, his eyes seemed conflicted.

"I think I should go John Paul..."

There had clearly been more to the sentence, but John Paul just didn't want to hear it, he didn't want Craig to leave, he wanted him to stay with him and forget everything else that had happened, he found himself moving quickly to the doorway where Craig still stood, and he was pulling Craig into the room, shutting the door quietly behind him, one hand still gripping onto Craig's jacket.

"I don't want you to go, please, I'm sorry about earlier, I acted like an idiot"

Craig shook his head slightly "It's not that. It's Tom. I'm worried about him, Hannah said he looked pretty upset when he left, I should make sure his okay..."

John Paul felt his grip on Craig loosening. A few hours ago he had boasted to Tom, that given a choice Craig would always pick John Paul, and it would seem that this moment was proving him wrong.

"You're gonna leave me to go and see _Tom?_"

John Paul hated the tone in his voice, he hated that he was being so selfish. As Craig began to speak John Paul could hear the sadness in it "John Paul his my friend and... I... his my friend alright?"

John Paul shook his head and stepped back, making the space between them bigger "You always do that you know? You go to talk about him and then stop?"

"What exactly do you expect from me John Paul? You've made it pretty clear how you feel about Tom, you made it very clear to him tonight as well that you don't like him, you barely said two words to him"

"What were you expecting Craig? For me to be happy that you invited him out with us? He doesn't like me you know that?"

John Paul crossed in front of Craig moving further into the room "Its not like that... it's just imagine how difficult this is for him?"

"Yes it is like that. And you know what, you know how difficult it is for him, so why invite him?"

Craig was moving closer to him now, his voice whispered but anger slowly building up "I've told you he is my friend, we've been through a lot together, and if I can some how make things right between us I'm going to, I need him in my life John Paul..."

"More than you need me?"

The words had left his mouth without even thinking and he wanted to take them back, he wanted to stop speaking, but something had opened and now it wouldn't close.

"Because your precious Tom seems to think that you would pick him in a heartbeat"

Confusion swept across Craig's face "What are you talking about?"

"Tom ambushed me outside after our argument, he was listening. Told me exactly what he thought of me. So yeah I know he doesn't like me because he pretty much spelt it out, and he thinks that what you and me have is nothing compared to the two of you..."

Craig was shaking his head now, trying to take all of it in, and all John Paul wanted to do was just stop all of this, to let it all go, but part of him wanted to know, the insecurities nagging away at him needed to know that it would be John Paul that he would pick no matter what.

"That doesn't even sound like Tom... why would he say that?"

"His right isn't he? You would pick him..."

"Why do I have to pick anyone? His my friend and you... all Tom would want is for me to be happy. His protective he always has been, if he sees that I could get hurt..."

"That's what he thinks right? That I'm going to hurt you?"

"Aren't you?"

John Paul looked up to meet Craig's eyes. They were wide in genuine concern, tears forming.

"You won't mean to, and I know I said I could handle it, but tonight... every time I so much as spoke to you in front of everyone you just... it was almost like I didn't exist, and you didn't even realise you were doing it I think. That's what bothers me so much, is that you do it so naturally, you don't even think about rejecting me, you just do it. Because that's what it is you see, every time you flinch away from my touch, or turn away when I talk to you, its you rejecting me. I can push it aside sometimes, I can focus on the times when its good, but I'll always remember those moments won't I? When you do push me away, and how many will there be? It can't always be like this, and I can't expect you to change just because I can't handle it..."

A panic set in over John Paul as he listened to Craig's words, this isn't what he had wanted at all, he just wanted to be sure, he wanted to know that Craig wanted and needed him more than anyone else. He tried to think back throughout the night to any moment when Craig may have spoken to him, he tried to recollect pushing him aside or ignoring him, and he couldn't remember, he couldn't see it in his mind. And as he looked into Craig's eyes he knew it was all true, that he had done it all so easily, he had been able to hurt the one person he didn't want to so easily, without even thinking, without even considering the actions that he was taking was causing Craig pain. And in that moment he just wished he was stronger, that he was able to be all the things Craig needed him to be. That he could be like... Tom.

It wasn't that he was jealous at all, it was that he Tom could give Craig everything that he needed. Someone who wasn't ashamed or scared. Someone who would proudly walk down the street and grab hold of his hand without a second thought no matter what time of day. It wasn't jealousy. It was the harsh realisation that Tom was exactly what Craig deserved, and John Paul was weak. Resulting to lies to get a reassurance from Craig that he didn't even deserve.

He was walking closer to Craig again, he wanted to reach out and hold onto him, just for one moment, to see what he had in front of him. Craig's eyes were still holding back tears, he had turned his face away by the time John Paul had reached him.

"I love you John Paul. But I don't think you'll ever be able to say it to me..." John Paul's hands had reached Craig's jacket again and he was gripping onto the front of it, he buried his head into Craig's chest, taking in everything about him, how he felt to be so close to him, even his smell, just to remember. He moved his head backwards to look up at Craig, their eyes met.

"I... I just.. I'm sorry..."

Craig's entire body changed, like he had been holding his breathe and finally let it go and he was gripping onto John Paul's hands, prising them off his jacket. Then he just nodded and stepped backwards.

"I should just go..." He moved backwards, not turning until the last possible moment. John Paul's head was screaming at him to follow and take hold of him again and just say the words that were right there, that he felt, that were true. He watched as Craig turned away and opened the door, looking back at him just once, almost waiting to see if John Paul had the courage and the strength to say it back. John Paul wasn't sure how long they stood looking at one another, and he wasn't sure how long it had been since Craig had left and the door had shut, but in the silence and darkness the words found him, just too late.

"I love you"


	36. Coffee & Cigarettes

**Chapter Thirty-Six – Coffee & Cigarettes**

Craig could hear the faint sound of someone moving around in the flat, he could hear the kettle boiling and the clatter of cutlery being thrown into the sink. He had waited up until 3am waiting for Tom to come home, but he never had. Even as he had got into bed he still lay there for a while, waiting to hear the door open, but he hadn't and sleep had won over.

He had been ready last night to confront Tom about the things John Paul had said, he had been ready to question him over all the accusations John Paul had made, but now he just felt too exhausted to do any of it. Almost as if it just wasn't worth it any more.

He finally felt like he had been getting somewhere with John Paul. Things had been good. Really good. Really he should have seen this coming, he shouldn't have been so stupid to have invited Tom out with them, so naive to think that those two worlds could exist together, that he could be with John Paul and still keep Tom as his friend. Especially when just being with John Paul was turning out to be the hardest thing of all.

He didn't want to give up on John Paul, even last night, the struggle within himself to stay with him regardless of everything that had been said was so strong, but he didn't know how much more he could take of constantly being pushed away by John Paul. He could never quite figure out where it came from. From jealousy or fear. Maybe it was both. Whatever it was, Craig had thought he could handle both, that it wouldn't matter as long as John Paul always knew that he was exactly what Craig wanted. But he felt like he was finally opening his eyes to see what was really going on around him. Perhaps it had been the presence of Tom that had made him so aware of John Paul's actions, he didn't know. But he had never been so aware of John Paul's constant casting him aside, the way he would barely meet his eyes or even speak to him.

It must have happened before Craig knew that much, but had he been so blinded by his feelings for John Paul that he didn't even realise?

Craig sat up quickly from the bed, standing up he looked around the room. It was still as bare as the day he had moved in here. He had never added much of himself to this room. He thought back to his room back at his Mum's, drawings on the walls, pictures of Hannah and Nancy, pictures of him, of Tom. What was it he had been looking for when he moved in here? What exactly was it he hoped to escape from? He couldn't even remember. He had never been so cut off from his family. He never expected for a second he would miss it. But today he did. He wished he was back in his old room, the smell of breakfast pouring through his door, the sound of Steph and Darren arguing as they ate, he missed it. His Mum had been dropping so many hints over the last few visits at the hospital, and so many times he had just wanted to say yes and that he would come back, but something seemed to stop him, pride maybe. Even the fear that all the problems, all the reasons he left would resurface.

He walked to his door and pulled on his jeans from last night, his white vest still on from sleep, finally feeling brave enough to venture out of the room. He looked up and down the hall, he could hear the shower running in the bathroom and Tom's door open, he walked slowly towards it, and 

stopped halfway, before turning back and quickly marching into the living room to get to the kitchen, hoping to avoid it for a while longer.

The avoidance he wanted however did not happen. Tom was pottering around in the kitchen, cleaning dishes, wiping down the surfaces. Craig couldn't help but laugh quietly to himself. Most mornings he would find Tom like this, they shared their own private joke about Tom making someone an excellent wife one day. The smile faded quickly as he realised that it hadn't been like that between them for a long time. The comfortableness of the friendship missing somehow, and Craig couldn't help but feel completely to blame.

Tom turned round and caught Craig's eye straight away. A small smile appeared before he turned back round and began making coffee. Craig edged back into the living room and stopped as soon as he saw the dining table. Two suitcases sitting in front of it. He quickly glanced back at Tom and then down at the suitcases again. His whole body turned around and watched Tom. He seemed calm and relaxed, happily carrying on as normal. He turned again to face Craig, his smile soon fading as he saw the expression he was met with. His eyes glancing down to the suitcases.

Craig moved out the room, and down the hallway, pushing open Tom's door fully, looking inside. Everything that made Tom's room was gone. The pictures on the wall, the bedding the books on the shelfs, the CD's organised in some random order. Craig pulled open the wardrobes and slammed the shut straight after, all of them empty. He stepped backwards and the back of his legs met the bed, he sat down, and looked around, this room now as empty as his.

"You can check under the bed as well if you like. There's nothing there"

Craig snapped his head up to see Tom standing in the doorway, leaning against the door frame. He shook his head "I don't understand"

Tom sighed heavily "Oh come on Craig, of course you do. I think it's pretty obvious don't you?"

A silence fell over the room, as Craig took everything in. He didn't want this to be real. It could quite easily be a dream, he could still be asleep, he closed his eyes tightly hoping it would be. But as he opened them again to look around he saw the room was still empty. Tom was walking into the room now, moving past the bed and looking out of the large window at the back of the room.

"I don't want you to leave Tom" It was a pathetic plea, Craig knew that much. It didn't say everything he wanted to say, he couldn't find any more words than that.

"I know you don't. There's a part of me that doesn't want to either. But if I stay here, I'm always going to be this person for you Craig, and as much as I want to be, there's also this other part of me that thinks I deserve more than that. That I can't sit around waiting for you, because that is what I'd be doing. As long as you keep me close, I'll always hope there's a chance for more. When you and I both know, that's never going to happen" Craig heard Tom sigh heavily, and he turned his head to look at him.



He was still staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts. Tom turned his head and their eyes locked "You'll always pick him, and that's okay. But I can't... I can't watch the two of you be together, and fight, and be happy"

Craig stood up and walked slowly to stand in front of Tom. "Why does it have to be that way? Why do I have to choose?"

"You don't. There is no choice. You already made yours. I'm the one whose been making you conflicted, I think you've been sure of your feelings for John Paul from the first moment you saw him. I was just something that got in the way, I could see myself losing you and I didn't want to. I know you're blaming yourself right now Craig. But you shouldn't be. This is just as much my fault. I knew when I told you how I felt the feelings you had for John Paul, I knew when I asked you to move in here I was making it harder on myself, and I know every time you call me and you need me I come running because I don't want to see you in any pain, and I do it all so easily, because I love you"

"You don't have to leave Tom. I should leave, this is your home. I don't even belong here..."

"This isn't my home. I'm not just leaving here Craig. I'm leaving Chester. I'm going to see my Nan for a couple of days, and then I'm gone..."

"Where are you going to go?"

Tom shrugged his shoulders and turned to look back out the window "Wherever I want. I spent most of my life helping people who were like me when I was a kid, people with nowhere to go, all I ever really wanted was somewhere to fit in. To feel like I belonged you know? And for a little while, I thought I had found that. But I realised relying on people to help you fill those holes you have, it doesn't work, it's just something you have to find yourself. And I haven't found it"

Craig knew there was no point in fighting this, he could see the decision already made in Tom's eyes. He knew that any attempt to make Craig stay would only be selfish on his part. He had been holding onto Tom for the reassurance he needed of having someone in his life. He had been there for him when he felt like no one else had, and the fear of losing that was crippling. But this wasn't about him, it was about Tom and what Tom needed. For so long Tom had put Craig first above everything, even his own feelings, and now Craig had to do the same for his friend, no matter the pain he felt in the process.

Craig closed the small distance that was between the two of them, and pulled Tom's body close to his own. Tom's arms were hesitant in wrapping round Craig, but they soon rested on his back, holding onto him tightly, his head wresting on Craig's shoulder.

"I'm going to miss you so much" Craig could feel Tom nodding against his shoulder and then him pulling away slightly. Craig kept his arms around Tom even as he moved back, and Tom placed his hands on Craig's face.

"You are going to be fine. I know you think you aren't strong enough, but you are. You have to 

promise me one thing though okay? Never let anyone feel like you aren't good enough. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve..." Tom leaned in again his head resting on Craig's shoulder, his lips near Craig's ear "And don't give up on him"

Craig pulled back slightly to look into Tom eyes. Every else seemed to melt away for a brief moment, all the drama and pain from over the past few months, and for the first time he could remember, all he could see as he looked back at Tom was his best friend. The boy he had met that day when he felt lost and alone, the one who pulled him out of it and always said exactly the right thing.

"You were right about one thing earlier as well you know..." Tom smiled slightly still holding onto Craig "You don't belong here. Go home Craig. Go to your family"

Craig went to open his mouth, but Tom leaned in quickly and softly pressed his lips against Craig's, his hands moving up to hold onto his face. It lasted only a few seconds, as Craig pulled away he watched Tom, his eyes still close, clearly committing the moment to memory, then he was smiling again.

"And don't worry about Jake. These things have a way of working themselves out in the end..."

Craig knew that Tom was going to say more, but he had said enough already, everything that needed to be said, and he leaned in again. If this was the last time he was going to see Tom for who knows how long, he wanted the moment to be more than Tom helping him again. He wanted it to be just about the two of them, and what they had. He pressed his lips against Tom's, deepening the kiss quickly, waiting for Tom to respond, and he soon did. His hands back on Craig's face, then running through his hair. Craig pressed against Tom, enjoying the comfort of being so close to him again, his hands moving up Tom's back, resting there pressing the two of them together.

Craig finally broke away, he watched as Tom stepped back, breathless and slightly shocked by Craig's actions "Something to remember you by?"

"Yeah. Something like that" Craig smiled softly, and moved away from Tom's embrace, still holding onto his hand. He looked out the window and saw a cab waiting on the street below. "Would you have said goodbye..."

"Of course I would" Craig turned to look at Tom, the sincerity in his eyes made it clear he didn't need to question it any further.

"Don't come down to the cab. Be easier this way"

He felt Tom let go of his hand, and move away. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things that he should have said, but never got the chance. He knew Tom could see the struggle he was having to try and convey everything he was feeling with just a few words, how could he say goodbye.

"Craig, you don't have to say anything. I know. Everything you want to say, I understand"  


Craig smiled softly and nodded "I love you"

"I know you do, but you'll get over it" Tom smiled widely before turning out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Craig fell back against the wall, falling down it and meeting the ground. He wanted to lift himself up and run out and stop Tom from leaving, he wanted to be selfish enough to do that, to beg him to stay, it took all the strength he had not to. He pressed his fingers together curling them into fists, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall.

He could hear footsteps in the hallway, it would have been so easy, all he had to do was run out and stop this from happening, he could still do it. The sound of the door shutting had him on his feet and across the room, his hand was on the handle ready to follow, but again he stopped himself, kicking the door before he turned away, the emptiness of the room facing him once again. That's when he saw it, the one thing of Tom's that he had left behind. Sat on the bedside cabinet was the same picture that had always been there. The one of two friends, two people who had found each other when they felt no one else would ever understand or be there for them. Craig clutched onto it tightly, looking down at the two smiling faces, he felt like his own was barely recognisable.

Still holding onto the the photo, he walked back to the window, the cab still waiting. Tom standing by the door, Jasmine throwing the suitcase in the back of the car. He watched the two of them hug quickly, and Tom opening the door. Pausing for a moment, looking up at the window where Craig stood. They both knew one another was there, a small smile forming for both of them. And then Tom was gone, the door was closed and the cab had pulled away, Craig watched it till it disappeared into nothing.


	37. Sick Cycle Carousel

**Apologies for the ridiculously long wait in between updates. There is only a few more chapters to go. So for anyone still reading. Enjoy.**

**Claire x**

**Chapter Thirty-Seven – Sick Cycle Carousel**

John Paul could hear the muffled sound of people talking downstairs. The weekend seemed to be dragging some what, and his family were being overly annoying, or so it seemed to him. He felt like every time he went down there he was attacked by one of them, asking what his plans were, had he heard from Chloe, he felt like all he got was a constant ramble of questioning from them. And he couldn't even ignore it, it was always there. The only one who didn't was Mercedes, the only one who knew that he was no longer with Chloe was the one person who let him be. In amidst all the questions she would through a sympathetic look his way, something that bewildered him, Mercedes was exactly known for her compassion.

He had too many other things on his mind to be focusing on them. He had done nothing but reply his conversation with Craig over and over in his mind. He had never felt so angry at himself before, he had never felt so confused. The jealousy that had overwhelmed him that night had been completely irrational, he didn't want to be that way, he knew he had no right to be, and yet the words had left him without even a second thought, without even thinking how much they would hurt Craig.

_If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine - if it had a home would it be my eyes _

He could see himself so clearly now. He was scared. He was a coward. He had something real for the first time in his life and he was too weak to just step up and admit to it. John Paul found it so easy to look around his life and blame other people for how he felt, but maybe all along it had been him. The only one holding him back was himself. He blamed getting his closed off behavior on his family, but yet they were always there for him, always concerned that he was okay. They cared about him more than anything and still he acted like they were some kind of burden.

Then there was Craig, the light in all of it. The one thing that he had been so sure of. Something that made him believe he could be better, that saw something in him that he never imagined anyone would, who made him feel things he hadn't even realised existed and all he had done was push him further and further away, one moment telling him he wanted him, the next pushing him away, getting jealous, but never actually being brave enough to admit the truth of it all to anyone.

He could see it _so_ clearly. He didn't deserve any of them.

_Would you believe me if I said I am tired of this - well here we go one more time_

John Paul pulled his dressing gown around him, tying it up tightly before venturing out of his room. He had managed to hide away all morning, he knew that inevitably one of them would come knocking on his door with a wide smile and a cup of tea, he thought he may as well save them the trouble.

As he reached the bottom of the stairs he saw his Mum busily working away in the kitchen preparing breakfast, helped by an unwilling Michaela, Carmel was reading a magazine reading out everyone's horoscopes, mispronouncing a vast amount of words, Jacqui was sat opposite her listening intently and Tina and Mercedes sat on the sofa staring at the TV screen. Mercedes caught his eye first nodding her head but not saying anything. He went down and sat quickly by her side.

He stared blankly at the TV screen for a while, until he felt two questioning eyes on him. He turned to his left to see Mercedes looking at him. "What?"

"You alright?" Her tone was classic Mercedes, full of concern but desperate to cover it up so it seemed like she didn't.

John Paul only nodded. What exactly could he say? "No I'm not actually. I'm a complete idiot and I just ruined possibly one of the best things that happened to me. Oh and by the way I'm gay" It took him only seconds to register that he had thought that to himself. He looked away from the TV and around the room, no one looking at him now, and he was relieved. The look of shock plastered across his face would only spark up more questioning from them.

It really wasn't that much of a big deal was it? Even though he had never actually thought it to himself, never actually been brave enough to. He felt so stupid as he looked around at everyone, so oblivious in their own worlds.

"You alright love?"

He looked up quickly to see his Mum smiling down at him. "Made you some tea and toast on the side there. Chloe called last night, did I tell you? Have you called her back yet?"

John Paul opened his mouth to respond, he was fairly sure his look of confusion still lingered across his face. Before he could respond another voice had already answered.

"Of course he hasn't look at his face, guilty as anything..." John Paul looked away from his Mum's gazing eyes towards Jacqui who was staring at him waving around a piece of toast. Again he opened his mouth to respond, but was once again stopped in his tracks. He really didn't know why he bothered.

"Let me read your horoscope John Paul..." His head snapped to Carmel who was smiling at him excitedly and then turned her attention back to her magazine, frantically searching the page.

"You leave your brother alone Jacqui, you'll call Chloe today won't you love?"

He didn't even respond and his Mum was gone, back into the kitchen, pottering around.

"Ah ha. Here we are John Paul. "You will receive a surprise visitor..." Oh how exciting..."

"You do realise that rubbish is only written so idiots like you will believe it Carm..." Mercedes didn't even look away from the TV screen as she threw an insult in Carmel's direction. John Paul sighed and looked down and began munching on his toast. Contemplating running back up to his room.

"It's not rubbish! Astromony is taken very seriously by some people"

"Well I rest my case about the idiot thing, it's astrology Carm..."

Mercedes had thrown the remote down now and moved away from the sofa and was heading to the stairs, John Paul couldn't help but think that was extremely unfair that she was going to escape and he wasn't.

"Why do you always have to make me look stupid Mercedes? It's not fair..." Carmel's voice went high and whiney, the only way it ever went when her and Mercedes got like this.

"Oh believe me Carmel you do not need my help making you look stupid, you do pretty well by yourself"

That can't be good. He knew what would come next. "Mum! Tell her!"

"Leave your sister alone Mercedes"

"Whatever, I'm going out..."

"Oh no your not, you promised me you'd help me with shopping today"

John Paul continued to eat his toast, while his Mum marched out the kitchen. "Why can't one of these lot help you?"

"Cos they all have to go to work"

"Unlike some people" Carmel's voice was quiet but loud enough for the entire room to have heard. John Paul sighed and stood up, he really had enough of this.

"What's thats supposed to mean? I have been looking for a job, it's not my fault if there's nought is it?"

Carmel stood up from the counter and threw her magazine down "Oh no it's never your fault is it Mercedes?"

John Paul managed to scramble between Carmel and Mercedes before the hitting and slapping began, but he felt an arm on his hand pulling him back.

"You will ring Chloe won't you love? She looked a bit upset at your party, you hardly spent five minutes with her..."

"Yeah John Paul you be careful, you don't keep her happy you'll lose her..."

"Mercedes don't pull me hair, it took me ages..."

He turned to his left to see Mercedes grabbing hold of her Carmel's hair, Tina sat quietly in utter disgust at their behavior, Jacqui and Michaela laughed from the kitchen and his Mum looked up at him with pleading eyes.

"She's a lovely girl John Paul, I'd hate to think you'd lose her..."

"Just BACK OFF"

The volume of his voice shocked even him, and immediately he felt six pairs of stunned eyes on him.

"No Mum, I will not be calling Chloe, You know why? Because we broke up months ago alright? And before you even ask why I didn't tell you, why do you think? Just take a look around. The lot of you constantly bothering me, asking me when she's going to be here next, asking stupid pointless question. Why do you think I'd never tell you anything about my life, I don't think you even care just as long as your all in your own little worlds, letting poor pathetic John Paul just get on with it..."

His voice was getting louder as he spoke. Months, perhaps even years of anger that had been under the surface suddenly rising above.

"John Paul..."

"Just stop it Mum. Don't say anything. The lot of you barely even notice I'm here, and the only time you do its to nag me about things that are none of your business and I'm sick of it..."

"It's because we care about you love..."

"You care about me? When have you ever actually asked me how I am, what I want? Never. You can say you care all you want, but you don't and you'll never understand..."

It was all coming out in one confusing blur and John Paul wasn't entirely sure that he was making any sense at all. All he knew he was taking this out on the wrong people. This wasn't their fault. He wasn't angry at them. He was angry at himself for all the pain he had caused everyone else, all the pain he was bound to cause when the truth finally came out. Because he would eventually, there was no running from it. He just didn't want it to be like this.

_So when will this end - it goes on and on and over and over and over again_

He moved out of his Mum grasp, her hands had both been gripped on his arms, he pushed away from her, trying to scramble past Carmel and Mercedes, who were surprisingly strong and held him back.

"No you don't" Jacqui had made her way across the room now, Michaela following closely behind "What the hell has bought all this on? What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing"

"Doesn't seem like nothing John Paul? Now we're your family and if there's something wrong we talk about it. So talk"

He looked back at them all, Tina was now standing up to, all of them arms followed looking at him with questioning eyes. There really no way out of this. He hoped that something would happen to break away from their gazes. He wasn't that lucky. He sighed heavily and opened his mouth to speak.

_Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop till I step down from this for good_

Knock. Knock.

Everyone's attention immediately turned away from him and was now on the door. Myra moved away first and John Paul found a way of scrambling through them all and walking back into the lounge, he placed his head in his hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned round to see Mercedes looking down at him. "This isn't just about Chloe is it?"

John Paul shook his head. Mercedes rarely had moments like this, so he would take what he could from her small moments of concern. Everyone else seemed to be congregated around the door. Not that he minded, the longer their attention remained there it was away from him.

The path seemed to clear as his Mum pulled the door open wider. The thing that happened next was something that had John Paul convinced he was in some kind of weird dream.

"Tom?"

"Hi John Paul"

Everyone seemed to look between the two of them, demanding an explanation. "Erm... this is a friend of Craig's, of mine..." It was a lose term of the word friend, but he really didn't have any other explanation "Tom, this is well... everyone"

Tom smiled widely "Hi. John Paul I was wondering if I could just have a chat... with you"

John Paul felt like everyone's gazes kept turning back and forth between the two of them. "Yeah sure"

He looked around the room at his family, wondering exactly when they would get the hint. Suddenly something seemed to click. His Mum moving suddenly.

"Right you lot, let's go, leave these two to talk. Nice to meet you Tom..." She seemed to throw John Paul a look before she picked up her bag and left through the door. One which he ignored. He could swear he heard Carmel muttering something to Mercedes about "surprise visitor". Jacqui stopped before she left, and pointed at him "We'll finish talking about this later" Then she cast a dirty look in Tom's direction before leaving and shutting the door behind her.

"You have a big family"

"Yeah" John Paul nodded. The atmosphere shifted suddenly and it just felt completely awkward. All he could think of was why the hell was Tom here.

_I never thought I'd end up here, I never thought I'd be standing where I am_

"You're probably wondering why I'm here right?"

"Pretty much"

Tom sighed, the look of his face gave him away, clearly whatever this was, it was very hard for him to do. "I'm sorry about the other night. I was out of line. I don't know and I really was in no position to judge you like that. I get a bit protective where the people I love are concerned. I'm sure you can understand that. Growing up with never feeling that from anyone, I tend to over compensate now" He smiled slightly, before returning to his train of thought.

"I'm leaving. My cabs outside. I contemplated not doing this at all, but again the protectiveness thing kicked in. I want to try and explain something to you, which might just come out as one big mess, so bare with me. Craig... when I met him, I felt like I had finally met someone who was searching for the same thing that I was, just someone to be there. To take me for who I was. I never for one second thought that I'd fall in love with him as much as I did. I was just so grateful to have someone who finally understood even just a small amount how I felt. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone like that more than anything. Even now I can still feel that I need him, I'm fighting with myself to get in that cab and drive away from him. But I know I have to. I have to move on. I'm living in this past between us, still wanting what we have to be there, but its not, and yeah I could stay and be his friend, but there would always be this small part of me desperate for more, still clinging onto the hope that one day he might want more"

He sighed heavily again "I know this is going to hurt him a lot. Me leaving. That's whats the hardest part of it all. And now to the reason why I'm here standing in front of you telling you all this. He loves you. I think that no matter what happens, he always will. He'll always take that chance with you, even if you push him away, even if its always a secret, he'll still come back to you, because he loves you that much. The thing that I have the problem with, is will that make him happy enough? He has faith in you that you will do the right thing. I really hope that his faith isn't misplaced. You're very lucky John Paul. Take a look around you. You have pictures all over this room of you and your family, memories of growing up with them, you have all the support from them you could wish for, and yet I don't think you can even see it. All you can see is how scared you are, and how badly you think they'll take it. But the thing is they love you, and no matter what they will always be your family. That's a lot more than what I ever had. And on top of all of that you have Craig. His been where you have been, you have someone to go through this with. Which is again so much more than what I had. You may not feel it right now, but you are lucky"

John Paul stood processing everything that had just been said. Words seemed to be failing him today. Even as he opened his mouth no words came out, there were so many response he could give to that so many things he could say back, but they didn't seem to mean much, everything that needed to be said had been said.

"Thank you. I'm sorry too. For what I said. I didn't mean it. Everything that I've been feeling towards myself, I've been taking out on everyone else"

Tom nodded "I understand"

The cab waiting outside horn beeped, and pulled Tom's attention away from John Paul briefly. "I have to go"

He turned and headed slowly to the door, John Paul followed. Stopping in his tracks when Tom turned round quickly. "Can I just ask you one question. And you don't have to answer me" He paused and seemed to find the strength to ask "Do you love him?"

John Paul stepped back slightly. He hadn't been expecting that. But without even thinking the words had left him "Yes. I do love him"

Tom nodded "Good"

And then he was gone. There had been a small sight of relief across his face before he left. John Paul suddenly felt exhausted. He still wasn't unconvinced that this was all some kind of dream. He looked around the empty room. Staring at the photo's that Tom had pointed out to him. He shook his head, he really had been such an idiot. All of the pictures held smiling faces. All of the good moments they had together. There had been crappy moments. So many of them, but they never out weighed the good, because as tripe as it sounded they had always had each other. He might despair of the sometimes, and wish that he had been born into a different family, but the truth was he wouldn't have changed any of them, or anything.

He had used them as cover up for his own fear. Worrying what they would think, when in truth it had been him who couldn't let any of it go. He did love Craig. That was something he was sure was never going to change, how could he hide that from them? Why would he want to. They cared about him and ultimately surely would want him to be happy. And he tried to picture a life with no Craig, a life with Craig as a secret, and it wasn't enough. It would never be enough unless he was completely honest.

_I tried to chase you down I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground_

The fear was still there, but something was overpowering that fear, a determination to finally do the right thing, to be the person that for some reason Craig had seen all along. To finally be honest.

_Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop till I step down from this for good_


	38. This Line's Mostly Filler

**Chapter Thirty-Eight – This Line's Mostly Filler**

Craig looked around the now almost full kitchen table, pairs of curious eyes looking at him. He almost felt like some kind of experiment. All of them looking at him, wondering what he was going to do next. He glanced towards Steph, she smiled slightly before averting her eyes back to her cup of tea. Darren was sat next to her, he didn't have his usual taking the piss hat on today, he was actually being fairly helpful to Frankie, making everyone a drink and making sure she was okay. Jack was still pottering around in the kitchen and his Mum sat be his side. Eventually she told Jack to stop fussing and just to sit down. That only left one empty chair. Craig almost hoped that it would remain empty for the duration of the conversation they were all about to have, but Craig would never be that lucky.

He heard the door open behind him, and a low grunt soon followed. He wasn't entirely sure why his Mum had been so insistent on them all sitting down like this, or even why he had agreed to it. But then he had seen the look in her eyes when he had asked her if he could come back home. He had been expecting her to want an explanation, but all he got was a smile, and a simple yes as an answer. He had seen the happiness in her eyes, and the least he could do now was endure this for her.

"What are we doing here Mum?" Jake sat down in his chair, acknowledging no one else at the table, not even looking at his Mum when he asked just staring off away from them all.

"We are here Jake, because this family has some talking to do. Actually, I have some talking to do. So first of all, you are going to look at me..." The tone in her voice changed immediately at that moment, the comment had been directed at Jake, but the way in which the words had been spoken caused everyone to look at her "... and then you are going to listen to every single thing I have to say"

Jake reluctantly moved in his chair. His body now facing everyone at the table.

"We have all been through a lot. The last month has been hard on all of us. Perhaps even the last year has been harder on some of us than others"

Even as Craig stared down onto the table, he could feels his Mum's eyes on him as she spoke those words.

"Craig is moving back in..." Frankie seemed to anticipate a reaction from Jake, but she was too quick to respond before he could. "Before anyone says anything objecting to it. I don't care. He _is_ moving back in and that decision is final. I haven't been there for Craig the way I should have been. None of us have. But especially for me, I think I'll always feel the worst for that. I let my own fears and prejudices get in the way, and I hope that one day Craig can forgive me for that"

A silence seemed to fall over the table for a while. Craig took in every word she had said. He couldn't help but feel a certain amount of guilt. He hadn't exactly always done the right thing in this situation, he didn't want her taking all the blame for it.

"Craig..." He looked up at the sound of Steph's uncharacteristically quiet voice " You know I don't care. You're my brother. It's just all been a bit crazy recently. I should have been there for you more..."

Craig shook his head "Listen you guys, you don't have to apologise. I haven't exactly been the good guy in this situation. I shut you out a lot. I can see that now. I don't want to dwell on all the stuff in the past okay? I think we all just need to move on"

He felt his Mum take hold of his hand, and saw Steph and Darren smiling back at him, he could swear that Darren was holding back bursting into fits of laughter. Then he heard a loud clapping sound, followed by a small bitter laugh.

"What a wonderful performance. Especially you Craig..." Heavy sarcasm hung on every word Jake spoke. "I figured eventually you'd get everyone wrapped around your finger again. You are after all the favourite. You can do no wrong. You can just walk out on your family whenever you feel like and then get welcomed back with open arms. You can announce to us that you're a dirty queer, and still look at you..."

"Jake that's enough"

"No Jack. I don't think it is enough. You lot might be okay with having _him_ back in this house. But I certainly am not. Why are you even back eh Craig? You're pervert of a boyfriend kick you out?"

Craig stood up quickly out of his chair "Don't you dare talk about Tom, you don't even know him"

"Oh believe me I don't want to know him. All of this is his fault, if you hadn't met him you'd still be normal...."

Craig couldn't help but laugh "Is that really what you think? I mean are you _actually_ that stupid? Jake, I'm gay. It's not because I met Tom, its not because I one day woke up and chose to be, I just am. It's part of who I am. All the yelling and the snide comments are never going to change that"

"You can't tell me that if you had never met him we would be sitting here like this now..."

"Perhaps not. But if I hadn't met him, you would be sitting here with a brother who was miserable. Suppressing who they really are. Would you have been okay with that? Knowing that you could be happy and safe in your little bubble, but that I would have been miserable?"

"I'd rather have that, than you... being like _this_"

"You can't even say it can you?" Craig looked closely at Jake, whose eyes looked anywhere but meeting his. "So where does this leave us Jake? I'm still your brother"

Jake stood up from his seat now, the table separating the two of them seemed to be growing wider and wider with each glance he threw he Craig's direction. "No you aren't. I don't have a brother"

Craig didn't take in anything else that happened after that. He knew Jake had left and Steph had run out after him. He felt his Mum reach for his hand, but he only pulled it away. He really had thought that someday Jake would get over this. Everyone else had managed to, why was it really such a hard thing to do? He was still the same person. No different than before. Why couldn't he just accept him for who he was.

He moved away from the table ignoring the calls from his Mum and Jack. He couldn't stand to look at them now. He knew they were trying, and it meant more to him than he was sure they realised. But Jake with just a few words had managed to knock him out of the state of being back home. He had felt sick the whole way walking round to see his Mum. He had been to see her most days as she recovered. Constant comments from her suggesting he came home, and even though he knew she wanted him to. Still that day he had a fear inside him that she would turn him away.

But when she hadn't and Jack had smiled, welcoming him back, he felt accepted. Part of a family that he had been missing for so long. He never expected Jake to be easy, in fact it had been the one thing he dreaded more than anything, but he hadn't been expecting that. He didn't even realise it as he reached his room, but he had pulled out his phone and was dialling Tom's number. He stopped in the middle of his room, looking down at the number, the one he knew off by heart, the person who he knew would know what to say to him right now. Then the slow realisation dawned on him. He threw the phone onto his bed and immediately fell to his knees.

No one had dared speak to him the few days after Tom left. He stayed at the flat for a few days, building up the courage before he came back. Jasmine had never once bothered him, she let him wander around the flat. He rarely left his room. He couldn't help but feel the lose of Tom's presence it hit him harder than he ever could have imagined. Especially now at moments like this, the moments when he had let his mind wander to John Paul, he would think about calling him, then the excruciating pain of realising nothing had been resolved, and he didn't know what he could do to fix it, or even where to begin.

He heard his door open behind him, and he scrambled to his knees, moving quickly across the room to the window. He knew it would be his Mum. But he didn't want her to see him like this, sure she had welcomed it back. But she didn't need to know how much he had screwed everything else up.

He felt her hand rest on his shoulder. "He'll come round Craig. He just needs some time"

Craig sighed heavily "His had time Mum. You heard what he said. I think his minds pretty made up"

"Perhaps" He felt the hand leave his shoulder and heard a small sigh.

"I've messed up Mum. And I don't know how to fix it"

Craig turned round to see his Mum sitting on the end of his bed "I'm guessing that has something to do with the reason you came home. Did you and Tom break up?"

Craig could hear in her voice that she was really trying, that she wanted to know what was going on in his life. He moved across the room and sat by her side. "Me and Tom broke up a while ago. And he left a few days ago. And it's my fault. I hurt my best friend and now his gone and its all my fault. And I miss him. And the other one person I had, who I actually thought could get me through all of that, _I_ pushed away. I told him that it wasn't enough, when it is. It really is. Anything with him is enough if it means I get to be with him"

"This is another boy..."

"John Paul"

"Craig, let me give you some advice, after years of experience. One day you'll realise, that the best things you have in your life are the things that you really didn't work that hard to get. The things that just come naturally to you, the things that make sense in amongst anything else that's going on. Not everything has to be that hard. Especially not love"

"_Exactly._ It shouldn't be that hard. What do you do if you love someone, and you think that maybe they feel the same way, but they can't say it, and they can't promise you that they'll ever be able to, that they'll ever be able to tell anyone else how they really feel. Would you just carry on? Happy in what you have, always in the back of your mind hoping for more..."

His Mum sat in silence, still staring back at him. He wanted to believe her, that things like love came easy, but why did he feel like he was always fighting so hard to keep it? Like he had with Tom, who wasn't here now. Who he wanted to speak to now more than anything, but he couldn't call and have him make everything okay. John Paul who he couldn't even imagine his life without now, still constantly pushing him away, he needed him right now, but why was he always the one going to him, comforting him?

"You can't help me with this one can you?" He turned his face and smiled slightly at his Mum. Her expression said it all, a look that said she wished she could. He could see her open her mouth to speak, but stopping quickly, almost like she realised she was going to say the wrong thing. Instead she stood up slowly and walked towards the door.

"You'll be okay Craig. Sometimes it just takes a moment of clarity for everything to make sense, or say something happening that makes you realise just how precious the things you have in your life are. It must all seem very hard right now, but these things they have a way of working out. One day you won't miss Tom as much, maybe even your stubborn brother will realise how he is acting, and perhaps even that boy of yours will realise what you've known all along"

Craig sighed, he wanted to believe her. He wanted to be able to share her out look that she seemed to have now. So much faith that everything would work out. But he couldn't see past any of it. He couldn't see past Tom leaving, that he hadn't spoken to John Paul for days, that Jake still couldn't stand to look at him. He heard the door open and his Mum moved to step out "You don't have to go... I don't mean to..."

She smiled softly back at him "I think you need some time, and I should get down and help Jack"

Craig shook his head laughing, she hadn't changed completely. Even when she should be taking it easy, she was still helping everyone else. "Shouldn't you be resting?"

"You know me Craig..."

"Yeah, I do"


	39. Talk Tonight

**Chapter Thirty-Nine – Talk Tonight**

John Paul was waiting for the right time, he had spent the last few days as the ones before had been. Avoiding his family and trying to figure out what to do next. The only one constant thing that kept going through his mind was to go and see Craig, to make sure he was okay, so he was waiting for a time when it felt like the right time. But fears kept crashing around him any time he got near his front door. He couldn't help but think that maybe the last thing Craig wanted was for John Paul to turn up on his door, all he could do then was replay over in his mind various ways in which Craig told him to get lost.

He deserved exactly that. Countered with that though was the thought that this wasn't actually about John Paul, this was about Craig. And all John Paul wanted to do was be there for him, and if it meant fighting his way to get into see Craig then he was going to have to do just that.

So he had waited for the time when everything made sense and was clear. And the time was now. Even as he stood outside the door to the flat, he could feel a sickness rising in his stomach. He thought about the last time he had been here with Craig. Could it really have only been a few months ago? He could hear moving around inside and smiled to himself, knowing that Craig was so close to him, it had been far too long since he had seen him. He felt his phone vibrate softly in his pocket and he reached for it quickly.

_Send my love to Craig, Han xx_

He didn't have to fight to hard with Hannah for her to tell him exactly what was going on with Craig, she even seemed willing to share what she knew, eager for him to go and see Craig, she never said, but John Paul thought perhaps that Craig had confided in her what was going on between them. He expected to feel hurt, even angry perhaps, but instead he felt a certain sense of relief, perhaps he could even say happy that she knew.

He placed his phone back in his pocket and lifted his hand to knock on the door. As he heard the lock turn and the door begin to open, the sickening feeling returned, he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, he had nothing to be scared of. As he opened his eyes, a face stared back at him that he had not expected.

"Can I help you?"

John Paul had never met Craig's Mum before, he didn't really look like her much, the same caring smile perhaps, but none of their features were similar.

"Hi, I erm… just came to see Craig. I'm John Paul"

John Paul saw her freeze almost instantly after hearing his name. She tried to cover it up by moving quickly away from the door and holding it open further for him to come in, but it wasn't lost on John Paul.

"Come in. Craig's in his room"

John Paul moved into the room and glanced back at her one more time, before looking towards the direction of Craig's room.

"You know where that is of course"

John Paul snapped his head around to face her, she was now washing the dishes looking away from him.

"John Paul, I know you don't know me, and you probably think I'm an interfering Mother…" As she spoke she continued on with her task, never once looking up to meet his eyes "It's just, this family, well we've been through a lot, and to be honest, right now its all I have. And Craig, well he hasn't been doing that good recently, even before he left, even with the way I treated him, I could at least still see my son, some kind of spark in him, but now… I can't even see that. I blame myself of course, the way I've acted has been unforgivable, and he said it's not me, that it is forgiveable, maybe in time I'll be able to accept that. You see I didn't understand, I thought maybe it was because of Tom leaving, he seems to have taken that badly, and it's not something he'll talk to me about. But you see, I was in there the other day, he was sleeping, and he said your name. I think maybe there's a lot that I don't know about, that I don't need to know about"

She looked up now, stopping what she was doing, she looked directly at John Paul "But whatever it is you're doing here, don't break him. His already fragile enough, I'm not entirely sure he could take any more"

John Paul could see from her eyes that she knew exactly what was going on between him and her son, even if Craig had never told her, even if he had never mentioned him to her, she could clearly see it from John Paul's reaction, and the small action of Craig saying his name as he slept. It was obvious to her, what John Paul had been so eager to hide from everyone, was now so clear.

John Paul nodded and Frankie returned to what she was doing. He turned and began the walk to Craig's room, he wanted to rush and get there as soon as he could, but everything seemed to slow down around him, he tried to take in everything and commit it to memory so he would never forget.

Even as he opened the door into Craig's room, the darkness not deterring him from his path. The curtains were closed tightly, letting hardly any light in, clothes left on the floor from days previously. He could see the shape of Craig's body underneath the covers, and instinctively he moved closer, desperate to reach out to him. He couldn't help but think back to the first time he had been here with Craig. The night seemed to replay in his mind so vividly. That moment when he realised what was happening, what he had found in Craig, how that nothing else was ever going to compare to it. That he was lucky to have found something that some people spend their entire life searching for. And he remembered how scared he had been, when Craig had leaned in closer to him, when their bodies had crashed together, the feelings coursed back through him as he remembered; only he didn't feel scared now. He longed for that feeling again, he missed it.

He moved a step closer to the bed, he was standing right by the side of it now, close enough to reach out and touch him. Craig shifted in his sleep and rolled over, now facing John Paul, his eyes were closed lightly, flickering in his dream like state. Again he remembered the last time he had sat and watched Craig sleep, it was like nothing he had ever felt. So much happiness from just sitting and watching him, taking in the small moves he made in his sleep, the features of his face, everything. He didn't think anything could compare to that night, but even now as he watched him, he over took it.

And then in the darkness, so quiet that he wasn't even sure it was real, he heard his name being whispered softly. He looked down; he expected Craig's eyes to be open looking up at him with the warmth he remembered. But he was still asleep, lost in whatever he was dreaming of. Slowly John Paul reached his hand towards Craig and knelt down as he did, he traced his fingers along the side of Craig's face, over his jaw line, across his mouth. His face was level with Craig's now as his knees hit the floor; he turned his head and leaned closer so their noses were almost touching.

He breathed in slightly, he wanted to climb in the bed and nestle beside Craig, take him in his arms and lay there for as long as Craig wanted him to. He exhaled and closed his eyes, completely lost in the moment.

"John Paul?"

The sound in Craig's voice was different this time. It was still a whisper, but questioning lingered behind it. He opened his eyes slowly to see Craig's looking back at him. John Paul wondered if he would ever be able to look and Craig and not feel completely incoherent. He opened his mouth to speak but the words seemed to fail him as he looked closer at Craig's eyes. They were full of so much emotion, the shock and happiness of him being there was evident, but behind it was a pain and sadness, all the feelings he had been keeping in were now leaving him at that exact moment, the sight of John Paul in front of him finally allowing him to let everything out. As John Paul opened his mouth to speak again, he saw a single tear fall down Craig's face, and suddenly he didn't feel like speaking, it didn't feel like the right time.

Instead, he lifted himself off the floor, he felt Craig grab his hand as he did, desperately clinging onto him, John Paul squeezed his hand reassuringly and kicked off his shoes, he sat on the edge of the bed, and pulled Craig up to face him. The tears seemed to be falling more now, but Craig was silent, all he did was stare at John Paul's face, watching him as he moved around leaning closer to Craig. John Paul moved his hand up to touch Craig's face again, he smiled slightly as he ran his hand through Craig's now even longer hair, he moved it round resting it on Craig's cheek. He watched as Craig closed his eyes and leant his face into the hand.

"Is this a dream?"

A small smile flickered across Craig's face and John Paul couldn't help but do the same. "Nope. Sorry. I'm really here"

Craig opened his eyes suddenly and the smile faded. John Paul lay down and pulled Craig with him, letting him rest on John Paul's chest. He could feel Craig wrapping his arms tightly around him, gripping onto the t-shirt he wore, resting his head into John Paul's chest, pressing against him as closely as he could.

"I'm sorry I didn't come round sooner. I should have…"

"It doesn't matter now"

John Paul sighed heavily "It _does_ matter Craig. You needed me and I should have been there for you. All you've even done for me is been a good friend, above everything else you've been there for me, even when I didn't deserve it, and I've never once done the same for you. And it's not good enough. Don't say it doesn't matter, because it does"

"You're here now"

"After what? Months of lies and fear, I've hidden myself away, acted like what I have with you is something to be ashamed of. All I've been is a coward, hiding myself away from the truth I knew all along"

He felt Craig move against his body, he looked down to see his eyes staring back up at him. "And what is that? What is the truth?"

John Paul couldn't look away now even if he wanted to, those eyes that had held and captivated so many months ago still doing the same thing now. The feelings that had coursed through him that first night, still there now, only stronger and now suddenly so clear to him, so obvious to him now. Why had he been so scared of something that he knew felt like this all along?

"That I love you. That I think I always have"

Craig moved again, never breaking the eye contact that held between them, he moved upwards, his eyes now directly looking at John Paul's, they seemed to search across his face, taking everything in, John Paul felt Craig's hands move into his hair, he closed his eyes, feeling Craig's breathe on his face as he leaned closer, he knew what was coming, the anticipation was almost killing him, he just wanted to lean in and kiss him already, but he let Craig's hands wander through his hair, over his face, down across his neck and shoulders, tracing down the side of his body before gripping into his own hands, holding onto them tightly. And then everything else was disappearing away around him, he felt Craig's lips touch his, everything single moment he had with him now flashing before him in his mind, even as he gave into the kiss further, every good and bad moment were there in front of him, as Craig leant into the kiss further, he gave over to them all.

As Craig pulled away, suddenly everything came back into focus, he could feel and see Craig and everything else that surrounded him. Everything from the outside that he had been so scared of seemed small and insignificant, what exactly had happened so that he felt less scared? Everything felt the same as before, the only difference now was Craig, but it made it all. It made everything else seem less scary.

"You scared?"

Craig seemed to read his mind, and John Paul knew he had wandered off into his own thoughts. He looked into Craig's eyes, the trace of concern evident.

"For the first time in ages, I'm not actually"

Craig smiled slightly "That makes one of us then"

"You don't have to be scared. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere"

John Paul felt Craig freeze, and the realisation hit him. That's exactly the reason why Craig was scared. John Paul was here _now _but how long for? How long was it until he ran out the door again? It was evident as he looked into Craig's eyes again. He let go of Craig's hands and rested them on Craig's back, pushing him closer to him.

"That's what you're scared of?"

Craig's voice was slightly muffled as he rested his face into John Paul's chest "It's not unreasonable"

"I know" John Paul nodded "I think whatever I say; perhaps you'll find it hard to believe me. So maybe I shouldn't make any promises, because I don't think they'll mean too much to you now, right?"

"I want to believe you John Paul…"

"But it takes more than that. I'll prove it to you Craig. I'm not going anywhere. In time you'll believe me"

"What does that mean for us? Are you ready to tell…?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I'm not going to lie to you Craig. Right now I know I want to be with you, and I know that I have to be honest with everyone. I think as long as I have you by my side, I'll be able to do that. I could never understand why I felt so scared, I always knew deep down exactly how I felt about you, and those feelings aren't what scared me, it was always what other people would think. But I realise now, all that matters is you and me. As long as I have that, I can deal with all that other stuff"

"Well I'll just have to stick around then won't I?"

A small smile flickered across Craig's mouth again. His eyes widened, and he leaned closer to John Paul again. "That much of a burden for you huh?" John Paul smiled and pulled his face away out of reach of Craig.

"I manage" Craig smiled and leaned in again, but John Paul moved his face away quickly once again "You know John Paul, there's really no point resisting. I'm more than aware of the incoherency you have when I'm around"

"And you love taking full advantage of that don't you?"

"I have to use what I can"

John Paul smiled "Clearly"

He gave in this time as Craig leaned in again and pressed his lips against John Paul's. He pulled away slightly and looked down at John Paul.

"We're going to be okay aren't we"

It wasn't a question, Craig was realising what John Paul just had moments ago. That as long as the two of them were together, some how everything else had to work out. Even though they knew it wouldn't be easy, it still didn't seem to phase either of them, and instead of feeling scared. John Paul now felt completely grateful for everything he had in his life. Even his family, the ones that at times he pushed away with everything he had, they were still always there for him, without fail or question.

And the most unexpected thing of all. Craig Dean. Someone who normally would have passed him by. Someone who took the time to speak to and see something in John Paul that up until then no one else had. A person who loved him, regardless of what he had said and done, just continually loved him no matter what. It was stronger than anything he had in his life; he knew it was something that couldn't be broken.


	40. Flames To Dust

**Chapter Forty – Flames To Dust**

Even the sound echoing from outside the room failed to distract John Paul from his current state of mind. He was more than aware of what was outside the door, he was even aware of the sound of the music as it built up to a crucial part of the song, and still all he wanted to focus on was this small moment now, before going out and facing everyone else outside. But this time, it wasn't fear holding him back; it was that he wanted the moment to linger a little longer.

He was sat in the corner of the room, quietly watching Craig as he rooted through his wardrobe, clearly going through many outfits in his mind. He heard the howling laugh of his Mother's from in the room and he suddenly felt sorry for Frankie, he could imagine her now regretting having invited all of the McQueen's to Craig's birthday party.

It felt strange that only a few months had past. In one way the moments had all seemed to have flown by, but yet as he looked back at them, it felt like an eternity ago that he had got here. He couldn't even imagine a life that didn't involve Craig; the person from his past seemed like a stranger now. Who was that boy that had been so afraid? What had he even been afraid of? Was it bad that he couldn't even remember, those things he had placed such significance in, turning out to be nothing but fleeting feelings, ones that were soon replaced by love and a want for the future.

He could hear the faint sound now of his Mum muttering something about Karaoke, which was not lost on Craig, the state of panic that ran across his face as he turned to look at John Paul. One thing John Paul had learnt was Craig's aversion to Karaoke, one that John Paul was quick to inform him he would have to get over. Friday Night= Karaoke night for the McQueen's, and if after years of not being able to get out of it himself, there was no way that Craig was getting out of it either.

Although John Paul had to admit, he couldn't exactly see Frankie getting up for Karaoke, Steph sure, but then Frankie's behaviour seemed to be surprising everyone recently. Particularly Craig, John Paul knew the fears that Craig had about living back at home, mainly that Frankie could never find a way to be fully accepting. But she had welcomed John Paul in warmly; there were no more strict rules to live by.

"I don't care what Myra says John Paul. I am not singing Love Builds Us Up Where We Belong as a duet with her again, damn karaoke…"

The last few words came out as some what of a mumble, John Paul could only imagine what those last words were. He smiled to himself and rose out the chair.

"I think she's got a bit of a thing for you"

He smiled wickedly as he moved slowly across the room. He paused as he got closer, taking in everything about Craig. He was waiting for the day when looking at Craig wouldn't completely stop him in his tracks and make him lose track of the conversation, but it still hadn't come. He had pretty much given up, but looking at him now standing in his jeans rifling through his wardrobe, rambling about karaoke did nothing but solidify his incoherency.

"John Paul, you're doing that thing again"  
John Paul snapped out of it quickly "What?"

"That thing, where you gawp at me and you aren't paying attention"

John Paul moved closer still, grabbing hold of Craig's waist and pulling him closely toward his own body; Craig's back resting against his chest.

"Stop distracting me. I'm supposed to be getting ready"

"Well they all know what you're like…" John Paul kissed along Craig's neck slowly pausing every few seconds to speak "And well you take forever to get ready…" He moved his lips further up resting at Craig's ear "They'll never know anyway"

Craig had his tactics. But John Paul had his own, ones that he had learnt to use wisely. Craig turned in his arms. "They aren't stupid John Paul. You should have seen your face when you walked in here, if you walked through the flat like that it'll be obvious, and well knowing your Carm she'll be walking through that door in about 10 seconds, without knocking asking what the hells taking us so long"

"Yeah, she's not to discrete is she"

"John Paul! Craig!"

The two of them smiled at the sound of the door opening followed by Carmel's voice, they turned to look at the door, still holding onto one another. The faces of 6 familiar people looking back at them. Mercedes and Darren looking slightly disgusted, Carmel looked like she might cry, Myra and Frankie were doing their best to look happy by covering over embarrassment and Michaela looked confused.

"Can we have some food yet?"

Michaela sounded fed up already and she had only been there five minutes, she struggled free of the group and moved away.

"I'm suddenly right off my food…" Mercedes scowled and walked away, followed by an awkward looking Darren.

"Sorry you two…" Carmel began in her sweet voice "We were just wondering if you were coming out… oh I mean, you know, not like that, cos you know, you already did… but like for the party, cos well most people are here, and then a present just arrived by parcel and its very exciting, and then Frankie was talking about the cake, which looks gorgeous by the way… well its special isn't it, your birthday? And well it's the first one together, so it's even more special…"

John Paul felt like he should at some point interrupt but she seemed on a roll, and no could ramble on like Carmel so he let her continue, he turned to look back at Craig who was now shaking slightly from laughter. There were many things that made John Paul feel the way he was right now, but Craig laughing was one of the most significant. They way the laughter seemed to reach his eyes, making the shine slightly, it was some what mesmerising.

"You're doing it again…" Craig was still laughing, most likely a mixture of the two things now.

John Paul had no defence for that one "I'm not apologising. Besides it's your fault"

They turned back to look at Carmel who was still chatting away, Frankie and Myra looked like they had somewhat lost the will to live, whether it be because of Carmel's speech or the fact that there sons were held close together clearly sharing their own moment, John Paul wasn't quite sure, but like Craig's reaction it was most likely a mixture.

"Well anyway, we'll go now…" Carmel and finished and relief seemed to sweep through the room. "See you out there; we'll leave you two to it… I mean, you know not that, but that's fine, nothing wrong…"

"Carmel. Stop talking please"

There was a mixture of desperation and laughter in Frankie's voice as she led Carmel out the room. John Paul was laughing along with Craig now, and he caught a glance of his Mum as Craig moved away to continue the hunt for what shirt to wear. A small approving smile seemed to flash across his Mum's face. The reaction he had expected from his family wasn't exactly what he expected. Jacqui had claimed to always have known, Mercedes was awkward and denied it for a few months, Carmel thought it was the most romantic thing she had ever heard, Tina was happy as long as John Paul was, Michaela didn't seem to really care and his Mum had been the strangest one of all. At first she had gone silent, the disapproval clear, and then there were lots of questions, so many questions. Then she just didn't talk about it. It was always there, but she never made it a big deal, she welcomed Craig in like normal she never made John Paul feel rejected by her. Then it grew to what they had now. She was on the same thinking as Tina; all she wanted was for John Paul to be happy. And it seemed clear to her now that he was.

Craig was holding onto his hand now, white shirt fastened up, and ready to join the party. John Paul groaned as he took in the sight of Craig.

"What's wrong now?"

"You. Stupid party. You could at least try and make yourself look like crap you know?"

"But it's my party?"

John Paul smiled and pulled him through the door, they were greeted by smiling faces of their families; Hannah and Nancy were huddled in a corner chatting animatedly away. Before they even had time to speak to anyone Carmel had shouted presents at the top of her voice, pushed John Paul and Craig down on the sofa and was waving a present in Craig's face.

"Open ours first. It's from all of us; they asked me to pick it… I hope you like it; the other part is over there…" Carmel was waving her arms in the direction of where a larger present stood, leant against a cabinet.

John Paul rested his head in his hands "Carm, what on earth did you get my boyfriend?"

Craig nudged John Paul "This feels like a book" and then he winked at him.

"Carmel?? What is it?"

"Let him open it and see" Her smiling face turned a little sad "I hope you like it… I could only go on what John Paul said, and he really wasn't very helpful"

Craig smiled widely "I'm sure I will"

Craig opened the wrapping quickly, throwing it to one side. He held up the present.

"It's a sketch book see. John Paul said you were really good… and well this…" Carmel had pulled the other present across the room and leant it next to Craig "… well you'll see what it is. Open it!"

Craig ripped the paper quickly, and it suddenly clicked into place what Carmel had got him.

"It's an easel. You see you can do painting and drawing and well whatever else you do…" Her voice seemed to trail off as Craig stared unblinking at the present. "Oh no, you hate it don't you? Is it the wrong thing? Cos the woman…"

Carmel was cut short as Craig jumped up and threw his arms around her. "I love it Carmel. Perfect present"

"Really? Oh I'm so happy you like it…"

What followed seemed to be hours of present opening. Carmel decided to give her opinion on every gift. Frankie and Jack had bough him a watch, Darren a CD, which Carmel pointed out was not very inventive, Steph and Max had got more drawing supplies which sent Carmel off further. Hannah and Nancy had grouped their money together and bought a crazy amount of smelly's which took up a lot of time as the girls all smelt everything one by one.

"Who is this one from?" Craig held up a present waving it in the air.

"It arrived just before the party started love, post marked from Spain though…"

John Paul turned to smile at Craig. "Open it"

Craig ripped open the brown paper, a loose piece of paper falling out as he did. He picked it up reading it quickly, he smiled.

"It's from Tom" He handed the letter to John Paul. The writing messy and clearly done quickly, but still with thought. Still Tom.

_"I realise this is your first birthday without me for a while, but that's no reason to start behaving yourself Mr Dean. Follow my suit. Just a small present, thought you might be interested in what I've been up to, Tom xx_

Whilst reading the letter a crowd formed around the sofa to look at the picture. Tom sat posing, smiling widely, looking tanned, and most of all happy. He sat with a group full of strangers, but he stood out more than anything. John Paul's eyes going directly to him. The memories of what Tom had told him that day still ever present and with him now, he would never forget the kindness he had shown him, when he hadn't even deserved it. He couldn't take any of that back, any of the things he had said to Tom. But what he could get right was what was between him and Craig. And he had, he had spent the last few months being there for Craig, they were there for each other, getting each other through things that weren't always easy. But they were here, together and Tom most likely didn't realise it, but John Paul may not have got there without his wake up call.

"So what did you get me?"

He looked around to see that everyone had dispersed into various directions. John Paul turned back to look into Craig's eyes. "Later"

"Sounds promising"

"Mind out the gutter Craig. It's nothing like that"

"Shame"

Craig laughed and leant in closer, he softly kissed John Paul's face, his fingers brushing softly against his cheek. "I'm so happy you're here do you know that?"

"Yeah. It's a shame Tom couldn't be here"

"I guess he is in his own special way. It would seem there are a few people who couldn't make it"

John Paul smiled "Sarah?"

Craig laughed loudly "Oh yeah. It's not a party without her"

"Jake?"

Craig sighed heavily "Is it stupid enough of me to think he might of actually turned up?"

"No. He is trying though Craig. I mean, his talking to you now, which is progress. I know it shouldn't be that hard, but we all get there in our own time don't we? Surely you should understand that more than anyone?"

Craig smiled again "When did you get so insightful?"

"I think maybe I always have been, you just seem to bring it out of me. Come on…" John Paul stood up quickly holding out his hand "Let me give you you're present. Also Mum's setting up the karaoke machine so unless you want to sing that duet after all you may want to move quickly"

No further pushing was needed for Craig as he grabbed hold of the hand and allowed himself to be pulled through the living room and back to the quiet of his bedroom. John Paul shut the door firmly. It was darker now, the only light filling the room was the one that came from outside the open window, it shone across the bed and John Paul pushed Craig to sit down, placing a small present in Craig's lap. He sat down in front of him resting his hands on Craig's legs, and putting his own chin on top of his hands.

"It's no easel or watch, but it's just something I thought of…"

Craig opened this present slower than the others. John Paul wasn't sure why, whether it was out of apprehension or just wanting the moment and anticipation to linger on a bit longer. He pulled the small frame from the wrapping and took in the picture that was placed inside it.

"I don't know if you remember that night. It was a few weeks after Tom left, the day after I told my family, Nancy suggested a night out…" John Paul smiled at the memory even though Craig hadn't looked away from the picture yet. "You were still a bit sad about Tom; I was still slightly traumatised by my family's relatively calm reaction and Nancy had managed to convince us that it was the best idea ever. And it really was. That night was the first time I ever felt truly comfortable in my own skin, just being with you and not caring what anyone thought just letting myself enjoy that moment. I realised just how lucky and happy I was. More importantly, I knew you felt it too"

"One of the best nights of my life" Craig was running his fingers across the picture now, clearly back there in that bar, reliving the moment along with John Paul.

"Hannah was so drunk that night. She kept telling us that some guy had tried to lick her face at the bar remember?"

"Yeah, we all thought she was lying until he did the same thing to me" The laughter filled the silent room, then it was quiet again, and Craig's eyes looked away to lock with John Paul's.

"Thank you. I love it"

John Paul reached his hand up to run across Craig's face "I was looking around your room the other day, there were all these pictures of your family, you and Hannah and Nancy… and Tom. All the people in your world. I thought maybe, you'd like one of me…"

"You know I don't need pictures of you right?"

"I know, but I'm part of it now and I don't intend on going anywhere any time soon"

Craig lifted the picture from his lap and placed it by the side of his bed. The sat unmoving, the two of them looking at the photograph.

"Was that the night Nancy got chatted up by all those women?"

"Yeah that was the one"

They both laughed again. The familiar sound of the Spice Girls began playing on the Karaoke machine and Craig threw himself backwards on the bed. "No, no, no… lock the door John Paul, we're never leaving"

John Paul rose from his knees slightly, and crawled his way up the bed, leaning his body just above Craig's.

"That's fine with me" John Paul closed the small distance that there was between them. His lips meeting Craig's softly at first, getting into a rhythm that was almost instinctive between them now. The kisses growing more urgent as John pressed his body against Craig, pinning him down. They parted slowly, neither of them wanting the kiss to be over.

"That's not fair you know? Kissing me like that and then telling me we're going to have to go back out there"

"I never said that…"

"I know what you're thinking… besides we do have to go back out there… before we do John Paul McQueen. Thank you, for the present, for…"

John Paul nodded "I know" He laughed suddenly "Is it weird that despite everything. I always knew we'd end up here? No matter what else happened, I think deep down I knew, no matter how much I fought with myself, this is always how it was going to be"

Craig smiled "I could have told you that the first time I laid eyes on you, but you would never have agreed with me then"

"I am now"

And he was, John Paul had known it all along. Long before Craig Dean had entered his life. He had always known he was searching for something, something that would fill the empty whole he had inside of him. He never knew what it was, always desperately searching for something, somewhere to belong, never finding what it was. And then even when he was here, when it was right under his nose, he still hid away, the fears that had driven him for so long still there, until it could be hid no longer, the undeniable force between them pulling them closer together, completely shifting their worlds to collide, until all there was, was the truth. John Paul was in love with Craig Dean, and there was nothing, no force, or feeling, or anything that could ever change that.


End file.
